aesth-eh-tic-anemic-blog

[aesth-eh-tic-anemic-blog]

In that moment I felt everything once again. My feelings for you became stronger than the numbness I have been feeling for so long. Although missing you made me feel like claws were rupturing my heart, loving you formed a shield around it so strong, that all I could concentrate on was the pleasure of what it’s like to feel again. I always knew anything is better than the numbness but I gave up on all hope of experiencing sentiments other than the constant and monotonous beating of my heart, signalling that I’m breathing. Breathing, but not alive. Until that moment it was only the world against me. In that second a door opened and like when Dorothy realised she’s somewhere else, somewhere out of this world. There were colours. I could feel the cool breeze surrounding me. I could sense the atmosphere around me arousing me with every second. I was alive again.

[aesth-eh-tic-anemic-blog]

I always knew.

When I told you I knew what I was doing, I meant it. I know exactly what I’m doing and what it’s going to cost me. I’m destroying myself. Unintentionally, right? Well... that depends on how we look at it and what we would consider intentional. Meeting him was intentional, although I didn’t know what the outcome would be. Didn’t expect much from the situation, that’s for sure. So I guess we can book falling for him, as something I wasn’t planning on doing. Still, it happened. Now we’re going deeper and deeper and there’s no stopping.

As if there was a layer of ice on the top of the ocean. I stepped on it, knowing the risks. I was never assured that the ice wouldn’t break. I took that risk because I trusted my instincts. There was always a chance of this happening, especially because the density of the layer on top was unknown the whole time.

I felt a crack. Still, I walked on. I took another step, feeling more and more neutral. The mystery of the undiscovered potential happenings getting closer and closer fascinated me in a way I can’t describe. Then I felt the unstable ground become nothing under my feet. I fell. Harder than I ever thought was humanly possible. That’s because this wasn’t something ordinary. It was out of this world. I was in the water and there was no going back.

I wasn’t trying to end up in there intentionally. I didn’t try hard to break the ice. I never meant to be immobilised by the freezing cold that awaited for me. So then, what did I do wrong? What was that single detail I forgot to take into account? The realisation hit me as soon as my body emerged inside. I couldn’t swim.

[aesth-eh-tic-anemic-blog]

Heh

[aesth-eh-tic-anemic-blog]

They said to value my childhood because — as with most things — I’ll only realise I never really appreciated it, when it’s over...