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afleetingsoul · 2 years

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it's been 8 weeks, I'm not so late, am I?

I wrote this around 6 weeks ago:

can one truly process everything that's happened in the last year? it'll probably take me a year or a few moths, as long as I'm in the shower but I only take around 15 to 30 mins to bathe so, how long would the processing take? Right? So, I can only talk about what I can remember now.

it's been hard. and I'm saying this with a heavy heart. it's been really, really hard. but it is through these hardships that make things more meaningful..

we learn to wish, to pray, to hope..

it is with pain that we learn to seek happiness. we wish for a brighter tomorrow and then we do the same nasty old habits but we wish it still. it took so much just to "try" as you carry the world on your shoulders..

you did so well just getting by.

this 2023, i wish we could dream more...

last year, all i've thought about was

to recover from my weak body to comfort myself from the failures of my career to heal myself from my traumas to fight my irrational fears to recover my dying self-esteem to pity myself and to stop myself from saying I'm dumb at the same time to accept my political defeat to fight myself from admitting I was lonely to understand what I have been underestimating - that I can handle the overwhelming freedom I was granted with the day I moved in a strange, new place to feel comfortable in my own skin, my (god awful) problematic skin to make myself useful enough to the people I hold most dear to get out of my head to make ends meet to get by

and then, i think some more

how time flies how my future will be how I'm going to die how I'm going to die alone how I'll never get a step closer to my academic pursuits how I'll always be poor and sad and..

how I'll change the way I think about everything that I've thought about so far how my life will be meaningful and have no regrets when my time comes...

everyone has been talking about how their year has been like a rollercoaster - mine never went as smoothly as up and down. it had a lot of stagnation and rumination. and I'm no good at making analogies but it's been a trip where my vehicle, which missed parts, broke down a lot, and I've lost my ways, I've lost my map, and then found myself at the starting line again.. and at the end of it all, I had to look put together ‘cause I hate showing my true feelings to people; I can only be vulnerable to a few precious friends.

yet with all these "darkness", it was then easy for me to see the light. and I am grateful. I was able to survive the year 2022 because of my people. I know no one’s going to see this but I know, I haven't expressed my gratitude enough so, here is my affection: you have a special place in my heart. thank you for helping me pick up the pieces. you probably weren't aware, I may not have told you about the things that kept me awake at night, but I want you to know that because you reached out, you've made the world a little less hellish for me. life is still worth living - thanks to you.

I love you.

everything is going to be okay. maybe a part of you is saying "bullshit" right now. I might sound insensitive.. ‘cause you're probably in a bad place too. that's fine. I understand how you feel. I want you to know that you're special but you're not that special that you think you are alone in this. so, go. grieve. feel the pain as much as you want. and then, believe it will get better. because it will. if not then, this is just how life is. we're only here for a moment.

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