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alidaalana-blog · 5 years ago

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Right Through Me - 1

Brrrrrring! Brrrrrring!

I looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was 3:15 in the morning and my phone was going off! My heart stopped beating as soon as I saw the number glowing at me from my cell’s LCD screen: Jayel (James Lee) Lawson.

He needs me, I can feel it. I hit ignore, pushed my phone under my pillow and rolled over. I was honoring the vow I made months ago not to fall into that trap again.

I closed my eyes and fought every fiber of my being that wanted to call him back. At this time of night, there’s no telling what could be wrong or what kind of trouble he got himself into. The part of me that has always loved him was beginning to panic with worry, she was fighting against the part of me that was stubborn and had a point to prove: Fuck that nigga. He was the one that pushed me out of his life.

In just a matter of seconds, I was forgetting to breathe. My blood was rushing. Or was it my adrenaline? Whatever the case, something about thinking Jayel was in trouble always filled my body with anxiety, knowing that he was capable of doing anything under the wrong circumstances. This time was no different.

Just keep your eyes closed Clark and go back to sleep, I begged myself. He’s a big boy. He can take care of himself.

My phone vibrated one time under my pillow as a text message came through.

Jayel (James Lee): Don’t ignore me, Clark. I need to talk to you right now. I’m home. Please come over.

Oh boy. He knew I would go if he asked. It’s our dysfunctional pattern. We hurt each other, breakaway, then one of us comes crawling back when someone else has hurt us more. If I had a shrink she would advise against going over there at the crack of dawn just because he asked me to. But I never had a shrink and sure enough, my legs were moving before I could protest or even stage a good defense. Once again, I was putting my pride, and possibly my mental health, aside to tend to my friend.

All I had on was a wife-beater and my underwear. I quickly threw on the skinny jeans I wore earlier and a zip-up hoodie then pushed my feet into some loafers. I washed my face and pulled a beanie down over the top of my head, letting my hair flow out from underneath. I looked in the mirror one last time and shook my head, what I was walking into was going to be ten times harder to walk out of.

In less than twenty minutes I was using the emergency key Jayel gave me to let myself into his apartment. There was no way I was going to ring anyone’s doorbell and wait outside at four in the morning. He was sitting on the sofa in the living room when I walked in. The glass of brown liquid in his hand almost tilted over when he saw me.

He gave me a pained smile. “You came,” he slurred out. “You never let me down, Clark.”

“Oh yeah?” Well, this was the complete opposite of how our last conversation went. I believe the word he used to describe me then was ‘selfish’. “Can I get that in writing?” I half-way joked.

Normally he would laugh, chuckle, or at least give me a grin then comment on my smart mouth. None of the above happened. This was unlike him. This was serious.

“What’s wrong James Lee?” I was the only one he allowed to call him by his real government. He hated his name so much, in high school he made everyone call him JL, which eventually turned into Jayel. But I still love to say James Lee every now and then to remind him that he’s talking to me, the person that has nursed his heart and his wounds more times than a lil bit. I sat next to him on the sofa and took the glass from his hand. I smelled the Jack Daniels before it reached my lips and took a sip, letting a swallow of whiskey roll down my throat. My face frowned as the Jack turned from a liquid to fire somewhere between my throat and chest.

“I caught her cheating. I saw her.” He said.

“Who?” I was unaware he was even in a relationship. But I’m not surprised, Jayel can’t be alone for one second.

“Jessa.”

“Oh,” his other ex. I turned away from him and rolled my eyes. When we last spoke they were no longer together. Now we were going back down this familiar road once again. I’m so tired of this bitch. And I’m over Jayel giving her the benefit of the doubt. It’s not the first time she’s cheated at all. But for some reason, Jayel just can’t let her go. “Where did you see her? When?” I asked even though I really didn’t care. The story is always the same. The names and places may be different but it always boils down to Jessa being as trifling as she wants to be. But I did care about Jayel and I knew he wanted to vent.

“At her apartment. I came home a little early and saw this dude’s car parked outside. I used my key and walked inside like normal. Thinking maybe I was wrong. Maybe someone else has the same shit green hatch-back. They didn’t even hear me. Clark,” he clapped his claps together, Hard. “I swear by the time I made it to the living room I could hear them fucking.”

“Get the fuck outta here!” This bitch has balls.

“Fucking! In my muthafuckin bed!”

Jayel took the glass back from me and emptied the rest of its contents in one swallow. He reached for the bottle sitting on the table, but I got to it first and placed it behind the arm of the sofa, way out of his reach. I needed him to focus, “What else happened?” Knowing this hot-headed boi, it couldn’t have ended there.

He smirked, “I cracked his head open.”

My hand went over my mouth in shock, but Jayel said it like he was discussing the weather. “You did not!”

“They were on their way to the hospital when I left.”

He was serious. My mouth was hanging open, “What do you mean they? She went with him?”

“Yep.”

“But that’s your girl? You were back together, right?” I was confused by the whole fucking thing already.

“And she left with another nigga.” He looked at me,” Shit was unreal.”

“Jayel, I’m so sorry, but you gotta stop doing this. You gotta stop going back to her.”I felt sorry for this poor fool. I gave him back his Jack.

“I know.” He nodded and refilled his glass and looked up at me. “Still mad at me?”

My eyebrow arched, of course I was still mad. I didn’t forget shit. But I didn’t want to get into our issues right now. That’s not why I came. “I’m here right?”

“That doesn’t mean anything. I know you’re still mad.”

“Then why’d you ask?”

“To hear you say it.”

“Ugggh,” I was in no mood to play these games with him. “Do you know what time it is? I’m not doing this with you. You want to know how I feel? The same way you would have felt if I didn’t show up tonight. Disappointed. Broken. Fucked up. I don’t know. Your friends are supposed to be there for you, not push you away.” Jayel opened a can of worms and I was finding it difficult to stuff them back in.

“That’s what we are, huh? Friends?”

“I’m not doing this,” I stood up and shook my head at him. “With your drunk ass.”

“I’m sorry Clark.”

“For?”

“Letting her come between us.”

“Again.”

“Again. But in all fairness, you made her insecure. What was I supposed to do?”

“Me? How? You know what, don’t answer that. My fault. With you it’s always my fault. I’m sure her fucking someone else is somehow my fault too.” I swear Jayel can rile me up like no one else. He can send me from zero to sixty in three seconds flat.

He ignored my growing attitude and continued, “She says I never stopped loving you.”

This wasn’t a confession. It’s understood that we have feelings for each other. Our friends tease us about it every chance they get. But I never tried to come between him and Jessa. Not once.

“And she knows we use to hook up between relationships and shit.”

“You told her that?”

Jayel is a terrible drunk obviously. He just rambles, mostly telling truths he would normally try to hide. If Jessa was smart enough to ever figure out that two shots were all she needed to find out whatever she wanted from him, there’s no telling what he’s confessed to her.

He shook his head, “No. She told me once that she could tell. By the way, I looked at you. I just denied it. Told her she was crazy. She didn’t believe me anyway.”

These words came out slurred and were beginning to bother me. I’d rather not hear his feelings for me while he was crying over another woman. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just me.

“We’ll talk about it later. Right now you need to focus on staying out of jail. You sent that man to the hospital, Jayel. Now what? I swear in all of the time I’ve known you, You’ve never done the crazy shit you’re doing now. For her! I don’t get it. She doesn’t deserve you. And we both know that. You know how I know we both know?” I held his chin up made him look me in the eye, then tilted my head to the side. He looked so pathetic he was making it almost impossible for me to cough up some tough love, almost, “because we’ve talked about it a trillion and one times, Jayel. We’ve broken it down til it could break no more. That bitch is trash.”

He dropped his head into his hands, elbows resting on his knees.

At that moment I was done asking why. There was no rhyme or reason for the shit we do when we’re in love with the wrong person, when our pride has been defeated. This was the one relationship Jayel ever completely committed to. The one girl he was faithful to and she broke his heart. Stomped on it – like a true cunt. I almost envied Jessa’s boldness, her ability to not give a fuck and keep it moving.

I resisted the urge to point out this is how I felt when he cheated on me. That would be kicking him while he’s down. But shit, it’s the reason I can relate to his pain. Jayel is the one guy I ever let get the best of me.

I sighed hard and released that thought. This wasn’t about me or us. I took his hand, “Come stay with me for a couple of days. I don’t think you should be here alone.”

His eyes widened, “Really?”

“Mmhmm. Go get some things. Think you can manage to do that?”

He nodded and struggled up to his feet, “I think so.”

Jayel packed a small duffle bag with whatever and followed me to my car. I shook my head at the sight. Two hours ago I was asleep, minding my own business.

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