aiyumi64

[aiyumi64]

gonna stop doing giant rant posts bcs those are... a bit pitiful, ai think

gonna um.. try to actually have like, y'know, a life again, and maybe have (do?) stuff to, well, make posts about n' things.. so yeah.

[aiyumi64]

whartup

new name new me same old post schedule (never)

thought about but decided againt deleting like every old post bcs where's the fun in that

anyway wooo maybe tryin to use tumblr more bcs yes

oh and look at this thing ai drew

almost mildly pleased with it (accomplishment)

[aiyumi64]

I had to log back in to share this shit because I honestly still cannot believe I'm not hallucinating.

Not pictured (game crash) I obtained Rosmontis on roll 32

I obtained Texas The Omertosa on roll 33

Just minutes ago, on roll 39:

what is happening please I'm scared

the way my luck works I'm 200% dying in a car accident sometime soon

or more likely getting struck by lighting

[aiyumi64]

"I'm going to finally do that thing today!!"

– a fool, about to spend 3 hours longingly daydreaming before rewatching the entire SimpleFlips green demon series in one sitting

[aiyumi64]

i also think it's bad when very rich famous people (looking at you, ana de armas/lily james/lupita nyong'o) take jobs promoting "natural diamonds" for de beers fyi. i think that once you get to a certain income threshold you do actually have some ethical duty to consider the brand partnerships you agree to and blah blah blah no ethical consumption but when it's something as cartoonishly awful as promoting tourism to regions where homsexuality is punishable by the death penalty or whitewashing the diamond trade by promoting it as something that "empowers women globally" then yeah you become uh. how do you say. morally culpable for those choices

[aiyumi64]

theres a little animal with a wiggly nose and it looks like this

[aiyumi64]

i do not have the strength to block all the bots. welcome ladies make yourselves at home i guess. im a feminist

[aiyumi64]

you ever skip into that mood? that one where nothing seems real anymore, where you don't know where you're going, don't feel like you should go anywhere. that the weight of moving forward seems so insurmountable, so unimaginably unconquerable that you can't even comprehend it, aren't even willing to try, wishing that you could instead just, exist. forever in this state of now. in this serene void of reality between the no-longer of the past and not-yet of the future, letting the waves of this sort of, "now-ness" wash over you, sweeping away the burdens of the past, and the anticipated weights the future holds before you, ready to unmercifully thrust upon your shoulders. this temptation, this wish, to just exist here, forever, between the wholeness of life, and drift away, without a care, without a worry or responsibility. to just exist, and while not content with merely existing, no longer be averse to it.

not a void, then, but an oasis, perhaps?

nay; for its pools overflow with not water, but poison. so sweet and alluring, smelling of the sweetest of honeys and shining with the brilliance of the stars, it beckons; promising easy days free of the burdens of living, of the pain of existing in such this way, it attempts to pull you in deeper. deeper, deeper, 'til its surface can scarce be seen any longer. one may not notice it, for oh how sweet it begins, being free of all that once made your body ache so, and your mind cloud with worry and hate. but soon it becomes sour. once a place so freeing and calm becomes a prison. an endless cycle of mundanity and monotony that try as you might cannot seem to be climbed out of. day in, day out, attempting to tear and claw your way back to the surface, only to end, exhausted, before you could truly begin... cursing yourself for being so weak. for being so foolish as to be stuck here at all. for being so unlucky to exist as you are; calling yourself "coward" and other such unfitting things, when you reject with a passion the notion merely hiding it away again, denying your very existence in favor of escape from this place, and "fitting in" once more. at least you wouldn't be stuck here, anymore. merely existing, for the sake of existing. with no purpose, no passion, no self... no, I suppose that one is not true, such a steong sense of self is why I am here in the first place.

I'm afraid that yes, despite my efforts, I am still stuck here, the surface now so tantalizingly, and terrifyingly, close. but to breach that barrier, to extend that hand and finally break free, seems almost impossible a task. the weight of existence feels so heavy, the way I've imagined it. what if I find myself unable to lift it at all? worse yet, to hurt myself further while trying to do so? is it really so bad, to exist so close to the outside, from in here? where its so safe, and familiar, and unchanging?

yes, I suppose. and yet still I cannot break free. fear winning over in this endless indecisiveness, this weighing of options and outcomes that exist only in this troubled mind, keeping me here, so close but yet oh so far. the reality of my awareness of the entire thing, and my place in it, and my ability to change it but inability to act on it a point of frustration that lends only to drag it on further...

I know that one day I will leave this place, and finally be free of these mental shackles, this dangerous thought of existence for existing and a life of no meaning and no change, constructed only to avoid some anticipated pain or failure. but how do we know such things will even come? and even so, are not pain and failure part of what it means to be human? the conduits through which we learn, and grow and change, and become stronger?

Yes. soon I will be free again, a new _____. and though it still scares me now, and may do even then, even so I want to continue on. to claw for myself even a small place, out there, that is not but a compromise or coping mechanism. a place of true existence, of purposeful life.

of happiness

[aiyumi64]

i zoned out a few years ago and never zoned back in

[aiyumi64]

trains are to engineering as crabs are to biology. on a long enough timescale, if you optimize almost any system enough, you eventually get some form of either a train or a crab

[aiyumi64]

[aiyumi64]

[aiyumi64]

the squad!!!

[aiyumi64]

[aiyumi64]

Ever since then, her sleep's become unusually light. She confirms the rustle of every blade of grass, every sound on the pavement, one by one. She's scared. Scared of her own negligence, of allowing another crisis to befall a comrade. She's long since been unable to sleep soundly, even aboard Rhodes Island. And the reward she most hopes for at the end of a hard day's work has changed too, from a neverending dream, to a simple breather on a bench. This, for her and her alone, is the price of maturity.

[aiyumi64]

okay so I like ig I sent this and then immediately logged off for like a week and didn't even notice how badly I fucked up with the typing. I'm leaving it because it's funny

the gay just overtook me and I was unable to type

Oh yeah and I wpuld appriciatebhelp finding more Kuro × Nanaka fanart please

they're too perfect

[aiyumi64]

Important information regarding characters that I possess

I would be in the (surprisingly common) 172 club

Akafuyu was a surprise

Kal'tsit was barely too short to make the cut :(