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I'm gonna say it. BabylonBee is better than the Onion.

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Makoto Kobayashi

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I miss when I would get Tumblr asks that actually said things and weren't just digital panhandling scams.

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[x]

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Your pet fish is hereby declared a traitor and will be summarily executed for its crimes against the Federation.

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Hostile

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Frosslass is pretty cool.

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Robcina Week Day 2: Robin/Lucina's Sacrifice

"So it's settled?" Lucina asked as Robin sat on across from her at the table.

He broke into a grin. "Absolutely!" Lucina smiled right back. "Two months in Valm for vacation! Chrom has everything handled here, and Empress Say'ri says she's excited to have us back. Can't believe it's been five years already!"

"Where does the time go?" Lucina mused aloud. She reached across to take her husband's hand. "And the kids will be excited to go too. They've been to Regna Ferox plenty, but Valm is going to be a whole new experience for them."

"We'll have to keep a close eye on them. They're likely become the terror from the east, just like they're the terror of the south." Robin's eyes twinkled mischievously. He'd heard from Khan Flavia that apparently the twins many exploits and mayhem had become quite popular children's stories amongst the Feroxi people.

"We'll behave ourselves!"

"Yeah, we promise!"

At that moment, Morgan and Marc appeared from the kitchen, having washed up and each carrying a tray with bowls in front of them.

"I'm holding you two to that." He ruffled his daughters hair as she sat next to him and Marc sat beside his mother. "I don't want this visit to Valm to be our last."

"Come on dad, we're not kids anymore!" Marc chided with a smile.

Morgan turned towards Robin. "Will time-travel me be coming along?"

"She's already in western Plegia, waiting for us."

Lucina smiled, eager to see her daughter from a different future. "You're going to learn some new things before we go to Chron'sin. Lesson number one: chopsticks." Lucina picked up a pair from the bowl. "Hold them like this - under your finger, like so - and use it to grab your ramen like this." She held her own chopsticks and expertly picked up the ramen from her bowl and slurped the noodles down. She panted as the near boiling water almost scalded her tongue, and her family laughed.

Marc followed his mothers guidance and after a few attempts was able to get the noodles and slurp them down as well. "Wow, this is really good!"

"It's nothing compared to the real thing." Robin said as he slurped. "Trust me, genuine Chron'sin cuisine is amazing. It won't be easy to go back to our Ylissean diet when we get back."

As they ate, Morgan and Marc pestered their parents with questions about Valm and Chron'sin, talking about traditional style garb and festivals and Empress Say'ri.

Then, the air went as cold as death.

The hairs on the backs of the families neck stood up, but Lucina wasn't even able to rise to her feet at the sudden feeling of dread that overwhelmed her before a magical explosion tore through the manor.

"Well, well, well..." An inhumanly deep voice echoed around them.

Coughing and disoriented, Lucina reached for her children, finding her sons arm while Robin found Morgan's. "What just..."

There was an inhuman screech, and as they stood up, taking defensive stances around their children, Risen appeared from nowhere. "What!? How!?" Robin cried.

"Run, kids!" Lucina screamed, eyes wide in panic.

But they were surrounded and there was nowhere to go. There were at least thirty Risen in the ruins of their home, and they were unarmed. Morgan and Marc, having never been in a real battle, stood numb with fear behind their parents.

"If it isn't my worthless vessel."

The color drained from Robin's face. "N-No..."

Grima walked through the cloud of dust that had yet to settle around them, an evil grin on his face. "And with my offspring no less! I hadn't given it much thought, but a couple of tools to be mind controlled could prove useful... I'll have to make a note of it..."

"Bastard!" Lucina screamed, guarding Marc with her body. "How are you here!?"

The Fell Dragon laughed, long and loud and echoing with such force it felt as if the ground was shaking. "Naga thought to thwart me by sending help from another world. But it didn't work." He narrowed his glowing eyes at Lucina. "I'm from an Outrealm, one where you failed to stop me. Your friends all died, and the Fire Emblem is mine! With all five gemstones, my power has increased a hundred fold!"

Hatred for the monster kept Lucina on her feet, but it barely beat out the shock. Grima had travelled from another world, one where he'd succeeded? It couldn't be!

"Get back!" Robin roared. "I killed you once before, and I will do so again!"

"With what power? The Fellblood within you has been removed, no doubt by Naga's influence. But it lowers you to the status of mortal, and even the Exalts couldn't stop me!" He laughed again, raising his fist enwreathed in dark energy. "I killed your best friend, and your wife. I relish the opportunity to do so again."

Robin ran forward, desperate to protect his children, but years of peace meant he wasn't as fast as he once was. The dark energy struck him and brought him to his knees. Grima grabbed him by his coat and lifted him to his feet. "Look at me." He commanded. Robin spat in his face. Lifting his other hand, he wrapped it around Robin's throat, who began thrashing as he was choked, kicking and punching in an attempt to get out of Grima's grasp. With a sickening snap, Robin's body went limp in Grima's grasp.

"Father!" Morgan let out a blood curdling scream and tried to run forward, but Lucina caught her.

"Don't! Get behind me!" Lucina was barely able to catch her daughter and stop her in time. Marc wrapped his arms around his younger sister, tears falling from both of their eyes as Grima dropped Robin's dead body to the ground.

"What? No proclamations about changing fate? Tell me now how hope will never die, when your husband's dead body lies in front of you!" Grima taunted as he approached.

Lucina cast her eyes left and right, but there was no way out. The Risen would stop them before they got too far. "I need Falchion!"

She cried out as a sharp pain erupted from her stomach. She looked down to see a steel sword buried halfway into her, and her only thought was that she hoped it hadn't pierced her children behind her. She coughed up blood, and then her mouth opened in a silent cry as Grima forcefully drew the blade up her sternum, cutting even deeper before freeing the blade with a sickening squelch.

She fell down, her last words as she looked at her children being, "Get... Away..." Then the light left her eyes.

"Leave us alone!" Marc yelled, trying to tackle the Fell Dragon as he took a step towards him and sister, but he lacked the strength to accomplish anything and Grima tossed him aside like a doll. Two Risen came forward and held him back as he screamed, "Run, Morgan!"

But the young girl was frozen in panic.

Both her parents were dead, and she was going to be next.

"Wh-Who are you?" She asked in a panicked, high pitched voice.

"I am the wings of despair and the breath of ruin. I am the Fell Dragon, Grima." He grabbed Morgan's cloak, a hand-me-down from her father, and lifted her with one hand as though she were light as a feather. He tilted his head as he looked over the girl, then glanced at Marc. "Hmm..."

"Don't, please! We'll do anything!" Marc cried as he tried to wrestle out of the Risen's grasp. "Morgan!"

But she couldn't stop looking at the murderer in front of her. "Why do you look like my father?" She asked.

Grima chuckled. "Your father's fate was to be my vessel. He is the heart, and he belongs to me now. We're one and the same." Morgan didn't know what he meant or what he was talking about, but a prideful anger she'd inherited from Lucina swelled in her chest.

"You're not my father!" She screamed and struggled, finally finding the mind to try and get away from him. "He would never do these things!"

"He wouldn't." Grima agreed calmly. "But I would. And I have plans for you two." He lifted his other hand to her head, and she screamed as she felt dark magic forcing its way into her body. "If Naga wants to bring warriors from the Outrealms to interfere with my rule, I will do the same!"

"Let her go!" Marc screamed as he watched his sister disappear in a flash of dark energy. "No! Where is she!? What did you do!?"

"You'll never see her again." Grima snarled down at him. "As for you..."

Marc's eyes widened as Grima reached for him.

~!~

As Morgan fell through time and space, she could feel Grima's influence trying to overwhelm her mind, twist her very soul into something it wasn't.

"Father... That wasn't you..."

She thought as darkness engulfed her.

"You're a better man than that... You would never do anything to hurt mother..."

She wanted to sob as the last image of her parents flashed through her mind, dead in the rubble of their home.

"I want to forget... I don't want to remember anything that happened... This is a nightmare... Please, someone wake me up!"

A flash of six red orbs appeared in her mind, and she screamed into the void.

"Father!"

~!~

When Morgan awoke, she was laying on her back in a field.

She sat up slowly, rubbing her head. She had the mother of all headaches, but couldn't figure out why. For a moment, it felt like a dark presence was in her mind, but it disappeared as soon as it came and she took in her surroundings.

"Where am I?" She asked aloud. "And... What's going on?"

Nothing looked familiar to her. Wasn't she at home? Had she wondered into the woods again and taken a nap in a field somewhere?

Then, panic gripped her chest.

"I-I can't remember anything!" She thought as she stood up alarmed. "Where's home!? Where's my mom!? Dad!?" Her head suddenly erupted in pain as images of Robin flashed behind closed eyes. Images of him chasing her around the house when she was young, teaching her how to cook, praising her when she had cast her first magic spell, telling her she couldn't date until she'd moved out, falling asleep in his arms on their couch as he went on and on about tactics... But nothing else came to mind. "Who's my mother?" She thought as tears welled up. "Why can't I remember? What happened?"

Then, an inhuman scream sounded from somewhere behind her, and she heard twigs snap and grass get trampled as a large group of something started closing in on her at alarming speed. She started running, and as she looked around saw a crumbling structure on the horizon.

"Help! Someone help!"

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Thanks, Anon!

-submit your poll!-

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colette, chosen of sylvarant

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Happy Birthday Lucina!

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Typhlosion jokes died in about 15s.

Fandom Problem #8405:

There was a huge leak for Pokemon recently, their worst leak ever, and part of the leak included writing exercises where the creators took existing myths and replaced some of the characters with pokemon. Obviously these stories were meant to just be brainstorming, and none of them ever made it into canon for that and other reasons, including that humans and pokemon were having sex with each other (yeah). Obviously it was just never going to happen. That wasn't the intention. But now people won't shut up about how everyone at the company is a huge pervert and "wanted to put grooming propaganda" into the games, and I'm begging for mercy at this point. Just shut up.

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i bet count von count has killer fuckin music taste