aleepaul

[aleepaul]

SuperWoman she was!

Carpe diem! Seize the day Somedays you hate these aphorisms and you want some moments to just fade away, but those very moments end up defining you. They don’t go away, they live within you, they become you. In these moments you pray to God that they last a lifetime, while secretly pining away hoping they would pass very quickly. What an irony. In her last breaths, oxygen struggled through the depths of her lungs, but it wouldn’t find its way out. I could see her fighting her this uphill battle where she was losing by the second, even though I grew up watching her fighting the hardest battles life threw at her without even flinching. There was still something in her, she didn’t want to give up that day either, but some really strong force had other ideas. So, there I was, staring blankly at this monitor in front of my eyes which kept running her numbers. They had stop making sense to me because when I looked at her I could feel life dripping from her veins. A heart which was beating at 140 beats per minute an hour ago was barely able to make it to 60 now. I would look at her face and then at the monitor as if by some miracle I would be able to stop someone from taking her away. And I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. And then all of a sudden, she drew her very last breath, gasping and trying to make it but she couldn’t. I called the doctor and asked her to do something, she looked into my eyes and said she is clinically dead. And then there she stood for the longest time, waiting for me to react to this news, but I was barely able to hear myself murmuring. Her heart started sinking, my eyes glued to the screen, 50, 40, 30, 20, 10 followed by the straightest line I had ever laid my eyes on. The moment of truth was here. The doctor asked to run an ECG but I asked, why? She is dead. “We want to declare her dead”. Declare her dead? What is that supposed to mean? She is not breathing, her heart has stopped beating, how else are you planning to declare her dead. But perhaps the real question was how would I be able to explain this situation to myself for the rest of my life that I stood in the midst of the biggest loss of my life without a single tear in my eyes. How have I been so strong? Rather why have I been so strong? It was like déjà vu, I had seen it happen before, it had happened before, I saw my superman taking his last breaths the same way. Why am I the chosen one in such situations? Why does the Almighty think that I can handle it better than perhaps the others? All I have now are questions with no answers to them. Who do I ask? Whose fault was it? The only explanation is that she had to go. Somewhere, someone else must have needed her more than we did. May be the superman needed her superwoman. I long to see them both smiling together and being there for each other up there. The way they were there for each other on this earth. Seize the eternal days guys. God bless you both.

[aleepaul]

My Superman!

I was in the ICU when I heard footsteps, it was the doctor. He came up to me and said “he is in the grey area.” I had never come across that term in my life before. What was this? What did it mean? Was it something that would define the rest of my life? The doctor then explained; he was talking figuratively that there was the black area and a white area. The doctor also said that he was in between. The doctor then proceeded to say, “We are not sure but don’t lose hope.”

My mind was not in place anymore. All sorts of voices screaming inside me, some deeper than the deepest battle drums, “You are not sure? Why are you not sure? How could you not be sure? Am I not paying you enough? How could you say that? You, of all men, who act like deities when it comes to qualifications!” The noise was deafening. It was ground shattering. I felt so helpless; could I not do anything to somehow help my father fight for his life in the ICU?

My father’s brother, who lived abroad, called asking about the condition. He wanted to leave for Pakistan at once, oblivious to the world in his panic. I told him what I knew best. I told him that I was unsure and that he might survive but since the last four days he was being kept alive by machines. I told him to come.

Next day, a voice; so evil it filled my heart in terror. It was the speakers. A message was broadcasted in hospital, calling the attendant of some patient to ICU. I don't remember a day I ran as fast as I did that day; ran as if I would be able to stop the angel of death and bring him back to life. When I reached the ICU my eyes fixated upon the small opening of crinkled curtains; my knees, weak and my heart, pounding. I put on a brave face. I was looking ready; ready to accept anything. As I watched, the doctors pounded onto his chest. Every fiber of my body was numb and just when I thought I would never be able to feel anything again one of the doctors came to me and said something I dreaded from the start. All I could see was the movement of her lips- some sound falling into my ears, and I could not make sense of any of it. She shook me to bring me back to consciousness and then said, “We have been trying since the last half of the hour, but his body is not responding”. I nodded and mustered up all my ability to say, “Keep trying”. That was all I wanted, that was all I could think of. I did not want to lose the most defining role of my life. She went back to revive his heart and shouted at somebody to drop the curtains and that was it, I was devastated. My brother rest his hand on my shoulder and gave me the motivation I needed. “It’s alright” was what he said, it was enough. It felt like a breeze of fresh air, just when I was feeling the roof was flying off my head and floor was shaking under my feet, that small sentence brought me back to this world.

He laid there since five days, silent, ever so silent. He did not say anything, he did not move; that was the first time I realized my father was gone, that the machines-they were just making him breathe, while the doctors could easily sustain his life, his life was lifeless. Just when I thought I could take no more of this, a doctor came out of ICU, his face full of lament, “I am sorry, it was God’s will”.

 I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t want this. How was this happening to me? Why was this happening to me? This… This was not me. I never had to face this sort of situation in my lifetime. I was in a state of denial. My world just ended on that bed along with my father. I felt as if my reason to exist ceased to exist itself, but the denial was soon over.

Be it the doctor’s fault, be it that he didn’t complain about his pain-there was so much pain. The reason was irrelevant, it was redundant. What mattered now was that he was gone and the screaming inside my head was deafening.

I didn’t cry for days, I just couldn’t. The pain inside me was assaulted with my will to stay composed there were reprisals. The pain burst out of me. It was relentless. I was turned into ashes, devoured, broken. With my bruised soul I picked pieces of my life- so many of which had ended in so little time,  read some poetry and tried to let my emotions flow.

I never cried so hard in my life. He is in pictures, words, quotations, he is everywhere.

 Yes I miss him a lot. My childhood superhero, my source of inspiration, my leader and my guidance went away and is part of memories only.