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acethetic-attraction · 4 years ago

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An asexual reviews fifty shades of grey

Yes you read that right, I read the entirety, 356 pages, of fifty shades of grey by E.L. James, the first book in the fifty shades of grey trilogy.

Trigger warning: I will be discussing sex, toxic relationships, pedophilia and abuse so it you don't want to read that you can go read something a little more wholesome .

Now, for anyone that's ever thought "oh it can't be that bad, right?" I have an answer: Yes, yes it is really that bad. I wanted to die at just about every page. Not only is it filled with cringy sex scenes and toxic stalking and jealousy, the writing is just very very shit, I've read fanfiction with better grammar and vocabulary.

From here on out there will be spoilers, not that I hope that will matter to anyone, I'm serious please don't read this, I bore this burden so you don't have to.

So let's get started

The two main characters

Anastasia (Ana) Steele

Oh god where to start, she reads classics because she is quirky and not like other girls! Many guys flirt with her but she is so totally unattractive and boring, no one will ever notice her!! (Hint the sarcasm)

She has never felt sexual attraction to anyone, she has never kissed anyone or masturbated, but all that changes when she meets Christian, which is honestly so annoying because it so fits in with the "you haven't found the right one yet" stereotype.

Also she has two "characters" inside of her head, I don't really know how to explain them but they are called the inner goddess and the subconscious. The inner goddess is the voice that constantly tells her to fuck Christian and her subconscious is her commen sense basically. And I have no words for how infuriating it is, as a person that studies psychology, that she is CONSTANTLY TALKING WITH HER SUBCONSCIOUS. E.L. James didn't even bother to GOOGLE THE MEANING.

Christian Grey

So E.L. James asked herself "how could I made worlds worst love interest" and she fucking nailed it. I wanted to hit him every time he opened his mouth. He is possessive and jealous, he literally says multiple times that he wants to hurt Ana just because and he stalks her relentlessly (knows her address, her mothers name and her phone number and tracks it, knows which flights she's on, also turns up unannounced).

The reasoning for him being "fifty shades of fucked up" (yes his words) is that he was sexually abused when he was underaged, he entered a BDSM relationship with one of his mothers friends (again, while he was underaged) and calls this "the only true relationship he's ever had", he is also still good friends with her and doesn't see anything wrong with the situation, he calls her a "good family friend" and gets offended when Ana calls her a pedophile.

Quick summary

Ana lives with her best friend Kate (one of the only slightly likeable characters) and they are planning to graduate soon and move to Seattle and begin their grown up life.

Kate is in charge of the university newspaper, she has to interview someone but is sick the day of the interview and Ana stands in for her. This is where she meets Christian and basically crushes on him.

A bunch of boring shit happens and she goes out drinking with friends, one of those friends is Jose, she calls Christian while she is very drunk basically as a prank to annoy him. Later outside the club Jose tries to assault her when suddenly Christian turns up as the white knight and rescues her, how did he know where she was you might ask, well he tracks her phone.

For the next like 10 chapters he gives her crazy expensive gifts, they have sex about twice every chapter, and he tries to get her to sign a contract where she basically will be obligated to do whatever the fuck he wants, she luckily is quite on the fence about it. Also he makes her sign and NDA so she can't talk about the relationship and she signs it... WITHOUT EVEN READING IT.

Then there is a scene where Christian beats her, and then just fucks off, and later he is surprised that she cried after this happened... after just about every time they have sex she starts crying. He also stalks her some more by tracking her her turning up in random places. Also it is revealed that he has been sexually abused as a minor by one of his mothers friends, he sees nothing wrong with this and is still friends with her to this day....... I just..... I don't even know what to say to that.

Also Kate starts dating Christian's brother, Elliot, who is like a million times more likeable then Christian. Honestly this book should have been about Kate and Elliot because yes they have a lot of sex but also aren't completely toxic.

Ana eventually goes to her moms house to clear her head and contemplate if she really wants something with him, she takes love advise from her mother who is on her fourth marriage but everyone in this book still believes she is some sort of relationship expert, and surprise surprise, Christian turns up unannounced. They have some more sex, he keeps being a toxic fuck.

Eventually Ana is like "hey, I like you, but it's kinda weird that you always feel the need to hurt me, because uhm surprise surprise getting beaten doesn't make me super happy." And he is like "it's not that bad, letvne show you". So after Christian literally beats the fuck out of her Anna gets the sudden idea to leave him... FINALLY. So she basically runs away, but I fear that's just a cliffhanger, because sadly there are another two books.

A handy list of everything I hated

Just a handy dandy list to get my point across.

1. The vocabulary: she uses all these extremely fancy words without any reason, E.L. James really just picked up a thesaurus and went wild.

2. Christian stalking Ana and getting away with it every time because "he's just concerned and means well"

3. THE FACT THAT ANA TALKS TO HER SUBCONSCIOUS

4. honestly everything about that whole inner goddess subconscious crap, it's just a really lazy way to show inner conflict and made no sense

5. That whole Ana has never felt sexual attraction before she met Christian bullshit, honestly go take a long walk of a short pier E.L. James

6. Every guy except Elliot and her dad exists to flirt with Ana and remind her that it is Christian she really wants instead of a dude who is actually nice to her

7. All the sex scenes, but that was expected

8. Christian seeing absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that he was sexually abused as a kid, also the fact that Ana's first reaction upon hearing this is that she is jealous.

9. Honestly I could keep going on for ever, it was really bad.

So yeah that's all I have to say about that right now...... I hope you enjoyed my suffering

#asexual #asexuality #aroace #ace pride #lgbtq #lgbti #lgbtpride

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