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Day 5 no nicotine. I want to murder everything.

I don’t understand what the point of living is. I cannot find happiness in anything right now. The logical side of my brain is telling me that it’s simply the drop in dopamine and serotonin that comes with quitting an addiction. I am ripping myself apart not buying a pack of cigarettes. My veins hurt. 

Today Mailchimp made me cry because it wouldn’t let me login to send an email blast. Full on crying and desperately trying to stop myself from flinging my laptop against a wall. 

Today was the first day where I was really going to crack and let myself smoke. Yesterday was an easy day. Not sure why, but it wasn’t too bad with cravings. Then day 5 came and smacked me right in the face. 

It’s really difficult to rewire your brain to stop smoking. Smoking is probably the most socially acceptable addiction to have. We all know smoking is bad and looked down on, but it doesn’t cause the horrible problems in life like alcohol and other substances. It’s so easy to reward yourself with cigarettes. They’re everywhere at all times. There’s nothing stopping me from going out and purchasing a pack of smokes but me right now. I am my biggest enemy.

[akaizora-blog1]

Quitting Smoking...Again

I always told myself that I would quit smoking by the time I turned 30, or when I had kids. Well, 30 came and went in 2018, and I was still lighting up. (I never had kids, btw. Don’t think I will at this point.)

Now, it’s January 3rd, 2020 at 9PM, and I am just closing out hour 72 of quitting cold turkey. I am going absolutely insane. That’s why I’m here. My boyfriend of six years also quit with me as a New Years Resolution, and I can’t talk to him about anything because it just irritates him. Now the headphone jack on his computer isn’t working and he is soooooo agitated. I currently have the Netflix (Surviving R. Kelly for the second time, that bastard) turned down so it’s barely audible with the subtitles on. I am waiting in anticipation for his head to snap around and for him to bark at me that the TV, which I can barely hear, is in fact too loud.

He’s the one that’s too loud. He can’t hear himself talk with the damn headphones on and always speaks way louder than he has to. Okay, I’ll admit, he’s irritating me as much as I’m irritating him right now.

It’s often said that Day Three is the worst when trying to quit smoking. That’s definitely true. Past me would have caved by now. Allowing myself one cigarette a day that would eventually turn into two, and in a week I’d be buying a pack every day again. My boyfriend was doing pretty well for a year, having maybe two or three cigarettes a day, unless we were drinking, then he had more. But, nicotine is nicotine, and she is an evil, demanding mistress.

I keep telling myself that it’s going to get better. That the itching in my veins will go away in a few weeks. That the nausea I’m feeling has more to do with having my period than quitting smoking. (My period decided to enter the New Year with me this year. How festive *eye roll*) I’m not quite sure what to do with myself, especially when I’m bored. I used to just sit outside and smoke when I was bored. I could let the hours pass in peace just smoking and watching YouTube. Now, I have to be doing something at all times. The problem is, I’m not entirely sure what I should be doing.

I’m so twitchy. Today, I think I had maybe two hours where cigarettes or smoking wasn’t the main thing I was thinking about. I worked an eight hour day, did some volunteer work, straightened the house, watched some TV, and read some manga, and the vast majority of the time my inner dialogue was focused on talking myself out of buying a pack of cigarettes, or getting myself through a craving.

Today has been dominated by cravings. I vape THC oil, but I can only be so high at certain points of the day. That’s been satisfying the hand to mouth oral fixation, along with my lifelong love affair with biting my nails. It also helps with the difficulty of the sudden drop in serotonin. I am diagnosed with depression, and have suicidal and self-harming tendencies. Small things have been triggering the suicidal part of me in the last few days. Yesterday I thought I registered for an HMO instead of a PPO, and I was literally sobbing. I felt so fucking worthless. Turns out, I registered for the correct health insurance after all. Then I was mad at myself for getting so upset, and I was stupid. Luckily, the Lexapro decided to cut through all the bullshit in my head at that moment and made me sit down and have a cup of tea and a rip or two from my vape. I stopped crying after a while.

Today has been less suicide-y and more I HATE THE WORLD. Like, how do people get through life without smoking? How did I get through work without smoking? How can I face everyday without my crutch: smoking?

It looks like I’ve typed through my anger for now. Sorry if this has been too much info, but I know that there’s a bitch out there like me right now who is going through this exact same thing, who just needs to know that yes indeed, there’s someone out there suffering the same bullshit you are, and yes, you can get through this too.

I’m really determined this time and I will be using this, blog…thing, to work through my cravings and bad times, and just fucking keep me focused and accountable to myself. Read it if you want to, I don’t care. This is for me. Don’t fuck it up this time.