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Lost In What You Think Of Me (And Too Confused To Choose Who I Should Be)

Zane always had felt…off. Even after learning who he is, and gaining his memories again of his father, he still doesn’t really know who Zane is. Pixal, or Primary Interactive eX-ternal Assistant Life-form,is an android with a specific purpose in mind: serve Cyrus Borg the best as she can. So when she meets the ninja, specifically one with white like her, she isn’t sure what to do about the new things that swarm her head. OR Zane and Pixal’s evolving relationship with both each other, life and gender, told over the series in a series of drabbles up to season 13.

AN: Hiiii I know I have been dead but I prommy I had a good reason. I was writing this beast of a fic! It's 12,534 words so I recommend reading it on AO3 but you do you boo

I wrote this for the Ninjago Big Bang 2024, with accompanying art from @froginninjago on Tumblr and @caseyjonesisinthehouse on tumblr!

Anyway, trigger warnings include canon typical violence, death (it is a Zane centric fic what you expect?), grief, accidental misgendering, and gender dysphoria

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Zane had never truly felt at peace before. He knew that he had come from somewhere, but where that was remained a mystery to him. He had no memories of who he was, nor did he have any knowledge on who he was supposed to be.

He did not know if he had any enemies in the past, or any friends. He did not know if he had always enjoyed ice cold drinks or if he used to prefer warm ones. He did not even know if his name really was “Zane,” or if that was just a name his mind came up with to deal with the lost memories of who he is. He did not even know if he was actually a male or not.

All he knew was that he woke up in a cold bed, with an elderly woman sitting next to it, in the dead of winter. She had asked him many questions, like where he was from, and what his name was, and why he was there.

Zane could answer none of them.

She gave him a funny look, her lips pursed, but she didn’t make any comments, instead telling him to take a shower and meet her when he was done.

There was an odd disconnect between his mind and his body as he bathed, but Zane chalked it up to not remembering what it was like before he ended up here, and ignored the voice in his mind that said that was not what it was.

The next months were a blur.

Zane was initially put into the orphanage, because he thought he was a teenager, but they kicked him out because he was considered too odd. He didn’t know why they thought that, but he had heard whispers about how he was “a fruity weirdo” and how he should be with the men more than the girls, and how he shouldn’t enjoy cooking as much as he did.

The comments made no sense to Zane, but he never asked for any clarification about them, instead simply leaving the village, for he figured that he should not cause any undue inconveniences on others. The old woman whose home he had woken up in was kind enough to give him a basket full of dried food, things that would last a long time, and warm clothes, no matter how much he insisted he did not need them.

Setting off into the world, Zane made a conscious effort to avoid staying in one place for far too long. He had learnt his lesson the first time: people would tolerate you for short doses, and then proceed to get annoyed at the idea of you existing, for some reason, so you had to leave.

He would stop occasionally at small villages, offering up what work he could do, mostly menial things like carrying lumber or picking crops, in exchange for money or food. At every village, he would eventually get ostracized, though, because he was "odd," just like he was shunned at the first village. And then he would be left on his own, with no real knowledge of who he was or what he was doing.

Eventually, Zane made his way down from the frozen mountains to the valleys, which, while just as cold as the mountains, were rumored to be abundant with natural resources that one could live off of if they were willing to endure the cold. Of course, no one would ever be crazy enough to do that, right?

Well, Zane was already considered crazy, and the cold did not bother him much anyway. He would take his chances.

And for a while, he was alone. He would occasionally pass by travelers trying to get to a village in the mountains, but they were far and few between. All Zane had was his meager supplies, the berries around him, and the few animals that were willing to brave the cold alongside him.

But one day, a strange man found him while he was meditating under the water. Zane was baffled as to what he was doing, but the man simply told Zane that he could come with him and have a place to stay, and in exchange Zane would train under him.

Something in Zane's mind told him he should go with the man, that he should be eager to protect the innocents, so with a nod, Zane got out of the water, and followed the man to his monastery.

~~~~~~

Getting to the monastery, Zane couldn’t help but still feel out of place, but at least here he had a purpose.

He was to be the ninja of ice, dressed in white. He was to defend those who could not defend themselves, as was the ninja way. He was getting better at his shurikens of ice, and at the obstacle course. In regards to ninja training, Zane was excelling.

On the other hand, he was not excelling at getting along with the ninja at some times.

It wasn’t like they were cruel. Not like the others at the villages Zane used to stop at on occasion, that forced him to run away time and time again from their cruelty. No, they were far kinder to him.

But he could not shake off the feeling of being an outsider. Maybe it was from how the others would talk about their families, and how they always seemed to know what to do, and they never seemed to feel out of place in their own bodies.

They didn’t seem to be drowning in something like Zane was.

Zane did try to get close to them. He played video games with them, sparred against them, cooked food for them, but…there was always a disconnect it seemed. Something always felt a bit…off.

The time this was most prevalent was when Cole showed him some of his drawings in exchange for a chocolate cake. Zane admired how realistic they were, with how sharp Kai’s jawline was in contrast to the softer edges of Jay and Nya’s, and how Wu’s hat was so detailed it seemed more like a photo than a drawing.

And then there was the portrait of Zane.

There were none of the curves in Jay and Nya’s portraits, instead only angles. Even his eyes, which Zane always viewed as the softest part of him, were harsh, the pencil lines pressed down so hard Zane wouldn’t be surprised if there were imprints on the other side of the paper. He wasn’t smiling, and the whole drawing was in black and white, unlike the others with colors splashed in.

It was probably as accurate as the other drawings, but Zane couldn’t help but feel a disconnect to it. Like he was looking at someone else’s picture, not his own. His heart ached, and his mind wanted to take the piece of paper and rip it apart and scream at Cole for making a drawing of him that was so wrong.

However, he did not tell Cole this, because he didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so he smiled weakly and said it was wonderful. The smile on his friend’s face barely soothed the ache in Zane’s heart.

—-----

As time went on, the ache in Zane’s heart grew worse and worse. The majority of days it was tolerable, but on some days it was so bad he could barely stand it.

On one such day, he was in such a state that nothing seemed to be real. He was lucky he did not injure himself while he was training, and he didn’t seem to make any large errors in socializing with the others.

When it came time to start dinner, Zane could not find his usual apron, a simple black and red one, but he did find a bright pink one that he thinks Jay got Nya for…something. Zane couldn’t honestly think of why he did it, for all he cared about was that his gi would not be at risk for getting dirty while he cooked with the apron.

Slipping on the apron, Zane felt…odd. The ache in his chest eased up just a bit, and he could breathe normally for the first time in what felt like hours. It was with a happy hum that he cooked dinner.

But when he went out, he learnt that no, boys do not wear pink, why are you wearing that, is that a joke, Zane? Zane could feel his humiliation build up and the ache come back, worse than before, as he watches his fellow ninja throw the food he made so carelessly.

After that, things seemed to go in a whirlwind. The ache stays all the time now, and Zane is left wondering where it came from.

Learning about his origins, and the fact that he did have a father, who loved his son very much, even if he was mechanical, should have made Zane feel better. Instead, it had the complete opposite effect on Zane, because he was sure that androids, sorry, nindroids, were supposed to be content to follow the programming that their creator gave them. At least, that seemed to be what Jay’s comics said.

But knowing he was supposed to be a boy made Zane feel…hollow. Why did he feel this way? He was to be a boy, so why did that idea make his skin crawl?

There was no room for such questions. So like he had so many times with things that hurt, like the lost memories and the cruel words, Zane ignored the issue. If he did not think about the issue, then he would never need to deal with it.

A perfect solution.

~~~~~~~~

Many months after Zane learnt the truth of himself, in New Ninjago City, in what would be the tallest building in Ninjago, another nindroid was being awoken in the workshop of Cyrus Borg.

Her name was Primary Interactive X-ternal Assistant Life-form, or P.I.X.A.L, or as her creator called her, Pixal.

Cyrus had built her a brilliant silver, and no detail was overlooked. She was average height for a female, and her clothing was a homage to the female rulers of the past, to remind them of all of those that came before them. Even her hair was amazing, with each strand a special blend of metals that made it flexible, yet able to hold a shape.

She was perfect. Cyrus had spared no expense for her build, and it showed.

Pixal was Cyrus’s sixteenth attempt at an assistant, and while she no longer had the issues of overheating like her predecessors, there still were issues with the artificial intelligence enhancer-emotion suppressor chip. Cyrus wasn’t sure how to fix this, however, so he simply left it as it was because quite honestly everything else seemed…perfect.

She was a dutiful assistant, as Cyrus programmed her, able to do anything he requires from her. Not that he asks for much, but it is nice to see her succeed. Like a parent might feel, he supposes.

The main issue is her lack of emotional understanding. She seemed to struggle with the idea of being her own being and not an object of Cyrus’s. But he can only be patient, and hope that the AIE-ES chip will soon be repaired so he can fix the issue.

After all, there was only one incident in which her lack of emotional depth caused any real issues, and that was quickly solved by some of the human employers.

Cyrus was sure everything will be fine.

~~~~

Zane wasn't sure what he was doing with himself when he found himself a teacher after the Overlord was defeated, and he and his brothers (for they were brothers now) were left powerless and Lloyd was gone.

He knew why Wu gave them the job of being teachers at his academy, despite none of them having any qualifications: he wanted them to have something to do, instead of wandering around aimlessly. Even if Wu said it was to have some extra help in preventing their students from getting into mischief, Zane knew better.

But being a teacher was not without its challenges. His students, former pupils of Darkley’s School for Bad Boys, were unwilling to listen to him when he taught. They couldn’t be reprimanded for long, for they did not fear the consequences. And he had no clue what he was doing, for a 6-week course was not enough to teach anyone, even an nindroid, how to be a teacher.

It did not help that being called “Mr. Zane,” made something in him hurt. He had no clue what it was, because all of his operating systems were functional, and none of his research or questions to his family could give him answers.

The ache reminded him of when he asked his father if he could modify Zane, because Zane was both terrified of having his memories removed and of having that longing in him for the rest of his life. But he only told his father of the fear of his memory being lost, because it was too hard to explain the odd feeling he felt.

But his father, the man he desperately hoped would understand, told Zane he was perfect. “I could never make you any better than you already are,” his father had said.

His father could not fix him, and he would not offer Zane any advice on how to fix himself, even on his deathbed. Zane never felt so helpless as he did when he heard his father take his last breath, on that hospital bed.

There was no time for grief, though. There never was. So Zane simply picked up the broken pieces and moved on, even if it felt like he was drowning in honey.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Meeting Zane was…odd for Pixal. He was just so human-like. He did not seem to mind being out of date, when Pixal knew if she ever got that outdated she would most likely be decommissioned.

She did not understand why she had scanned him, but she did feel…something in her system malfunction when she did. She could not understand what was the issue, so she made a note to investigate and do a diagnostic later on.

However, a diagnostic was unable to be completed, for she suddenly could not control any part of herself. She found herself moving along to the commands of the Overlord, who was somehow, against all logic, still there, and able to force Pixal to do his bidding.

Pixal could not stop herself from attacking the children, when logically she should never do unless entirely unavoidable. Logically, making copies of Zane for an army was bad, but nothing she did could stop her body from doing it. Making a body for the overlord was a terrible idea for the fate of ninjago, but she could only watch as Lloyd got his powers drained out of him.

Everytime she tried to go against the Overlord, she got the same error.

REQUEST DENIED. FOLLOW OBJECTIVE CHECKLIST.

If Pixal could feel, she would feel despair.

~~~~~

Zane wasn’t upset about being left behind at Garmadon’s monastery. He understood that the ninja needed someone to watch over the Techno Blades, and as the one who required the least amount of sleep, Zane volunteered for the job. But that did not mean that he was not lonely, all by himself.

He did not like being by himself with his thoughts. It let the voice inside of him, that whispered that being called a brother was wrong, grow too loud to ignore. And all Zane could do with that voice was ignore it.

In a weird way, he was grateful for the chance to fight something outside of his mind, even if he was annoyed that the nindroids ambushed him. Well, he was with most of them. Pixal he was glad to see, if only because she was so much like him.

When he used his technoblade on her, he did not expect to free her from the Overlord’s brainwashing, nor that the way to defeat the overlord was to use the technoblades to erase the Digiverse entirely. But he supposes that is just how life is when you are a ninja.

When they get onto a circus truck to get to the city, in order to avoid suspicion, Pixal offers to repair Zane. Zane sees no harm in letting her, even if he did not like being repaired. but quickly regrets that when she pokes at his heart. It hurt, but different from the ache he was used to. It didn’t feel wrong, it simply hurt. A blinding pain he wished to never feel again..

Pixal was apologetic, though, so Zane forgave her for it. He then tried to answer her question about why he was so different from others, but he had no satisfactory answer.

He was just different. Being different was something that Zane had gotten used to being.

However, being different did not make it any easier to hear Pixal tell him they were compatible as she powered off, nor did it make the guilt he felt go away at being the reason she powered off.

~~~~

Everything after receiving Zane’s power supply was a blur to Pixal. She somehow could feel so many more things she could have never imagined. She felt a connection with Zane, unlike any she had ever felt.

She also felt an odd sort of thing, that made her want to be Zane. She had chalked it up to having half his heart, which surely had unforeseen results.

But she felt…freer than she ever had when she was fighting with him. When the ninja called for Zane, she wished she was Zane. She felt more like Pixal when she was with Zane than without him.

(A part of her wondered if she wanted to be Zane, but that was preposterous. She was programmed to be Cyrus Borg’s female assistant, and not a piece of her code was to make her want to be a boy. It was simply illogical to feel this way.)

Her creator did not seem to understand what she meant, however, when she tried to explain what she was feeling. And it was not like she was able to explain any farther, with the nindroids coming in to attack.

What happened next would be something Pixal wishes she could save in her memories as low quality screenshots, rather than the high quality videos they were.

The ninja were sent to the digiverse. The Overlord almost defeats them. Wu tried to destroy the system. Her father was taken. The ninja were sent to space. The ninja came back.

But one moment she will keep in her memory files as clear as she could was Zane sacrificing himself.

He had grabbed onto the Overlord’s armor, and she knew that unless he let go of it, Zane would be dead. And he did not let go.

“Go, ninja, go!” Those were his final words. The words that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

For the first time ever, she had sobbed. Great, gulping tears that she could not stop, no matter how hard she tried. Because the one she was compatible with, the man she wished to be, was gone.

The funeral was locked under as many layers of security as Pixal could find. She never wanted to think of that again.

Pixal missed Zane.

~~~~~

When Zane made the decision to sacrifice himself, it was not entirely made out of pure selflessness.

Instead, he had done so partly because he wanted the constant ache in his soul to go away. He knew what would have happened if he did not let go of the overlord’s armour. He knew he would die.

Logically, he was aware of the fact that his family would miss him. If he had not made a backup of his consciousness on Borg’s computers, so he could rebuild himself from scratch after the deed was done, he might have hesitated.

But he did not need to hesitate. He would come back. Dying would not be a big deal because he would come back.

(One would say that one looks for what they can not have. Zane did not like to think of that quote. It hurt a bit too much, especially as time passed on.)

When he found himself existing only on Borg’s computers, he found himself overwhelmed with the choices he had for what his new body could look like. He decided that if he was going to rebuild his body, he would do it right.

While some might say he should have left his body just as it was, Zane could not help but wish that it was more like Pixal’s body.

It was odd to think this, he knew, because boys do not want to look like a girl, but he could not help but want to look like Pixal. So he took a look at the prototypes for her, and the designs for the evil nindroids, picking and choosing what he wanted.

The time he spent in the modelling app was…informative. It allowed Zane to design his body to what exactly felt right to have.

In the end, it ended up being softer, smaller in a way. Where his hair was ramrod straight in a way, he let it have a curlier nature to it, similar to Cole and Jay’s. His shoulders were no longer as pointed, nor were they as broad. His feet were a bit more narrow, with soft curves. His hands were long and elegant, like piano players were.

Zane wanted to be soft for once. Not cold or calculating. He was still a man, just…a bit more soft.

(A part of him wanted to be soft like a girl but that was preposterous. Zane was a man. That was what he was made to be.)

When he sensed Pixal in the mainframe, he did the only thing he could think of: call out to her and start the manufacturing process, even if everything was not perfect.

“We're all different, but I don't feel so different around you.” Those words rang out true in Zane’s chassis as he spoke them through the computer speakers. He did not feel like an outsider with Pixal, but rather felt a kinship with her, most likely because of their shared experience of being nindroids.

“You are vital to me.” Without Pixal’s designs, Zane would not have known what to do with his own rebuilding and remodelling. She also gave him hope that someone out there was like him. She was the one he looked at and went, “I want to be your friend, because you look friend shaped.”

He smiled when he saw Pixal had run into the factory, and asked, “Are we compatible now?” because that was what she had told him, and before he had doubted that because she had claimed he was out of date. But now not only was he going to be up to date, he was going to no longer ache as much.

But just as the machines started to build him up, Zane felt someone overtake the systems. He could feel someone add weapons to his body, add systems he did not want to have, take away the modifications he had made and put his old body frame back.

He tried to scream, but before he could make a sound, he felt himself shut off.

The last thing he saw was Pixal, screaming and fighting as hard as she could. But with half of Zane’s heart, she could not fight as well as she could with him.

~~~~~~~

Pixal did not like to dwell on the circumstances that had led to her being uploaded to a computer in a dingy dungeon, her dismantled body just in view. She was sure if she thought about it too hard, she would end up giving herself a virus or whatever the nindroid equivalent was for a human migraine.

But she could not deny the facts: A man that her systems told her was named Ronin, had dismantled her and took her to an island along with Zane, where he seemed to be dazed and confused. There were very few moments of awareness from him, and Pixal was very sure he had lost all of his memories.

She had heard his screams as a monster, Chen she heard was his name, took his elemental power. She was not even aware that Zane still possessed it, but he did, or at least Chen thought he did.

Pixal did not hate very easily, but she thinks she could make an exception for the monster that was Chen.

The guards had talked about using Zane as bait to make the ninja come to the island, in an attempt to also steal their elemental powers. For what, none knew but Pixal knew that the ninja would come to save Zane and none of them could have any idea of what Chen was doing.

The computer did not have any sort of clock, and there was no real sign of time changing aside from the guard shifts, but 21 guard shifts later, Zane started to whimper. Pixal called out to him, wondering what was going on and risking her existence to comfort Zane, who, if she could love anyone besides her creator, she would love Zane.

Zane had quietly whispered that it was just a dream. Pixal had always wondered what it was like to dream, but when she had remarked this aloud to Zane, he did not know who it was speaking.

If Pixal had a heart, mechanical or bloody, she would have sobbed. He did not remember who she was. Zane did not remember who his family was, or that he was the elemental master of ice.

But then he asked if Pixal and him were compatible, and Pixal could have sobbed, but instead she just replied, ”Yes, Zane. Yes, we are.”

Eventually, she managed to get through Zane’s head that he needed to free himself, and together, with her limited knowledge of what exactly Zane was doing, they started to work together to get Zane out.

Although, admittedly, she did not expect for Zane to have a saw now. She did not recall that as part of his original design, so it must be a new addition from when he rebuilt himself.

When he eventually got into Pixal’s cell, she wished she could take away his hurt. She knew how much it must have hurt to see her like this, as scrapped parts, only her hard drive functional. It hurt seeing herself like this, but she had made acceptance.

That is why she told Zane to go on without her. With her, Zane would be slowed down significantly. He would not reach his goal if he was focused on her. Logical dictated-

Or Zane could just…put her hard drive in his neural drive, and input her into his hard processor. That also worked. An ingenious move by him, but Pixal did not expect anything less from the one whose heart she also shared.

She had access to every system Zane had, and she had no doubt she could be of much help as she was pretty sure he had no clue what he was doing with it-

Something poked them in the back. A taser. The body was powered off.

~~~~~~~~~~

Zane had to admit, having Pixal in his head definitely took some adjusting. Not because it was an unpleasant change, but because he had never had to share a headspace with someone before. Although he doubted many others can say they have had to do the same, so he will cut himself some slack this time.

One upside to sharing a mind, however, was the fact that Pixal was incredibly helpful in helping him out with navigating his new body. If it was not for her, he would not have known that he even had explosive shurikens! Pixal really was amazing.

And she was much smarter than Zane, which he greatly appreciated. He usually listened to her ideas, because when he didn’t…

Well, he found himself on the ground of a cave.

“Perhaps I should have listened to you,” Zane groaned as he pushed himself up, trying to regain his bearings.

Pixal huffed. “Perhaps is an understatement.”

Zane would have responded with a snarky reply, but suddenly he sees the Titanium Dragon. The one from his nightmares. The one that had been his thoughts since he woke up.

Someone was talking to him. Pixal was talking to him, but Zane couldn’t hear her, instead feeling his breath quicken. It was going to eat his head, and he couldn’t stop it! No amount of ice made it go away. No amount of cold made it back off.

He didn’t want to die. He had died, and while he might not have regretted doing it in the moment, he had caused a rift in his family and made everyone upset with him. and he was still in the wrong body, and he isn’t Zane that died but a new one, a fake one.

“You used to have a dragon,” Pixal told him, but Znae didn’t remember that. He didn’t remember anything of his past. Nothing that happened to the old Zane affected him because he didn’t remember it. He was just a replica.

And Zane was so so so afraid. The original Zane would never be this scared.

Pixal was talking again. Zane had to focus so hard on what she was saying. “Close your eyes,” she commanded, and Zane didn’t understand why she asked him to do that but he did.

The ice dragon was so loud, even when Zane couldn’t see it. Pixal asked him what else could Zane hear, and all Zane could hear was his thoughts telling him that he isn’t the white ninja, because the white ninja never felt this out of place in his own skin, never wanted to rip it off, never wanted to be something completely different-

“Who are you then?” Pixal’s voice, calm despite the franticness Zane knew she was feeling, broke through his thoughts.

It took more effort than Zane wanted to admit, but he eventually was able to choke out, “I am…the titanium ninja.” That didn’t encompass everything he was now, but he could barely care about how accurate his words were when he heard the fierce roars stop.

The dragon wasn’t…the dragon was not real. Zane opened his eyes slowly, hopeful that the monster that haunted his nightmares was gone.

Instead of a fierce dragon, roaring and making something in Zane ache, there was a sleepy dragon, curled up and purring. He had a vague memory of a dragon in his past named Shard that this was very similar to.

Gently petting it, Zane whispered, “And you are not here.”

“Anxiety levels are going down,” Pixal announced, but there was still franticness in her. “But your elemental reactor levels are going up-”

Before Zane could hear the end of her sentence, Zane felt a cold feeling encompass him. Unlike when he died, however, this was like coming home. Like this was who he was meant to be.

When the feeling faded, Zane could form a dragon.

~~~~

Being in Zane’s brain took some getting used to. It was similar to being a computer, Pixal thought, only she couldn’t seamlessly take control of Zane at any given moment. Instead, she had to go around his coding if she wanted to do such a thing…

Not that she would ever do that without his permission, but Pixal would have liked to have that option available sometimes. Especially when Zane was being especially idiotic.

Something that Pixal enjoyed about being in Zane’s brain, however, was simply the sensation of being in Zane’s body. While Pixal may not have any control over it, she could sense everything that his body did. And she will admit, she found a particular sense of peace in Zane’s body.

It wasn’t how the others treated him, or how he had ice powers, or anything like that. No, she found peace in other ways, like in the sharpness in his jaw, or the way he had large hands or in his broad shoulders with a flat chest or his height.

The things that defined him as a man. The things that made one look at Zane and go, “yes that is a man.”

Pixal knew that there was nothing wrong with being a woman. She is one, for gods sake! She just…appreciates the things about Zane’s body that make him look like a man.

It is a persistent thought, but she ignores it most of the time. Pixal does not have time to deal with this, and besides she is more useful being an assistant to Zane in his head, and if she gets too caught in her thoughts, she can not be as helpful to Zane.

Another thing Pixal likes, though, is being able to talk to Zane as much as she wants to, within reason. She knows it is silly, and illogical, but talking to Zane is just so interesting. He sees the world the same way she does, quite literally, and they tend to have very fascinating conversations.

Their conversations can range from why they were created to how similar they are to large language models to why AdBlock restrictions are irritating.

One day, after Jay had suddenly declared a ban on saying “I wish,” Pixal and Zane had a conversation that was probably the most deep and most meaningful out of them all.

“If you could have three wishes granted, what would you wish for?” Zane asked as he cooked dinner.

“What do you mean? And you forgot the salt,” Pixal replied, trying to figure out if Zane had forgotten anything else. Her boyfriend was prone to doing such silly things like that.

Zane put the salt in. “Thank you, and what I meant is if you were given three wishes, but you couldn’t wish for love or more wishes, what would you wish for?”

Before Pixal could properly formulate a response, she was responding. “I would wish to look like you.”

The spoon in Zane’s hand clattered to the ground. “I beg your pardon?”

“Then beg,” Pixal quipped back, before pausing, contemplating what she should say.

Should she tell Zane the truth? Tell him the rightness she had felt in his body? Tell him how it felt so so so good to be in his body? How, while her old chassis didn’t feel wrong, it wasn’t right?

After running 21 “if-then” scenarios, Pixal concluded the best course of action would be for her to inform Zane of this after dinner. “I will discuss this with you after dinner, if you wish. But for now, please keep an eye on your cooking. You’re gonna over cook the rice.”

Hurrying to remedy the error, Zane whispered, “I will be talking with you about this. I wish to understand what you mean.”

And that was why Pixal loved Zane so much. While many others would have left it after the first sentence, Zane clarified his intent behind his actions, rather than letting anything linger. Pixal appreciated the good communication immensely.

During dinner, Pixal noticed Zane was quieter than usual, only talking about 7% of the time rather than the usual 39%, but none of the other ninja seemed to notice, too focused on making fun of Kai’s latest piece of fan mail for some reason Pixal was too distracted to figure out.

After 34 minutes, dinner was complete and the kitchen was cleaned, and the rest of the ninja went off in their own direction to relax after dinner. Except Zane and Pixal.

When Zane laid down in his bed, Pixal was tempted to shut him off, simply so this conversation would not happen now. But eventually it would, and delaying the inevitable was illogical.

“Pixal?”

“Yes Zane?”

“What do you mean when you said you wished to have my body? Was there something wrong with yours?”

Pixal loved Zane so much. Sometimes Pixal wondered if he ever had a thing called tact, with how bluntly he asked questions sometimes.

But a question he did ask, so a response he earned. “...there was nothing wrong with my old body.”

“Then why do you want my body?” Zane’s voice was glitching, the numerous logical scenarios he was running overwhelming his systems. Pixal hated when he did that, since it made it so his systems run slower, making her slower. But this time was one where an exception could be made.

It took Pixal a while to figure out what exactly was the correct thing to say here, but Zane was patient, as always. Even when he was dying to know the answer to his question.

“...I suppose the easiest way to put it is that it feels…right to be in your body. Not to say that mine is bad but…” Pixal couldn’t explain more. There was more she could say, but there were no words she could find to explain.

Thankfully, Zane did not push. “I understand. I…If I were to make a body for you, would you like it to be based on my current design?”

“Yes.” Pixal had never been so sure of anything in her (his) entire life before. “I would like that a lot.”

Zane hummed in thought. “Thank you for informing me. Now, I believe it is time for us to rest, don’t you?”

As much as Pixal wanted to protest, to keep talking to Zane, the need for a cache cleaning was becoming too much to ignore. The numerous scenarios Pixal had performed made her (his) system laggy, and Zane was surely in a similar state.

So together the two nindroids powered off for the night, not thinking much of the conversation that had just occurred.

—-----------

Over the next few weeks, Pixal couldn’t get that conversation out of her (his) head. It was like a bug had infested her programming, preventing her from doing anything productive because all she could think about was this stupid bug.

Because no matter what she tried, she could not get the idea of Pixal being a man out of her mind. She knew it was ridiculous, that Cyrus Borg designed a daughter, that Pixal was Zane’s girlfriend, but…

The idea of having a male body, of being referred to as mister and sir? All the things that people associated with masculinity being associated with Pixal?

Something in Pixal wanted that. So Pixal did research. A lot of research.

And…Pixal realized that others felt this way. Guys who were trapped in a girl's body. Woman in a man’s body. And so, so so many more.

Pixal was a boy. And he didn’t want his old body back.

It was hard to not tell Zane all of this, all of what Pixal had discovered. But Pixal had run 42 “if-then” scenarios, and if Zane did not take this well, the chances of Pixal being left on her own devices, inside a computer, so he would not change so drastically, were too high for him to risk.

So he kept quiet about what he had discovered, and his desires for a body of his own. The conversation was deleted from Zane’s memory drives, so he did not ask anything more about it from Pixal. And Pixal tried to keep his desires hidden, ignoring them as much as he could.

He was more useful in Zane, anyway. THis was for the best.

Until one day, he was not.

—-----

Not being able to inform Nya that she needed to realign Zane’s neural inputs, not give him a new binary power core, made Pixal feel…useless. Sure, he could figure out what was wrong with Zane, but not being able to communicate it with anyone besides Zane was frustrating. He often had what he thought were excellent ideas, but unless Zane deigned to inform the others about them, or follow through with them, no one knew about them. And if no one knew his ideas, then Pixal was as good as useless to the ninja.

There was only one true solution to this predicament: Pixal must build himself a brand new body, one with better combat experience than his old one, so he can be as useful to the ninja as possible.

And if it gave Pixal the chance to have a body that was right, according to the image he had created in his processor? Well…that was Pixal’s secret to keep.

Hacking into Cyrus’s computers was simple. Startlingly so. Pixal made a note to inform Cyrus of this after he had completed what needed to be done.

It was honestly so simple to rebuild his body. Pixal had spent hours fantasizing about creating a body that was exactly to his liking, with combat capabilities and a masculine appearing figure based on Zane’s design. All Pixal had to do was recreate the image in the modeling program, and hit the start button on the machines to initiate the building process.

Uploading his hard drive info was a bit more challenging, due to him falling behind on uploading it to the cloud network that Borg utilized for all projects, but eventually Pixal managed to upload all necessary data to a spare hard drive. He triple checked that he had all memories on it, for he did not want to end up like Zane, with memories that he didn’t remember, only heard about.

When all was complete, it was time to disconnect himself from Zane’s systems. It was both somehow terrifying, bizarre and freeing all at once. No longer did Pixal have the sound of Zane’s thoughts in the back of his mind, able to be tuned into if Pixal truly wished to. No longer did Pixal have knowledge of everything Zane did or could do at his fingertips. No longer did Pixal feel stuck in a body that was not his in any way.

Instead, Pixal could insert his hard drive into his new chassis, and reboot himself. The process was rather slow, taking 4 minutes and 32 seconds, as to be expected for a hard drive that had large amounts of data on it that had to be preserved, and for a brand new chassis that needed to have all systems a-go.

But then, the moment he had been waiting for so long finally happened.

Pixal opened up his eyes, and took in the assembly room properly, not through a camera or Zane’s eyes, but his own. He flexed his fingers, strong and big, perfect for attacking others or inventing things. He flipped his hair, still long like in his old design for he didn’t want to look too similar to Zane. It was styled differently, now with most of it hanging down with only a few layers pulled back to keep them out of his face. He ran his hands over his armor, glad that the printing and the materials came out just as he had designed.

The nindroid just sat there, admiring his new body. It was sleek, elegant, and cool. And it was right. Every detail Pixal had designed felt right. There was no odd feeling anymore, like something was off. There was no need to tear off his plating because surely something must be wrong for it to feel this bad.

As Pixal sat there, an ugly thought arose in his head: What would Zane think?

Would he be thrilled? Glad that his once-girlfriend found peace in his body? Or would Zane be enraged? Upset that Pixal did such a thing behind his back, and wanted to be a fighter?

Even though Pixal’s heart wanted it to be the former, the logical scenarios he was running pointed towards the latter as the most likely scenario.

Zane would be furious if he heard what Pixal did. That was what would happen if he found out.

So Pixal simply just had to ensure he didn’t find out. Only how…

Suddenly an idea came to him, that was so stupid it might just work! Be Samurai X!

It worked for Nya, from what Pixal could gleam from Zane’s memories! It would surely work for Pixal as well, right?

With that plan in mind, Pixal made his way to the Samurai X cave, which hadn’t changed locations since the last time Zane went there, when he needed a few upgrades.

Putting on the Samurai X armour, Pixal felt like this plan would work out hopefully. Zane would get over him not being in his head. And when the idea of Zane rejecting Pixal was easier to swallow, Pixal would tell him.

~~~~~~

It has been over a year without Pixal, and Master Wu. A very long year.

Zane wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing with himself, if he was to be completely honest. He knew, logically, he was helping, running all the algorithms and making sure that the others had the supplies they needed.

But a part of him was missing. Pixal had been in his head for so long, ever since he came back in a body that every day felt more and more distant from his mental image of him, and her suddenly not being in it…

Something in Zane was broken. Not physically (he checked), nor was his software broken, but something in his heart was broken. He could barely function at first, when he realized Pixal was gone for good. Zane was able to run the systems she did, was able to do everything she could himself, but it felt wrong.

Pixal and him were a team.

Why did that have to change?

It was so hard to muster up the energy to continue on at first, but it slowly became easier to get through the days without feeling like the world was drowning Zane. The feeling of grief was not one Zane was unfamiliar with. He had experienced it with his father.

Back then, he had already mourned his father once, and he had the rest of his family all around him, and he had his students to worry about. Now, he was missing the man who had been like a father when his own could not be one, and the others did not understand the impact of Pixal’s passing like he did, having assumed for a long time that she had always been gone in a way, because they couldn’t interact with her like he did.

Anger filled Zane at the idea of him being the only one mourning Pixal, but Zane could not allow it to consume himself. If he did, then it just made all of Zane’s own flaws much more obvious, and he could barely think about himself without blue screening (literally).

The only thing that seemed to help was Jay’s idea to give Zane a hologram projector, so he could change his appearance. While Zane did not require such a thing, he did see the benefits to having it. He could assume a human appearance, and he could disguise himself as other nindroids.

Other nindroids such as Pixal…

It was wrong for him to do so. He knew it was wrong. But one night, when he was camping out in a cave, on his way to a temple that might have some answer as to where Wu was, he activated the hologram program and turned on his selfie camera on his phone.

Pixal’s face stared back at him. It was just as Zane remembered, bright white with purple circuits, and a long silver ponytail. Her dark purple tunic was draped across his chest, also a brilliant white. Looking at the face, Pixal’s green eyes stared back.

A sense of euphoria bloomed in Zane’s heart. It wasn’t him, no, but for some reason, in a hologram of his dead girlfriend, Zane felt like he was looking right for the first time in a long time.

He brought up a hand to run through his hair, but the hand just went through the ponytail. The holographic ponytail.

The illusion was dropped almost immediately after that. A sense of shame flooded Zane. What was he thinking? Why did he think that would fix anything?

He would never be Pixal. He was Zane, the master of Ice. A wonderful man, one that most would be glad to call a friend.

Zane didn’t sleep well that night, or for many nights after. The feeling of delight he had felt looking like Pixal haunted his dreams and memories for days, weeks, with no end in sight.

~~~~~~~~~~

That day, Zane and Nya were doing a routine check up on the Bounty’s computer system. The others had noticed a slow down in the system, requiring Nya and Zane to go through and figure out what issue had arisen exactly.

“It doesn’t seem that anyone downloaded any suspect files…” Nya muttered, pulling up yet another antivirus program. “Are there any background programs running that we didn’t check yet?”

“There doesn’t seem to be…” Zane sighed, before frowning at a programs’ name. SXCOMPXB “Nya, do you recognize this?”

Nya leant over, and shook her head. “Never seen it. Maybe that’s what has been slowing this down? Open it.”

Nodding, Zane opened the suspicious file. Was that against what every single technician recommended for internet security? Yes, but when did the ninja listen to common sense?

Never. Even when it was to their detriment, Zane suspected that they would rather burn along with the world than actually listen to advice from anyone besides Sensei-

Shaking his head before his mind could continue on that train of thought. Zane opened the file.

His processor froze when it finally opened. Pixal’s face was staring back at him, just like it was when she was in his head.

“Pixal…” Zane whispered, reverently. He didn’t expect a response. It would be foolish for him to. That didn't mean he did not wish for one, however.

And to his great shock, a voice that was not Nya’s responded. It was Pixal’s. “Z-Zane,” she whispered, a smile forming on her face. “I-I didn’t expect-”

Nya came closer to Zane, staring up at the screen with a scrutinizing glare. “What are you doing? I thought you were lost.”

Pixal blinked before shaking her head. “No, I…I must have uploaded my consciousness onto a computer and the Bounty’s computers must have found them and copied them onto its systems.”

It sounded bizarre but…Zane had heard odder. And besides, the logistics didn’t matter to Zane as much as the fact that Pixal was here again. That he could hear her voice. See her face.

After much talking, Nya, Zane and Pixal came to the conclusion Pixal would stay in the Bounty’s computer, and would be an ally to the ninja. Zane was overjoyed.

He would never require her assistance, but if she wanted to help, he would support her choices. And besides, now he knew she wanted to stay.

“I am glad you are back, Pixal,” he hummed.

Pixal had a smile on her face, but it seemed…off. But it might just be the graphics looking different on the Bounty’s computer screen than in Zane’s HUD. “I am glad to see you too.”

~~~~~~~~

There was honestly no intention on Pixal’s end to come out to Zane as a man. He had his doubts before, but connecting to the Bounty’s systems, and seeing Zane’s face light up at the idea of Pixal as an assistant….

Znae would never accept him. Would never see Pixal as a man.

So Pixal was content enough to stay hidden away, spending more and more time as Samurai X, protecting those who could not protect themselves.

But then his system got hacked. A foreign entity was introduced to it via Zane and….

Pixal felt so helpless, being unable to fight back against the intruder that was inside of him. Felt violated, like someone had exposed everything about Pixal to someone he had never even met before. Had never even heard of before.

All Pixal could do was connect to the Samurai X mech and start flying it towards the bounty, and in doing so, that made everything fall apart around her.

“Samurai X is approaching,” Pixal announced, dread filling up.

Cole nodded. “He must be here to help us!”

If Pixal could swallow, he would out of sheer anxiety. “I am afraid that is unlikely.”

“What? Why?”

“Because my system is overrun.”

Kai hit the table. “You’re making no sense, Pixal. What are you talking about?”

“This would be a good time to make a minor confession.” Pixal glitched, but he hopes his confession got through.

“I am Samurai X.”

There was pandemonium for only a few moments, before all of a sudden, Pixal was unable to control the Samurai X mech. Instead, he was fighting against his friends, and he could do nothing.

It hurt, hearing his friends cry out that Pixal was betraying them, and to hear them call him “she.” There was no time to dwell on that, however. Pixal had to reboot the system to purge the foreign agent before he caused serious damage.

But Pixal was not successful. The reboot was too late. The sword still hit the thruster.

Despite the ninja’s many efforts, they still crash landed. It might have been less damaged than if Nya had not attempted to control the rain, but Pixal didn’t need to be connected to the computer to know that the ship was badly damaged.

As everyone caught their breaths, Pixal made a split second decision. He pulled on his helmet, revealing his new facial features to the ninja for the first time.

“Zane,” he called out, his voice low like it never was when he was in the computer.

Zane turned around in an instant, staring. “Pixal? Is that actually?”

Nodding, Pixal forced himself to keep his eyes locked with Zane’s as Zane came closer. “It is me, Pixal, yes.”

A cold hand grabbed his arm. “What…why do you look different?” he whispered, looking at Pixal, voice glitching from something besides damage.

Before Pixal could respond, Kai yelled, “What about Lloyd and Harumi?”

The ninja and Pixal all froze. The two youngest were still missing. No one knew if they were even still alive.

Zane and Pixal locked eyes and nodded, coming to the same conclusion. There would be time for explanations from Pixal later.

Now was the time for searching.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zane wasn’t sure what to do about the fact that Pixal wasn’t dead apparently, and had rebuilt a body without informing Zane at all.

On one hand, he was happy! He had missed Pixal desperately, and it was nice to have her back!

On the other hand, it was odd to see Pixal so different. Her voice was much lower now, and her body was designed in a way that reminded Zane of his own, or the nindroids from so long ago that worked with the Overlord.

Perhaps she had simply uploaded her consciousness to one of the remaining chassis that were not used for security bots? That would explain the more masculine appearance and voice, even if it didn’t account for the hair.

But those thoughts were pushed to the side, as the two had to first search the surrounding areas of the Bounty for Lloyd and Harumi. Nothing came up, but Pixal was hesitant to allow the others to wander far in the dense jungle, at least without comlinks.

The ninja then had to try to repair the thruster, but it was clear that would be a lengthy endeavor, even if Jay’s reactions were humorous…or maybe Zane’s funny switch was on too high again.

Seeing Pixal’s body relax at the sight of the Samurai X’s mech made the tightness in Zane’s chest relax a bit. Pixal was going to be fine, hopefully.

Hearing that Lloyd and Harumi were alive was an even bigger relief.

The two pieces of good news made the others much more motivated to work on the thrusters, and with Nya there to turn the thrusters on and off, Zane and Pixal could go work on the computer.

Unfortunately, there was not much success with that. No matter what they tried, the computer would not turn on.

“Try now.”

“No.”

“And now.”

“No.”

Pixal’s voice was tinged with frustration, her responses clipped, making Zane frown. “I detect frustration from you, yet that emotion is not needed for this task. Is something wrong?” he asked, hoping to not set Pixal off even more.

Pixal sputtered. “No!” She then looked away, crossing her arms. “Yes!” Eventually, she turned to look back at Zane. “Zane, may I ask you something?”

Zane’s response was automatic, if inaccurate. “You have half my heart. You can ask me anything.” Technically, Pixal did not have his heart, if the hazy memories of Chen’s island were anything to go by, but Zane hoped she figured the sentiment nonetheless.

Pixal gripped the controls to the computer. “Are you upset with me for building a new body?”

“What-No! Pixal, where did you get that idea-”

“You seem upset when you look at me. Was I that much more useful in the computer?” Pixal questioned, desperation evident in her voice.

Zane walked around the computer and grabbed her arm, forcing Pixal to face him. “I…I did not expect you to reuse an old chassis, that is true, but I would never force you to be something that you do not want to be. You did not like being in my head, right?”

“I did not, you are right.” Pixal tilted her head. “What do you mean by an old chassis? I designed this myself.”

Now it was Zane’s turn to be confused. “Well, I know your old body was destroyed, and if you had rebuilt it, I would assume it would be just like your old one, so surely this is just an old-”

“I designed this body to be what I want it to be.”

If Zane could breathe, the wind would have been knocked out of him. “What do you mean?”

Pixal hummed. “I feel…better in this body. I did not like being in my old body, and being in your head…the main reason I tolerated it for so long was because it felt right in a way mine never had. And when I saw an opportunity to create my own…I designed it after yours.”

All of a sudden, a memory that had been deleted resurfaced. Zane and Pixal talking about what would Pixal wish for if Pixal could wish for anything. Pixal saying that Pixal would wish for Zane’s body.

“...I suppose the easiest way to put it is that it feels…right to be in your body. Not to say that mine is bad but…”

“Zane?”

Zane jerked out of his thoughts, and stared at Pixal, realization growing. “Your new body…does it feel right?”

Pixal nodded. “It does. It feels so right.”

“Then I am happy for you.” Zane tucked a piece of synthetic hair behind Pixal’s ear. “Anything else you wish to tell me?” he asked, half joking.

Pixal bit her lip but nodded. “I…You do not have a girlfriend anymore, but rather a boyfriend.”

Zane blinked. “What do you mean?”

“The reason this body feels so much more right is because…I am a man.” Pixal’s voice was quiet, but her words left no room for argument.

Smiling, Zane hugged Pixal as tightly as he could, tighter than he would for any human. “Well, I am glad that I still have a boyfriend. I was worried you were breaking up with me for a second.”

Pixal snorted, pushing away. “Well, you might not have one if we don’t figure out what is wrong with this computer.”

Nodding, Zane went back to his place on the other side, pulling on different wires. “Now?”

“Still no.”

Sighing, Zane went back to trying to figure out what was wrong. He ignored the funny feeling in his heart.

He didn’t want to change like Pixal. He couldn’t.

~~~~~~~

Pixal couldn’t believe how everything changed so fast.

It sometimes felt like just the day before he was still stuck in Zane’s head, stuck as his girlfriend.

But then he was out of Zane’s mind, by his own violation, and he was fighting as Samurai X. He helped the ninja take down the Sons of Garmadon, had fought with the Resistance, and even faced the terrifying Oni.

Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that Pixal had checked five times, he would have assumed his memory banks were damaged somehow, if only for how absurd everything seemed.

(Sometimes, he wished he could, if only to erase some of the reactions he had received after telling people the truth about his identity. Most of them were positive but a few made Pixal shiver from something besides the cold.)

Ninjago seemed at peace for once. No major crimes were being committed, and the ninja were rarely called out by the police to help with arrests.

But then came Aspheera.

Honestly, if Pixal could have, he would have never allowed the ninja to go on such a foolish quest. They should have realized that would end up in disaster.

However, the ninja were so desperate for something to do and it was supposed to be a simple sort of adventure. Not one that ended up with a Serpentine being released from a prison with a vendetta against Wu.

Pixal wished that it just ended with the city destroyed. Wishes rarely came true.

They thought Zane had died. Thought he was gone for good this time. No consciousness was left behind for them to rebuild a body. Not even a wire was left for them to remember him by.

Zane was just…gone.

Or so they thought.

As they quickly learned, Zane was not dead. He was just…in a realm that was so dangerous the First Spinjitzu Master was afraid of it.

No big deal. (That was sarcastic. It was a very big deal.)

Pixal sometimes wished he had gone with the ninja to the Never-Realm. However, he knew that it was probably for the best of Ninjago that he did not go. The multiple crimes he had to stop as Samurai X proved that leaving the realm undefended except by Wu would have been a bad idea.

But it was…startling to see Zane so off. He still smiled and sat with him to do their routine repairs, but there was a distance between them now. A distance formed by the sixty years he spent alone in a realm of ice and cold, as the cruel ruler who forced the subjects into an endless winter.

There were many changes to Zane now, caused by that experience.

Zane would wake up with horrific nightmares, and Pixal would spend hours trying to soothe him, often until the sun had risen.

Ice formed around his feet, either gentle swirls when he was happy or jagged edges when he was furious.

He could barely stand any sort of heat, and would snap at Kai whenever he sparked up even a little bit.

Instead of using his trusty bow and arrows, Zane had switched to a staff. The way he fought with it was both mesmerizing to watch and terrifying to be at the other end of.

Even the ninja seemed distrustful of Zane, referring to Zane as just a teammate and not as their brother, and treating him like he would break at any moment.

There was a desperate hope in Pixal that things weren’t as dire as they seemed. That things had not changed so much that they were not compatible anymore.

He had both dreaded and was relieved when it came to a routine file cleaning. Him and Zane had made it a monthly date night of sorts, sitting in the workshop and going through the memories they had stored for those that they had deemed significant. The ones that would just come back if they hid them for forever.

(They had both learnt that lesson the hard way with the Overlord Virus that had almost destroyed Zane, formed by Zane blocking out the memory of his death so deep inside of him.)

But neither of them were looking forward to this date night. Tonight, Zane and Pixal would have to go through over 60 years of memories of a real life horror show, to determine what atrocities must be retained and what Zane could get rid of.

Zane was nervous when they hooked him up, leaning back in the squishy office chair as per usual. Pixal gave him a smile, and held his hand. “It will feel so much better when you get rid of those memories. I promise.”

Swallowing, Zane nodded. “I hope you are correct.”

“Shall we get started then?”

“Okay.” The response was not loud or enthusiastic, but it was consent from Zane for Pixal to dig through the memories of the Never-Realm.

If Pixal was human, his hands would be trembling from nerves. As it was, his hands were steady as he tapped on the keys, opening the software to examine the memories.

The first memory he booted up was one of Zane with a mech, in a cave. A man was there as well.

“That is Vex,” Zane whispered, clenching his fists.

Nodding, Pixal turned back to the memory showing, hoping a clinical approach would make this much easier.

“Oh, such a pity. You truly have forgotten. You're unwell, my Lord, but do not fear. I will take care of you. It is my sworn duty.” Something about Vex’s words made Pixal want to throw something, but he refrained. Calmness would make this much less painful.

“Your duty?”

“You are the Ice Emperor, the ruler of this realm.”

“I am?”

“Of course. Why look.” Vex handed the Scroll Of Forbidden Spinjitzu to Zane. “Here is your scepter.”

Zane looked at the scroll, before turning to Vex with a frown. “But I am not a man.”

Pixal blinked at the revelation, wondering what Zane could have meant. He turned to Zane to ask, but before he could, Vex was speaking again.

“What do you mean, My Emperor?”

Levelling Vex with an unimpressed look, Zane toyed with the staff. “I am not a man. I am…a woman. And thus I am the Ice Empress, Vex.”

The screen was turned off suddenly, and a sob came from behind Pixal. Pixal whipped around, coming face to face with Zane sobbing quietly, ice forming around him. Her?

Footsteps quiet, Pixal approached Zane and cupped Zane’s cheek. “Zane? What is wrong?”

All he got for a response was incoherent sobbing, so Pixal decided to just climb onto Zane’s lap and hug Zane until Zane felt better.

After eleven minutes and forty three seconds, Zane finally choked out,“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

Sniffling, Zane squeezed his eyes shut. “F-for lying. I-I know I should have told you I pretended to be a woman in the Never-Realm, but I was scared.” Zane’s voice was glitching, presumably from how upset Zane was.

Well, that would simply not do. Pixal cupped Zane’s chin, forcing Zane to look up at him, in the eye. “What were you scared of?”

“That you would leave,” Zane whispered.

Pixal softened and hugged Zane again. “Well, that was illogical. Why would you being a woman make me leave?”

Wrong thing to say. Zane tensed up in his arms. “I do not want to be a woman.”

“So that whole-”

“I do not…” Zane took a deep breath. “I do not understand fully why I did what I did but…I do not want there to be even more changes. The others…they just assume my memory was so damaged I did not realize I was a man, or that Vex made me pretend I was a woman for reasons unknown.”

Rubbing his thumb over Zane’s cheek, wiping away tears, Pixal hummed in thought. He was pretty sure Zane did want to be a woman but…

Pixal remembered how hard it was to fully accept himself as a man. How he had battled it out in his head for months. While he could simply…force Zane to accept herself, it would most likely do more harm than good.

So instead, Pixal just petted Zane’s head. “If you wish, we do not have to f-”

“I want to finish.” Zane sighed. “I have a feeling if I do not tonight, I will end up deleting everything and hurting myself.”

Nodding, Pixal scooted off Zane’s lap and booted up the computer once again. “Okay.”

That night, after watching decades of loneliness and violence and destruction, Pixal slipped into Zane’s bed and laid with her throughout the night, soothing her after the inevitable nightmare.

The experience was bad but it did bring one good thing.

Zane, for some reason, started to be okay with heat and fire again. Kai was overjoyed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Showing Pixal the memories of the Never-Realm was…bad. Zane was sure there were better words to describe it, but she did not want to think of them.

Another thing she did not like thinking of? The fact that the way she figured out what that weird feeling she had been plagued for the entirety of her existence was by becoming a genocidal empress.

Of course, Zane was not going to tell anyone that she was a woman. It was too risky, and besides the others were already wary enough of her as it was after the Never-Realm.

So Zane kept it hidden, never revealing anything to anyone. Not even Pixal, her beloved boyfriend. But in secret…

It was a dirty little secret, in a way. One that Zane tried so hard to keep concealed.

Late nights became research time, where Zane delved into the intricacies of the transgender experience, reading story after story of other women who felt like she did, and were accepted.

Upon learning that some transgender people burnt things that reminded them of their past negatively, Zane gathered anything that made her think of dark and sad memories of her past and set them all to fire.

It should have terrified her, the flames growing larger than her. But she just watched with a small smile at the past going up in flames.

If anyone were to ask, she was just getting rid of some old junk. Not that anyone did ask, but if they did, she would say that. All anyone did was show surprise that she was okay with fire once again, after being so vehemently against it.

Zane might have been able to get away with this secret, but then came Prime Empire.

It shouldn’t have caused anything major to happen. Just another villain trying to take over Ninjago, albeit in an unique way this time, trapping people outside of Ninjago rather than destroying the city.

But then came the detective costume and all the performing that went with it. Zane would admit afterwards that was not as effective as she had hoped, but in the moment?

The act of performing was freeing in a way. It reminded Zane of the anecdotes she had read of drag queens, who found peace in the art.

As the detective, Zane wasn’t just Zane, the ninja. She was a private investigator, looking for clues about Unagami. She was something besides herself.

It was, dare she admit it, fun.

But then the mechanic came and captured her. Captured Zane to use as an energy source to free Unagami from the game.

The pain was blinding. It was one memory Zane wished she could delete from her memory drives, if only because of how much it hurt. The electricity coursing through her circuits was higher than she had ever had felt before, and Zane wasn’t sure how Jay could ever manage to deal with this.

She thought she would die before anyone could rescue her.

When Unagami was released, all Zane could feel was exhaustion. She was exhausted.

But that experience opened her eyes to how��easily she could die. How easily she could have another funeral, and no one would know she was actually the daughter of Dr. Julien, and Pixal’s girlfriend and the ninja’s beloved sister.

In the dead of the night, a few weeks later, Zane, for once, made an impulsive choice. She broke into Borg Industries, and fired up the machines needed to build a new chassis.

The design was hastily made, taken from Pixal’s original design with a few minor changes. The main difference was the hair. Where Pixal had a long ponytail, Zane had two braids, one on each side of her head.

But aside from that, Zane was the splitting image of Pixal when she first met him, just in a ninja gi.

Not long after Zane had transferred her consciousness to the new chassis, the door to the factory was slammed open.

Standing there were her family, and Pixal, looking around for a threat. The ninja looked around, confused.

“Are you sure that there are bad guys with Zane here?” Jay whispered.

“Well where else would Zane be? And you heard the report, there was activity in here!” Kai hissed back.

Zane quickly realized what was going on. They did not realize it was her who was using the machines, and thought villains had taken her to the factory for…something.

Clapping her hands, the lights turned on, and the ninja all turned towards Zane. Shock colored their expressions.

Pixal was the first to regain his composure. “Zane? Is that-”

“It is me.” Zane’s voice was quiet, but it felt like she was screaming in the silence.

Metal clanked against metal as Pixal made his way to Zane, cupping her cheek. “You look beautiful,” he whispered.

“And you look handsome,” Zane whispered back, hugging Pixal.

“Will someone explain-”

Cole cut Jay off. “Looks like we have another sister, Zaptrap. Nice to see you’re not captured Zane!”

“I am glad to not be captured as well,” Zane chuckled, letting go of Pixal to look at her family.

Lloyd smiled. “Yeah, I am too. But…a little warning next time?”

“Yeah,” Nya snorted. “We thought that the Mechanic got you or something.”

Smiling sheepishly, Zane nodded. “Alright. I will remember that.”

Kai yawned. “I don’t know about you guys, but I want to go back to bed. Can we all agree that Zane’s amazing and go back home?”

Laughing, Zane nodded. “Of course. I did not mean to worry.”

“You never do.” Pixal slipped his hand into Zane’s. “My very silly girlfriend.”

“My lovely boyfriend.”

Pixal’s eyes glowed with happiness as they followed the rest of the ninja, who were eager to go back to bed.

For the first time in her life, there was no hole in Zane’s heart, a desire she could not fulfill.

Together, Zane and Pixal walked out of the factory, for once at peace entirely.

#ninjagobigbang2425

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