alburnusgecko

[alburnusgecko]

Alright, Journal 2 time YIPPEE ^_^ it’s the day before the ventity happened, btw!

tw: not too much! descriptions of pain, a bit of paranoia and some depersonalization. This one ended up being a bit less intense than the last one tbh. Feel free to tell me if you think there’s something else in here that needs mentioned though!

November 18, 2024

Entry written in a stolen spiral-bound notebook, hidden in the same undisclosed cabinet as the bloody notepad that the first journal entry is scrawled on.

—

I made it out of the forest alive, somehow, and I've survived more than a week, so I figured I might as well write an update. And I mean, there’s still no guarantee that I’ll survive, right? Especially not in a place like this. Might as well keep up a record just in case.

At the end of the path I was dragging myself down was a building. It was large, dark and intimidating and some things about it pushed at my mind in a way that was almost as painful as trying to breathe was. I was weak and didn’t want to potentially put myself in a fight I couldn’t win so I hid in the forest, waiting until the sun went down to approach the building. I got in easily enough, somehow, and managed to lock myself in one of the bathrooms without anyone noticing.

The first thing I can clearly remember from that night was looking in the mirror. It was -

The thing that looked back at me wasn’t me. Covered in blood, terrified, scarred and alien. It had such wide eyes, such a thin, bony face.. We made eye contact, and looked away in panic at the exact same moment. The way I felt, when I realized that I was looking at 'myself', that I was seeing my own body..

The worst part is that I have no idea what I should look like. Every time I catch my reflection, those eyes.. I try to avoid mirrors, mostly. 

I looked away from the face in the mirror, keeping my back to the wall it was hanging on so I couldn't accidentally catch a glimpse of it. Tried to put it out of my mind, at least until I had a plan of action. Took stock of everything I had on me.

I was wearing the same suit I’m wearing now, damp and covered in mud. It felt very unpleasant to wear, restricting my movement in ways I don't think I was used to. At least it had been spared from most of the blood, I guess. I cleaned it up a bit, and it looked.. not perfect, but okay enough. In the pockets were a full but definitely not brand new pack of cigarettes, a lighter, the notepad I wrote my first journal entry on, and a little green and purple keychain attached to a single key. I didn’t know what the keychain was at first, but I looked it up the other day and apparently it’s a UFO. 

I had the creature I coughed up earlier, too. It was small enough to fit in my pants pocket, and I had put them there while I was hiding in the woods earlier because holding it had been making my skin burn. I think that it secretes digestive acid or something similar, maybe? I’ve seen it catch mice a few times in the past few days and I’m pretty sure that’s what it's for at least, it just kind of sits and waits for them to come investigate it and then folds itself in on them, sort of like a venus fly trap but more fleshy.. Probably burned up my insides too, now that I’m thinking about it. Bet that's why breathing hurts so much.

..Anyways, I decided that I couldn't make a good plan without learning about my surroundings so I left the bathroom once I was sure nobody was around. I snooped around for a bit, and discovered a few things. First, that I was in a place called the Evil Science Center. Second, that there is a lost and found, and that somebody had recently misplaced their phone. Third, nobody even looked at me twice, despite how strange and weak I must have looked. Fourth, how everyone else moved their body, and how to mimic their movements with my own body. It was a bit of a blur, honestly. Most of those first days were.

I slept in the bathroom that night, only getting a few hours of poor sleep. I spent some time on my new phone, discovered the internet and the esc group chat. I decided on something to call myself, naming myself after animals I found on Wikipedia. I know now that it’s a strange name but nobody’s really questioned it so it’s worked out okay. By morning I had already made up a simple story about why I was there. Decided to be honest about missing my memories so that people would question me less. It’s worked out. I was also honest about coming from the woods in case anyone here might know anything about my past, but so far nobody’s recognized me at all. Not sure if that’s really a good or bad thing yet.

It’s been.. okay, for the past few days. I’m nice. I’m very, very nice, and nobody comes after me. Well, so far. I think there’s at least one person here who wants to eat me so I have a few safety measures set up, just in case.

I moved into a broken elevator far away from the main facility. It’s pretty okay. Nobody comes up here. The creature stays up here, mostly in a glass enclosure I stole from one of the labs. Like I said before, it eats mice, and some bugs I think. It catches them by itself, I don’t have to feed them to it. I’ve been thinking, though, and I don’t know if I should keep it or get rid of it, honestly. I don’t know if it’s really safe for it in the esc, it might be less likely to be stolen and dissected if it was free in the woods, you know?

I’ve been trying to help around here, at least enough that it’s not suspicious. Going into the labs, though.. Some of them make me afraid in a bone deep way. I hate it. I hate trying to think about why I hate it, too, it makes my head hurt so bad. I feel like I have a constant headache, and sometimes..

Sometimes I do remember, just a bit. Things I really don’t want to remember. Never anything concrete, just flashes of pain, bright lights, the smell of ammonia.. lots of needles. Lots of concrete. The burn of electricity. It’s all I dream about, too. I don’t really want to remember where I come from, I think. Not those parts.

At least there’s some nice people here, I guess. I’m even going out for drinks with some of the other interns later. Never been out of the facility before, I hope it’s not too confusing out there..

On that topic, I think I need to get ready to leave. Might write more tomorrow.

[alburnusgecko]

Ok, I think it’s as done as it’s going to get for now, so here’s gecko’s first journal entry! They’re really going through it in this one tbh (there will be worse in the future, but this one is fairly graphic) sorry if any of the writing’s weird, it’s not something I do often at all!

tw: blood, vomit, pain, choking/asphyxiation, a bit of swearing, some suicidal ideation (vaguely), and please tell me if there’s anything else you think should be mentioned here!

November 9, 2024

Entry written on a small notepad, once long forgotten in somebody’s vest pocket, now in an undisclosed hiding spot in one of the esc basements

—

I don’t know how I’m alive right now. I don’t think I’m supposed to be. Everything feels so, so wrong, I don’t think they should have saved me 

But they did. They saved me so I must be alive for a reason, I hope there’s a reason

I need to write down what happened, I think. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, my head hurts like it��s going to split open and there’s so much blood, I can’tbreathe

[the writing cuts off sharply and there are specks of blood on the paper, smeared like somebody tried to wipe them off. When the writing resumes, it is in a much clearer hand than the first few lines]

Everything felt so slow, at first. Then everything hurt. My skin, muscles, nerves and bones all felt like they were being stabbed by hundreds of needles, like they were being injected with acid. It felt like I was being crushed, like I had no real form, it was all just pain, I couldn’t breathe at all

There was something in me, in my throat, lungs, even in my sinuses. I know they were helping, they were saving me but I didn’t know it then, all I knew was panic and pain and the mud that made me slip and writhe like a crushed worm and I couldn’t move, breathe and it burned and I was dead, I was going to die -

After what felt like forever, I was able to roll onto my side. It felt like my insides were being flushed with bleach as I coughed them up, my whole body heaving until I spat them out in a mess of bile and blood. It felt like an almost unbearable amount of time until I could finally stop choking and just lay there, letting my body take its first rough and bloody breaths.

I eventually could feel my body through the burning, scalpel sharp pain. It was.. wrong. My heart was too slow. The limbs were in the wrong places, I was too small, too thin. Shaped wrong. My teeth didn’t sit right in my jaw. It felt like my body had been twisted and reshaped into something it shouldn’t be - cold, weak and unnatural.

I moved wrong, so fucking wrong as I scrambled out of the mud. Eventually I opened my eyes.

It was bright out. Everything looked fake, somehow. Or maybe too real. I could see the blood and vomit glistening in the mud beneath where I was sprawled, the light catching it in a way I don’t think I was ever supposed to see.

 I could see them, too. The thing that had been choking me. Small, dark, pulsing like a muscle. Sick and wet and disgusting. I reached for them though, so fast that I almost fell back in. I don’t know why. I think they reached for me too.

I’m here now. I found this notepad in my pocket, It’s not the best but it still works for what I need it for. Thought it might be good to have some sort of record that I exist, even if it probably won’t be for long.

They’re still with me, clinging to my hand as I write. They seem a lot smaller when they aren’t strangling me from the inside, and they’re warm and they can move. They’re disgusting. I wonder if they’re a part of me. I don’t think they are but I really don’t know anything, do I? I don’t know why I’m here, why I’m alive, what I am.

I found a path a bit ago, I think if I follow it I might find something. I have to find something, before I change my mind and go back.

[alburnusgecko]

I'm heading back to the esc. It was a nice trip, all things considered. It's always hard to look at him, you know? Just like it's hard to look in the mirror. But.. maybe it won't be, soon. Maybe this will be enough closure. Or maybe it'll just make things worse. I don't know.

Him and his spouses pity me, I think. I don't know why. I'm not the one who should be pitied. I have friends, and family, and a life.. They don't, though. Even if they're the one who should. Maybe I'll be able to give them the life that's rightfully theirs, one day. If they even still exist. But that's what I'm trying to find out, isn't it?

you know, I’ve actually been avoiding the gsc since the first time I visited my alter? Well, I say he's mine, but..

I'm going to pay him a visit, since I’m already here anyways. I think he might be able to give me answers to the question I've been hiding from. I don't think I'm ready to know, but I also don't think I'll ever really be so I might as well rip the bandage off, right?

[alburnusgecko]

I brought up the name Sarah. He told me it used to be his name, too. Sarah Susan Spencer. Said his mom thought the name was cute and old fashioned. She liked the alliteration, apparently. It never fit him though, and I doubt it fit them, either.

That's all I need to know, I think. For now, at least.

you know, I’ve actually been avoiding the gsc since the first time I visited my alter? Well, I say he's mine, but..

I'm going to pay him a visit, since I’m already here anyways. I think he might be able to give me answers to the question I've been hiding from. I don't think I'm ready to know, but I also don't think I'll ever really be so I might as well rip the bandage off, right?

[alburnusgecko]

His husband has six eyes, all of them judging me. I think he knows a lot about me, maybe even more than I know about myself. Or maybe I'm just a bit paranoid. Either way, I'm not going to ask him any of my questions, I don't think I could handle that easy of an answer yet. Maybe it's selfish, but I want to see if I can find them myself.

you know, I’ve actually been avoiding the gsc since the first time I visited my alter? Well, I say he's mine, but..

I'm going to pay him a visit, since I’m already here anyways. I think he might be able to give me answers to the question I've been hiding from. I don't think I'm ready to know, but I also don't think I'll ever really be so I might as well rip the bandage off, right?

[alburnusgecko]

I found him in his wife's lab, talking to her about god knows what. He was surprised to see me, of course, but greeted me like a friend. He's too nice to me I think, especially with how often I ignore his texts.

His husband's coming over now, and when he gets here we're all going to have tea. I don't know how to bring it up. I don't really want to, either. It's an awkward question anyways.

you know, I’ve actually been avoiding the gsc since the first time I visited my alter? Well, I say he's mine, but..

I'm going to pay him a visit, since I’m already here anyways. I think he might be able to give me answers to the question I've been hiding from. I don't think I'm ready to know, but I also don't think I'll ever really be so I might as well rip the bandage off, right?

[alburnusgecko]

(ooc: almost done editing Journal 2, will post it later tonight)

[alburnusgecko]

you know, I’ve actually been avoiding the gsc since the first time I visited my alter? Well, I say he's mine, but..

I'm going to pay him a visit, since I’m already here anyways. I think he might be able to give me answers to the question I've been hiding from. I don't think I'm ready to know, but I also don't think I'll ever really be so I might as well rip the bandage off, right?

[alburnusgecko]

*they curl up on their side, falling asleep alarmingly fast*

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.

[alburnusgecko]

*they hug her back* Well, I doubt anyone’s coming back for us for at least a little bit.. I think I’ll take a quick nap, if that’s okay? I need some energy for later anyways, I guess..

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.

[alburnusgecko]

love you too, Ko, so much. *they smile at her, maybe a bit tired now that the adrenaline from confronting Noa has worn off*

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.

[alburnusgecko]

*they wince* well, it was worth a shot… Ko, I’m sorry. I should’ve talked you out of coming here. I just.. I didn’t want to stop you from making your own choices, you know? I could have tried to stop you a bit more though.

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.

[alburnusgecko]

..yeah. Makes sense… hey, do you think you can get through the barrier as a bat? Might as well try it, right?

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.

[alburnusgecko]

*they pet her more* thanks, Ko.. *they lay down on the ground, staying silent for a few minutes, lost in thought* ..Ko? Do you still consider Noa your friend after all this?

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.

[alburnusgecko]

*they smile at her* glad to see you’re mostly alright, then. I was worried, when I first saw you.. if anything had happened to you, I really.. I don’t know what I’d do.

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.

[alburnusgecko]

*they pet Ko while they try to examine the barrier a bit* there has to be.. I don’t know, something we could do.. I really don’t know anything about magic though, sorry..

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.

[alburnusgecko]

I think so, at least for now.. *they sigh, frustrated* ..also I have quite a few blood bags in my bag, if you need more while we work on figuring this barrier out. *they set down the duffel bag they’ve been carrying over their shoulder*

Stop stalling. Do it, dearest.

I-I…

She stares at Ko — at how pitiful they seem like this. All hurt and tired. It would be so easy to… they take a deep breath, hand inching towards the knife.

Stop. Stalling.

More blood. Fear.

Mom!!!

The cry comes naturally; instinctively. She’s scared. Dr Briars doesn’t hear, The Angel makes sure of it. More coughing, more blood.

O-okay… I’ll do it… just… give me a bit. I don’t make a habit of killing others, you know.

The Angel looks at her, almost judging.

One hour more to prepare. And then, you will free her. Understood?

Y-yes…

Good.