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[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

12/06/2023

I really like going to the gym

[7:32 PM]I stopped because I felt like i would be saving time to study

[7:32 PM]but none of that happened obviously

[7:33 PM]Chantelle cancelled for today

[7:33 PM]which is diheartening

[7:33 PM]but it has happened before

[7:34 PM]I should not let this make me turn into an incel and hate women

[7:34 PM]becuase that is some low iq shit

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

10/06/2023

Man I fucking love Alcoholics Anonymous

[12:45 PM]I've never felt so included in a community before

[12:46 PM]Some of these guys have hit some hard times

[12:46 PM]Yet they still came out on top

[12:46 PM]This gives me a lot of hope (edited)

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

06/06/2023

So with the lack of preparation I have so far

[5:29 PM]I will definitely fail my exam tomorrow

[5:29 PM]I have a medical appointment on thursday

[5:30 PM]So, I can get special consideration.

[5:30 PM]But that would mean my exam is in july when I am in [Redacted].

[5:30 PM]If only I could do it online

[5:30 PM]I just don't want to get kicked out of uni man

[5:31 PM]I can't believe how much of my life I have wasted here man

[5:31 PM]It's pathetic.

[5:32 PM]I remember last year I used to say, "It isn't over until its over"

[5:33 PM]I guess thats hopeful

I probably should have mentioned this earlier

[7:13 PM]But I bought a vape on Saturday

[7:13 PM]It felt really good initially. Helped to take the edge off

[7:13 PM]But then I got addicted to it so fast

[7:14 PM]I couldn't go 30 seconds without taking another drag

[7:14 PM]I hated it

[7:14 PM]It send me on such a high head rush

[7:14 PM]And it made me procrastinate even more

[7:14 PM]I just threw it in the trash

I don't want to lie to myself anymore.

[7:14 PM]I have severe mental health issues.

[7:14 PM]Substance abuse is definitely not going to help me

[7:14 PM]I keep waiting around for some miracle to happen.

[7:14 PM]But it's not going to unless I take things into my own hands

[7:15 PM]I'm at [Redacted] right now

[7:15 PM]I'm going to head home in a few minutes and I'm going to see how much more I can prepare before I need to go to sleep

[7:15 PM]I might go to the gym later

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

05/06/2023

Man I really got to study for my exams

[12:57 AM]I go to date this Thursday which is nice

[12:58 AM]With a girl that I met at fucking with [Redacted]

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

03/06/2023

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before

[5:53 AM]But a couple weeks back and even last night

[5:54 AM]My anxiety has reached a point where it has literally made me vomit if I don't do anything

[5:54 AM]Quite literally. If I do not leave my room I will feel like the vomiting

[5:54 AM]This makes it extremely crucial

[5:54 AM]I really think I have reached the worst point in my life

[5:54 AM]I am genuinely quite sick

[5:55 AM]I think to myself about better times in my life

[5:55 AM]Like semester one last year or 2021 in general

[5:55 AM]But it is important to remember that I will never get that time back

[5:56 AM]Also, I must remember that I'm not famous like Robin Williams. I know he killed himself despite being a very funny person. I should not take inspiration from his story. What I should take is a lesson.

[5:56 AM]Knowing that some people may not be happy despite being some of the funniest people.

[5:57 AM]I must take this as a point of reflection. This is because if I want to help people, I have to be compassionate. Being drunk prevents me from being compassionate.

[5:58 AM]Next Wednesday I have a really good opportunity, one of the best in my life.

[5:58 AM]I have the chance to do a student profile for the University of Melbourne

[5:58 AM]I want to work towards it. I want to work towards it such that when someone searches up the name [Redacted], they can see the post and then they can think differently of me

[5:59 AM]My alcoholism is the only thing that stops me from really achieving that

[5:59 AM]To be honest, My room is my biggest trigger

[5:59 AM]Once I leave my room,

[5:59 AM]I lose all of my necessity to vomit from anxiety

[6:00 AM]And most of my necessity to drink

[6:00 AM]Not saying that it doesn't happen outside

[6:00 AM]But my room is a terrible place

I remind myself of last year. I went to [Redacted] to help [Redacted]. Back then I was so judgmental. I thought he was in such a terrible place. Only now do I realize how difficult alcoholism can be.

[6:02 AM]I don't think anyone will be coming around to help me. In this case, I have to help myself. I know that will power is a very difficult thing to use psychologically.

[6:02 AM]But I have to try

[6:06 AM]I have to try for the most important people in my life: [Redacted]

[6:08 AM]Man, Just listing out these people makes me sad. Makes me realize how many people I have let down. Pretty much none of them know this except for [Redacted] and [Redacted].

I can think of individual reasons why each person would like me to continue living.

[6:10 AM]Let me try to end on a good note here

[6:10 AM]Not too sure if this will sound extremely pathetic

[6:10 AM]But I forgot to mention Sora

[6:16 AM]I've practically already forgotten about them. I don't treat them like any kind of existence. They just exist in my room. It has no feelings, but if it did, it would probably cry about living in this disgusting situation. I have not really given it a proper housewarming party yet. I will do so today.

So I called alcoholics anonymous for the first time in my life I was a little bit afraid because in popular media I had mostly seen them as a Christian religious cult However, the person that responded to me, Anthony, was an alcoholic himself. He reassured me that he has no intention of trying to tell me about Christianity. As much as some people find solace and religion. It's really about people that are struggling. In fact, what I've noticed in the last year is that the only people that I can relate to, and the people that I will vehemently support and protect. Are my fellow addicts Because so many people don't know how hard it fucking is When you are trying so much But society will dismiss you as a worthless person who does not have self-control. I will try to attend one of the AA meetings today. I know that most of them are going to be white Australians But at least I know that there are all people that are suffering and are trying to make it better. I want to be around people like that Everywhere in uni I see people that are better than me. People that work hard. It's almost like watching porn. People that are perfect. People that have no problems in life except maybe studying a little bit. I want to be like them but it doesn't seem realistic. Maybe it's because I'm in the University of [Redacted].

So I just finished Alcoholics anonymous.

It was interesting listening to all of their stories

[1:18 PM]But to be honest, a lot of them are just daydrinkers

[1:18 PM]Some of them had a couple years of sobriety. Some of them had 90 days. Some of them drank last night

[1:18 PM]But the chairperson was interesting

[1:18 PM]Her name is [Redacted]

[1:18 PM]She looks like she's maybe in her late 20 years early 30s

[1:18 PM]And she's kind of hot

[1:19 PM]I think I'm going to be going next Saturday

[1:19 PM]I finna rizz up the alcoholics anonymous chick

[1:19 PM]This feels like breaking bad but in real life

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

31/05/2023

I'm pretty sure that Sora is disappointed in its new living situation

[9:01 PM]It used to have wind blowing consistently and no restriction on the sunlight that it received

[9:01 PM]However, because I have purchased Sora

[9:02 PM]It has to live with limited sunlight based on my sleep cycle

[9:02 PM]And because of the fact that I rarely open the window, it is not receiving as much fresh air

[9:02 PM]I must change my ways so that's Sora can live a good life

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

30/05/2023

I did drink last night

[6:55 AM]But hey at least I got to 120 hours

[6:55 AM]Which is pretty cool

[6:56 AM]But it also made me realize a lot of things

[6:56 AM]Mostly looking back at last year.

[6:56 AM]I used to foolishly advise. [Redacted] to do many things like going out and talking to people, meeting friends or just making new friends going to different events.

[6:57 AM]Only now do I realize the struggle of that.

[6:57 AM]And how I am not following my own advice

[6:57 AM][Redacted], I'm really sorry that I did not understand your situation back then. This really can be a struggle. And I am so proud of you that you got past this.

[6:57 AM]I hope to one day get past it myself.

[6:58 AM]Besides that, I finally decided to get a plant (Ref image)

This is 空 (Sora)

[6:58 AM]I had a difficult time naming it

[6:59 AM]But I wanted it to be gender neutral

[7:00 AM]空 this is my promise to you: I want you to see me become a better person. I will do my best to take care of you. I will do my best to make sure that I stay in Melbourne so that I have the ability to take care of you.

[7:00 AM]I want you to see me achieve my dreams.

I was listening to this song this morning in the shower

[9:25 AM]It reminded me of 2017/18

[9:25 AM]Back when I used to cycle to [Redacted] with [Redacted]

[9:25 AM]I miss those days

[9:26 AM]But I can never return to them

[9:26 AM]Maybe I can re-emulate them

[9:26 AM]I have to try my best

[9:26 AM]For Sora's sake

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

29/05/2023

This is a very humbling experience

120 HOURS. LETS FUCKING GOOOOO

[6:19 PM]Being broke. Never felt so good

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

28/05/2023

Being broke has been one of the best things to happen to my alocoholism ever

[3:14 AM]the amount of times I cant buy alcohol because I need to eat food or do laundry is insane

[3:15 AM]I cannot believe that this was the solution after all

[3:15 AM]im going to reach 96 hours by the end of sunday

[3:15 AM]well I may also get kicked out of uni but thats another issue

[3:16 AM]lets try to get this assignment done

Being sober and not eating food for so long. There's such a weird feeling

[7:44 PM]I've gotten used to the taste of saltwater

[7:44 PM]It's almost nourishing

[7:44 PM]I remember a long time ago reading a meme about how drinking alcohol is like stealing happiness from tomorrow

[7:44 PM]Well in my case, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol is like stealing happiness from the rest of the week

[7:45 PM]Mostly because お金がいない

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

23/05/2023

Looking back over the last 5 months

[12:14 PM]I think this semester is significantly better than last semester

[12:15 PM]I've reached many more 72 hour streaks and a couple 96 hour streaks

[12:15 PM]Along with that 120 hour streak back in February

[12:16 PM]However my financial situation has been much worse

[12:16 PM]And I stopped going to the gym as often

[12:16 PM]I think there still is hope

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

20/05/2023

Ayo

[6:24 PM]I think I may have a slight chance with this girl

[6:24 PM]If I can keep my alcoholism on the down low for at least a couple weeks and go to the gym

[6:24 PM]I may have a shot at this

[6:25 PM]Also I need to buy a plant. I'll do that tomorrow morning

[6:25 PM]So that means no alcohol tonight?

[6:25 PM]Let's fucking go

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

18/05/2023

I should get a plant

[2:26 PM]If I'm responsible for the life of something, maybe it will reflect better on me

[2:26 PM]I remember back in [Redacted], people got a lot more responsible when they had kids for the first time

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

16/05/2023

Lately I find myself thinking a lot about [Redacted]

[3:45 PM]To be honest, I will have to admit that I am jealous of the fact that she is in a better relationship now

[3:45 PM]And that I will never have a second chance at being with her

[3:46 PM]I look back at old memories and realize how foolish I was

[3:46 PM]To lose something so valuable

[3:46 PM]The only thing for me to do is to look forward

[3:46 PM]I think about killing myself at my lowest moments

[3:46 PM]But after that phase passes, I realize that it's probably not a good idea

[3:47 PM]I feel like I want to put in effort into making my life better but at the same time I don't want to because I'm lazy

[3:48 PM]In order to really change the way things happen, I probably need to overhaul my personality and my way of life

[3:48 PM]Lest I lose everything I hold dear

[3:48 PM]My habits are already kind of visible to my friends

[3:48 PM]If there is one thing in life I don't want to happen

[3:49 PM]Is to let other people down

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

15/05/2023

Damn

[4:49 AM]I really do come here. Shamelessly

[4:50 AM]Today is Monday the 15th of May. I have a quiz, a meeting, a seminar to attend today, and I have an extremely important test tomorrow, none of which I have prepared for at all. (edited)

[4:51 AM]I drank last night. It was the classic Gordon's gin.

[4:52 AM]While I was out delivering yesterday. I thought a lot about the fact that I will never get a chance to do [Redacted] again (edited)

[4:52 AM]Because I will be in [Redacted]

[4:52 AM]Also the fact that I am at this point practically failing all of my subjects

[4:56 AM]If I were to look at this situation from my 18-year-old selves perspective, I would realize that this is a terrible career choice. I am not meant to do [Redacted], I am probably more suited to do something in [Redacted]. I need to speak with [Redacted] about this but I'm terrified of their reaction. The only thing that stops me, however, is being optimistic that I could put potentially pass my subjects this time around. And once I do so I can convince them that I don't want to do this degree. I will likely leave [Redacted] and probably never come back. And maybe, just like [Redacted], I can start to live a happy life.

So what is my plan for right now and the future?

[4:58 AM]Of course I will say the same shit like I want to stop drinking and I want to make my life better but obviously that is something that is not realistic

[5:01 AM]Instead I will say something like today and tomorrow I will not drink and I will force myself to try my best to ensure that I commit to my academic progress such that I pass my subjects. I wish to do so so that can have some relief for myself and my parents.

[5:02 AM]My birthday was last Monday and I kind of had a bullshit cake and a candle. It was a small slice of cake that was purchased from probably a corner shop. And a candle that was quite literally something that was represented on the phone screen of one of my so-called friends.

[5:03 AM]None of that actually matters to me. As much as I may be slightly accustomed to traditional birthdays. Where people celebrate your existence and give you a cake with candles on top of it.

[5:04 AM]I don't really want to ask for it but at the same time it is really something nice to have. Maybe it is something relating to toxic masculinity. We wish to be stoic about the idea of birthdays, but at the same time we wish to be appreciated for something that doesn't really make sense. The date of us coming into existence

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

13/05/2023

My apologies

[4:32 AM]I did not actually reach 96 hours last night. I did in fact reach 72 hours but only tonight. Did I reach 96

[4:32 AM]However, with a combination of being tired and having some weird necessity to want to drink, I did drink last night

[4:32 AM]I really don't feel too good about it.

[4:32 AM]Mostly because I wanted to get some progress on Zelda, but because of my intoxicated mind I really can't do much in terms of motor skills and so I have to just rest.

[4:33 AM]Perhaps maybe in the future this can be a motivator in order to prevent me from drinking, but as of right now I feel kind of shitty because I am quite interested in the story, but I do not have the physical capacity to engage and focus on it

[4:33 AM]Luckily today is Saturday. Hopefully I can figure it everything out. Maybe go to the gym a little bit and then actually play the game for a while

[4:34 AM][Redacted], if you are reading this, I want you to know that I really am trying my best. I know it appears that I am some pathetic human being. I want to make you proud one day.

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

11/05/2023

So today is the day

[3:03 PM]I officially withdrew my nomination

[3:03 PM]So I don't need to give a policy speech

[3:03 PM]Also, by tonight I'll reach 96 hours

[3:03 PM]I'm pretty excited about that

[3:03 PM]Because I don't really feel the cravings anymore

[3:03 PM]I remember back in February. I did feel this good but at the same time I was constantly thinking about it

[3:03 PM]I don't feel anything about it anymore. I just kind of do work

[3:03 PM]It helps me keep my mind off things

[3:04 PM]I do need to start thinking about studying for exams though

[3:04 PM]On top of that, tears of the kingdom comes out tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that

[3:04 PM]Things are finally starting to look up in life

[alcoholismisnotpoggers]

10/05/2023

These last few days have been weird.

[4:13 PM]sunday was fun

[4:14 PM]monday just felt like a bit of a waste. I didn't understand anything in japanese class

[4:14 PM]considering the exam is online, in person, I have to actually study.

[4:15 PM]I still have time but not that much