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a song i wrote in drop c tuning (soundcloud)

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you were warm

‘ it was winter.

december.

the solstice.

we stood by the fire and laughed at the stars.

what did they know?

they were dead after all.

what did they know?

i burnt my thumb on flame just to feel warm.

i drank seltzer and you drank soda.

i recycled your can.

it was 20 degrees and i felt myself burning.

you kissed me three times.

you never called again.

december suddenly felt so cold’

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‘it was not just me there was it? your lips were on my forehead. i am haunted by the breath right after. i filled my lungs with the carbon in yours and it was toxic and it was real and it was there. you were there. you were warm and i was scared out of my mind.’

k.o

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take my hand. did we taste the same kiss? or is it just your spearmint gum setting my tongue on fire? hold me down and suffocate me underneath your love. you laugh as i go blue and if i could i would be laughing too. it’s an honor to be crushed by you.

crush by laura martin (via floral--and-fading)

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i think i am over him until i see him and my heart drops down and falls to its knees

A Story a Day #40 by bramble-lee (via bramble-lee)

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e.g

curtains close on you and i, for now im certain. i would be surprised if on december 31,2018 you were not my news years kiss and you and i were happy as it should be. we will be. i’m actually almost certain of that. ill let you have your time. we’ll be together by june.

in this video the song this year plays. this year by the mountain goats is the reason i am walking happy today. 'i am going to make it through this year if it kills me'. i look back and feel nothing but joy and love and happiness towards him, but it feels distant and moving far away. i miss him, but not for his kisses or anything like that, i just miss him as a person. i'm sad it couldnt work out, but I'm glad it didnt. He was and always will be the first boy i ever fell for madly, the first one to give me the butterflies, the first one to make me feel like he cared (in the small amount of times that he did). i really and truel believe he felt and feels the same as i do rigjt now. im not convincing myself, i think in a way once you connect like that you just know.

i am going to make it through this breakup if it kills me.

I am thankful for the joy he brought and for crossing into my life in a time i needed someone to make me feelalivw. he opened the doors to what actually feelings are.

that video above is one of my favorites of all time. that is what love looks like to me. i'm ready and willing to find it with someone new. e.g, one day in the future this shit will work itself out, i really believe it. but right now, i'm letting the universe take the fucking reigns and lead me where i need to go and to who needs to be in my life. you were important and brought in for a reason. you left for a reason too. maybe one day we'll care about each other again, which i know will prolly be the case, though maybe we wont. either way i'll feel fulfilled. i know he felt the same. and i know its time to leave him in the dust. in the cheesiest corniest way possible, this is not goodbye. this is 'i'll see you later when circumstances are better and each of us have figured out what the hell we want and each of us have moved on with other people and each of us habe experianced wjat we need to. i hope i see you, but i'm not waiting on it.'

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Fare Thee Well

And I guess it makes sense that he came as everything died around me. He brought me back to life three times just to kill me all over again. Jesus I’ve never felt more alive. Hell, I’ve never felt more dead. You can’t be alive like that for as long as I was. It had to die. I had to die.

I don’t know any other way to put it then I just keep running the fuck into the pink hoverboard on my floor and I don’t even want to bend down to move it. My lights don’t work right now and I don’t have the heart to leave my room and flip the switch to get them started again. How do you describe that feeling to someone? Not wanting to go downstairs to turn on your own electricity. Everything is dying and I just want to listen to “when a man loves a woman” by Percy sledge and “hello darlin” by Conway Twitty.

I think that song was ours. We felt it and took it for our own. I played it that first drive we took together, the one that lasted til 3 A.M. I looked at him and he just gave me that lopsided grin. You wouldn’t know, but it’s the face where he looks at you like you’re a little bit crazy in the best way possible. I think he loved me then. He added that song into his playlist. I know he listens to it.

When he came back and I met his parents and felt whole again, he played it as though it was ours forever. “You’re just as lovely as you used to be.” three times he kissed me that night. Quick on the mouth. I felt him though and I felt his soul open up and for that one minute it was bright outside at 12 am. It was so sunny. You could almost see the sunrise peaking behind his eyes. Holy shit the sun was right there, I’d go blind looking into it for hours.

If that doesn’t describe it, whatever it is I’m feeling and running towards and he’s running from, I don’t know what does.

Maybe he’s thinking that last verse.

“if you should ever find it in your heart to forgive me, come back darling, I’ll be waiting for you.”

Maybe he’s not.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Maybe I’m just killing time.

In my mind, even though its over, we’re slow dancing in fancy clothes, his suit up against his skinny frame, my long green dress skimming the floor a bit too much. I’m in my converse like always. The ones that remind me of the sun. We’re dancing to the song my dad used to sing me. The one where fools rush into love. I can’t help it.I’m standing on his toes and he’s looking at me. Really looking at me.

Take my whole heart too.

I can’t help it. I really cant.

I’m trying to sleep again but he’s right there in front of me. He’s there at my door and it is so real. He’s right in front of me. I’m tip toed and holding onto him. Holy shit, his lips are chapped as always. Use some chapstick, baby. Drink some water, darling.  His mouth lingers on my fore head. My nose. He’s looking me in the eyes now and curving his back to see me clearer. Head to head. Nose to nose. Theres that smile, the one I’d fight wars for. All with his eyes he tells me, fare thee well baby, nothing worth living without you.

You don’t get to decide when things don’t work anymore. I fought a war for this to work. I let him walk away while I stood on eggshells and my feet were bleeding and I was so scared. I don’t think he hates me. I don’t think he feels the way he says he does. How could he? You can’t look at someone like that and feel that way. That doesn’t work like that. The science doesn’t add up.

I miss it all. I miss the not knowing and the stairs of glass and fighting for attention and fighting for him and him not looking at me and him looking at me and him holding me and him loving me in all those moments where he stared at me like the first time. He’d light up, I saw it. My light house, I was in the ocean drifting. Guided me to shore. And I know I’m told I’m the lucky one, I’m the one with the future. But my future seems like it’s bathed in blacks and blues without the sun at midnight. Without the sun in my hand. Maybe he’d bring me down, but I’d let the water fill my lungs and tie me to the ocean floor just to be near him one more time.

I’m not living right now. I’m just killing time.

He’ll walk into my life again in the casual way he always does. Even thought it’s over he’ll walk right back in and start it all over again. It’s sad and its sick, but I’d look at him dead in the eyes and say ‘Hello darlin, it’s been a long time.’.

He’ll be just as lovely as he used to be.

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this is my body weight restored and well fed and unexercised and destroyed and hurt and tired and broken and happy and in love and in hate. this is my body having been awake since thursday. this is my body picking me up and getting me out of my bed despite wanting to stay in it. this is my broken and sad and destroyed body that today, is growing and moving on knowing that things will be alright. this is my body trusting the process. this body is made of sunflowers and lilies, this body it blooming. this is mine. i dont love it, but I’m learning.

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IT

Nothing will ever be as warm as the 2nd of December 

3am.

Parked on the side of the road.

Hair in your lap, eyes on my eyes.

It took you two hours in the car before you leaned in and kissed me.

I find myself wishing id feel that way again.

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28

Your dad walked in today.

I wanted to ask him how you are, what you ate for breakfast, what song you listened to before you went to bed.

I swear, for a minute there, as he was walking out the door he looked just like you.

I guess thats silly.

Your dad walked in today, and you weren’t even there and I fell more in love.

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Fare Thee Well

And I guess it makes sense that he came as everything died around me. He brought me back to life three times just to kill me all over again. Jesus I’ve never felt more alive. Hell, I’ve never felt more dead. You can’t be alive like that for as long as I was. It had to die. I had to die.

I don’t know any other way to put it then I just keep running the fuck into the pink hoverboard on my floor and I don’t even want to bend down to move it. My lights don’t work right now and I don’t have the heart to leave my room and flip the switch to get them started again. How do you describe that feeling to someone? Not wanting to go downstairs to turn on your own electricity. Everything is dying and I just want to listen to “when a man loves a woman” by Percy sledge and “hello darlin” by Conway Twitty.

I think that song was ours. We felt it and took it for our own. I played it that first drive we took together, the one that lasted til 3 A.M. I looked at him and he just gave me that lopsided grin. You wouldn’t know, but it’s the face where he looks at you like you’re a little bit crazy in the best way possible. I think he loved me then. He added that song into his playlist. I know he listens to it.

When he came back and I met his parents and felt whole again, he played it as though it was ours forever. “You’re just as lovely as you used to be.” three times he kissed me that night. Quick on the mouth. I felt him though and I felt his soul open up and for that one minute it was bright outside at 12 am. It was so sunny. You could almost see the sunrise peaking behind his eyes. Holy shit the sun was right there, I’d go blind looking into it for hours.

If that doesn’t describe it, whatever it is I’m feeling and running towards and he’s running from, I don’t know what does.

Maybe he’s thinking that last verse.

“if you should ever find it in your heart to forgive me, come back darling, I’ll be waiting for you.”

Maybe he’s not.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Maybe I’m just killing time.

In my mind, even though its over, we’re slow dancing in fancy clothes, his suit up against his skinny frame, my long green dress skimming the floor a bit too much. I’m in my converse like always. The ones that remind me of the sun. We’re dancing to the song my dad used to sing me. The one where fools rush into love. I can’t help it.I’m standing on his toes and he’s looking at me. Really looking at me.

Take my whole heart too.

I can’t help it. I really cant.

I’m trying to sleep again but he’s right there in front of me. He’s there at my door and it is so real. He’s right in front of me. I’m tip toed and holding onto him. Holy shit, his lips are chapped as always. Use some chapstick, baby. Drink some water, darling.  His mouth lingers on my fore head. My nose. He’s looking me in the eyes now and curving his back to see me clearer. Head to head. Nose to nose. Theres that smile, the one I’d fight wars for. All with his eyes he tells me, fare thee well baby, nothing worth living without you.

You don’t get to decide when things don’t work anymore. I fought a war for this to work. I let him walk away while I stood on eggshells and my feet were bleeding and I was so scared. I don’t think he hates me. I don’t think he feels the way he says he does. How could he? You can’t look at someone like that and feel that way. That doesn’t work like that. The science doesn’t add up.

I miss it all. I miss the not knowing and the stairs of glass and fighting for attention and fighting for him and him not looking at me and him looking at me and him holding me and him loving me in all those moments where he stared at me like the first time. He’d light up, I saw it. My light house, I was in the ocean drifting. Guided me to shore. And I know I’m told I’m the lucky one, I’m the one with the future. But my future seems like it’s bathed in blacks and blues without the sun at midnight. Without the sun in my hand. Maybe he’d bring me down, but I’d let the water fill my lungs and tie me to the ocean floor just to be near him one more time.

I’m not living right now. I’m just killing time.

He’ll walk into my life again in the casual way he always does. Even thought it’s over he’ll walk right back in and start it all over again. It’s sad and its sick, but I’d look at him dead in the eyes and say ‘Hello darlin, it’s been a long time.’.

He’ll be just as lovely as he used to be.

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A Tale Of Two Mourners (short film), 

written by me.

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koda

Kaleigh? She asks. She is watching me and I am glowing like newly pressed dresses, and the kindly shined shoes that Brother buys on 5th and Main. There she is, by the kitchen counter. There I am in the doorway.

Mom? I run through the corn maze in my head and question everything. My eyes dart through cups and glasses and plates, washing machines and dishwashers and unmade beds and unbrushed hairs. Crashing cymbals and untuned guitars play in the air.

Who stole it? She asks me. What it? What it, Mom? I want to scream what it and pretend I don’t know. I do. I do know. Greens and lavenders and rosy pinks flush all over my face at once my hand is on my lips. Year-long seconds pass and she is still asking Who stole it. I am still there in the doorway my lips filled with his its and his its are in my heart. Mom, no one stole it. Mom, it’s still here. Mom doesn’t listen. Mom keeps asking. Who stole it, who stole it? I don’t want to reply.

But then he’s at the window. He’s there, I swear it, I really do. He is in my window. His skinned knee hair, there it is. I see my his lips as red as his hair. His eyes turn from eyes to windows and I'm looking at his mind. I see his messy mind, a roller coaster loop-dee looping and I am on every single car. I am drifting through the air in tender piano riffs and Mommys Sunday choirs.

Mom woke up Dad and he wanted to hear none of it. Dad turned Mom’s yells into spaghetti words and she slipped into the mountainous silence that fell over Chepstow and it’s perfect white shutters and perfect white families. I look towards the Sunshine.