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[ajdenlovessushi]

[ajdenlovessushi]

Saturday, 19 March 2022

its 4 minutes to 12 am actually when i wrote this but i wanna wrote about today. i haven’t write anything here for quite sometime. its because i started journaling in a physical journal book. no matter how bad my writing is, no matter how i hate reading my own writings is. i started to enjoy doing it. so today, i’m closer than ever to my period. my boobs hurt for a few days now. i feel emotional and easily triggered, annoyed from such little things. i’m always aware that something like this would happened to me. every month, everytime period comes. 

that the demons just take control of me, and now because i’m woke (spiritual) more than ever. i want to stop this. control my emotions especially my anger by the cause of the hormones. i’m trying so hard, maybe this could take some time. i’m tired if i have to feel like shit everytime i’m on my period and the external factors in my life are weirdly supports it. like this, i have a pain-body right now. today. and it cause physical pain in my body but also activates whats in my mind. and people’s behavior around me is... with or without my perspective other people could see that they acting up towards me.

and that causes more pain. it hurts my ego, triggers my ego so it cant shut up for the whole day. my mind is in dysfunctional mode not like what i usually do when i listen to my higher self, follow my higher self and everythings feels like its all alright. ok lets skip to mf point. i’m seeing this girl right. its already a year. yet i still have a connection with her. i know i love her. this morning she was being ungrateful like she used to (its not her first time) and instantly i feel like fucking shit in the morning that i had archived her chat this morning. but end up replying faster in the afternoon. after we chatted briefly, she said that so was going out and told me have a nice day. 

i just knew at that moment she went out with another girl which is fine actually cause we talked about this like a hundred times this shouldn’t be a mf problem but my ego cared so much. my ego hurt so much. so much it causes heartache, my pain-body which is already there. felt more pain and pain. so is the mind, its suffering. she didn’t posted anything on ig, if she went out with her friends she would posted a story. so thats the answer right there. and she didn’t texted me at all since the last text until now. and my ego keep on saying things like “it means she had a great time with the girl, or they could be fucking in a hotel rn spend the night like u would used to with her. u know her lah”

thats how fucked up the ego is. i’m literally smh rn. but deep down i know better. cause she’s a human being with her own free will. and i know my feelings are real for her i know i cared about her so much. and just wanted the best things for her and i just want her to be fucking happy. thats what real love supposed to be its supposed to be freeing. the feeling was supposed to be freeing. not from controlling, forcing, anything that comes from fear. i know i’m not dependent on her. and i know i can live just fine without her. i don’t wanna go down that road again. this time it should be different. cause i know better now. i choose to protect my own energy, i choose to take care of my feelings my emotions, i choose to create my own happiness from within, i choose to become someone i can love. i choose myself always from now on. 

i’m already grateful for my life as it is has been. it’s great. not more not much. i can’t be like i used to anymore (when i “love” someone). its growth, its change. god if ure reading this, please please help me re-center. not stopping for showing gratitude everyday, help me let go release all expectations all that there is to the external factors thats in my life. please help me to accept of what it is, and please help me to constantly appreciate my present moment. i need this. i discovered this. and i really need this. always guide me to the light ya allah. i love you. 

Amen.

[ajdenlovessushi]

bruh what did i say on my previous post

[ajdenlovessushi]

Sunday, 13 february 2022

idk where ill be or what will happen next year but i manifest i’ll be in a relationship with the person i’m in love now. hope we still be in the same fucking path. 

i love her and i hope it’ll stay that way for a long fucking time.

[ajdenlovessushi]

Self Reward

Self reward terbaik itu dengan memberikan hak tubuh untuk beristirahat. Biarkan ia menikmati jeda sekaligus menata ulang pikiran dan harapan.

Tidak melulu soal memuaskan kehendak pribadi. Apalagi menghabiskan sesuatu yang sudah dikumpulkan dengan tiada henti. Dirimu tak akan pernah puas jika mencari kebahagian dari angka-angka.

Lagi-lagi, pencapaian terbaik manusia bukan saat ia bisa memuaskan dirinya dengan segala keinginannya. Tapi saat bisa menahan dirinya dari keinginan yang tidak baik baginya dan orang lain disekitarnya.

[ajdenlovessushi]

Tuesday, 8 February 2022

lately i don’t know what i’m feeling, i dont know how to say it or to describe it. im sad or im just really in love with someone and it fucking hurts but not always in a bad way? in a good way kind of hurt if that make sense. 

im hanging in there. go with the flow with my daily life. but at the same time im just bored. so fucking bored. i felt stagnant. i feel like running away from home. like i couldn’t be at home i wanna go some where else but idk where. and also everybody’s got the virus out there now.

i dont wanna be sick but im already sick of my life i feel like and i need to be somewhere else. i dont know what im running from. definitely not from a specific person or my family but i just needed to get away yk. 

from the feeling of being bored, being stuck, stagnant. but where should i be? where should i go? im tired of feeling like this. i wanna get over this. but idk how. ive been patient long enough. i wanna run away and never come back i feel thats the solution.

[ajdenlovessushi]

Friday, 14 Jan 2022

it’s a new year. i haven’t wrote anything cause i’m lazy. i moved to bali, settled at my new place there. but just for 2 weeks and now i’m back in jakarta again bcs of something that i’m lazy to write down also lol. the point is i’m here, i’m healthy, i’m blessed, still got a family, still have a love interest, still got my job, i’m fine, i love it here. i love my life, everything’s chill. and i’m not stressing about when i finally get back to work again my body & mind just don’t want to stress it so thats great. i’m great, i’m filled with gratitude. 

thank you god.

[ajdenlovessushi]

Fernando Pessoa // Franz Kafka

[ajdenlovessushi]

I had this little mindshift the other day and decided to write this poem.

I think it holds true to other aspects of life as well. It might also be better to stop looking for the meaning of life and start choosing it.

[ajdenlovessushi]

V

i don’t know what’s going on with us, what we’re doing, where we going. but i know my intentions are always good and pure to her. and i know i care about her. so much. and i think, deeply i love her? even though sometimes i question myself is it going to be worth it? but at the end of the day when i look at her, i want to go through anything with her. she’s not something i want to give up easily. i just know that we’re in the right path. and we’re meant to cross path. i even thought she was my soulmate once. well i still believe that. she’s different. she’s not going to be one of those who comes and goes (hopefully). for the first time i had a very deep connection with someone, its her. i don’t even know if its possible, but it is. we connect emotionally, intellectually, and telepathically. its crazy but amazing. again i don’t even know i could be like this with someone. i’ve seen every parts of her. from the worst, to the better version of her. only in 8/9 months. my intuition or gut telling me that it is bound to happen. like we we’re meant for each other? maybe its cliche but i want to always open my heart for her. for us to happen. i don’t put any expectation on her. with the experience i had and the lesson i learned. no expectations needed. i just want to see where this is going. trust in time. and just let it flow with her. what i have with her is so different from what i had with others. what we’ve been doing its different and new. i’m not afraid about anything with her i wanna be open and let it flow with her. we are each others medicine. i met her in 2020. talked very briefly for like just a day. she was a hot girl that i knew was outta my league, too good to be true and very unreachable at the time. but then when i was so heartbroken in march 2021, i texted her and turns out she was what i needed. she was the help that i needed. she helped me change and move forward. and now i help her. i helped her go through hard times and changes too. i simply just wanna be there for her. and i don’t mind at all like i want to be there for her without expectations or doubts. i just let things be with her. i can be a lot of things for her. a best friend, a lover, a sneaky link lol. and i felt good about it. because i don’t want anything in return from her. which is really weird but it felt good. i can see myself being in a healthy relationship with her. i can see myself being with her for a long time. i just genuinely care about her. i just want her to be happy, that’s what i feel. she made me feel i can be independent with myself. she made me feel fine with being alone and not being dependent on her. she  taught me a lot. even about myself. she’s the first person who saw me as a smart girl when all this time i thought i’m not. she made me felt good about myself just by acknowledging that. she made me realize so much great things about myself. she appreciate me, i appreciate her. she so much more than a lover idk how thats possible. i talked and discussed about everything with her. every conversation i had with her are always deep and meaningful. she made me look at the world differently (but in a good way ofc) and made me be more open minded than before. she always showed me respect from the beginning. she respect my thoughts and my beliefs. she respect me from when she was her old self who was narcissistic, egoistic to the new and improved spiritual self. she’s amazing and i wanna protect her from everything from anything that could hurt her. i don’t see myself with someone else but her. i don’t want to look for other girls but her. i just want her. whatever it is as long its with her i’m in. and this is the brain and the heart speaking, in the same language. they both want this. and again, i just want to simply always open my heart for this connection with her and surrender to trust god with what i have with her. i’m blessed ya Allah for you getting her into my life. i surrender to you ya Allah for this connection that i have with her. 

you’re special V, i hope you always know that.

[ajdenlovessushi]

Friday, 10 Dec 2021

drank coffee at night today, so i haven’t fall asleep yet like i used to. and for the first time in a long time i had the longest nap at noon. 

just a few minutes for tomorrow to come. 

still in my ‘don’t know’ phase. but blessed. and really wanna do right by things. by people. special person. my family. i love them. and i always will.

there’s gonna be a lot going on this month. i’m turning 25 (hopefully i still have a lot of time in this world) i’m getting scared so many sudden deaths around me so many people lost they’re loved ones this year. reminded me how much i’m scared of death. i’m not ready. i don’t think i ever will.

i need god, or ill go crazy being like this. anyways other things going on this month is i’m moving back to bali. hope all goes well. hope more blessings and success comes when i’m there. 

thank you god for everything in my life, now i’m here. i wanna be present. i’m going to try my best. and express gratitude everyday. 

Amen

[ajdenlovessushi]

Just a little thought about life and the passage of time.

This is an excerpt from an old poem of mine. I'm actually struggling to write new stuff lately but I believe it's also part of the process of writing so it's all good.

New poems will come soon.

[ajdenlovessushi]

“attach compassion and softness to your mistakes. being hard on yourself won’t smoothen your rough edges.”

— iambrillyant

[ajdenlovessushi]

i saw this post twice, from instagram too. under one minute. is it a sign or sum?

I want to be alone with someone else who wants to be alone.

k.b. // by dimitri zaik

[ajdenlovessushi]

Thursday, 2 Dec 2021

hearts achin all afternoon for no reason. not my first time, its always like this. lately i don’t know what to feel anymore. not numb, i still feel my feelings my emotions. simply “don’t know” towards everything. 

i know i’m fine, i know i will be okay. there’s literally nothing that i should be worry about (except financially). and as for love, thats a big question mark. i know i already had a connection with this one girl, a connection so deep and meaningful i never had with other girls. 

but i don’t know if i love her enough? idk i always wanna prepare if we have to part or when she leaves. there’s a part of me feels that what we had is too good to be true. i’m grateful still for meeting her in this lifetime. whatever happens with us. hope its healthy. friends or not, lovers or not. 

[ajdenlovessushi]

DL

i fucking hate every song, every little thing that reminded me of her. i’m weak, i’m always weak when it comes to her. i don’t know why. i felt it. i moved on. but sometimes, she’s just there. popped out outta nowhere. i don’t know why i still have this anger over her. 

i’m not holding grudge, no. i want peace. i always wanted peace before and after her. but it still feels like if she didn’t feel or went through like what i did, i’m not happy. i’m not happy with the life she live right now, just went on being in love with someone else after what me and her been thru. 

i fucking hate feeling or to be seen as a victim in this fucking story i had with her. i don’t want her back. she’s not the person i was in love now. and so do i, i’m not the same person as before when i fell in love with her. but it still feel like an unfinished business. even though our story is finito. 

and i let that shit go, i really did. but not entirely i guess? what matters is i don’t have feelings for her anymore. i shouldn’t feel so much love for someone whose never sure about me, who can’t accept me for who i am, who want me to change for her. she was a lesson, the biggest lesson in my life so that i’m wiser in life and then i did. 

i don’t hate her, i don’t want to. i also don’t blame her for everything that has happened between us. at all. it was bound to happen, we were bound to happen cause of life you know? but seeing and knowing her life now with her best friends, just didn’t sit right with me. i even envied her best friend. just have this feeling that i don’t like them. i don’t know why...

i will keep trying, always, everyday, to release this negative energy i have on her and the people around her. i have to, i need to. i’m a new and improve person now... would be embarrassing if i look like i still give a shit about them. 

maybe that’s my ego talking. but yeah i just wanna release anything i have for her and then just forget about her like a complete memory loss. harsh? well i already accept the fact that i was in love with her for 7 months to became strangers again. at least i learned a lesson from it, made me the person i am today. proud.

it’s not like she’s the first girl i fell in love with that end up to be a strangers again. i’m used to that. didn’t made me lose hope though. it’s only just a beginning for me.

deleted her number today, cause i saw a meme on twitter. shortly after, my heart felt like a unusual aching then i cried a lil bit. idk if its for her or sum else cause i’m already scrambled enough being in some girl’s bed next to her with this feelings i had for this girl who i used her laptop to write this :) 

anyways deleting her number feels like a new beginning for me. cheers to me releasing and also erasing her entirely from my life. amen. 

[ajdenlovessushi]

To love and lose and still be kind.

Warsan Shire (via surqrised)