agentsandbutterflies - Tumblr blog

agentsandbutterflies · 1 year ago

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look behind (i trust that she is there)

So there was this poll on tumblr a while back and something you might know or not about me, is that i absolutely love the eurydice&orpheus myth, so of course that poll was great to me. And then it came back on my dash with added tags and comment and well... I couldn't help myself. I wanted to write it. And try to give it the same impact as the results from the polls.

I don't know if i succeeded, but i loved writing it anyway. hopefully, you will enjoy reading it

I would like to thank @honey-bee-britt @solrosan @insanereddragon and @oggalahad for the cheerleading and just listening to me losing my mind about this as i was writing

Also a big thank you to @artknifeandglue because it was great to know at least one person outside of my friend group was interested in reading the whole thing once it was done

If you all want to know what i listened to on repeat while writing this, go give a listen to It's Never Over (Hey Orpheus) by Arcade Fire.

look behind (i trust that she is there)

(also here on AO3)

Eggsy feels himself turn without meaning to.

(lies.)

He has faith, he really, really does. He truly trusts that she is behind him.

(lies again. he doubts. he is weak.)

But like almost everything he did in life, he’s fucking it up again. Even the best thing that ever happened to him, becoming a Kingsman Knight, he very nearly messed that up entirely.

(lies, lies, lies. the best thing that ever happened, it was her friendship. he hasn’t messed that up. yet.)

Eggsy feels himself turn and scrunches his eyes close even if he knows it’s already too late.

He’s failed already.

He turned to look behind.

His one chance and he messed it up.

She would be so mad at him.

(lies. she would understand. she’s his best mate. she would forgive him instantly.)

He’s so angry at himself.

He shakes his head, eyes still closed, because no.

No.

It can’t end this way.

If there is one thing he has always been good at, it is stubbornness.

It can’t be too late.

He turned, but he didn't look.

There is still a chance.

She deserves his best.

If it comes to it, he’s willing to stay here until the end of time until he gets it right.

Eggsy simply refuses to give up.

(and so the trial starts anew)

When Eggsy first heard the conditions that would allow them to leave the underworld, they had sounded underwhelmingly easy.

He had to trust that she was walking behind him? Of course he would. He had always trusted her with his back.

(it is others he does not trust with hers.)

Not looking back to check shouldn’t be too much of a hardship either.

Or so an idiot would think.

And Eggsy is guilty of many things, but being an idiot is not among those.

He’s fought too hard to survive over the years so he could get to where he stands today to believe that anything can truly be easy.

There has to be a catch somewhere. Everything worth doing has one.

(she is worth everything. she is worth more than he could ever aspire to be.)

And now, as he walks the path that will lead him out of the underworld again, he knows that he was right.

There is a catch.

He is the catch.

Eggsy trusts her more than he’s trusted anything in his life before.

He trusts her more than he trusts himself.

And so he doubts.

(he is weak.)

He believes that she is behind him.

The deal that has been struck is fair.

Even if he did turn-

No.

He didn’t look. He didn’t see.

He doesn’t know for certain that she walks behind him. That she ever was there in the first place.

He is starting all over again.

Maybe.

It could still be his first attempt for all that the path he follows never seems to change around him.

Maybe he did fail already.

Maybe this is punishment for his failure.

Forever walking alone in this purgatory, crippled with doubts-

No.

No, that wasn’t the deal.

He didn’t look. He didn’t see.

He keeps walking.

(he doubts.)

She has to be behind him. She has to.

Please.

He’s not above begging. Not when it comes to her.

He starts turning around to see if for once in his life his pleas have been answered but closes his eyes before the truth can be revealed.

That is not part of the deal.

He takes a deep breath to calm is racing heart.

It is not over.

(not yet.)

(and so it starts once more)

Self-confidence has always been easy for Eggsy. There has simply never been any other alternative.

Whatever he sets himself to do, he’ll succeed at.

Right until the point where he fucks up spectacularly and suffer the consequences of his failure.

But that’s the lot of anyone who isn’t born with a silver spoon up their arses.

Not that they can’t fail. They just rarely have to deal with the resulting consequences.

Take Harry Hart for example.

Eggsy doesn’t blame him for his father’s death. He doesn’t even blame Harry for not trying harder to help his mum, not when she had refused him once already. She might have changed her tune a few months later, but Eggsy rather doubts it. His mum can be just as stubborn as he is.

But that also means Harry isn’t the one who drew the short stick regarding Lee’s death.

And later, when Eggsy failed to become a Knight after Harry recruited him, well… Harry died.

Not that it stuck for long.

But all this to prove that, no matter how much Eggsy loves his mentor, some people are unburdened with the consequences of their decisions.

Further evidence to this point is how, unlike Eggsy, Harry hasn’t lost his best mate during their show-off against Poppy. Not that Merlin has come out of his meeting with a mine unscathed, but at least he is still there to snark at Harry.

Eggsy hasn’t been so lucky.

Even the version of Roxy he keeps in his mind since he met her has been rather silent since he learned the manor exploded while she was still inside.

But he’s going to fix this.

(if he can fake it for long enough.)

He’s confident he can.

(lies. lies. lies.)

Roxy is counting on him and he’s not going to fail her.

He trusts that she is there, following after him. After all, she always has been smarter than him. She would know he’s her best bet out of here.

(he thinks he is.)

(right?)

He bites down on his lower lip hard as he feels his body turn back and keeps his eyes shut through the pain.

No.

He’s not given up.

Not ever.

(and it starts again)

Eggsy keeps on walking the path leading out of the underworld.

It’s not like he could do anything else.

Not when the alternative is giving up.

That’s not something he’s ever been good at.

(lies. oh how much he lies to himself even to this day.)

So he walks.

Because it is the only thing he can do.

Because he doesn’t want to give up.

Because he’s not ready to let go.

(that is what he is really good at. not letting go. this is why he carries so much anger. he clings and clings and clings. even after it’s already too late. and it is always easier to be angry at how empty his hands are than to acknowledge the hurt and loneliness.)

(the despair.)

He wishes he could reach behind and clasp her hand in his.

But that is not the deal.

The deal is about trust.

Trust that she is there.

(oh how much he doubts.)

Trust that he is doing the right thing.

(there has never been any doubt about that.)

(the truth.)

Trust in her.

(always.)

In himself.

(he is weak.)

So what if he cannot see her shadow next to his on the wall? He’s not seen anything that would explain the warm eerie glow by which he’s been travelling. Who is he to pretend knowing the laws that governs anything in the underworld?

He’s only passing through this realm, an intruder on a mission.

That’s a feeling he’s intimately familiar with.

That lack of belonging.

It has been easier to ignore since he met her. Since he started borrowing some of the inner strength she had always seem happy to share with him.

Eggsy could use some of that now.

His body starts to turn like a flower towards the sun.

He closes his eyes before he can catch a glimpse, before he can be blinded by the knowledge of who stands behind him or not.

No.

It’s not over yet.

(and starts again)

The worse part of it all, is the deafening silence around him.

Eggsy strains to hear anything, any sounds that doesn’t come from his own disruption of the underworld.

Even his own presence is barely audible, his footsteps not making any echo and his suit barely rustling around his body.

He could come to doubt his very own existence if it wasn’t for his pounding heartbeat in his ears.

He wonders if it is the same for her.

Wonders if she has a heartbeat at all.

(she does not.)

(he hasn’t succeeded yet.)

(she is still d-)

Has she noticed its absence?

Probably.

Of the two, she always was the more observant.

She can probably hear his own thundering heartbeat from where she stands behind him.

(if she is behind him.)

Maybe this is part of it. One that went unmentioned, but nonetheless important.

Perhaps even essential.

A reminder to her of what it is to be flesh and blood.

Something to inspire in her a yearning for what she lost.

The reminder of what it is to be alive.

(of that, he is not the best example.)

He hopes he is enough.

He has to be.

Please.

Let her be behind him.

Let his trust in that not be in vain.

Please.

(he trusts-)

(lies.)

(he tr-)

(lies.)

He pleads his own body so it won’t betray him.

So it does not to turn around.

She is there. He knows it to be true.

She has to be.

Unlike his footsteps, the sob he doesn’t muffle in time echoes around him when his body twists towards where she should be standing.

He keeps his eyes shut, not caring about how it precipitates the tears rolling down his cheek.

He didn’t look.

He didn’t see.

Eggsy hasn’t failed.

(and starts again)

Eggsy walks, gritting his teeth.

Wills himself to stop feeling sorry for himself.

This is not about him.

(lies.)

It’s about her.

(the truth.)

Eggsy’s life has never been fair. He’s made peace with that. Even now, with more privileges than he knows what to do with, he doesn’t expect much out of it.

But Roxy deserves better. That is a belief woven into the very fabric of his being. Suffusing him to the last of his atoms.

It doesn’t matter if he’s the only one who thinks so.

He’s fought and rave against the world for much less before.

For her, he would go even further.

(truth again.)

He wonders if she knows.

She must.

He’s never said it out loud, but when have they ever needed words between them?

(he should have told her anyway.)

When this is all over, he’ll make sure to tell her. Even if she thinks it’s unnecessary. It’s not. It’s the most important knowledge he’s ever hold within himself.

He could even tell her right now.

Why not?

What difference would it make?

After all, he trusts that she is there.

(lies.)

As he opens his mouth on her name, he feels himself turn to look behind.

He closes his eyes before he can see.

No.

This is not how he gives up.

(he never will.)

(and starts again-)

Maybe he is becoming mad.

Maybe he already is.

Already was.

He remembers vaguely a saying that insanity is about doing the same thing over and over and over again while expecting a different result.

Put in those words, insanity sounds a lot like hope.

And Eggsy… Eggsy is no stranger to hope.

It is why he has been angry for so long.

Why waste your time in anger if you do not carry even a seed of hope anymore?

It’s why he would always get up again after being beaten down and brought to new lows.

Because he was angry. Absolutely mad with it.

Because he dared to hope.

Is it any wonder then that he is still trying to discern her shadow on the wall?

He trusts that she is there.

(... maybe.)

Eggsy doesn’t think he’s ever fought a harder battle. His senses against his faith. What he sees against what he believes.

The sight of his lone shadow should not matter.

It isn’t part of the deal.

And the deal that has been struck is fair.

(but the world isn’t. not to him.)

With a growl of frustration, he stops walking.

He’s losing sight of what matters again.

She’s supposed to be his priority.

She is his priority.

But his momentum is lost and already, he feels himself turning-

His eyes shut so that he cannot see his own shadow anymore.

This is not how he fails.

(and again)

While they’d grown past the need for words to understand each other, it doesn’t mean they never talked.

In fact, it would have been rather sad to be best mates with someone and never exchange a word with them.

It just means that the silences between them were moments of peace shared.

It is nothing like the oppressing silence he has been forced into since accepting the deal.

(lies. it started well before that. since he learned what happened to her.)

He wonders what she would think of his current endeavour.

After dealing with Poppy and the direct aftermath of her actions, he hadn’t really stop to think. He had just known that she wasn’t at his sides and that it was wrong .

What is she telling him that he cannot hear?

If their roles had been reversed, if he had been the one following Roxy out of the underworld, he knows he wouldn’t have shut up the whole way.

Even if he had known she couldn’t hear him, he would have tried anyway.

There are no reasons why he wouldn’t want to. And he doesn’t want to imagine why she wouldn’t speak to him now.

Because he trusts that she is there.

(... probably.)

“Would you talk to me if you could?”

The words fall out of his mouth before he can stop them and he hates the sound of them, how they drip with doubt.

He doesn’t need to turn around to know she would be rolling her eyes at him in annoyance.

He doesn’t need to and yet he feels himself do so anyway.

Mouth open on an apology, he closes his eyes.

This is not part of the deal.

(and again )

Eggsy cannot stop thinking about it.

The deal is fair. The deal is simple.

(it is not easy.)

There is nothing that should stop them from talking.

So if there is nothing against it, why isn’t Roxy saying anything?

Maybe she thinks she is helping him.

If he heard her voice again, he doesn’t know if he could keep on looking forward.

The temptation to look at where she stands would be hard to resist.

(he is weak.)

But the deal is to not look back. Not until they walk out of the underworld.

Is there anything she could say that would make him look if it means failure?

(he is stubborn.)

He hasn’t given up yet. He never will.

If it means getting her back, he can be strong.

(not a lie.)

But what if she stays silent because she doesn’t have anything to tell him?

What if the real price to pay is the friendship they share?

Roxy would get her heartbeat back, but never speak a word to him again.

Could he do it?

(he is selfish.)

(he will do everything he can even if it means destroying himself in the process.)

He shakes his head.

This wasn’t the deal.

There are countless reasons why she wouldn’t have uttered a word. It’s not important.

(and yet-)

He doesn’t need the reassurance.

He doesn’t.

Eggsy feels himself turn to beg her to say something anyway.

He bites down on his tongue hard until he can taste the blood in his mouth, keeping his eyes shut the whole time.

Eggsy is stronger than this.

(is he?)

(and again-)

The thing is, even if Eggsy’s life hasn’t been easy, he’s reached a point where he wouldn’t change anything about it.

The good and the bad has made him into the man he is today.

A man he is proud to be. A man he can believe others are proud of.

(the truth.)

It’s Harry who had first set him on that path. Merlin too, in subtler ways that turned out to be just as important.

But it’s Roxy who kept him on the right track in the months since.

She is worth his best and more.

She never let him forget that he is worth the efforts just as much as she is.

She reminded Eggsy that he deserves his happiness.

(not the truth. not a lie.)

He is starting to understand why it has been such a challenge to imagine what she would be telling him as they travel the underworld.

It’s not his fault, not really.

(a lie.)

But it is becoming harder and harder for him to discern who she is from what she means to him.

And with that realisation, comes another fear.

Which version of her walks behind him?

What if it’s a lie?

Would he even care?

He turns around because just a glimpse of her it would let him know if it is truly her standing behind him or if is only a construct of his own mind.

Jaw clenched tight, he closes his eyes.

Now is not the time for doubts.

It is her.

That is the deal.

He wouldn’t have settled for anything less.

He trusts that she is there.

(not a lie.)

(and starts one more time)

He can’t tell anymore how long he’s been walking.

Days? Weeks?

(forever.)

(no time at all.)

It’s not enough to make him give up however.

As long as there is a chance, he will never stop.

A chance is all he’s ever needed.

It doesn’t matter if it takes all of eternity.

It’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make.

Roxy… Roxy probably wouldn’t agree with him on that one.

Not that she would try to stop him now that his mind is set. At least he doesn’t think so. But she would never ask him to do anything for her if the cost is his life.

It’s a good thing that this is not the deal that has been struck, so she has no reason to be angry with him.

(she will be anyway.)

Not when she would have done the same had their roles been reversed.

Roxy is usually more reasonable than he is, but if she had been offered the chance to lead Eggsy out of the underworld, after he had died so senselessly…

Eggsy would be the one getting angry at Roxy for her reckless behaviour.

It’s easier to be angry than it is to be afraid. To be worried.

Even if he’ll never regret taking the deal, he’ll have to apologize to her once they make it out of the underworld.

(if-)

(when-)

(even now he is angry. even now he hopes.)

Not because he shouldn’t have done it. This was always the right decision. He truly believes that.

But because he didn’t leave her with any other choice.

He trusts that she is there… But she’s probably very cross with him.

It makes no difference whether she had accepted her fate or not when he made the deal. It doesn’t change the fact that she had no voice in the matters.

That is the one thing he would change if he could go back in time.

He would ask that she be heard.

(would he listen?)

Even now, he wishes she would say something. Even if she is angry.

Or worse.

Even if she is indifferent.

He just wants to hear her voice again.

But the time for bargaining is long past.

A deal is already in place.

And Eggsy really should know better by now.

He should, but still his body starts to turn towards her. He closes his eyes before he can look behind.

It’s not the time for that yet.

(again)

A thought crosses his mind, unbidden.

This is a trial for her too.

It is about him as much as it is about her.

She wasn’t given a voice, but she was still given a choice.

To believe otherwise just shows how self-absorbed Eggsy can get when she isn’t there to slap some sense into him.

He trusts that she is there, but she doesn’t have to be.

It’s not easy for Eggsy to lead the way without looking back.

(he is weak. this is why it is hard.)

But having to follow after him without having a say in the matters must not be easy on her either.

(she is strong. this is why it is hard.)

She sees him, she has to.

But can she hear him?

Earlier, what seems like ages ago, he was convinced she could hear his heartbeat. How could it be otherwise when it is thundering loudly in his own ears?

But now he’s not so sure.

Without looking back, he has to believe that she is behind.

Without any other proof, she has to believe that he came to guide her out of the underworld.

How can either of them know that they aren’t being deceived? How can they be sure while they are also being kept isolated from each other?

The deal is about trust.

And real trust is a road connecting two hearts. A road that is travelled in both direction.

Roxy is strong. Stronger than Eggsy.

(that is how it always felt at least.)

But after being confronted with his own doubts, with his own flaws, Eggsy wonders what she must have been going through.

She is strong, but she is not without any weaknesses.

He’s always known that before.

It was just more convenient to forget for a time.

He shuts his eyes just as he starts turning so he can reassure her that she is not alone. That he is not giving up.

Not now, not ever.

He can’t see her, but she can see him.

He smiles briefly before taking a deep breath.

It’s time to show the world how stubborn he is.

(how stubborn she is.)

( again )

By now, Eggsy should rightfully be exhausted.

He’s certain he’s walked more than he ever did in his entire life.

But the walking isn’t the hard part. There is no effort required for putting a foot in front of the other again and again in an endless loop. There is no exertion in the underworld.

Nothing physical anyway.

What is taking its toll are the thoughts swirling in his mind without any reprieve.

(he doubts.)

(he trusts.)

He’s not ashamed to admit that he’s not used to that level of introspection.

Not on his own anyway.

But here in the silence of the underworld, there’s no escape from it. From himself.

He thought he had a pretty good idea of the man he wanted to be. Who he had become.

And he does.

Except he’s come to realise just how much of it depends on what others think of him.

Maybe this should make him angry too. He’s spent so long trying to prove people wrong when they thought he would never amount to anything.

But there’s a difference between wanting to prove someone wrong and wanting to prove someone right.

Roxy’s opinion of him will always be important. Valuable. A scale on which he can judge his own actions.

Because the thing about Roxy is that, besides his trusts, she’s never made any demand of him. She always seen who is and never found him lacking.

And so he wants to continue to be this man for her. Doesn’t want to disappoint her. Because disappointing her would just be disappointing himself. And he’s done enough of that for a lifetime already.

That’s why he trusts that she is there.

(she must.)

Because he believes he’s doing the right thing.

(he is.)

And Roxy has always trusted him. Has always trusted his judgment.

He cannot think of a reason why either of them would ever come to regret his actions now.

But a reassurance would be appreciated anyway.

Not because he is weak. But simply because that’s what friends are for.

He really wishes she could say something. Anything at all.

He misses her.

Eggsy closes his eyes with a sigh, knowing already what is coming.

He turns to where she must be standing.

But he doesn’t look, he doesn’t see.

No.

Not yet.

(AGAIN-)

Eggsy keeps on walking.

How long has it been, he can’t tell.

He just knows that he hasn’t failed yet and so he must carry on.

More and more, it feels like he’ll be stuck in the underworld forever.

Not because there is no way out.

Eggsy knows there is one. The path is clear and he hasn’t strayed from it.

He just doesn’t how long it truly is.

He’s started over so many times.

Because he refuses to fail. Because he is stubborn. Because he is strong.

Yes, he made this deal because he was weak.

He lost Roxy and he felt so alone. Vulnerable.

It’s not something he was prepared to face again, not so soon.

He had finally found someone who never doubted him and who would always stand by him. But the world has never been fair to him and he lost her.

And Eggsy is selfish.

He made a deal to get her back because he could and he didn’t really think of the consequences. It’s never stopped him before, it wasn’t going to stop him then.

He is strong. Strong enough to deal with whatever consequences might result of his decision.

If he succeeds, he knows he’ll never come to regret it, no matter what happens.

Because Roxy is too important to him.

And if he fails…

He won’t regret it either.

Because at least he would have tried. Tried so many times that he can’t hide from himself anymore.

(at long last.)

(the Truth.)

Eggsy made a deal because he was too weak to let Roxy go.

And he’s getting her back because with her at his back, he is strong enough to conquer death itself.

He should tell everything.

But every time he opens his mouth to say something, words fail him.

He doesn’t know where exactly to start.

And telling her like that doesn’t feel right. It feels like he doesn’t really want to face her. Like he prefers to keep whatever idealistic version of her he’s built in his mind over the course of their friendship and doesn’t really care about what the real her thinks of his confession.

It feels like he’s a coward.

But he’s not.

He’s many things, but he’s never been that.

Eggsy made a deal to bring Roxy back to the living without thinking of the consequences.

He made a deal because he couldn’t deal her loss.

He believes it was the right thing to do.

Roxy might think differently. Who can ever say what others think?

Maybe getting her back will mean losing her in a more terrible way than simple death.

He still won’t regret it.

He starts turning around to tell her everything, but remembers himself just in time.

His eyes shut and her name falls from his lips.

There will be time for all of this when they make it out of the underworld.

Or maybe there won’t be.

It doesn’t matter.

This is not part of the deal.

And the trial isn’t over yet.

(againagainagainagainagain)

Time has lost all meaning.

If it ever had any in the first place.

Eggsy can’t quite tell anymore.

He just knows that he needs to keep walking.

That’s the deal he’s made.

That he may walk out of the underworld with Roxy, as long as he trusted that she was there. As long as he never looked behind.

So he walks.

He trusts that she is behind.

(Truth. Lie.)

He doubts.

That’s the only reason he can be certain he hasn’t failed yet. That he hasn’t looked behind no matter how many times he’s turned around.

He thought he had finally figured out why he was doing all of this.

That it was all for her.

That it was all for himself.

He doesn’t know anymore.

(Lie.Truth.)

The why of it isn’t important anyway.

The important thing is that they’re doing this.

Together.

If anyone can succeed, it’s them.

That he doesn’t doubt. Not even for a moment.

Everything else can wait until they’re out of here.

Whatever comes next, it will be its own challenge. But they’ll weather it together just like they always do and they’ll be all the stronger for it.

Because that’s the one thing Eggsy is coming to realise from it all.

You’re only as strong as the people you chose to stand with.

And even if they’re gone, that doesn’t mean they’ve left you.

Eggsy brushes away the tears that have been rolling down his cheeks.

He trusts that she is there.

Even if he lets her go.

He won’t lose her.

Not ever.

“Please.”

It’s a plea.

It’s a prayer.

To whom, he’s not sure. It’s not like he believes anyone is really listening.

But for her, for Roxy, he’s always been willing to do anything.

Even begging.

“Please.”

He feels himself turning around.

Closes his eyes.

He hasn’t looked.

He didn’t see.

“Please-.”

(one last time)

They walk a long time on the road of the underworld.

Eggsy leads the way while Roxy follows behind him.

They don’t exchange words. They have never needed them before. They don’t need them now either.

It would be a comfort of course, but it is not the time for comfort.

This is a trial.

A fair one, but not an easy one.

And so, they keep on walking.

They walk because they are too stubborn to give up.

They walk because there is still a chance.

Dawn is breaking when they finally make it out of the underworld.

The light is enough to hurt his eyes. He would close them, but he doesn’t want to miss a single moment of this new day, even when tears start blurring his sight.

Eggsy takes a deep breath.

Lets himself smile at the sound of the birds chirping in the trees, the sound of the wind playing in the leaves.

He smiles at the world living and breathing all around him.

And, because he trusts that she is there-

He looks behind.

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