afunworldtobe

[afunworldtobe]

2024 was a year of a lot of emotional feeling because there were time were I was happy and time where I felt so alone. The first trimester of 2024, I was confident of myself, wanted a new change, and do something new out of the ordinary. I started to go to the gym with my friends, I did some traveling, and I got a new job. I was happy of how things were going. During the second trimester there were many realization and many eye opening things that I didn’t realize. This got me thinking on the things I want to do in life and things I want to accomplish for my future. I also thought about things I want to change and things I didn’t. Then when the third trimester came, it made me realize that I have no one to help me accomplish these goals, to be there to help and support me, and someone to listen to me. I felt alone and unheard. I kept thinking to myself that when the year started I wanted it to be a do I myself year/ independence year but it never really happened. 2024 was a journey for me because it was a year that I actually thought about myself and what I want. I hope that 2025 brings me joy and happiness, to love and be kinder to myself, and be strong and independent. Cheers to 2025🥂🎉

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„It’s hard to understand you“. Yes I know, I live with my thoughts 24/7 and don’t even understand myself.

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lately has been getting hard to exist

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[afunworldtobe]

i don't wanna be alone anymore, but i don't wanna interact with people and be hurt again. i don't wanna hurt anyone either, and i don't want more people to hate me. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i really wanna kms rn

[afunworldtobe]

I destroy myself to make me feel better but in the end I always feel worse.

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I never told anyone this but…

In the beginning of the year my friends asked me to workout with them. At the time all I did was go to work and stayed home doing nothing. I worked a lot because I didn’t want to stay home. My family is dysfunctional and it’s a place where I just eat and sleep. I felt lonely and unheard and had no one to talk to. So when I got the text from my friends I was surprised because no one usually hit me up to do something. I felt this could be my change where it can be a 180 and I would have a close friend to talk to and rely on. So we figured out a day and it was successful. One of the 2 of my friends was usually busy with work so it was just me and my friend constantly going together. We also met outside of the gym, we when shopping together and I met her other friends. During this time she was taking to someone and eventually that started dating. They did couple things and eventually they started to go to the gym together. She told her boyfriend that she at least needed one day of the week to work out with the girls. It started off good but as time goes by she was busy on the days I wasn’t and on the day that she wasn’t busy I was busy. We stopped going to the gym together because we were busy doing our own thing and I also got a new job so I wanted to focus on that. I haven’t gone to the gym for a while now. I’m back to square one now where I feel lonely, unheard, and have no one to talk to. I can’t help to think that the time that we were close for a bit was all for nothing? Does she think back on when we want to the gym together? Does she remember the moment? She posts a lot about her and her boyfriend being so happy. Both of them hangout with her other friends. Her and her friends eating out and going shopping together. I sometimes think about if she didn’t taking to her boyfriend when we went to the gym together, would we be closer friends? Would I have made it to her friend group? Would I had friends to talk to? Maybe I wanted this so bad that it was better off me not having it. I also think about if this never happened then it still play out to be the same?

It’s okay, please don’t trash talk her. She’s a really good friend. I know that she will be there for me when i need her. But right now she has her own life and have other people that was there first before I came. I tend to forget that people have friends to turn to when they need. Whereas for me I push people away. My time has not come yet where I can trust someone and talk to them about everything and it okay.

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I wish I knew what it's like to feel confident

I wish I knew what it's like to be not scared of being in pictures

I wish I was cute enough that friends want to take a picture with me too

I just wish I wasn't this ugly

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