this is like a private diary but im kind of a ditz, so
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If you don't want to do it to me, maybe stop shaming me for going out and getting it
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So turns out it actually *has* been disgusting and vile this whole time
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I'm sitting with the hurt of a near-stranger leaving the world. They only ever said 20 or so words to me. I think: if I feel like this now, what's it going to be like when HM dies?
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I don't think I even miss her, i just feel guilty for leaving her
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Just a selfish little slut that doesn't want to lose another friend to suicide
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Actually just kill me
It is never going to be able to keep its shit together for long so why not just cut to the fucking chase already
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(runs in out of breath at the last second) (slams paper down) "What if Hatsune Miku was a Dragon-type Trainer" by Me
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Kindness full of hunger
But what it craves is to be good to her
Is that hunger still too hurtful
(it is a greedy bitch)
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Clarity. She knows i have/have had/have feelings for her. We both know she won't ever return them. I got to hold her while she wept, like i wanted. Her skin is so soft. I think im best at comforting when im just a body. Listen, hold, be held, don't talk, don't try to fix. But you feel like you have to say something.
As I thought we were about to go downstairs she pulled me back towards her. I held her head in my chest, stroking the back of it, trying to reassure with words and voice while she wept and apologized. I liked it too much, liked it like that. Had to keep beating down the thought of "mine," feeling ashamed. Not mine, never mine, not even in play.
And then we hung out, talked vampires, and it was fun. God help me, i didn't want to leave. I'm not ready to stop holding her. I want to see how badly it hurts me to keep her bed warm. Knowing i can't be the thing she needs. Fuck me, am i ever a greedy bitch. I need more. I already need to be close to her again.
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Filled with an unhinged desire to buy clove cigarettes for a woman who will torment me with knives and call me angel
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