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I want to fall apart because I know you’ll be there to catch me; but will you be able to withstand the weight of all my pain on top of your own?

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I fall asleep on my couch every night because my bedroom is haunted. when I lie in bed I can make out your silhouette standing in the doorway I can feel the bed shift as you roll over the warmth of your body as it collides with mine your hands thrown haphazardly over my waist I can feel your fingertips ghost over my spine to write promises you’ll never keep I can see your lazy smile when we wake up and I can wipe the sleep from your eyes as you place feather soft kisses on my neck and tell me you’ll make breakfast and tea. I can’t lie in my bed anymore because it reminds me every night of you and the night you whispered goodbye, as you tucked a stand of hair behind my ear. but you didn’t give me a kiss. I felt your tear hit my cheek and I heard your breath ragged in your throat you struggled to say something, to force the cruel words from your throat but you couldn’t. so I felt another tear trickle slowly down my neck and your footsteps treaded towards the door. I should have told you to stay instead I drew my knees to my chest, traced your words onto my thighs and whispered “please” to the curtains

late night ramblings

[akdamflam]

Thoughts: A Lovely Way to Burn

You said I was beautiful the way people say it in movies— breathless, every syllable begging me to believe. You kissed me like you hadn’t been kissed in years— greedy, your lips determined to turn my mouth into a feast. You touched me like you couldn’t believe I was real— desperate, like at any moment I might vanish into thin air.   There is nothing better  than to be held like you might be the last thing someone ever touches and they are content with that. You made me believe my skin was beautiful enough to break your heart, but you are willing to take that chance as long as you get to hold the most fragile parts of me in  your hand, your mouth, your heart. 

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My mother lived in the dark fingerprint smudges underneath my eyes. She slept peacefully, immersed in my peace of mind. But not I— When I tied a noose around the sun and threatened it’s rise from the horizon, I told my mother that I could sleep when  the sky was dead because the most remarkable things appear in the darkness. I wasn’t ready to give up button fumbling or accidentally stubbing my toe against a nightstand when everything is unfocused. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. She didn’t believe me.

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Love; a breathless moment -- Drabble

The stars twinkled in the sky like small diamonds out a newly open box, glitter thrown mechanically across a black satin sheet.  Silverpelt had been out for a few hours now, and after a restful night of sleep in the somewhat humid apprentices’ den led Pinepaw to slip out into the cool, brisk morning.  It would be a number of hours before the Clan awoke and he had any work to be done, and yet he hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep; it was too hot and his mind was too active, it created quite the dilemma.  Before he was apprenticed, he was able to get complete nights of rest--there was no worries flooding his thoughts or nothing clawing down the protective walls he’d build up against everyone.

But for some reason she makes them all tumble down, his thoughts redistributed in a countless array of combinations.  Just the thought of her in close proximity or her name burning on his tongue--in his mind.  That’s all it needs to urge the creatures alive underneath his skin and make his fur itch until he scratches himself raw.  The more he thinks, the longer he walks, and the more he feels like he’s sick to the bone and needs to reel and vomit up his emotions; the soft sunrise just beginning breaking over the horizon spilling pinks and reds onto the river banks, promising a dull awakening from two hours of rest.

A cold shudder finds his spine every time his mentor says his name--especially sharply, he flinches at those--and he never figured that he could define the color of unnecessary loneliness whenever his sister was right beside him at such a young age; he aches for her in every fiber of his body.  They name him a crushed soul and once in a while he can’t help but agree when her name is marinating inside of him--his mind, his soul, his being--so much that it becomes borderline obsessive; he always remembered his mother telling him that each poem was a breathless moment released into the wind, but he never figured love would be the same.

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I wrote something. Now I’m going to go to bed because it’s almost 1.

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Escaping

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Pinekit nodded in agreement, his eyes already trained on the dark figure loping into the territory.  His sister wasn’t far from the truth, honestly.  A lot of the cats had began to come down with Green Cough--Bumblestripe and Thistlestar of TrenchClan, Wildtalon of WoundedClan, and Snowbank and an unnamed warrior of ShadeClan--and Birchpool widely voiced his concern about his mate and her kits having it.  They were coughing nearly all of the time, stale snot dry against their noses, and a wave of warmth always seemed to be heated around them; it made being near them uncomfortable.  Seedheart would groan once in a while in her sleep.  After a few days of her complaining, Birchpool finally caved and decided that he should be the one to help them; he began to treat them for Green Cough, though their diagnosis came out false--Seedheart was as terrified as her sister had been whenever Pinekit and Mintkit had a stomach ache, and since all three of them were suffering, there was no harm in trying.

As soon as Dark Stone actually stopped next to them, Pinekit’s eyes widened a little bit.  She was even more beautiful up close--he honestly stood no chance; he was barking up the wrong tree.  Dark Stone was a beautiful molly with fur as dark as midnight and a voice that rang in his ears with a better rhythm than Twoleg bells; it played better than any song, and it made his heartbeat flutter.  Her scent was enough to drug his mind senseless, and most of the time--when she came around--he stood numb, a dumb smile spread across his face.  But now she was closer to him, and his heart leaped up his throat and he could feel his blood flush from his face, boiling in his ears.  He turned his sea-foam eyes over towards Mintkit, dampening in his dry throat enough so that he was able to look back towards Dark Stone.

He felt like he was flying, his paws trembling underneath him barely able to hold his own weight.  Whenever he first opened his mouth to speak to the pretty molly, it cracked uneasily and he flattened his ears down--his whole face flooded hot with embarrassment.  “Um… yeah, it’s our first snow and…” You’re really pretty.  “We were wanting to go see Seedheart’s kittens and… wondered… if you wanted to go with us?”  Nice move, fishbrain, you guys live in the same den as them; you’re able to see them all of the time.  She probably thinks that that’s a weird thing to say… you haven’t commented on her past.  Is it too late for that now?  Dammit! 

Mintkit poked her head up from the snow, a clump of frozen white mush was on top of her head and bits of snow were clinging to her ears. She had a bit of snow stuck to her fur, her tail practically dropping bits of snow. She looked like a frozen monster, her white fur covered in clumps of cold snow and her blue eyes glimmering. She was shivering a little bit and her breath came out in a ghost train of pale smoke, her nose was wrinkled and starting to run a bit. The white stuff wasn’t eating her then but it was so hard to move through. She felt like if it got a mind of it’s own then it surely it would swallow her whole. She looked up to her brother, even he’d been swallowed by the evil white stuff. She was about positive that it was out to get her and her brother. 

She made a face and pushed through the snow, making a pretty good Mintkit shaped path. She was shoveling the snow forward with each pawstep, building up a pile of snow before her and huffing with the effort. Her ears flattened and her muscles straining with each big pawstep she took forward, there was a moment and the piling snow collapsed upon her and she made a muffled noise of frozen despair. There was a definite struggle beneath the pile of snow before she surfaced with a huge gasp and shook her fur out. She wrinkled her nose and pawed at the white powder.

"This stuff hates me, I’m sure of it." she spat with a cross twitch of her tail and her gaze flickered to her brother. "It really attacked me."

She had snow stuck to her fur and her body was freezing beneath her thin fur, she was sure that she was going to turn blue and die at this rate. It was so cold that even the Woundedclan cats must be freezing their tails off! “How can this stuff be so cold? It’s like water but it’s mushy and I think you can bite it. What does it look like?” she asked, gazing at her brother and sneezing a bit of snow off her little pink nose. “Is it pretty?”

Dark Stone was leaping into camp at that moment, her dark form a pretty evident contrast to the white snow that filled the camp. She could have been a ghoul as far as the winter wonderland was concerned, her blue eyes glimmering in the sunlight and a vole clutched firmly in her jaws. Her head turned to the two kits and she dropped the vole in the pile, leaping over to the two and smiling brightly. “This is your first snow, isn’t it? I remember when it first snowed in the mountains when I was little. My brother and I were jumping all over the place. I kind of miss Sway.”

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“I’ll save you, Mintkit!” Pinekit growled, pushing himself back onto his paw and sprinting over towards the white blanket that covered the whole clearing.  He honestly couldn’t believe that whatever that was, was attacking his sister, but here he was tumbling nearly ears-over-paws until he tripped and yelped.  Pinekit’s ruddy form slipped forward on the cold mush, the ice shifting between his toes, before he collapsed into the snow beside his sisters.  He flopped around, waving his paws and somehow ending up positioning himself on his back.  He flattened his ears to his head and screamed at the top of his lungs--which was obviously not a very Pinekit thing to do.  “Momma, help!  It’s eating us!  Momma!  Momma!”

Rosestar watched the kittens with a blank expression and a dull frown, her left ear giving a twitch.  She had expected the kittens to take a better turn of the events--waking them up early, sneaking out into the snow and playing with them quietly until the rest of the Clan woke up.  Instead, she ended up with two kittens barreling into the snow with no expectations and freezing their tails off.  While waking up the whole Clan, mind you.  The leader let out a hideous sigh before stepping forward, giving a gentle flick against her ill sister’s shoulder of apology, before stepping into the cold excuse of a monster.

“Don’t worry, babies.”  She cooed towards them, stopping beside them and nudging either of them to their paws with her nose.  “This is nothing that will cause harm, I assure you.  This is snow.  It’s cold and makes water freeze--the river’s probably frozen over right now.”  The molly explained, turning to take a quick glance over towards the river.  As she had expected, instead of the dark, bubbling blackness she received a frozen wasteland.  She crinkled her nose and looked back towards her kittens, a gentle purr of amusement rumbling from her chest.  “This comes every Leaf Bare, so you should probably learn to get used to it.  Now, you’re able to play around the clearing today but please stay out of the warrior’s and apprentice’s ways; they’re helping Momma clean and restock the camp and it would be horrible for my two lovely babies to be harmed--which also means no going around the lake, I don’t want you two getting hurt.”  She instructed, bumping each of them affectionately before turning and heading off.

As if something had popped in her mind, Rosestar stopped and turning back towards her two kittens.  “By the way, make sure you two apologize to your aunt sometime today--her and her babies are sick and you’ve woken them up from your chaotic entertainment.  Be kind and respectful.” 

"What’s goin’ on?" mumbled a rather sleepy Mintkit, her head lifting from her little paws and her body lifting in a hooked stretch. Her little tail curled over her back and her fur prickling along her spine when the nip of the air got to her flesh. She wasn’t a fan of it immediately because she recoiled when it burned it’s way through her fur. She sniffed at the cold air as she stepped forward, however much the freezing air irritated her, she couldn’t help but wanting to explore it some more. She stepped on forward until a single paw sunk down into the cold mush that had become their camp. This was a shocker, to say the least. She yelped and scrambled backwards, tumbling into Pinekit and falling over.

She frowned and sat up and shook her paw aggressively to try to knock the slush free of her toes. A squeal of defeat left her muzzle when her paw pad remained freezing. She jumped forward however, intent on defeating this nearly invisible foe made of cold smushy wetness and she plunged into it. Her little form sunk slightly and she yelped and started to hop up and down, scrabbling to get away from it but only managing to plow further into it. Getting a face full of snow and a frozen bunch of paws in the process.

"Mommy, the cold stuff is eating me!"

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Over the next few days, the water waded back into the river and the Clan set back into the territory to make sure that they were able to replenish everything.  The warriors’ den was in ruins, the apprentice and deputy’s den was a shamble of roots and reeds, and the leader’s den--which happened to be a slab of rock where Rosestar leaped up and announced Clan gatherings, a thin slice in the middle decorated over by lichen--was moist and uncomfortable, a few nicks in the stone.  The only den that didn’t seem to have much of an issue was the nursery, it stood how it had always been since the Clans moved in (sans a little crack in the hind end, easily fixed by a patch of woven reeds).  WoundedClan, who resided a little ways upstream, was knocked around a little on their banks and a few feet into their forest of trees--but considering their camp is in the middle of their territory, they weren’t affected.

Seedheart was now in the nursery with her two kittens, all three of them coughing up a storm and sneezing.  The next afternoon they received sleet, which slowly transformed into snow.  As soon as the morning light spilled through the milky white clouds, Rosestar picked her way out of her sopping den and pricked her ears in surprise; a nice blanket of white covered nearly everything in sight--a least a few inches high--and ice clung to the top of her den.  The leaves were all off of the trees and a covering of frost and icicles hung down from their chipped brown texture.  A smile dazzled against her muzzle and she stepped out into the snow, holding her tail high, before padding over towards the nursery.

The leader poked her head in, slipping past her slumbering sister and her two sickly kittens, so that she could arrive next to her warm bundle of kittens.  She prodded Mintkit and Pinekit awake with a gentle touch, her sparkling amber eyes buzzing with excitement.  As soon as Pinekit opened his foamy gaze, he stretched his forepaws forward--his claws clutching and digging into his sister’s tail, a yawn escaping his round mouth--before noticing and flinching away, dropping her tail.  The chill of the frozen camp caught him off guard, the spell of the warm nest breaking.

“StarClan, it’s cold!” Pinekit exclaimed, pressing closer to his sister and shivering.