adventureswaiting - Tumblr blog

[adventureswaiting]

I’m surviving for others

I’m strong for others

I’m happy for others

Mar // I don’t know how to be those things for myself.

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;)

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Food for thought: If I isolate myself and push everyone away then I can kill myself in peace

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someone else: *makes a mistake*

me: don't worry buddy! it is not a big deal! we can fix this! we'll figure it out!!

me: *makes a mistake*

me: i am irredeemable worthless garbage and i want to die

[adventureswaiting]

Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

((ROMANTICALLY OR PLATONICALLY))

1) Tell them what’s real. Have them tell you what’s real. Whether it’s the color of their shirt or how much they are needed.

2) Be there. Just be there. For them, or with them. Sometimes the most calming thing can be laying in bed (or on the floor!) with them in silence. Just having another person with them.

3) The little things means everything. The actual idea that you have taken a second to not tell us, but show us will be something we hold onto. (Personal note: someone very special to me sent me a flower gram at school in February for Valentine’s Day, I still have it.)

4) Reassure them constantly that you love them. Keep them in the loop of your life, even if it’s just a text saying you love them or what you’re up to today.

5) They will think you’re angry with them for no obvious reason to you, and then you’ll get annoyed that they think that. Don’t. Our minds have a way of making us think any and everyone hates us.

6) They will push you away. They’re scared. It is nothing against you. Typically, it means they’re scared of how close you’re getting. This is a great time for hugs (with consent!)

7) They will love you. They feel so deeply and sometimes it’s so, so hard but they will never ever want to be without you.

[adventureswaiting]

Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t being cute and ‘clingy’ and ‘adorably needy’. Being with (romantic or otherwise) someone with BPD isn’t akin to taking care of a pet. BPD isn’t an ‘aw it’s so endearing that they need me so badly’ type of thing. 

BPD is a mental illness that is a conglomeration of several different tendencies and it’s not easy to diagnose. You don’t just decide you have it, just like you don’t decide you’re depressed because you had a bad  day, or you don’t decide you’re bipolar because your mood changes quickly sometimes. Believe  me, you don’t want it.

BPD is turning nothing into everything, is knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless, is suppressing breakdowns for fear of being abusive or of manipulating the person you’re talking to into having to take care of you when they really don’t want to.

It’s thinking someone doesn’t care about you anymore because they made a new friend. It’s automatically registering new people as a threat. It’s a fear of abandonment and rejection that’s damn near omnipresent. It’s being able to shift from ‘I love you so much!’ to ‘I don’t give a fuck, I hate you, I don’t even want to talk to you’ and back at the drop of a hat.

It’s finding identity in a drastic hair change, and then feeling unsafe and desperately trying to fix it before you have to go out. It’s seeing someone you adore and trying to emulate them because you have no idea who you are. It’s waking up and trying to be a new person every day. Go vegan, go goth, go hipster, go glamour, cut your hair, change your makeup, gain weight, lose weight, and never feel quite there. Ever.

It’s comprehending ‘love’ as ‘pity’ and wanting to rip yourself apart if their tone is all too casual when your friend or love interest is returning compliments or affection. It’s regretting saying anything about your mood and desperately trying to turn the conversation around while simultaneously NEEDING to get it out. It’s wanting to bleed yourself dry as opposed to cry in someone’s arms because, at least then, they don’t have to clean your wounds for you. They won’t hate you. They won’t be annoyed. 

It’s the constant battle, every time you get upset, of, “Is this worth being sad about? Is it worth talking about? What is more abusive, talking about this or hiding it? If I tell them I’ll bring them down and I’ll guilt trip them and they will resent me and it will all be my fault. If I don’t, I’m a disgusting liar, I’m manipulative, I’m untrustworthy.”

It’s wondering if you’re faking your symptoms. It’s disassociating and feeling like a ghost for days. It’s feeling like you aren’t real, and then wishing you weren’t. It’s fear, a lack of self, and about a million different thoughts running through your head at all times. It’s trying to live for the people you love as opposed to yourself. It’s feeling suicidal and then feeling bad for feeling suicidal because, whoops, you’re being manipulative. 

[adventureswaiting]

“She saved everyone but couldn’t save herself”

—

[adventureswaiting]

All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary. All of this is temporary.

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What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too. 

[adventureswaiting]

When will you stop being afraid of everything you can be. When will you let flowers grow in the cracks of your soul. When will you understand that those broken parts of you have learned how to sing more beautiful songs than the loveliest of songbirds.

Nikita Gill, You Can Set Yourself Free But Only If You Want To  (via meanwhilepoetry)

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I really hope 2018 is the year you fall in love with yourself

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Needing therapy doesn’t mean you are weak.

Needing help doesn’t mean you are weak.

Struggling doesn’t mean you are weak.

You are not alone in this struggle.  

Your mental health does not define you.

Your ability does not define you

Needing therapy isn’t a weakness.  Allow yourself to reach out and accept the help given to you.  You are not alone in this struggle.

[adventureswaiting]

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let me be your girlfriend and bring you food at 2am because youre sad or just hungry, let me hold you until you fall asleep, let me surprise you with little gifts and road trips. Let me tell you how much you mean to me, use my shoulder to cry on, use my butt to lay on, let me love you like no one else has. Let me give you everything you deserve.

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Being “Raised right” doesn’t mean you don’t drink, party and smoke. Being raised right is how you treat people, your manners and respect.

T.W (via the-perfect-aesthetic)

[adventureswaiting]

i admire people who could’ve turned cold after everything they’ve been through but still chose love anyway. there’s strength in that