ace-and-new-in-town

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Thanks tumblr 💜🤍🖤🤍💚

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Signs you might be aroace!

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Not to get into the ~unmentionable~ but whenever people argue over “cishet aces,” there is a major issue I’ve never seen mentioned. (Or maybe it has been. I try to stay away from that noise.)

Let’s take a cis, heteroromantic ace in a “straight” relationship with an allo. Chances are, the outside world doesn’t know the person is ace unless the person says so specifically. So nothing bad happens to the couple when they go out in public. The ace could keep their sexuality a secret from friends and family and no one will ever know. And it’s kinda hard to see any “issues” the heteroromantic ace will face, dating a member of the opposite sex. After all, they’re practically straight.

What the outside world doesn’t see, and what nobody seems to talk about, is what the heteroromantic ace is going through internally.

Maybe this heteroromantic ace has a high sex drive, along with an interest in having sex regularly. They’re just not sexually attracted to their partner. That’s all fine and dandy. But I’m focusing on asexuals who are in the indifferent/repulsed category. Or, hell, even asexuals who are sex-favorable every now and then, but not often enough. (What I’m about to say can also apply to heteroromantic acespecs- I’m including them when I use “ace.”)

There’s a big chance the heteroromantic ace rarely initiates sex, if ever. There’s also a big chance they’re not interested in having sex as much as their partner is. And if the heteroromantic ace is sex-averse/repulsed, sex is off the table.

Keep in mind, society pushes this message that everybody wants sex. All couples have sex. Anyone not having sex is miserable. A relationship with little to no sex is doomed to fail. You hear this shit all over the place. From puberty through the entirety of your life. This gets drilled into your head. Everybody wants sex and people who don’t have sex are miserable. (Whether or not this is true or exaggerated is a mystery to me and every other acespec out there, but I digress.)

So the heteroromantic ace feels like they have to have sex. If they’re not having sex with their partner, they are making their partner miserable. Their relationship is failing because they don’t have sex. If the allo wants sex, and the ace isn’t in the mood, the ace is going to do one of two things:

1. They’ll “suck it up” and do it anyway.

2. They’ll decline, then spend the next hour or so feeling like a bad partner for saying no. Maybe even worry about their partner leaving them over it.

The allo could be the most supportive person in the world. They can take no for an answer. They never push. Hell, maybe they even have a low libido so it’s not that big a deal anyway.

But because of the constant message that “everyone wants sex and anyone not having sex is miserable,” the ace feels like complete and utter shit. Because they are denying a “basic human need” to their allo partner. This shit gets internalized. No matter how many “I don’t minds” the allo partner may say, the ace is still going to feel like shit.

And this is just aces dating an understanding partner. There are aces in toxic relationships who are pushed into having sex. An ace may already feel guilty for turning down sex with a supportive partner. How do you think they feel turning down sex with someone who thinks they are owed it? Who constantly harasses them about it? And then there are aces who have never heard of asexuality who force themselves to have sex with their partner because it’s “what you’re supposed to do.” This can cause trauma. Heteroromantic asexuals may end up with trauma because of their sexuality. Yes, they can hold their partner’s hand in public with no fear of backlash. But nobody sees what’s happening behind closed doors.

And maybe the (lack of) sex becomes a problem for the allo down the road. Maybe they end up in couples therapy. Maybe they end up with a shitty therapist. Given the whole “sex is vital to a healthy relationship” view the entire world has, who do you think the therapist is going to say needs “fixing?”

And the ace who has never heard of asexuality? They’re likely to be diagnosed with some sort of sex-disorder and sent to a doctor for unnecessary tests and prescriptions. Hell, maybe even the ace who knows they’re ace gets pushed into it too. All because they keep turning down sex. And that needs to be fixed.

Their sexuality is seen as something that needs to be fixed. 

(Sound familiar?)

This circles right back to aces feeling pressured into having sex with their supportive partner. They may fear their supportive partner will eventually become unsupportive if they get one too many no’s. And thus, the heteroromantic ace in a supportive environment may feel the need to “suck it up” every now and then anyway. Because what if their partner that they’ve come to love leaves them over it? Or starts getting pushy because they were fine with it at first but now they’re learning they’re actually not okay with it?

This post isn’t about who has it worse. And all of this can also apply to homoromantic, biromantic, etc. aces as well. The point is, heteroromantic aces have similar struggles to the other letters. They can go through trauma for their sexuality. They may meet people who try to fix their sexuality. They can even go as far as to force themselves into having sex to appear “normal.” There are shared issues here.

Allos dating aces, please be kind if they turn down sex. Don’t push or say anything that will make them feel worse. Trust me- we’re just as disappointed as you are. Probably more, tbh.

(Obligatory wanting sex in a relationship is valid. Obligatory not all aces go through this. Obligatory having sex with an ace is not automatically rape. Obligatory ace/allo relationships can be successful. This is just a scenario I never see brought up and it should be.) 

(Aphobes Do Not Interact.)

[ace-and-new-in-town]

you gonna bac up your claim that cisgender straight people who lack sexual attraction have always been queer? or is speaking out your ass all you can do

Sure! Let’s go! I’m always up to stretch both my lgbt history muscles. Sorry if it took awhile but I am passionate about this stuff and wanted to do some good writing and find some really great sources for you! 😊

In 1869 a humanitarian and journalist named Karl-Maria Kertbeny published pamphlets to oppose the sodomy law in Prussia. In these pamphlet he is widely regarded as beginning the terms “homosexual” and “heterosexual” in the academic mainstream; though, it is likely these were lgbt terms used long before that time. In this same pamphlet advocating explicitly for gay rights, Kertbeny refers to those who engage only in masturbation and not in sex with others as seperate from straight people, coining an entirely different term: “monosexual.” Now, this term is outdated and widely used the m-spec sub community to refer to straight, gay, and lesbian folks lacking multi-gender attraction, but he states very explicitly in all his work that this term is meant to refer to people we would now understand to be asexual.

A little later, in the 1890’s we have sexologist, founder of the Scientific-Humanitarian Committee, and an openly gay man himself, Magnus Hirschfeld. He published his work “Sappho and Sokrates”: a pamphlet he wrote with the task of explaining the lgbt community to straight people. He makes multiple references to and defences of what he called “anesthesia sexuals.” Again, an outdated term, but as you can see, both gay advocates and straight allies referenced us as being part of the community like it was nothing.

Meanwhile, we have the lovely Emma Trosse, an academic peer to Hirschfeld. She discussed gay rights—especially the rights of lesbians and non-binary people—very openly and wrote multiple papers on the subject. But at her heart, Trosse was a researcher, and so her most famous work, naturally, was an indepth study of what she referred to as “counter-sexualities” as stand in for what we now know as the broader lgbt community. In this work she coins the phrase Asensuality, stating “the author has the courage to admit to this category” officially coming out in her own study! Damn lady! We love her. The Schwules Museum (literally the Gay Museum), a famous German LGBTQ+ museum dedicated to collections focusing on the history of lgbt research, features her work prominently. She also holds the distinction of having been banned as a “degenerate” author in Austria-Hungary, the German Empire, and Russia for that very work. On top of that, she was the first woman on record to have a treatise in defense of lgbt people and our community published in 1895, even before her colleague Hirschfeld had his first works published.

As you can see 19th century Germany was a hub of lgbt theory, research, and activism still studied by lgbt historians today. It is widely credited as being a period of time that brought our history into print and the mainstream. And ace people, as I noted before, have been involved both in mention and in activism from the beginning according to both prominent allies, gay folks, and ace folks who were scholars during this period.

But, now lets move over with a bigger hop to the sexual revolution in America; which mirrored the German one in many ways! This is the period of time a lot of people, especially americans, think of as the start of our mainstream history—which as you can see a very americancentric idea, but I digress. Even here we have asexuals represented among the community by diverse members of the community.

You’ve probably heard of the Asexual Manifesto, written by Lisa Orlando and published by the New York Radical Feminists. A very important document to ace-spec people, it defines us as a sexuality seperate and distinct from straight; but you aren’t interested in what we have to say about ourselves and our experiences so lets move on to other lgbt people validating us.

Kinsey—himself an m-spec or multisexual person—recognized us in his research, which he picked up from at the point our lovely Hirschfeld left off, basically. This was later expanded on by Michael D Storm, author of Theories of Sexual Orientation. He reimagined the Kinsey Scale as a two dimensional map, which became the beginnings of the modern Kinsey Scale used in the lgbt community today. He posited it was better able to distinguish asexuals from m-spec people as it defined them less based on sexual preferences, or lack their of, based in gender (which would put both sexualities squarely in the centre of the 1D scale), and more on their self described experiences of attraction. So that’s right, you read correctly; the latest rendition of the Kinsey Scale was created in response to a piece that was published after Kinsey’s original studies specifically to better include asexuals who were already featured in the study and scale.

Then we move to the “The Sexually Oppressed.” Published in 1977, it was a book that did exactly what it set out to do: describe people who were oppressed by heteronormative society and their struggles. It was published by social worker, Harvey L. Gochros and featured the work of Myra T. Johnson in a piece describing the way in which mainstream culture affected asexual women specifically, and how straight feminists often shamed and gatekept them from liberating movements, while straight men continued to be an omnipresent threat via corrective assault and forced institutionalization. It was actually a text book in my college, very good read—goes into the ableism present in sexual oppression as well. I highly recommend it.

Also, just as a bonus, I’ve included an extra link below to “On the Racialization of Asexuality” by Ianna Hawkins Owen. She goes into depths about how the allosexual vs asexual discourse we see starting in America in the 70's—which has turned into the modern global “ace discourse” of today—started with nationalist discussions that have their roots in white supremacy, the white construction of binary womanhood, and chattel slavery. An offering from my university days.

Anyways, I hope you and any other lovely readers who come across this enjoy and educate yourselves a bit. Knowledge is power!

P.S. I could not find “The Sexually Oppressed” available online for some reason (but mind you, I am very bad at computers) so I linked a website that should show you the nearest library in your area that carries it. It’s a very popular social work read.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/asexuality-history-internet-identity-queer-archive.html

http://csclub.uwaterloo.ca/~pbarfuss/Asexual-Manifesto-Lisa-Orlando.pdf

https://books.google.ca/books?id=XbgTAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT113&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

https://books.google.ca/books?id=IH2GCgAAQBAJ&pg=PA122&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

https://www.worldcat.org/title/sexually-oppressed/oclc/925168401&referer=brief_results

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Supporting bisexuals is ace culture

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Aroace flag fox for anyone who wants it

[ace-and-new-in-town]

if you are:

demisexual

asexual

cupiosexual

aegosexual

alloace

non sam ace

graysexual

aceflux

reciprosexual

fraysexual

lithosexual

aroace

axiosexual

myrsexual

caedsexual

apothisexual

ansexual

you are wonderful

you are accepted here

I wish you a very good international asexuality day

[ace-and-new-in-town]

today (4/6/21) is the first ever international asexuality day!!! happy ace day babes I hope you have an amazing day!💜🖤🤍

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Aromanticism is not an identity underneath asexuality. Aro people can ALSO be ace. Ace people can ALSO be aro. But not all aro people are ace, and not all ace people are aro. You can experience no romantic attraction but experience sexual attraction.

[ace-and-new-in-town]

ace culture is not understanding the appeal of x readers (but maybe thats just me)

[ace-and-new-in-town]

boys 👏 can 👏 be 👏 asexual👏

rb if you agree

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Asexual Aesthetics

Galaxy Ace

Character merch and plastic clutter. Oversized sweaters. Purring cats. Vintage typewriters. Stickers on your laptop. Herb gardens on the porch. Colorful tattoos. Bulky headphones. Enamel pins. Mismatched socks. A freshly-printed newspaper. Rainbow sherbet. Glitter lipgloss. Crystal collections. RP blogs. Fairy lights.

Deepwoods Ace 

Nails clipped short. Old competition trophies. The heat of the desert. Scented candles. Classic rock songs. Messy work table. Dipping fries into milkshakes. Vampires and werewolves. Salted nuts. Playing the guitar. The smell of petrol. Salt-curled hair. Barbecuing burgers. Cucumber sandwiches. Iron-on patches on denim. 

Liminal Ace 

Crystal chandeliers. Dark lipstick. Streetlamps on wet concrete. Cherry-flavored hard candies. Burned cigarettes. Long acrylic nails. Blinking neon signs. Old ballet shoes. Heavy perfume. An empty wallet. Meat served rare. Black tights. Forgotten diner restaurants. Loose change and keys. Pet rats. Instagram pictures. Bath salts.    

Thunderstorm Ace 

Colorful scarves. Iced coffee. Frankincense and myrrh. Saltwater taffy. Beads hung on strings. Soft linen shirts. Espresso coffee. Summer at high noon. Vintage vinyl collection. Woodfire oven baked pizza. Old pianos. Filled notebooks. Messy shoe closet. Pearls. Ripped skinny jeans. Sugar packet collection. Rolling gold wheat fields.

Equinox Ace 

Crackling fireplaces. Red wine. Soft knitted mittens. Modern art galleries. Darkwood floors. Black ink stains. The late morning sun. Sleek carbon fiber. A warm kitchen. Smudged red lipstick. Gold-framed mirrors. Missed calls. Herbal teas. Seattle cafes. Stiletto heels. Rubber band balls. Antique furniture. The sound of cars driving by. Magazine collection.

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Idk what ace person needs to hear this but

Having intrusive thoughts about sexual things does not mean you are faking it or "secretly allosexual".

Intrusive thoughts are intrusive thoughts because they are stressful and unwanted. Allosexual people aren't tortured by their normal sexual thoughts.

[ace-and-new-in-town]

This is your reminder that ace rings are as old as 2005

2005

It’s almost 2020 as of writing this so do the math… that’s about 15 years old

AVEN was founded in 2001

The asexual flag was announced as the official asexual flag in 2010

The ace rings are older than the ace flag and only about four (4) years younger than AVEN

Keep this info laying around somewhere, you’ll need it whenever an acephobe on tumblr makes a claim about the asexual community

[ace-and-new-in-town]

Hi there, um. I wanted to first say thank you for such wonderful comics! They've been amazing in helping me. I did have a question though and sorry in advance if it's.. weird? Anyway. So, I'm demi and a girl, but I've noticed that I've never felt attraction to the same gender. I've never developed crushes on my girl friends, but have my guy friends. Is that... bad? Something about calling myself "straight demi" sounds wrong. Like I'm invading or something.

It’s not bad at all! You wouldn’t be the only person in the queer community who is attracted to a gender that’s not your own. Transgender/NB, Bisexual/Pansexual, and other Aces/Demi/Greys can find romance with a gender that isn’t their own. You have a type - as I’m sure they do - and it doesn’t disqualify you from being Demi and you’re not “invading” queer spaces.

The kind of people who spout that kind of rhetoric are the ones who focus solely on their perception rather than the experiences of the individual. It’s not their place to judge your experiences. If you feel you belong, then welcome! If you’d rather not join in, feel free to visit if you change your mind!

[ace-and-new-in-town]

It does annoy me when people say shit like “oh, aroace kids aren’t real aroaces, they’re just late bloomers.”

Because like, speaking as someone who could technically be considered a “late bloomer”, kids know when they’re different from their peers. Kids talk to people and they notice when they have a mismatch in experiences with other people. And if a gay or bi kid could have always known all their life, if childhood crushes are a thing a number of people go through, I think it can be safe to say that it’s also plausible for someone to have known they were aroace all along.

Same goes for aces who aren’t aro and aros who aren’t ace. Preteens and teenagers can tell when they’re experiencing crushes differently from what’s considered normative. And it can be very alienating if you find your experiences fall outside the norm.

Like, I trust that aroace kids and aces who aren’t aro and aros who aren’t ace know their own life experiences the best, and can decide which labels suit them. And if it turns out they were just a late bloomer? Good for them, they found who they were! But the existence of late bloomers doesn’t mean that ace and aro kids can’t tell who they are.

[ace-and-new-in-town]

tumblr is probably gonna destroy the quality, but here’s a quick little comic i came up with last night! an asexual child of aphrodite asks for some guidance from her mom. 

(small edit: after a couple of comments, i want to add that i wrote this as a reflection of my own experiences of being on the asexual spectrum and dealing with the self-doubt of growing up in a highly sexualized society - it’s not meant to be a generalization of all aro/ace people or me trying to speak for anyone)

(ACE EXCLUSIONISTS DO NOT INTERACT, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU)

my writing is a little bit illegible, so there’s a visual description with text under the cut: 

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