agalmatophiilia

[agalmatophiilia]

that feeling of not being able to connect and practice w ur home country cultural practices anymore but also knowing damn well I wouldn't perfectly fit in anymore. like I don't belong anywhere. I miss everything. /half serious

[agalmatophiilia]

plucking my hair strands out of my head bcuz I fucking hate pple who push this shit inside of my head. Or maybe I'm js the problem for letting it get inside of my head hahaha fucking hell

[agalmatophiilia]

peak e1 behavior

[agalmatophiilia]

Don't treat me human

I am not a human, you don't have the obligation to be talking to me as one, to care for me as one, to look at me as one, to respect me as one.

No, I do not deserve it.

I am merely a waste of air that is occupying the remaining space of your house.

[agalmatophiilia]

I fear that I might have a new favorite in the book haha...

[agalmatophiilia]

But Honey, loneliness is eating me.

[agalmatophiilia]

Pfarr Vergara

How come others make it look so easy? Maybe they're also like me, it may appear as though it is nothing but it is not, as if the world will collapse so why let it collapse if you can pretend it won't?

Is it really easy? To pretend? Whatever shall I do if I do not know what to do next? But I won't. I'll always know what comes after the next, and I don't know whether it's a comforting fact or a futile one.

I no longer want to walk, I no longer have the colorful excitement I once had felt into the everyday walk. A shameful part of me questions if I'm doing something wrong in life, "What if?" and there's worry. Worry, comes after another worry, will it ever end if I had made the other decision? Or should I just wait till life hands it to me?

No, I am the problem. I have to keep forcing the strained smile on my face, to prove that I can still keep on walking this icy concrete. Tired, can't I just take a shortcut? Can't someone carry me through? But I rely on people too much, that's why they think I'm a burden. Worthless and a useless burden.

[agalmatophiilia]

He who's not a friend

You are impeccably ugly in nature, I know because I have been inside you. And you should listen to my words, sweet boy, for I am your savior. I am simply all that you have, it's okay, never shall I leave you like the others did when they saw your beastly complexion. Don't be afraid ... I won't hurt you like they did. Feel my touch ... It is warm, is it not? I am real. And so are you. So don't leave me you, atrocious thing. The only person here in this living world who sees beauty in you is me. I cannot lose you, no, never. You validate my existence too, you know?

[agalmatophiilia]

'Be Quiet and Drive'. Mark Thompson. 2023.

[agalmatophiilia]

"My heart has been twisted and turned ugly by the people I can't even blame, it is too hurt to love and to be loved."

- Pfarr

[agalmatophiilia]

Mark Hess my baby •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀

[agalmatophiilia]

Seth's take on his Project#4 OCs

` PFARR ; He was the first character to be made in this story, also the main protagonist — so obviously I love him so very much. I still wish he could have taken a different path in life (Even tho I'm literally the one who made his ending). However, I definitely think that his ending was inescapable, it was written all over him that he wouldn't get the ending he really wanted. Upon reading my initial drafts, I noticed how much I've changed in writing style, but I also realized how many similarities we both have (lmao), AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I felt most connected to his character so it was painful writing his character.

` GORAN ; Second made character, I thought of him as a bit sinister at first but he eventually grew on me and became more human. His character was inspired by my closest friend and my now boyfriend (If you ever see this, ily). I think both Pfarr and Goran are likely to be misunderstood by people if ever I had a fandom in this story (lol), but Goran is possibly the character who'll be misunderstood because of how he was mainly the reason for Pfarr's disintegration. Overall, I felt more comfortable in writing his character than the rest. He's basically a comfort oc XD.

' RIO ; My robot baby. He's a character me and @atlachilles made, mostly has my friend's characteristics in him. I think he's a really great symbol of humans who have experienced trauma growing up, being deprived of the concept of their humanity that convinces them that they're not human enough to live a normal life — when in reality, they have the same essence of 'humans' inside of them. Rio was made for the purpose of becoming a scientist in some Area 51 location, but little did he know that his creator actually wanted a child so he then made Rio, out of love and yearning for a family. He's probably the second character after Pfarr that hurts me the most. LIVE LAUGH LOVE RIO!

— PFARR's ALTERS

' MM (not putting his full name cuz it's corny) ; A manifestation of Pfarr's loneliness and desire of having a protector after losing Goran, who played a big role in being his support system. Very intense, manipulative and #1 self-indulgent asshole. His main purpose is to protect Pfarr but can become rebellious and end up doing things out of his own desire (often leading to harming Pfarr). Manifested last, in short; he's the youngest alter. Of course, the youngest are always the most unbearable shits/hj. I personally think he's definitely the most fucked asshole out of all of them, literally abused Rio for his own pleasure even tho both Pfarr and Father disagreed on further harming the boy. Although he's the youngest, he was the first alter I ever made for Pfarr. I definitely had the most fun in writing his chaotic character.

' Father ; The acting guardian parent for Pfarr. He was first an imaginary friend of Pfarr but he then became manifested as an alternate personality from the time Pfarr lost the trust he had for his parents. Strict and a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to the rules he had built but can't seem to take control of MM because of MM's stubborn and stronger personality. Spends a lot more with Pfarr the most. I literally just had a better idea of his character just a while ago but I'm already fond of him. I had the biggest urge to make an e1 character the other day and so I've decided that instead of making a new one — I'll have an old character instead to put my urges on heh.

[ names and events will probably change in the course of time i make this story but I'll prolly just edit it out if ever ]

Old Arts

First two doodles are my first designs of Pfarr's twisted pov of himself (pumpkin head to the far left), Goran (square head), and MM (big bulky thing at the far right).

Then this last one is a design of Pfarr after being influenced by MM.

Wholesome au art of DarkMach (Pfarr x Goran) I did around the summer (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)

[agalmatophiilia]

... not me falling in love with every enneagram

[agalmatophiilia]

What is it really that you desire? Why do you do what you do?

For the reassurance that I actually exist. That I'm actually here, recognized by people.

Haha

[agalmatophiilia]

Seth's Diary ..

|| The man at the back seems troubled. Perhaps with his own pride? His face, enshrouded with distraught.

'Why does it feel like someone else is living inside of this body—I call mine—devouring my brain.

Sometimes I can't recognize a soul.'

'A soul that I should be more familiar with. Sometimes I feel like a mere concept, a character, nonexistent. With only love and envy towards others who can live as someone.

Oh I'm someone, alright.'

|| Just that man who stands ambiguously in the back. A man you will never understand. His mind you could never comprehend, what makes it run. He stares at you with indifference. Is he any different from you?

|| He laughs at the thought,

'You are a ludicrous joke compared to me. You are just like the rest, aren't you?'

|| Sighing in relief; he was glad that he needn't to be jealous of the other. For the other is merely a body he despises.

'I would have made a better you if only you gave me your body.'

|| There was no 'you', it was only him. The man at the back, who cannot take notice that he is in fact at the front, not the back. That he was still him. There was no one else residing in his body, only him. Pitiful, oh pitiful man.

[agalmatophiilia]

Maddie being introduced as this literal ray of sunshine and then being the first to beat along to Piltovers turn to martial law. Her interactions with Vi mystifying her as “one of the good ones.” One of the good Zaunites. She was always discriminatory toward Zaunites, they just didn’t make it overt at her introduction. The turn to fascism and discrimination can start with anyone. Including a literal ray of sunshine.

[agalmatophiilia]

WHO REALLY CARES