abrokensoulsdiary

[abrokensoulsdiary]

September 11th

I got lost again.

[abrokensoulsdiary]

Introduction: 

In order to understand why I have chosen to publicly post my life on the internet, I would have to give a background on myself and my family.

Myself - 

20 something year old, at the moment jobless, was a property manager for 2 years and before that various other jobs, trucker, field worker and photographer. 

I live in Northern California.

I don’t love often but when I do I fall hard and become attached quickly

I believe everyone is a good person until you prove me wrong. 

It is easy to lose my trust. 

It is easy to lose my attention, if you aren’t genuinely a good person I won’t let you in my life as a common acquaintance 

I read vibes and body language, I trust my vibe more than I trust myself, I base my life off my vibes.

I am fearless when I am angry, I am confident when I am hurt, I am happy when I am sad.

Nobody knows what really goes through my head during the day, if they would I don’t think anybody would care. 

Prideful

Clumsy

Over thinker

Annoying

I try to hard to be relatable and funny

Mom - 

In her 50′s at the time of this post. Lives with her parents, works odd jobs and does not keep a job more than a few months, she did keep one job for 2 years but she complained the entire time and said she wasn’t happy.

Has been a mom for 20+ years

Raised in Mexico and was brought here as a 16 or 17 year old.

Likes to laugh

Not an alcoholic

Does not abuse drugs

Loves kids, at a distance

Woman of many trades

Sets goals and doesn’t complete them

Work until she has to, does not over achieve

Hypocritical

Manipulates to get sympathy and emotion out of others

Will use others pain to her own advantage

Has not felt what love is because she hasn’t let anyone in

Close minded, but pretends to be open minded

Openly judgmental of her own and others

Suffers from a personality disorder

Acts bipolar, has never been diagnosed

Will not seek help

Has admitted herself to the hospital due to “illness” to teach daughter, me, a lesson on appreciating her.

Over thinker 

Suffers from anxiety, not clinically diagnosed, I see my symptoms in her

Emotionally abusive

I struggled to write highlights....

Dad - 

50 something year old man, at the time of this post. Has been able to keep a steady job. Lives on his own in Northern California a few hours away from me. Was let go from a government job for a post he created on Facebook that said his co-worker should die. A week later that co-worker committed suicide. 

Compensates love with material things

Believes parenthood is a competition

Alcoholic in denial

Does not know how to socialize

Extremely prideful

Close minded

Believes women were put on this earth to serve him, even his daughter

Lazy and dirty

Not good with kids

Shines when he is praised for being a mediocre parent

Brags about having a relationship with his daughter, but in reality it is non existent 

Does not know how to appreciate those around him, even after it is too late

Temperamental

Physically abusive

Verbally abusive

Manipulative

Judgemental 

Honestly the list could go on and on, I have created a page specifically for events that have occurred with my parents.

https://abrokensoulsdiary.tumblr.com/family

Remember you are not alone. There are others going through the same situations you have gone through.

[abrokensoulsdiary]

𝕵𝖚𝖓𝖊 𝟏𝟔𝖙𝖍, 𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟗

I woke up at around noon. I woke up to a text message from my mother. 

It read: 

“ Ya deja ese orgullo, es la ultima vez que hablo contigo si no quieres hablar con tu madre, okay no mas de haber sabido que ivas a ser asi le haiga echo caso a tu padre, te ahiga abortado.”

In translation:

“Let go of your pride, this is the last time I talk to you, if you don’t want to talk to your mother, okay, if I would have know you were going to be like this I would have listened to your father and aborted you.”

When I read it, I didn’t react. I was numb. I was jobless and stressing about bills. I didn’t have time to think about another one of my mom’s episodes. Not to mention I had confessed to Jr. my feelings for him and it went well. I was in a good mood. Life seems to balance out to me, when something good happens, something bad follows.

I went about the day like if nothing was wrong. I ignored the message and to this day have not responded.

I have a terrible memory, I vaguely remember June 16th.

The feelings i felt today:

Anxiety

Happy

Bored

Excited

Disappointed

[abrokensoulsdiary]

June 17th - June 21st of 2019

The week started off normally. I was smitten with Jr. He had seemed to be the man I had always wanted. 

Mature

Responsible

Technician

Father

Sleeves

Dimples

It was time to move on to getting to know him on a deeper level. I knew he has a busy schedule. He sometimes works 10 - 12 hour days. He doesn’t always have time to respond text messages and I understand that. We normally connect at the end of the day. We ask about each others day but yet texting isn’t the same. I crave that one on one interaction. I like interacting with someone in person, I like to watch someone talk, the way they use body language and listen to their tone of voice change. Specially when someone is so passionate about something. You can listen to them for hours talk about the same subject.

During the week I noticed less and less communication. I was getting frustrated. I thought it was me. I thought I was being annoying or pushing him away. The weekend came around and it became a little more frustrating. 

Friday night, I had confirmed with a friend a get together for a photoshoot and a car meet in Alameda. I tried to get him to get Jr. to come out. Jr. accused me of not inviting him, I knew for a fact I invited them. I had invited them on June 16th around 10:00 pm in the TiSane parking lot, I had invited him and Jesus they both said they were down. 

Jr. insisted I didn’t invite him, I did. I argued with him a few times but as much as I wanted to make him understand I was right, this was not worth arguing over. I let it go. 

[abrokensoulsdiary]

June 22nd - June 24th

Saturday June 22nd - 

I got up late. I didn’t do much. I didn’t talk to Jr. much since I knew he was working and I don’t want to annoy him. I checked in around 5:00 pm asking if he wanted to grab something to eat, he agreed. 9:00 pm came around and he let me know he was still at work. 

I told him I was okay waiting for him to grab a bite to eat, he didn’t respond. The cafe I was at was about to close so I let him know I was leaving and to give me a call when he was out if he still wanted to eat.

10:00 pm came around and still nothing.

He sends me a picture of his car. I was livid. He bailed on me. I wasn’t mad that he was bailing on me, I was mad that he didn’t have the decency to let me know “Hey I am gonna work on my car, I have to get it ready for Wekfest next week.” I understand. I would have done the same. I just ask for a little bit of communication. 

I felt my anxiety building up. I spent 5 hours at a cafe waiting for him so we could hang out... is there something wrong with me, is he not interested in me anymore or is he losing patience? I let it go for the night. 

When I got home I confirmed if he was going to be joining me the next day for an event and a photoshoot. This was his chance to let me know he wasn’t going to go, or he was too tired to go. 

Instead he let me know he would have to go pick up the Honda, he would have to pick it up when his manager is at the shop. Technically to him this was not a yes or a no. I offered him a ride and he fell asleep, I sent him a message telling him to let me know in the morning if he wanted me to pick him up. 

Sunday June 23rd - 

I woke up at 8:00 am thinking he might accept. 9:00 am came around and nothing. I let Andy know he wasn’t responding, he suggested I call him and if he doesn’t respond then I should head out to the event in Alameda. I called. No answer. I left. 

When I got there I felt so awkward. My social anxiety kicked in. I didn’t know anybody on a personal level. Andy was our mutual friend and his co-worker. I got to know his friends a lot more. 

Jr. responded, at noon, that isn’t normal for him. Even if he is tired he wakes up at around 8:00 am. He asked me how the event was going and I entertained his conversation.

Andy mentioned grabbing something to eat. When they had decided to head back home, they kindly invited me. I accepted but I didn’t really want to go. I let Jr. know what we were doing and he didn’t respond. My anxiety got worse and I was feeling frustrated.

I was on 2 hours of sleep and I was already socially capped out for the weekend. I made up an excuse on the way to Redwood City as to why I couldn’t go and headed home to meet Jonathan, Nicky and Jesse for lunch.

By the time I got to Chili’s, I thought I was fine, I felt numb. I felt anxiety but seeing the guys normally helps me get through the day, today wasn’t normal. Nicky noticed how much I kept checking my phone. Nicky and Jesse took it away so I would stop. 

I almost started crying, what follows is what went through my head

“Was I not good enough? Was I not what he was expecting? Did I disappoint him? Did he expect a fully grown female? I am too emotionally unstable for him. Did he get bored of me? Am I not good enough? I’m not good enough for him. I have too much baggage for him, he wants a woman thats put together and thats not you. You aren’t remotely in his league. He’s out of your league. He has someone that is so much better than you. You aren’t the only one that he is trying to talk to him....”

It went on through out lunch, I zoned out so many times. We all transitioned to 7leaves Cafe.

On the drive there we came across my ex - Jay. He drove up next to the guys and said hello. I don’t think he recognized me, I slowed down and stayed behind. I didn’t want to be reminded, again, that wasn’t good enough for someone. We parked and I took a breather, I open the door locked the car and I started crying. I couldn’t hold it in.

What follows went through my head....

“I wasn’t good enough for Jay how am I going to be good enough for Jr.? How was he going to come to love me if Jay didn’t even love me. Jay got bored of me how was Jr going to stick around. He isn’t, he’s not interested in loving me. Nobody is.”

Jesse asked me if I was okay, because they know how I get when Jay comes around, all I could say is yes as I kept crying. As Jesse is giving me a hug he notices my car is rolling back. I forgot to engage the emergency break. I was done, I wanted to go home....

That’s my code phrase, “ I want to go home.” 

When I am balling my eyes out, when I have anxiety and can’t take it anymore, when I am on the phone with the suicide hotline asking for help... “I want to go home.” is how I know I am a danger to myself.

Andy texted me and let me know they were going to meet me at 6:30 pm for the photoshoot. I headed out to meet them.

As I waited for him to arrive I texted Jesus asking if we were okay.... I have been sensing us a little off lately and I was wondering if I did something wrong. He is a good friend of mine and didn’t want to damage the friendship we had built. As the conversation went on... Jesus confessed to me he thinks I “try too hard”, He meant I try to hard to be funny and I try to be cool when I drive. This hurt a little, but I convinced myself that this is what was wrong with Jr. and me. I honestly didn’t understand him completely but I wanted to stop asking him for an explanation, I told him I would take a step back from them to give them a break. I didn’t want to annoy them to the point where I am not invited out anymore. I kept my cool for a little while longer.

I sent these messages to Nicky, Jesse and Jonathan, Nicky he tried to make me feel better. He told me, in a very polite way, I should seek help because he knows it will help with my emotions and anxiety. He recommended a few non-profits that help individuals with low-income or no income.

When Andy arrived, we proceeded with the photoshoot and he asked me about Jr. I told him he hasn’t responded after I told him what was going on during the day. When we were done I went home they went to TiSane to meet up with the rest of the guys. 

When I came down the mountain from our location, I stopped in a parking lot and balled my eyes out. I wasn’t okay to drive. I wanted to go home but I couldn’t drive home. I sat there crying for about a half an hour.

Again... my brain went off with out a sign....

“Why am I like this? Why do I repulse everyone around me. Nobody wants to be around me. My own mother doesn’t want me and my own father didn’t want me from the beginning. How could anybody want me? I am not worthy of anything. I don’t want to be here. I don’t deserve to be here. I want to go home.....”

I took a breath. Lit cigarette. Drove home.

Monday June 24th -

I sent Jr. a message apologizing, asking if I did something to annoy him or to push him away. He responded saying “You did nothing wrong! What gave you that impression?”. I explained my concerns to a certain extent. I let him know I didn’t like feeling like I was bailed on twice this past weekend.

We went on with this conversation that lasted almost all day, I felt like I was shutting down everyone of his explanations, because I was. There was no reason for him not to tell me “Hey not today.” or “I won’t be coming out because I have things to do.” I understand. I let him know I would have understood. I asked him from the start that I wanted communication, that’s all I ask of him for now. He couldn’t deliver that for me at this point, I just hoped we could work on it in the future. There was tension. I could sense it the next morning when I wish him a good day.

Maybe it really isn’t me this time, at least not at this moment. Maybe he has no idea the potential of what could happen with us and it scares him. He hasn’t had a real relationship in 2 years. He hasn’t had something steady for a while. He has a kid and good life. He has more to lose than I do and that might scare him. 

By now I had already reasoned with myself...

Life isn’t easy and you can’t keep walking around with all your walls up. You aren’t going to learn and enjoy life. You can’t always jump to the conclusion that all the problems in your life are your fault. You have no control over how some people treat you, you only have control over what you let affect you. You have control over what you think of yourself. That has to be the most powerful benefit of growing as human beings.

Thats it for now folks. More on Jr. as time goes on.