abxglx

[abxglx]

Moron

I just wanna say, I can't unlove you. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't unlove you because it's not something I can do. Maybe both of us need to take a rest and realize what we've done. Or it just me? Even though you hurt me, do I deserve this? Also, do you deserve someone like me? Do I deserve this pain? Do I deserve this hurt?

Why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? I meant so little for you. Do I deserve this suffering for loving you? Loving you is right, respecting you is right and giving you my loyalty is right. I'm making my path and I wanna hold you while I do it. Up to you to take it.

I wish I knew how to leave. You were never supposed to mean this much to me; I was never supposed to fall so hard? But you know what? I can't deny the truth. I did and that's the truth, that's what keep me holding on because it hurts like hell to let you go.

I fell in love with you two seconds after I saw you. And I'll never stop loving you, even though it doesn't make sense anymore.

[abxglx]

The Voyage from 2017 has Ended

I was looking through my photo album on Google Drive, and I accidentally opened it during work hours. There was a photo of me at the beach. I indeed went there with someone. But then my mind started to flashback to all the activities I did in the city where the beach is located, Yogyakarta. Honestly, it makes me a little sad to think about everything that has passed in that city. The city that first made me agree to leave my family. The city I first went to because I promised someone we would go to college there together. The city that first taught me to survive on my own. The city that always makes me want to shed tears when I remember it. Just mentioning the name of that city in my head sends me far back to the memories I've had there.

It's already 2025, but I still feel like I'm in 2017, when I first made a promise to the person I was supposed to meet there. When my friends or close ones hear me mention "Yogyakarta," they assume I can't move on from my ex. No, that's not it. I've let him go and I don't want to be involved with him in any way. But this one person makes me wish I could reincarnate, so I could forget everything that hinders me from stepping into the new year. It's understandable to feel tied to significant moments in the past, especially when they are connected to a place filled with memories.

I feel that my feelings are valid. We all have been stuck in the past at some point. I've tried everything to get out of my own traps and thoughts, but I always fall, again and again. I hate thinking about that city, but it's full of everything that accompanied my growth alone and shaped me into who I am now. But I don't want to give up on my past. It feels very heavy to realize that this should have passed at least since 2018. But everything has become delayed until now. It's been 8 years and I still keep thinking about that city. I never loved Yogyakarta, I just regret that everything I did there feels wasted. But I understand that there is something nature wants to show me with all the events I went through in the past.

This city is indeed full of my memories. Friends who were once my circle, now I can only see their progress through social media, whether from their Instagram stories or the photos and videos they post on their social media. Some of my circle of friends are already married, some have moved to the capital, some have successfully managed their long-distance relationships, and some have new partners after their previous relationships during college failed. If you are reading this, know that I always consider you friends and will never see you as enemies. I hope you always achieve everything successfully and as you wish. I won’t mention your names, but if you feel like you fit any of these descriptions, stay healthy and be happy always.

If anyone asks how I'm doing now, I feel a little sad while writing this, but after expressing my feelings in this writing, I'm sure I'll be fine. It’s just a phase, it will pass. The good news is, I no longer harm myself like I once showed one of you, or maybe you all already know? Sorry for making a hasty decision that seemed foolish at the time. But living alone far from home without knowing who to ask for help from really made me feel heavily burdened. But thank you to all of you who have been with me through thick and thin. Thanks to one of my friends who let me stay at their place when my own place almost got robbed, hehe.

Thank you for teaching me how to cook green beans with tempeh, which I could eat for 30 days straight, haha. Thank you for teaching me a new language and dialect. Thank you for showing me the meaning of friendship while being away from home. Thank you for being kind to me. Thank you for providing all the information about the courses when I struggled with them. You are all amazing, and I love you all so much. I hope you will always be okay. I appreciate everything we have been through together. The five of you are incredibly awesome, and you are the ones who distracted me from the person I have always been thinking about.

And to the person I've been trying to let go of, but my heart always brings you back to your place, I will try harder to let you go and close the chapter of my story where I feel haunted by you. After confessing to you a year ago, I will never do that again. This is the last time. Won't each of us be okay? Isn't that how time should walk hand in hand with destiny? It's been 8 years, January is about to end. My heart needs to heal, the chapter in my book about you needs to be closed. I still have 8 days to end everything. Thank you for being part of my story. I will also delete my Line account so I won't be reminded of you anymore. The social media where we first met, haha. I need to move further ahead. I need to end all this foolishness.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning. Nothing's quite the same now. I run away and hide and I may find in time that you were always right. But it's not so bad you're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back, you're just the best I ever had — Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)

[abxglx]

I Appreciate the Beauty of the Sunset

I don't know how to start this letter. I'm still so lost till now, and the words in my mind can't even express how sad I feel as I write this letter. I'm so distraught, so confused; it's like my life has been taken away from me. I can't even write about my loneliness in my diary, because you've been the reason I write my diary since then. I have so many reasons to be sad, depressed, and lost. I can't go on like this anymore. It's really hard to let you go, I really can't accept it. I haven't gotten it yet. I don't know where to start, how to start, how to move on with my life.

Sometimes, when I suddenly think of you, everything becomes difficult. I can be distracted by thinking about you all day. This feeling really tortures me, but it's hard to get myself out of this situation. Could it be I'm haunted? I broke so many rules for you and tried my best to pursue you. I knew you feel the same way. We talked for hours and were so interested in each other. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and you helped me fill the hole in my heart. In my previous relationship, my love was taken for granted and abused. I knew you were so special; you even noticed that I always waited for you to say goodnight because I never wanted to be the first to end our conversation.

You are so special and you admire parts of me that I didn't know existed. You made me feel so loved, sent me the sweetest good morning texts and spent the night with me over the phone or video calls. Distance was never an issue. We were so similar; curious, thoughtful, smart, and kind, and I thought I had found the right person. I'm in a new place now, living a brand new life, working hard for my future, and you were the past that I was holding on to. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for being my light during my darkest days. Thank you for the “good morning texts”, “the goodnight texts”, the “how are you’s?” and thank you for pushing me all the time to be a better person.

I just want you to be happy, you deserve to be love by someone who loves you more than I do. I will continue to be happy for you no matter what. I don't have time to cry and stop living, I have to keep moving forward. The beautiful memories we have are enough to keep me moving forward. I will never forget all the happy and sweet moments we shared. I will never forget you and everything we had when we were a couple. I am finally able to love someone deeply, to truly care for someone, I learned how to take care of someone who is still mine. I don't want to move on yet. I want to relive all the happy moments of our relationship and keep them in my heart forever. You will always be a big part of my heart and life.

Thank you for making me feel happy in a very short time. The feeling of these beautiful butterflies fluttering in my stomach. The promise. The future we once planned together. These are things I will always cherish, love. You actually made my life happier.

[abxglx]

Ambivalence

As I inched towards him, I felt it in my bones. He was embracing his demons and swaying to their songs. I think my love was too selfish, for me to let him go. I was willing to fall with him as long as he was there to hold. So, I, too, danced along him, adoring him and holding him close. This wasn't the end of our journey, we were making a path of our own.

[abxglx]

Check in on Those Around You

The people who hurt the most in the inside are usually the ones that give the most on the outside. Because they don't want others to feel how they feel. More so they want to feel significant and that matter. They are overwhelmend and won't show it, instead hide it through the smile. We never know what someone's going through. There's a person who will continue to hold back their pain, masking it with a smile, until they have a major breakdown. People who go through a lot are often more kind because that's the reciprocation they want from the universe. They giving the type of care and support themselves really needed. Sometimes the people hurting the most are the ones who seem the happiest, because they won't anyone to feel the way they feel and they don't want to burden anyone. Sometimes its the ones who make people laugh who are the ones struggling the most.

Once I remember reading something in these lines: A star burns the brightest in its final moments. And it shattered my heart into billion pieces. Usually right before somebody commits suicide they get really really happy. Sadly, people who are about to unalive themselves respond the same way. You think they are getiing "better" but it's because they are at peace with ending it. They have meade the decision to do it. And they know it's all gonna be over soon period all the pain will be over soon.

Yeah, I know sometimes smiling is easier then explaining what's killing you from the inside. Because no one truly cares, sometimes. They only care as long as you're showing up for them. But you and I must stay now though. The fight is hard but you're worth it. Don't let go, please. Let the burdens that have passed be an example for you to endure. Let the pain and struggle teach you to not let go.

Sometimes simple questions like, "How's life going?" or "How are you?" can be very important to some people. It could be that no one has asked them a question like that, so they are confused about who to tell about what they feels. Also you gotta appreciate every moment you spend with every person in your life. The happiest and some of the best memories should have been created around you. So, when that person is gone forever, you have beautiful memories with them.

I also address this blog to all men who read this, because some men can be the ones who always keep their problems to themselves. Society always states that men must be strong, must not be weak, and cannot even cry. Did you know that men are also human beings who have hearts and feelings? Today men are very alone because the fashion is don't care what they can feel or to not respect their efforts. Men are pretty simples, say them they are good men, thanks them and you have them with you for weeks or month.

Some men want women's approval for men vulnerabilities. Maybe they want to be acknowledged by men for being emotional, but deep down men also want to be nurtured by women for their vulnerability. Women step up now. Men ain't all solid rocks. Let's break that stigma. Reminder that there's always a reason to keep fighting. If your thoughts are telling you to end it and that no one would care. They're lying to you. There's always good times, bright futures and memonts worth staying. I promise, one day it won't feel like fighting, one day we'll just be. And it will be peaceful and beautiful, and worth staying for. I'm happy that you are alive.

[abxglx]

Cutting People Off

Disclaimer: I swear this blog is not intended for any specific group of people.

There are a lot of people I don’t really talk to like I used to. We all have these people in our lives and it's normal.

Well, we don't talk anymore, but thank you for letting me go, because if not, I'm not gonna leaving. It was good while it lasted. I used to feel so sad when someone left my life. Because I find it hard to detach from people unless I've been let down too many times. But in recent years I have realized that we will inevitably become more than human. Good things always end for no reason, but that doesn't mean it wasn't good before.

Finally, I took the first step to cut another person out of my life, and I was surprised at how easily they walked away. It's hard for me because it's always hard to have someone initiate the decision, and sticking to it firmly is the hardest thing. I never wanted this, but it was necessary, at least for me.

"Thank you for letting me go that day, and saying you don't want me as a problem anymore. The day after you let go I understood I was never the problem it was you messed with your feelings and acting all I don't care you are the problem, I tried to fix you and you hated that ,it hurted your ego, so you let go. Thank you for making me realize I deserve a lot better. I still haven't found the one, but eventually I will but when I do, I'll show it to you, that you lost the game not me. We were just meant to be apart".

"Thank you for leaving me that day, it would be difficult for me to let go that easily and you know i wouldn't left you right away because I loved you so much i just couldn't do that. You were my world and everything. At first I thought I cannot live without you and leave all the memories we had, but damn boy I was wrong there is tunnel for me to move on and have faith on it while on the road. I gave you everything, everything and you know that. I've already forgave you even tho you didn't apologise to me. Forgiving you it was like a breaking from the prison, there isn't no hate no more. I can say now that I can literally live without you. Bye bye".

[abxglx]

Papa's Grace

Have you ever had one of those days where you just started thanking the Lord for everything that came to your mind? Are you not thinking about what you want at all, but are you grateful for what He has already done? Sometimes I think about Papa's grace all the time. If you don’t know Papa, I call the Lord Jesus Papa. I call him Papa because I know I am His child and I feel comfortable calling him that.

At some moment in the night, I looked at the ceiling of my room and began to thank the Lord for His blessings. It was a precious moment that seemed to come out of the blue. I used to think Papa was too holy to love a sinner like me, but Papa told me that's why He came to earth and left perfect heaven so that I could have a better life. I’m not even talking about what Papa has done for you personally. Maybe He healed you, saved your marriage, protected your children, made your career successful, etc. If we take time to reflect, our hearts will naturally remember His goodness to us and His faithfulness.

I believe that when we choose to accept His gifts and respond with genuine gratitude, this incredible gratitude becomes a doorway that frees us from the worries of a future filled with what-ifs and unknowns and pain. It is an act of accepting and acknowledging that we cannot save ourselves. It is an act of devotion, like the prodigal son who knelt down and buried his head in his father's bosom. My heart was filled with gratitude, and I couldn't help but scream with gratitude. Talk about your experience. Share with others and learn how difficult times have changed you with God's help. Keep moving forward, keep improving, keep praying.

I can trust Him to do the impossible and make everything possible. Papa, I am so humbled that You always answer “yes” to my prayers. Thank you for all the roles You have played in my life. Thank you for paying off my debt and forgiving me so that I could be a better person. Thank you for my family and my parents. Thank you for the home we have, the clothes we wear, and the food we eat. Thank you for the Bible and the opportunity to read it and try to live by its teachings. Papa, thank you for showing us a different way to live. We love so much Your kindness, humility, forgiveness and loyalty. Papa, thank you for Your patience and forgiveness when I screw up. Thank you for not giving up on me when I did. Thank you for always being there when I look up, ready to listen and respond quickly. Papa, thank you for surrounding me with friends who know You, respect You, and support me. I am forever grateful. Once again, thank you. All my heart wanted to do was repeat these words over and over again, loudly, quietly, and religiously.

[abxglx]

Notes to G'Pa from down here

Bapak, my life stopped feeling the same ever since you are gone. I know that I never alone in this world, but my pillar is now missing one, and I don't know how to rebuild it. That pillar is you. People tell me to take graduation photos, but it shattered my heart just by hearing it. I've been so mad at the world since you passed away. Why should I losing you at the important moment of my life? You went away too early, we had a million more memories to make together.

I lay down in bed at the end of the day. I think of you and my heart feels like somebody's squeezing it. I miss you so much and it's getting hard to keep going even for you. I just want you back because everything around me is just seems to be crumbling down. I wish I could have done something instead of just doing everything for my ownself. I wish you were here to tell me that everything will be alright. That you will always have my back whenever everything's falling apart. I end up crying every single time I think about you.

Yes, the worlds so much more complicated, quite, hard, stressful and difficult. Now that I lost a loved one and I don't know what to do anymore. The last time I saw you, I wish I would have another chance to see you again. Losing a person is one of the worst feeling ever. Even tho the feeling won't disappear entirely, I know I will get better. My motivation is just keep going, so I can tell every crazy and beautiful story when we reunite. I have been so alone since you passed away. I promise you are not gonna be my living anger, if I can't live for myself, I will live for you.

[abxglx]

je m'

To mark another 365 days around the sun, I thought it would be appropriate to write an open letter to myself. I just wanted to reflect on the past year and tell myself things that needed to be said, but that I rarely found the time to say. So, this is the letter to me.

Hello Gail,

Let me start by saying how proud I am of you. Surprised? I know that no matter how hard you try, I never tell you that you have done enough before. But girl look at you right now, you're awesome! Over the past few years, I’ve watched you rewrite your story page by page. Looking back now, I can say that you have come a long way from where you were before.

I'm so proud of you. I know I don't tell you often enough and I'm sorry. The truth is, I don’t have time to sit and think about everything that has happened or what is happening in my life. I've always been so relaxed and at ease lately, but sometimes my thoughts are so heavy. Then again, it might just be my anxiety.

This year was a blessing. You said yes to a lot of new opportunities, started a new journey, and met some really great people along the way. You walk through doors that you wouldn’t have dared to knock on just a few years ago. You are able able to reconnect with relatives you haven't spoken to in years and make some wonderful memories that you will both cherish for a lifetime.

No excuses whatsoever. I haven't been honest with you and it's time to tell you. Look at you, you're twenty-four years old, you've been living and breathing this crazy planet for twenty-four years. Do you know how many people don’t get the chance to say this? Yet you live here day after day.

So, I want to remind you of all the things you may not know. If you feel like you're not good enough or have made progress somewhere in your life, which I know happens a lot, if you feel like stupid person, please check this out and remember why you should be a part of this world, just like everyone else.

You may never escape your anxiety. I know this is hard to hear, and I see you worked so hard on this. But just because you can't beat it doesn't mean you have to let it control you. Every time you breathe, someone is taking their last breath. No matter what your fears are telling you, never take your feelings for granted. It's okay to cry sometimes and let it fester inside you. Let it out and you'll feel better.

Have more patience. Whether it's with friends, family, errands, or important life decisions. Be patient.

One day you will marry Abhit, one day you will have a bigger business, one day you will be more successful, one day you will be rich. I know you don’t believe it or can’t see it right now, but you are absolutely beautiful. One day, when you look back, you will realize how stupid you were for always thinking you were something you were not.

Gail, I'm so glad you're finally starting to realize your potential. Over the years, people tell you how much potential they see in you. But you never really see it (fool you). Because of your feelings, you suppressed them for so long and you feel not good enough for past year. Right now, look at all the excitement the world would have missed if you hadn't given up on that stupid idea, huh? Hahaha. I just want to say you're doing a great job and I can't wait to see what you accomplish in the next few years.

You have come so far and even though you are almost old hahaha, the journey has only just begun. I can’t wait to see what else you accomplish. You may not notice it, but any room you enter will become brighter. Don’t think you’re just blending in with the crowd.

Keep chasing the stars, Gail <3

[abxglx]

Time Doesn't Heal All Things and Wounds

We all know that "time heals all things." We all must have received this advice at some point, but the reality is that time doesn’t heal anything, we just adapt over time. Over time, we begin to distance ourselves from the things that hurt us. Yes, time cannot heal the good memories you have with a person, those good memories turn into bad memories in the afterlife, maybe. Or it still gonna be the best memories we ever had in our lives that we never gonna talk with anyone. We may go out and become stronger and conquer greater things, but equally, we cannot erase the good memories and we can't turned that good memories into bad memories.

Or maybe time can heal the way our bodies feel and our addiction to certain feelings and emotions? But we also need to consciously contribute to the process so that we can restore or heal our self-esteem (whatever you want to call it). This only happens when we listen to ourselves, when we talk to ourselves (even if what we say doesn’t make much sense), and more importantly, when we are heard and seen by others. In the long run, we speed up this process (both the physical and mental parts) by observing how we act as people who love ourselves. Even if we don't like it.

The only thing that cannot be healed over time is the ego. People live with their own trauma until death, even though they know death will take everything away. So what’s the point of living a life of resentment? People close their hearts and spend the rest of their lives in doubt, without love and compassion entering their souls.

A little understanding can change millions of lives—forgiveness and forgetfulness. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the past.

[abxglx]

Happy Bornday, Kiko

Happy birthday to my person who become the pillar of my life now, Kiko. First of all, I would like to thank you very much for adopting me and taking care of me since I was a child. In the past, it was very difficult to understand you and your love or affection . But now I know almost everything about you, and you know almost everything about my life. I didn't expect it to grow this fast, but time can't be turned back, isn't it?

Ko, do you realize that all people are very proud of you right now? Maybe you don't realize it, because people weren't like this to you before. Forgive me in the past for underestimating you, now I understand why you need to go through it all. Right now I just want to respond to you with full affection, follow your rules, understand you and find out more about you.

You deserve peace, love, happiness and everything your heart desires. Don’t let anyone control your life and take these things away from you. Your love, guidance and support mean everything to me and I am so lucky to have you as my uncle and my non-biological parents. You have always been there for me in good times and bad, and I am grateful for your unwavering support.

As you celebrate another year of your life, I hope you know how much you are loved and appreciated. May your day always be filled with joy, laughter and everything that brings you happiness. I look forward to celebrating many more birthdays with you in the years to come. On this special day, I would like to wish you a happy happy happy birthday! It’s hard to believe how fast time flies and how much I have grown from childhood to now. But no matter how much time passes, you will always be my brother, father, uncle, enemy, my closest friend also my everything. Iloveyou more than i love my self >.<

[abxglx]

A thousand failed

You keep forgiving someone until you unlove them. That's the time when you are finally empty and you silently walk away.

Yes, it’s very possible to unlove someone, by the time you learn to let go of them, you are broken, hurt and all lone, they might physically be with you but not emotionally, even after giving someone a million chances they hurt you again and again. And one day you just learn to let go, stop expecting, stop giving, stop feeling, you become numb to every feeling, it hurts, but eventually you let go. That’s how you unlove someone.

In cases where one experiences that moment after so many instances of being let down by a person that has shown they are not to be counted on, and they finally believe them. Clarity, because it’s understood that the idealized version of that person never really existed. That was just a projection of a wish, dream or hope and love for that can certainly evaporate or be undone.

It's easy to say that we will always forgive the people we love, no matter what they do. But it's important to remember that forgiveness is a two-way street. The other person also needs to be willing to make amends and change their behavior. If they are not willing to do that, then we need to protect ourselves and not let them hurt us again.

We only forgive our close people again & again but at some point you also get tired and started to unlove them to protect themselves nd it's not a bad thing. Sometimes it's easy just walk away. At that time you realized that every thing was just waste of time.

[abxglx]

Tranquility

The feelings that we rarely understand are why the angels try to knead our hearts. Our ribcage ovens never burn their hands, and yet so fast and quick their hands depart. Our cooling chests will settle up and down as if awaiting swords to end the beat. But angels want to let the monarchs out; the butterflies come when the muscle’s squeezed. Rapunzel, spring from off the castle deck! Let’s let the angels stagger after us, escaping hand in hand and out of breath but catch our breath to kiss for when we’re caught. Though monarch orange never left a wound, our soul is just so in our red cocoons.

[abxglx]

A break

When two people start in a relationship together, it's fun a stress free. The first couple months of the relationship will always be easy. eventually, the jealousy will kick in, the clingyness will show itself, the arguments will come out of nowhere, and trust issues will develop. Things will start getting real, but this is when you get to see whether or not they are willing to stick around and make it work. Most people will give up, but if you have someone who stays around despite the circumtances, they're definitely a keeper.

Sometimes our relationship can face problems that can only be addressed by taking a break. By that, of course, I dont mean "act like your single and fool around", I mean stay committed and take a step back to grow and focus on yourself. I guess that might not be the meaning of a break to a lot of people, but that's why communication between you and your partner exists. Figure out what both of you need if the going gets rough and remember, it's you guys against the problem, not each other.

Lets give “a break“ usually means I have feelings for someone else or I don’t have feelings for you anymore but I'm not sure If I can let you be as free or single as I wanna be now and I want to be able to call you back into my life If I changed my mind. Usually breaks turn into complete break ups since one of the two moves on quicker than the other either to run from the pain or whatever.

I think in that case, we need to figure out how to approach the issues differently. Or maybe a big break needs to happen (for like 1-6months) where we agree not to date anyone but rather work on themselves individually with a therapist and then agree when they're ready within that time frame to work on the relationship together now that they straighten themselves out. I don't know maybe I'm living in a fairy tale world but I would think that's possible. Or I guess hope it to be in worse case scenario.

[abxglx]

C'est la vie

Watching the man who I loved with my whole heart fall out of love with me was one of the hardest things I had to go through. I tried to acted like we weren’t together at all, but it hurts. At that point I knew it was done but still I tried my hardest to keep it. I called him, texted him, wrote him huge paragraphs that would remind the good days we had. It was a waste of time. All those nights I went to bed late just to watch him fall asleep in peace, all those afternoons that I cancelled my plans just to have a chat with him. I knew what was coming my way but yet I tried my hardest to keep it because I hope it was worth it.

Now I don’t even believe that there is one person out there who is willing to do all those things I did for him to do it for me because of him. But I enjoy my time until I am are mature enough to understand what went wrong and why it did. The moment it happened I desperately kept trying to keep up a convo just because I didn’t want to loose him in my life. We used to text daily so when it all went crashing down I was trying to salvage anything.

I eventually stopped and it’s been a while since I’ve texted or talked to them in person. But I still don’t fully understand why, they never explained. The part that trips me out was how sudden a quick switch up it was. It’s my fault. He moved on while I didn’t, so I started texting him on daily again after a while. I really hoped he’d say he missed me or anything related to these words. Losing people isn’t easy but it’s for the best if you the only one puttin in effort towards it. I love him and I will always love him.

[abxglx]

Last falsetto

You can never be "just friends" again with someone you've bonded and loved. Once you've bonded with a person, you'll never be able to see them the same way again. Whether you admit it or not, these feelings will always be there. Knowing that you can't go back to where you were before can be painful. It hurts to think about the memories we shared together. It can be painful to think about all those "what-if" scenarios and imagine what you both might look like. I see him every day and pretend there wasn't an otherworldly connection between the two of us just days or even minutes ago. Then you need to think about your next relationship. Would you like your boyfriend to be close friends with someone with this type or connection? I'd say no so you can't be hypocritical in this one. It's time to realize that the downsides of being "just friends" far outweigh the benefits that come with it. Holding on to something that no longer exists will only hold you back in so many ways. We've spent almost six years together.

I sat in bed for a few hours after get off work yesterday, wishing I had more time. More time to admire him, more time to tell him how I feel about him, more time to hug him and tell him everything will be okay. It was a bad breakup, either. We fight and get mad at each other. I realized I couldn't give me what he wanted from our relationship.There were a lot of tears. We spent hours together, sitting in his car together. Lots of hugs, lots of "I love you", lots of "I'm going to miss you", and lots of "sorry". When you're with someone for a long time, you take for granted what they mean to you. Through him, I found myself. He helped me through the most difficult time of my life. "You never know you love them 'til you let them go" is all too true and bad.

We are still friends and we still love and care deeply about each other. That's why we had to break up. Tried to be friends with him after and all it did was break my heart even more. Call it ego but it did hurt knowing he was going out looking that good.I just pray that God watches over him and keeps him safe along his whole family, the memories were nice and warm and when he found me before we dated I was alone and still trying to figure out my adult life, now that I've figured it out im just working to move out and once again alone, I'll learn from what I did wrong and work to become a more kind person, so I can look back to the memories and smile knowing he's doing better even if I'm not in the picture. Iloveyou to the bottom of the sea.

[abxglx]

Men and their mental health

Sometimes men were taught to be good boys and strong men. They try to find what that is, sometimes they are just boys trying to hold it together because they see the foley of the men around them. They can’t say anything because people would just treat them like a stupid child. Life is hard, especially when you see everyone around you moving on different paths. I feel like sometimes they are just boys pretending to be a man. Told to grow up act like this you should do that. They all have their own meaning of what a man should be. Life is hard for everyone out there. They say it’s a mans world. Yeah, so they feel the weight of it on their shoulders. Sometimes for their mothers sometimes for their sisters sometimes for their daughters just to try to make a better tommorow.

Be nice to everyone you meet. Nothing and no one is gonna be forever with you, treat them better when they're around you. If anyone needs someone to talk to, if anyone wants someone to be there to listen and to not judge and to be there for them, don't be afraid you can reach someone you trust to tell your feeling. You are appreciated, you are here for a reason, you are loved. When you wake every morning, it means you are here for a reason and you have purpose. You are strong, I know the world is hard and there are hard expectations for men to be strong and not to show emotion or to show that you are “weak”, but you are human and emotion is a human trait.

You will never understand what people go thru and depression hides behind smiles. Most people don't ever realize that anyone is hurting this bad to end it. Stopping the hurt is all that is thought about. Feeling alone, being alone is in my opinion can be the most dangerous feeling. Sometimes being reminded that you are loved and cared for may seem like lies. Reaching out to someone, check on your people, you never know when its there last day. We all have one, so keep everyone in your prayers. Some of us may never wake up to see the sun again. What really sucks is everyone misses you when you are gone, but why not when you are here? Some will even forget about entirely. Keep going you got this. Sending love to you all ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ♡