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[adlynsyazana]

Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

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[adlynsyazana]

Like an August day

You'll be gone and forgotten

Just fade away like the summer heat

And I'll feel more sane when they mention your name

I'll relinquish your hold on my heart

And my life can begin anew

A life where I get to forget you

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– Noor Unnahar, Instagram account "noor_unnahar"

[TEXT ID: / [Lemons] / My father's mother loved lemons. Years after her passing, / we run out of everything, but never / lemons. / Nothing else shelters grief / better than memory. / It's my father way of saying, / even in your absence, you will be / cared by me. / END ID]

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— eunjin jang, no one writes back

[adlynsyazana]

We're all quite similar in the end. We all get old and tell the same tales too many times. But try and marry someone kind.

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First Love 初恋  Episode 2 - Your Voice - tastes like cigarettes - call it ‘flavor’

[adlynsyazana]

So I am currently watching First Love Netflix 2022

And from that, it made me think.

Of my past relationship.

I’m looking at the show’s portrayal of first love. 

I get what people mean when they say first love is one you’ll never forget because it’s your first.

You’re young. You’re silly. You know nothing. Your emotions are everywhere. And it’s your first. So you have no experience. 

I get it.

But yet, when I look back, there’s a slight anger because I hold none of these memories near and dear to me.

If anything, I have thrown it all out. 

So I’m searching my memory banks to find nothing. Or just very small moments that I can barely remember.

And it hurts.

To know that I wasted a romance with you.

To know I wasted all those years with you.

And yet, I didn’t feel fluttering butterflies in my heart. 

Not a single memory.

But then again, I wonder if this just means I’m good at erasing our memories. Or if it truly shows that you meant nothing to me.

And that’s just so sad. I wasted my youth with you.

But as I think of my youth. The Japanese folks always mention youth. The spring of your youth.

When I think back of my youth, despite disliking high school so much, I always go back to that time. 

To that friend.

To that dear friend that I lost.

Because with her, everything felt bright.

Everything felt possible. 

I was always afraid of myself and she was the first friend that smiled and said, why not? Fuck it. 

And with that, I took the first step.

And everything that I am today, is thanks to her.

Everything that I have become today, have something left behind by her.

She’s the friend that told me to dream. To be ridiculous.

She’s the friend that told me to write. To write so hard that it hurts.

She’s the friend that told me to ignore the world that alienates us so. 

She’s the friend that I created a new world with. A place where we are safe with our favourite shows and writings. 

We wrote and dreamt. And it was a favourite time of mine. It’ll always be a treasure. Even if she’s no longer in my life now.

I do wish we remained friends.

But we didn’t. And what a lost it was.

But it is what it is. Because I’m sure we have grown into our own people. And we probably can’t recognise each other. But let it be known that, whatever I am today, comes from a piece of you. Even if in reality, you disappointed me a tad bit. But I was young then and so were you. As you disappointed me, I’d probably disappointed you too. 

It’s just funny how my friend matter to me more than my ex will ever be.

I just look at my ex. And I just feel like, he left nothing behind in me. He didn’t touch me. He didn’t change me. He didn’t do anything that had any effect. And I just went back to being me. The me before him and I like that me more than the me that I was with him.

If anything, it’s only frustrating. To think that if he met me now, he wouldn’t be able to recognise me. And it’s not like I changed alot. It’s just that, he didn’t know me at all. He wasn’t there for me as I grew. He watched me struggle but he probably didn’t understand it. But I couldn’t even put it in words then so I guess it’s not his fault if he doesn’t get it. But it is his fault for never asking what mattered to me. 

It’s just that, he knew me, when I was younger. And I thought I wanted something and worked for that.

And now, I realised more and I no longer want those. So I want something else. So if he met me now, he wouldn’t be able to recognise me. He won’t know me. The me that I have grown into steadily. Because he met me when I was young and thought that was all I was. When in reality, it was not. I been steadily moving, changing. But I just hide it in his presence because if we knew, we could not sustain ourselves.

And it’s just sad to think, we stayed together so long. And yet, he knew not one damn thing about me. Because everything has changed. And I’m no longer the person he first met. 

Sorry. This got long. I just have alot of thoughts and I wanted to express it. 

[adlynsyazana]

FIRST LOVE HATSUKOI (2022)

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Promotional stills of Yagi Rikako as Noguchi Yae and Kido Taisei as Namiki Harumichi in First Love: Hatsukoi 初恋 (2022) dir. Kanchiku Yuri — November 24 on Netflix

[adlynsyazana]

Hey there sunshine, wanna go grab lunch together?

hey there stranger, it’s weird to accept if i don’t know who you are! 😵‍💫 hahaha reveal yourself

[adlynsyazana]

I blog for the girls who cry on their birthdays and lose a little bit of themselves during the summer months

[adlynsyazana]

This moment in Ep 1 of The Time Traveler's Wife had me weak.

"Marriage. Two people trying to be the person the other one already thinks they are. Love, basically."

[adlynsyazana]

“c'est la vie” is just a fancy way to say “thats how it is on this bitch of an earth”

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“You never loved me”

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the girl you accidentally gets,

the one you settled for,

the second choice.

[adlynsyazana]

i think i’ve been let down too many times that it’s starting to fuck up with my head. i don’t feel enough. i feel used. i feel ugly. i’m actually really fucking tired and i don’t know what to do. i feel crazy in my own thoughts. but i’m okay. i’ll be okay.