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Being an Adult

It’s May 8th, 2020, 12:02 am.

It’s been two years since I last wrote here.

To be honest, there’s not much to write. I could write about all that’s happened, but I feel these recordings, written or otherwise, don’t help me anymore.

I’ve learned to just endure negative feelings. Embrace them. Move through them. And come out the other side of them free of them. It works most times.

I will say this, being 25 now, I still have my struggles. I still fight depression, and I fight the thoughts of my past, but I can at least say I’m not as sad as often as I used to be.

I don’t think I’m happy, at least not genuinely. There are good moments here and there. But I think since my last post, there have maybe only been two times where I’ve genuinely felt happy.

Even then, those were just that, moments.

I’m still searching for it, as well as some sense of normalcy. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long time to find that.

To be honest, I have doubts if I ever will.

I just know I can’t get myself stuck again, so maybe constant change isn’t too bad. But I know that constant change eludes happiness.

Talk about a double edged sword.

One day... maybe... I hope I’ll reach true happiness.

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The Reset

It’s Tuesday, May 8th, 2018. 10:36 pm.

It’s been nearly a year since I’ve last posted. I’ve had some audio logs in a recorder, but I felt a need to write something. Something that I could just read sometime in the future.

Things that have happened since my last post:

-I’ve graduated.

-I’ve cycled across the country.

-I completed my first co-op in Rochester.

-I lived at home for month.

-I got a job in Seattle.

-I’ve started to become an adult.

-I lost a lot of people I thought were friends.

There’s so much that happens in a year, some good some bad and some insignificant. I think there’s something important though that I really learned, that took me a long time to actually accomplished, whether it be for better or for worse.

I’ve learned to let go.

I think it’s that lesson, that keeps me moving forward, but still haunted by my past. I have goals for the future, but at the moment it’s all on my own. I don’t have any friends here in Seattle, which can make it lonely sometimes, so I travel when I can or talk with friends online. But I’ve been focusing on myself the most. Taking the advice my friend Jackie told me years before. To just forget others for awhile and make time for myself. It’s been going well. I’ve been eating better, exercising, finally moving towards goals I always said I would someday reach. But doing this, all this, alone... It leaves my mind to wander. I don’t have the distraction of plans for the weekend, the conversations of where to eat, the gossip of others. Without those, all my thoughts tend to go to the past.

It’s these thoughts of the past that trap me, and make it hard to break free and forget. Most of the time it’s self-inflicted. Other times someone makes a remark online that reminds me.

Letting go of people, knowing not to chase, realizing an end. That’s one thing, but the thoughts, I don’t think it’s possible to escape without something to look forward to.

My job is contracted. 18 months. I’m already through 3. If I don’t have any friends by the time the first 12 months are done. I’m gonna look to other places to live, perhaps where old friends are.

Honestly, I don’t want to have to do that. I want to make new friends, but as an adult with limited interactions with people, it can be rough. And to be honest, I’m not trying very hard. I want to go out to meet people when I’m at my best on my own. Most of this is by physically getting better, but I’m also hoping that will bolster my confidence. I’m just hoping when the moments that test me arrive, where emotions run high, I’ll remember the past mistakes and lessons and stop myself from making more mistakes.

I know I have a lot more to come, and I’m still learning to grow. I have faith that one day I’ll be where I am, and I can look back at the past not in a way that makes me wish it was different. But in a way that makes me glad I went through the path as it was, to lead me to a point where I can be happy and proud of me and my life.

I must keep this flame of hope alive. Always.

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A Clean Slate... Maybe

It’s Saturday, May 27th, 2017. 12:20 in the morning.

I’m hoping one day I’ll be able to write something here that’s positive. One day maybe, but today is not the day. 

I’m honestly not going to write much in this. I’m going to start a new way of doing audio logs, via a recorder. The primary purpose is to document my Journey of Hope trip, but the secondary is to document all I’m going through.

I’ll just leave it with this.

There’s so much here that I’ve experienced, learned, and created. It’s a bittersweet thought to think I will have to leave it all, but maybe it’s exactly what I need.

I need a clean slate, a brand new start. 

A new me.

I want to stay because of the comfort, even if that comfort is within my own bandages from the wounds I’ve encountered. But it’s what I know. I feel there are so many things left unsaid, incomplete. The chance to experience them or attempt it has come and gone. It may suck that I didn’t get a chance to experience and learn sooner, to have more time, but it is what it is.

It’s the same knowledge that I find comfort in these bandages that make it the same reason for me to want to leave. I feel that staying is simply opening up scars that need to be let alone, and to be hidden away so that new eyes may not come across them.

I’m always worried that maybe my time for a happy life has come and gone, but I won’t know until I go out there.

I need this. I need to heal away from this old place, to return later perhaps. I just know that this is no longer a safe haven.

I just want to be happy, and I don’t think I can find it here in Rochester.

A restart is required for my life. Here’s hoping it comes soon.

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Just know, the amount of time you spend thinking about them, they're probably thinking about you a quarter as much, if at all.

A former lover

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History Written by the Victors

There are people that say, what’s done is done. It’s all history, you can’t change it. I agree. But the difficult part isn’t over because of it, it simply means that the history is now definite. It can be brought up, referred to, used, but never forgotten. 

It’s Wednesday, April 5th, 2017, 2:45 in the morning.

Not much new has happened since my last post. The biggest thing that happened was from this past Friday night at one of our parties. We had a party, and I thought about halfway through it, it was going to be bad. I ended up making out with two girls, both in the same sorority. The first one kinda used me, but I knew she did and went along with it. Her name was Natalya. It was the first black girl I made out with. She told me she was trying to accomplish making out with one guy from every fraternity. She asked me if I wanted to, and I agreed.

The other girl was named Jenny, she was a freshman. Her and I had a really good conversation that night. We ended up making out at one point, but it wasn’t a usual make out that was all purely physical. It was like small kisses throughout. The kisses felt, emotional. It was nice, comforting. We were looking into each other’s eyes after every few. It felt simple.

I wanted to talk to her more after that night, but on Sunday she announced at her chapter meeting, she was back with her ex-boyfriend. Nothing could happen. Not sure what would have happened, considering I was graduating.

It just figured though, my luck. Another girl, out of my grasp. Somehow, and I don’t know how, this brings my thoughts back to Alecia. I hate it. I hate these thoughts so much and I want to have them go away. I want to be free, I don’t want to dwell. It’s never helped me before.

Maybe it’s more the fact I dwell on why it screwed up. I got screwed over an incident two years ago. I lost the battle against Alex and she got to write the history of it, and that history ruined my shot at being happy.

I just hate seeing these images of what could’ve been. Of what might’ve happened.

I’m always going to wonder.

I feel like I’m going to be stuck.

I just... I wish I had a real chance... not to be stopped not even halfway.

But to the victor, history is written. That history is written as me being the crazy one. Hell, me writing this makes me seem crazy. There’s no number of words that could argue that. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe there is no coming back.

If that’s the case. Well, fuck my life. Guess I’m stuck fighting an uphill battle that I simply just can’t climb.

I’m not surprised.

When has my life yielded results that worked in my favor and made me genuinely happy?

Still waiting to find the answer to that.

Hopefully it’ll come soon.

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Restart Required

It’s Tuesday, March 7th, 2017.

This won’t be a long post, well, so I think at the moment. I realized though that my last post was about two and a half years ago. So much has happened since then. So much. I guess for those wondering, if there is anyone there who is, things with Alex didn’t go well. They went horribly actually, to the point of where I needed to go to therapy. It’s now something forever engrained in my head that I can’t forget although I wish I could and I wish it never happened.

Here’s a brief history of the past two and a half years of what my heart went through. Shortly after Alex I almost hooked up with this crazy girl named Natalie, that didn’t go well and she was crazy so there was that. The first semester of my 4th year was just going through the motions, recovering from what happened with Alex. In October I started dating this girl, Darcy. We dated for almost 6 months. She was the second girl in my life that I told I loved. The relationship was great, she was sweet, genuine, and caring. We never argued, but something was missing for me. For me, it was missing passion. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I needed Darcy, only temporarily, to recover from Alex, to rebuild myself. Once I did, I felt myself distancing from her. I knew it was going to end weeks before it did. I created an argument to use as my scapegoat to break up. I didn’t realize it then, nor for the next year following, but every person I tell, I say it was a great relationship, the best so far and that there was nothing wrong with her. It’s then I realized, I was the bad guy in the relationship, and it’s hard to come to terms with that.

After I broke up with Darcy, I ended up hooking up with Kaylee, a woman 8 years older than I that was a friend of the fraternity. It wasn’t my proudest moment but I was desperate and drunk. I kinda wish it didn’t happen. It was a one-night thing.

I started talking with Olivia, an ex of a brother. She and I would make out and the one time we almost had sex, I couldn’t get it up. We would make out and such every now and then, but eventually that fizzled down to a simple friendship.

During the summer of 2016, another big turn occurred. My boss, Moises, had his daughter, Rebekah back from Atlanta. I always thought she was cute in the photos, and then she started working at my job. I didn’t expect it but one day we hooked up. We had a friends-with-benefits thing going on and we would get a little closer than I expected sometimes. I kept my distance and eventually, she caught on and did so as well. Then things took a turn for the worse. My boss, her father, got into a motorcycle accident. He was in critical condition for about 2 weeks. Then, on July 19th, early morning, I woke to a message saying he passed away. It was the first time I had ever lost someone close to me. I still miss him. He was one of my best friends, a father figure, a mentor, and a brother. There isn’t a day that goes by where I wish I could talk to him and ask him for advice.

Since then, Rebekah and I barely spoke. 

Not long after then, on July 28th, coming back from a small going away party for one of my brothers, me and Hannah shared a kiss. I was unsure what it meant, and if it did mean anything. It did I found out later, but I had already messed up by the time I did. July 30th, my 22nd birthday, I ended up sleeping with this girl Juliette. Hannah found out and basically told me nothing would happen now.

Things that happened with Juliette went longer and were more difficult than I would have wanted it to be. At first, I turned her down, and then finally realizing I wanted to try something, it was too late, she moved on to someone else. That didn’t last long as much as I wanted her, she was iffy. Things got worse and I ended up having a breakdown from her. Eventually, I realized, this girl was not what I needed, and walked away.

There’s one other girl that I ended up meeting recently. And for all the different things that led to that encounter, it seemed like fate. Her name is Alecia. She seemed like the perfect girl when I met her. I thought she was beautiful. We had some similar interests and we instantly had chemistry. But in the words of Robin Scherbatsky from HIMYM, you need chemistry and timing, but timing is a bitch. Alecia is in the same sorority as Alex. Although Alex had graduated, her best friend didn’t. Her best friend told Alecia about what happened between me and Alex, well, Alex’s side of things. From that point of view, I appeared crazy and clingy. At first, I had my friend Liz to help me, but when this semester, my final semester, rolled in, Liz was abroad, and Alecia believed Alex’s story. She ghosted me out.

I originally thought it wasn’t because of me she that she disappeared. Because of that, I ended up sleeping with another one of her sisters, Sarah. There’s nothing special there, just a one-night stand. Although I didn’t perform as great as I could’ve and I wish to redeem myself, there’s nothing more there.

Eventually, I ran into Alecia, and I asked her why she ghosted me. She told me it was from what she heard about Alex and I. I tried telling her to give me a chance to say my side, and although she agreed originally, she never followed up on it.

I hadn’t felt a way for someone like Alecia since Hannah, and then before that, Alex. It seems like I always find a way to mess these things up, even if it’s from 2 and a half years ago.

It’s week 7 of my last semester of college. I feel alone but I’m starting to do what I used to do. Hide the sadness, hide the pain, be a fun person and ride it out. In 74 days, I’ll walk the stage. In 90 days I’ll begin my cross-country cycling journey. After that, well, I’m not sure.

If there’s one thing that I’m sure about, it’s that I need another reset for my life.

I need a fresh start.

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But I've been trying really fuckin hard not to try so hard. Really fuckin hard to just let go. Really fuckin hard not to try so hard. Realized I've nowhere left to go.

And by Eden

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Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

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And if this is what it takes, let me be the one to bear the pain. Oh and if this is what it takes, I'll break down these walls that are in our way. If this is what it takes.

What It Takes by Shawn Mendes

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It should've been us, should've been a fire, should've been the perfect storm. It should've been us, could've been a real thing, now we'll never know for sure. We were crazy, but amazing, baby we both know, it should've been us.

Should’ve Been Us by Tori Kelly

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It's not that I don't feel the pain, I'm just not afraid of hurting anymore.

Last Hope by Paramore

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Spring Sunset, Summer Sunrise

It’s been a little while since my last post... well a lot awhile. It’s May 17th, 12:34 in the morning. So much has happened in the past month I don’t even know where to begin. Some good some bad, it’s just, wow. Where to start?

I guess I’ll continue off the last post, I know I mentioned Rebecca quite a bit, but a good amount of time has passed that I’ve reached the moment of content with how we are. We went to a party together two weeks ago and she opened up to me (drunkenly) how she misses how good friends we were before. It was also the first moment that she told me her and Tyler made out the Saturday before. We reassured our friendship then, that we are still to be friends forever. It was that weekend I thought I wasn’t over her, but as more encounters became evident that her and Tyler were a thing, I just accepted I was. Today, or yesterday evening I guess it would be now, we had a dinner within our large group of friends that we’ve all known since freshman year. She admitted that her and Tyler are gonna try a long distance relationship. That was kind of the end of things for me feelings for Rebecca, I had decided to close that door completely. It may take time for the smokey remnants of thoughts to clear, but it will.

Now I also mentioned Kim in the last post, don’t know why I did, nothing happened, nothing will. Simply put.

As for tinder chick Emily, well, she either unmatched with me or deleted the app, so I didn’t talk to her, then she came up again and we rematched, I messaged, never got a response. So that’s that.

There was another girl that was very faintly in the picture. This girl named Haley, which I guess I got a vibe that she was into me, but then one day, drunkenly, I messaged her asking if she wanted to grab lunch sometime. A few hours later she responded saying that it’s nothing personal and that she just isn’t interested in anything right now. I figured I was wrong then, although I still get mixed signs, or maybe that’s just me. Last night, or the night before last night, Jackie was driving her and some other sisters when I called her to ask her something, and Jackie says, “Everyone says hi... and by everyone I mean Haley.” I thought it was interesting as I actually knew everyone in that car. Like I said, I could be just imagining things, plus I already asked and got rejected, so that’s that.

Now, get ready for the classic Chris moment, there is another girl. This though, is unlike the previous. Her name is Alex, she is part of on the sororities on campus. I met her through my brother Scott, who’s hard of hearing, but crazy fun and really sociable. They’re good friends and one day Scott texts me, around 2 weeks ago, saying that she thinks I’m cute and tells me to talk to her. So, deciding to go against my shy nature and just ignore it, I act on it and message her over Facebook. We start talking and it goes well, and I eventually ask for her number. One day she’s hanging out with Scott in his room and he falls asleep so I walk her out and right as she’s about to leave, ask if she wants to grab lunch. She says yes and so we do one day, and that goes really well. The same day as lunch, she comes to the house again and is watching a movie with us in the great room. Throughout the entire past few days we had been texting like everyday, and it was genuine conversation. Anyways, we’re watching the movie and she is next to me and we almost hold hands but then I freak out because my hands are sweaty and I go to the bathroom to wash them. I come back and her hand is no longer in the same spot. Although I do the arm around her shoulder thing and that works and it was all good for that. I walked her out again and I decided to ask her out on a date, she said yes.

So as per usual, I am freaking out about this date. We are still texting daily and it’s still going good. The date come along and we go to a restaurant closer to downtown. I borrowed Nate’s truck since I didn’t have my own car. After the dinner, we go to the movies. I tried to hold her hand but I could only go so far before it was her move to complete it. It didn’t happen, and thought maybe I fucked up. I drive her back to her dorm, since she’s an RA. I was just gonna walk her to the elevator, but she invited me up. So we get to her room and I’m being awkward obviously. I got the signal though that she wanted me to kiss her, and so I do and she reciprocates. I was still awkward but she mentioned to me she had got out of something recently about three weeks ago and wanted to go slow about it. I said I was ok with that and so we hung out, talked, and made out for about the next three hours. I asked for a second date and she said yes at the time.

Things were going well until this past Wednesday, in which she messaged me saying she needed to talk to me. I knew as soon as I got that message, it was over, that this would be the point in which we cut it off. We talked, and she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship and still wasn’t over what happened with the previous guy. She explained that she never really did relationships (boy don’t I know how to pick em) but this last guy was the closest to what could be called a relationship. Although then there was a party in which he was with another girl, and is currently still with that girl. I understood where she was coming from, it was a first big heartbreak and those are the hardest. She explained that she really really liked me, but wasn’t ready, and that she didn’t want to lead me on. I told her it was ok, and that it was ok, and that she should focus on herself first, and then maybe, if after that, there could be a time when we could try. I knew I wouldn’t be moving forward, and I was devastated, but I didn’t tell her that. This girl was one that I connected better with than any of the previous ones, and I was actually starting to get to know her really well and we had a lot in common and mixed well together.

Things after that were, strange. She messaged me the next day and we kept conversation just as we always did. Then Thursday evening, with still trying to deal with what had happened between us, and then my brothers pulling a joke on me, I just exploded and I broke down again. My depression hit hard. I had to go for a walk and just let it all out. I was talking to her partially when it happened and she was there for me and helped me. She cared truly. Then we go to this Friday night, which we had both been looking forward to for some time as we were both about to see our drunk selves, which we hadn’t really seen yet. I unfortunately was only able to hit a very low level of drunkeness, just barely passing buzzed. The party was just way too crowded, although so many people I knew were there. I was there for maybe 30 to 40 minutes, and the last 20 minutes is when Alex arrived, already tequila drunk. Then the party got busted. I was with her at the time so me, her, and two of her sisters went back to the mansion. It was there we helped take care of Scott a little and while shuffling through the hallways were making out a few times. At one point we were in the stairwell and she told me that it didn’t change anything. It was then that I said “I know, and I don’t care” and proceeded to kiss her. It happened a few times and eventually she went home and we texted the next morning.

Jackie had been telling me I’m gonna get myself hurt by still talking with this girl before the whole Friday night happened. It was a little after thinking about it that I could either avoid the hurt and me and her just be friends with distance, or I could take a risk and do this without a label with a possibility of getting hurt. I had recently reheard Paramore’s song, Last Hope, and it was then that I understood the one lyric.

“It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore.”

I would be afraid of getting hurt, of being rejected, and lately, I’ve come to terms with understanding hurt is there to tell me I’m alive, and that I will make it through. There will always be a small worry of being hurt, but I have to have the courage to pass through it.

Tonight we had an extrabrogranza event and we were able to bring guests, I brought Alex. I wasn’t sure what I was and wasn’t able to do. At the end of the evening, when I was walking her out to her car, she was worrying a little bit, saying she doesn’t want me to think she’s leading me on. I told her I know, and I’m willing to do it as just this, not a relationship, but something along the lines of a friends with benefits thing but not exactly that. She told me that it wasn’t like we couldn’t be in a relationship, but just not now. But we can still hang out and make out as well.

I’ve only ever did a friends with benefits thing once, and it went well. It was short lived but we didn’t really have feelings for each other in that way. This, this will be different, since we both like each other, but aren’t putting a label on it. I don’t know how it will go or how I’ll feel about it as time goes on, but I can’t be afraid of not trying. I’d much rather be able to have her in my arms without the label instead of keeping my distance away while waiting for what may never come. I’m gonna show her that I’m better than the last guy, and that she shouldn’t be afraid of committing to me, and that her heart will be safe.

I guess I’ll have to see how things will go since she will be here this summer working for housing. Also, she will be living in the UC building next to mine, so we’ll be neighbors.

This summer will be an interesting one.

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Spring Cleaning

It’s March 21st, 11:49 PM.

It’s spring break, and I’m still in Rochester. I’m not going anywhere.

Roseball has passed. It was a successful event, everyone had a good time. Rebecca went with Tyler. They were holding hands at one point. It stung. I felt like I was kicked in the chest. But I was busy with other things for the majority of the night. I got to spend some time with my date who is one of my best friends, Ali. Throughout the night, I ended up having a thought if I ever gave Ali a shot. I stopped myself before I got too far into that thought. I already had an issue with liking close friends and I didn’t want this to be another.

Funny because later during the week, we went for dinner and actually discussed her dating guys that are nice, and that she gets the short end by the guy being crazy afterwards. There was a part that was brought up that a guy like me she would never want to lose as a friend, as she couldn’t imagine that happening. It felt nice, knowing that a friend values the friendship as much as I do. It was that confirmation that I knew I would never let myself see Ali as more than a friend.

Anyways, after Roseball, the night went very normal. I went home, hung out with people, went to bed. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Noelle Corrado. She’s part of our duo known as Team Slacker. It was nice seeing her again, even if for the most part she was really drunk.

Yesterday I ended up grabbing lunch with Rebecca. It was weird. I don’t know why, I didn’t bring up Roseball or Tyler or anything of that sort. I just felt tension though as we talked. It wasn’t good. It’s not like we got into an argument as we left or something, but I could feel it wasn’t like it used to. I started thinking how we’d promised we’d be friends forever, and how that promise already felt like it was dwindling. Then, earlier today, I overhear Tyler and Kat talking about a friend of ours, Mackenzie, and her new boyfriend. Then he brought up Rebecca, and said that they both really like each other, but was seeing that going into a relationship wasn’t worth it since she was graduating in a few weeks and heading back to PA.

That was the kicker

I felt betrayed... even though I wasn’t. I had no right to be upset or angry or even hurt for that matter. But it still hurt. I was nearly over her. I just needed like 2 more weeks, and I would’ve been ready.

Then there is the whole thing with Kim, that isn’t even a thing. Why do I make big deals out of nothing? I don’t understand. And this one is ridiculously stupid. It was twice, both involving Nate getting messaged by her. At one point he even told Jackie that he thinks she likes him, but she said no. I ended up having a dream that Kim said she doesn’t and that he’s full of himself. Why is this affecting so much? I barely ever talk to her and don’t know her all that well, but it bothers me.

There’s also, sort of, someone new. A girl from... well... tinder. I know I know, sounds bad, but this isn’t as bad as it sounds. So I have a tinder, and I normally never talk to people on it, but I thought, maybe I should start, and said the next match I get, I’ll message someone. So I matched with this girl Emily, she’s a part of ASA here at RIT. We started talking, and every now and then I’d ask friends for help on what to say, but about 75% of what was said was from me. Eventually I found out that Ty knew her, and she had mentioned it to him that she matched with me. He put in a good word for me like he always does. Gotta love Ty. So at one point I wasn’t sure if the conversation was dying or not and I sent him a screenshot and asked him, and he said to ask her for coffee or something. So I did and she said yes, but had to cancel due to getting a bad critique on a project due the next day, so she postponed until after break where she said she’d let me know when she’s free to meet up.

I had talked to a people like Ali and Rebecca, and they said most conversations on tinder don’t go that long and are that good. Ali said most get boring after a quick while and she just stops responding, even to the guys who seemed decent. She said she was impressed I was able to keep it going as long as I did without it being really boring. She said I got her interested, now just play my good ol’ nice guy card that I naturally have and things should go well.

I was bummed when we had to postpone meeting up. I don’t really know this girl, but she seems interesting, and who knows what will happen. It’s kind of a bad thing, but I’m hoping she’s my next ticket out of this slump I am in for my emotions. Here’s hoping.

In reference to my title, I cleaned and rearranged my room. It’s a symbol mostly for me. I needed change, reorganization in my life and this is a stepping stone to doing so.

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To Find Somebody

It's March 10th, 12:15 AM.

I can feel the sleep portion of the medicine start to kick in. It's nice, being able to forget about the world. Forget about my problems. Not to feel the loneliness. It's back again, not like it had been gone forever, but there have been moments when I didn't have to think about it and I'd be ok for short moments at a time. Of course though, it's never gone for good. I wish it was.

I want to change it. I want to change. But I don't know how. I just feel like it's a dragging, and holding me back. How do you beat it? What do I have to do to get past it? I take a look at my situation, and granted there are things going well. My academics are much better than how they were before and I have a job and I'm saving money. I'm getting pretty good amounts of sleep each night. But the part that isn't going so well is my social aspect.

I feel alone. I don't even want to try pursuing another girl. I have small crushes but that's it. There crushes are having some big force though. I think it's my mind trying to get over Rebecca. It's slowly working, but at a snails pace. I recently had a situation that she was in.

I had asked if Rebecca had wanted to go to Roseball, and she said not really, so I didn't bother. Then Tyler R. asks here if she wants to go, and so she messages me asking if I was ok with it. I wanted to tell her that it hurt that she would reject me but consider going with him. But I knew she had issues with what she was feeling after I told her how I felt. I couldn't tell her how I really felt and make her go through that. So I lied. I said it's not up to me and that I'm ok, and that I'm slowly but surely getting over her.

It's a tough feeling. It kind of stung. But like I always do, I'll bottle it up and forget about it.

Nate has been telling me about his "issues" with girls. He's afraid that him and Laura are too different to work. I think he's just getting cold feet and he should give it a month and see where they are at then. I shouldn't say this, because there might be more than what I know, but I feel he shouldn't complain. He has so much going for him that I don't understand sometimes the decisions he makes. Everyone has their own problems though, I can't judge.

It's selfish I know. To be thinking of only myself. But it's hard not to. It is my own life that I'm living right? I should be happy. But I'm not. Lately most of my joy I have been getting is from the grades I've been getting. That's it. That's so temporary. Other than that. I'm just empty. Emotions don't even feel so much as emotions as they do phases. Phases of activity with different facial expressions and vocal tones.

I recently started seeing something. Something... not good. I started imagining the future again. But lately... I've been imagining myself alone. Growing old by myself. I have never thought of that before. But I have been lately....

I don't know what's wrong with me.

[after-the-explosion-blog]

The Underestimated

This semester has been a shitty one so far. I say that on February 16, 2015, at 5:43 pm. Everything I felt that was moving forward has just crumbled. One semester, all it took were three classes to do bad in, and everything from that point just falls apart.

I'm probably making it more dramatic than it really is. If you've never noticed that, well welcome to my blog. I'm an overdramatic depressed human being. Sorry. I just feel nothing has been going my way. In fact, it's been the opposite. Everything has been going against me.

I can barely be involved in anything because of one shitty semester. I was moving forward, I was going to be on the Executive Council, but instead I get kicked off and brought back to a committee no one gives a shit about. I was going to be involved in our service pageant and be a "pageant dad" for one of the contestants. Instead I get told that I'm gonna be too stressed with planning 5 year and won't have any time so you've been kicked. I work for nearly 20 hours a week because I have more free time than I know what to do with. I took only 4 classes this semester to ensure raising my GPA and have balance but I guess looking at last semester I'm wrong. I thought I was going to be closer with my best friend who I happened to crush on after we opened up to each other about how things were going on in our heads, and it was nice for a moment, but now I feel things are just... strange.

I'm barely able to function. I just feel anger.

I talked to Susie for a little bit over text. We're both having the same problem of not being able to find someone to talk to that understands us. We both were able to pour our problems out to each other and help ourselves, but we're so far now and we just aren't able to. We may have a pretty average friendship, but the closeness in opening up is something unique.

I just wish there was someone here I could go to, but there isn't. Nate doesn't always understand and can barely listen until going off onto something else. Sage is just an emotional wreck and has her own issues to sort out. Jackie always gets into an argument with me as she only pulls facts and that "shit happens" but completely disregards to emotional aspect. Rebecca... Rebecca is one of my closest friends, and she's the only person that I know who has been open with me about their depression that I feel as well. But with how things are now... I just can't put that burden of another person on her.

Some of the things that people tell me why things are a certain way make sense and are true, but I'm not looking to be pointed towards facts. I'm just looking for someone to tell me that although things did not work out, it'll be ok. They'll be there to listen and give me hope. Hope that I so desperately need.

The loneliness has crept back up. And I think... I think I'm just gonna hide myself from the world for awhile. Only be there when I'm needed. Which... I hate to tell myself... isn't often. It's obvious now, that I'm not needed. So why put effort into trying to feel like I am.

I'm just gonna do things on my own now.

[after-the-explosion-blog]

Similar Continuity

It's February 6th, 2:19 in the morning. If there's one thing I've learned in the past years, it's to not devote an entire heart to one person unless you know you will receive there's in return. Because of this, I'm able to crush on one person, but still find others attractive with a potential interest in crushing on them. It's a mechanism I use to not be dragged down when one is not interested in me in such a way. Basically, I bounce back really quick when I crush on girls.

As much as this method helps me not stay crushing on one person long without good reason, it unfortunately doesn't prevent thoughts from the situation poisoning my mind.

One situation for example, which was made apparent to me through someone else. I came back to the house to find Nate, Ben Picard, and this girl, Aliki. Ty was there but left shortly. I could tell from the conversation that Aliki was into Nate, not surprisingly. Nate didn't think so, but both Ty and I thought so. I found out that Ben was into her though. As the night progressed, my thoughts of her being interested in Nate were confirmed. Before I had left, Ben had told me and Joey that he was upset at Nate because she was into him. I couldn't be mad at Nate, he wasn't even trying.

But I felt bad for Ben. I knew that feeling. All too well. I had the same situation with Nate in regards to Rebecca. I also knew it before, with Raul. Prior to that I knew it with Asher and Isidro. Before them I knew it with Christian. The original. My best friend from middle school. It was through him I had friends, that I knew people. Situation went the same way with girls as well.

All these guys were one up from me. But I remained a close friend with them. For no reason. I just... I hate being seen as a lower. And I want to bring myself above, I just don't know how.

What do I do?

[after-the-explosion-blog]

Returning to Normal

It's February 3rd, 2015. I know I haven't written in a long time. I have had moments when I wanted to let out my feelings but chose not to because I felt I didn't need to do so here. However, right now, maybe I do.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I'm partially sad but also just trying to push on ahead. The best analogy is that I'm trying to run a mile in 3 feet of snow. If anyone has ever walked through even a foot and a half know it's not easy.

I'm not as depressed as I was before, but that might be because I've had a few moments along the way where I kind of just shut down and was alone for a bit. I just had time for me and my thoughts, trying to settle through them. I did settle on a few. For example I kind of accepted moving on from my crush on Jackie from ZTA. I accepted my failure that came from this past semester. I accepted that I may only have one true friend back in California. I accepted these, and to an extent, I am content with them.

I guess lately what has been bothering me the most are a couple things, and for once, not all are about a girl. One is though. (duh)

One of the biggest hits I've taken recently was the removal of my position in my fraternities executive council. Our executive council, or EC, is the group of 7 that pretty much run the inner workings of our chapter. I was selected as Historian since I pretty much already did all he is in charge of beforehand, but now I will be a part of the fine details that could make some huge impacting changes to the chapter. Unfortunately, I was removed before I could even start. My grades from the Fall semester were horrible, to the point where I almost got suspended from the school. Because of this, our Advisor and our President thought best that I focus on academics, that and one of our National Organization's laws state that with my GPA I could not be a part of the EC. I was devastated once I was told about that. So much that, well, I actually cried.

I know, it sounds stupid right? But it wasn't, because it was the first time I ever held a leadership position that had a lot of responsibility. I remembered my 8th Grade History teacher giving every student an award at the end of the year, and mine was "#1 Future Leader". I always looked back through high school an early college thinking she must have gotten it wrong, I wasn't a leader. Then this opportunity arose, and I prepared and made plans and was ready to make an impact on this chapter. But it all fell apart and crumbled to pieces. I felt horrible, and just wanted to drop everything I was involved with in the chapter. As I cleared my head up, I knew I couldn't just do that. I had to try again. So here I am, trying to climb back up to the top again.

The other thing that has me feeling all strange has to do with my friend Rebecca Nolan. During the last semester I had developed feelings for her, and then a whole situation with her and Nate arose in which they kind of had a crush on each other but weren't sure, and then I drunkenly told Nate that I liked her and he told me to go for it but I argued against it, because she already told me she liked me as a brother. Eventually after time passed, I decided I would make this different and tell her. I had accepted the three possibilities, the best one being that she did have the same feelings and things would go great. The second, which is a neutral not as great possibility, which is I tell her and she doesn't feel the same way but we remain friends. And the last in which I tell her and things just get awkward and it all changes for the worst.

Eventually, when we got back from winter break, we met up and I told her. She didn't feel the same way and I said it was ok, and that I didn't want things to change, I just had to let it out to get past it. It's here where things get complicated. Over the break and even before, we had made so many plans as friends, and now I feel like they are all gone, washed away from the words I said. I also sense a bit of awkwardness, and maybe I'm overanalyzing, but is it from that? I don't know. What's worse is that it's her last semester since she's graduating early in only 3 years here. I don't know what will happen after she's gone. We promised we'd stay friends and keep in touch. But will that happen after what I told her?

There is an optimistic side to this though. Rebecca wasn't the first best friend that I told I liked. Susie was, and me and Susie are amazing friends, probably my number 1 best friend, and even when more than 2000 miles apart, we still are. And it's because of the same promise to stay friends.

It's a strange standing that I'm in. Everything this semester is different. New major, feelings expressed. I'm just not sure of the direction being good or bad. I'm glad I told her though, I now know the outcome, instead of never knowing. Although knowing she doesn't feel the same way does sting a bit. Every time I see her, I feel the sting, the hurt, but I just tell myself, better as a friend than nothing at all. A bittersweet statement.

I'm hoping things get better. I feel the start of this semester was rock bottom, and I can only go up.

Here's hoping I do go up.

Always hoping, and trying.