aimingatnothing - Tumblr blog

[aimingatnothing]

Burn me

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I am so worried she's not going to make it

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I'm sitting with the hurt of a near-stranger leaving the world. They only ever said 20 or so words to me. I think: if I feel like this now, what's it going to be like when HM dies?

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I don't think I even miss her, i just feel guilty for leaving her

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"Domina" just means longing

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Incoherent and strange and so, so greedy

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Moloch

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Just a selfish little slut that doesn't want to lose another friend to suicide

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Actually just kill me

It is never going to be able to keep its shit together for long so why not just cut to the fucking chase already

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(runs in out of breath at the last second) (slams paper down) "What if Hatsune Miku was a Dragon-type Trainer" by Me

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Kindness full of hunger

But what it craves is to be good to her

Is that hunger still too hurtful

(it is a greedy bitch)

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Clarity. She knows i have/have had/have feelings for her. We both know she won't ever return them. I got to hold her while she wept, like i wanted. Her skin is so soft. I think im best at comforting when im just a body. Listen, hold, be held, don't talk, don't try to fix. But you feel like you have to say something.

As I thought we were about to go downstairs she pulled me back towards her. I held her head in my chest, stroking the back of it, trying to reassure with words and voice while she wept and apologized. I liked it too much, liked it like that. Had to keep beating down the thought of "mine," feeling ashamed. Not mine, never mine, not even in play.

And then we hung out, talked vampires, and it was fun. God help me, i didn't want to leave. I'm not ready to stop holding her. I want to see how badly it hurts me to keep her bed warm. Knowing i can't be the thing she needs. Fuck me, am i ever a greedy bitch. I need more. I already need to be close to her again.

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Unreal

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Filled with an unhinged desire to buy clove cigarettes for a woman who will torment me with knives and call me angel

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Ahahaha Princess ended up moving to the UK. The wait was, in fact, forever. I'm mostly over it. Like. I don't think I cried at all once they were actually gone. We had a nice phone call recently! I just like. Don't know if I feel like we're actually still dating. They don't have much energy to spare which is like, fair. I think the hard readjustment to expectations has been helpful for me, emotionally. I can't kiss her across the ocean, so eventually a doll forgets how badly it needed her kisses. Maybe i should ask if we can be friends instead of girlfriends.

Im kind of rambling here. I just wanted to say that it hurt that we dated for over a year and had sex exactly once. And we never got to have sex where it was just the two of us. Idk. I feel guilty for the fact that that hurt.

Doesn't it make me an asshole that I'm hurting for more physical affection from my girlfriend, given the reason we haven't been touching more is that she keeps getting caught in crisis after crisis?

I hate that I'm doing the thing again. You know, the thing where I'm genuinely and sincerely just craving cuddles. But I know that like five minutes into that cuddle, I'm gonna want more. The enormity of my desire disgusts me, etc. But seriously, isn't this sleazy of me? Their life keeps falling apart and I just can't let go of how hungry for her I am. Like, please, doll. Just the barest modicum, of restraint here.

Typing this out I am feeling normaller and calmer. Unfortunately, part of me wonders if I'm not overcompensating to the point of seeming cold. God knows I want Domina to be hungry and selfish for me. I don't think I can assume similarity here, though. Princess has a bunch of traumatic experiences that I don't. I can't know what's too far without communicating. I think mostly I'm frustrated because I know that now is very much not the time to ask. My time-blind, impatient ass parses that as needing to wait forever, but honestly the wait is probably gonna be a week, tops.

Thanks for the help, diary. I feel better having talked with you.

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Wish I had more to offer than hunger

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I am *completely normal* when I see dogs being trained, I don't envy them *at all*