abigailtan

[abigailtan]

Do I want to run for president?

[abigailtan]

If the God that you believe in has taught you to behave this way then I don't want to be a believer anymore.

Why would I believe in a God that teaches you to use me as a pawn. Who teaches you to be so god-damn fucking entitled. Who teaches you to victimise yourself every fucking time.

Why would I believe in that God?

And you're supposedly a very strong & steadfast believer. With faith rooted deep deep inside you. And your God has taught you everything that is evil in mankind.

I dont want to follow a God like that. Because I cannot reconcile what I've learnt and your actions.

[abigailtan]

You will never be happy

You'll always find something to be bitter about and for awhile I felt sorry for you. For a while I thought maybe I could bring you some joy. But then I realised that it's not my job. It's not up to me. So if you don't ever get to feel normal, that's just too damn bad.

I dont give a fuck anymore. I cant.

[abigailtan]

If I could turn back time, would I have changed my actions? Was it a missed opportunity? What was I thinking? Did I think it through or had I gone through enough trauma that I didn't want to go back to where it hurt the most? Because no one was thinking for me. No one was there for me. Sure my friends were my support, but they couldn't have told me what I should have done.

It still stings. It stings so much knowing that it was within my reach. All I had to do was grasp at it. That's all.

And now with the advocacy that I'm running. Me! It makes even less sense to pursue my dream without the blessing from everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. I'm advocating for a good cause. I'm educating, I'm fighting. And to pursue my dream is to point both middle fingers back at them, and that will eat me up at night.

What line should I draw when it comes to being selfish? How far can I go?

I want this so badly. Because it was my breath of oxygen. It kept me up at night because I was working on making my dream come true. And I know I would have been amazing.

Part of me wants to believe that I am where I I for a reason. That I shouldn't focus on the loss & keep my eye on where this new path takes me.

[abigailtan]

You suck

You've ran out of excuses

You're very unkind

You're incredibly selfish

You think you're right all the fucking time

You have a perceived answer in your head

No one can go against that or they are stupid

I dont want to care anymore

I dont want to bond anymore

I cant be arsed

I need to take care of myself

I dont want to share anything with you

I am happier without you creating mindless drama

You suck

Bye

[abigailtan]

I've been thinking. For as long as I talk to someone about it, or think about, I AM I fact AFFECTED by it. Let's just face that fact for a minute here.

Yeah it sucks. But I've been the adult 2/3s of my life. At 30. Which is why most adults I've met through my "childhood" says "you're so mature". I wonder if anyone thought about why I was mature. Why I said the things I said, why my thought process is the way it is. Mature but somewhat under developed. And I'm working on it. No thanks to anyone.

Sometimes I wonder how much smarter I would have been if circumstances changed. Not the whole poor as fuck part, but the nurturing part.

Can't change that.

Things are the way they are. I cant fight that. But what I can change is who I intend to become and how I'm getting there. I am learning to reparent myself. Wonder if they'd feel like I'm an ingrate if they ever hear this. Well, I wanted to be parented a certain way, and no-one listened. No one asked me what I wanted. It was always about them giving me the best they thought they did, which is why I am the fucking ingrate. But who cares? I do. Which is why I'm doing something about it.

I've gone past feeling sorry for them. I've gone past feeling like I have to fix their mistakes. So I no longer feel guilty about being selfish. Because when it was supposed to be about me, it wasn't. So now I decide that it's about me! I am reclaiming my right to my feelings & wellbeing. Whatever they may say.

I think I love them decently. Just not enough to kill myself over it. Why shouldn't they feel like crap? It's not my fault.

Also, this whole victimising one's self is getting old. I have no empathy left. It's also the reason why I'm questioning religion.

The people who were supposed to look out for me, the people who claim to be a child of God, the people who assumed that they were doing the best for me, ended up being the ones who reveled the ugliest side of humanity to me. They made me question if this is what Christianity is about. That you can arbitrarily cause people hurt while maintaining your bullshit innocence. These people proclaimed loudly to the world about their faith, their love, their beliefs.

Yes I have met amazing Christians. Yes I have in my own way felt how the Lord works. But I still question. I find it very hard to pray. I don't understand so much. But its all on me.

I will admit that I'm a women of science. Always science first. It has always been that way even while I believed. Science made more sense.

All these pain as taught me a lot about the ugliness of humanity. That even without war, without material gain, people will hurt you to protect themselves. People will be selfish just so that they feel better. So why not me? The only difference is that I wish I'll never have to hurt someone just so that I don't have to bear the pain.

[abigailtan]

I will do everything in my power to fight you. I will live the rest of your days proving how wrong you were. Im done blaming your parents. They cannot possibly compansate on the amount of shit they have put you through. But I am holding you accountable for the shit that you are putting me through! So anything that you find that I do is against your beliefs, I'm not trying to antagonise you. But if it does, its a fucking bonus.

[abigailtan]

Was reminded of you when I saw the box of your favourite mooncakes at home. Memories of you buying the suckling pig pastry & cute lanterns come flooding back. Its so weird that it has been more than 3 years since you've been gone. I miss you dearly. Happy mid autumn festival. 😊 🥮🌕 https://www.instagram.com/p/CE2xyX9lyte1BkAHJwTGlKDzMGvJPqC3nkMXg80/?igshid=j00vowxrz8gl

[abigailtan]

Somebody get me out of here!!! 😒 ugh. https://www.instagram.com/p/CEgtRdvleYATNMhUOnZpH7uvuZbO9_M2NQwoDw0/?igshid=d4mcd7sskun4

[abigailtan]

Reconnected with more family members today~ [In line with phase 2 measures hosts + 5 visitors] exchanged stories & we had a little peek of history. Well, mainly me. I had a peek of history. More to come~~ 😊 https://www.instagram.com/p/CEMR1ESlxO7ACLw3eP7sYpgSCDcxo5V8ooYmgo0/?igshid=lc9s39mqhx52

[abigailtan]

I guess “falling in love” changes in different stages of life? No infatuation. I’m slowing down. I’m taking time to know him. That’s nice.

I was thinking the other day; like how do I know if this is gonna work? Then I realised that it doesn’t make sense. 

Today’s chat was good. We are really comfortable with each other and it’s obvious that he prefers that to texting. ^ ^ I can’t wait for phase 3 and we can finally go out. Urgh. Also I made him plan it. I’m not entirely sure it’s a date? I not sure if the last 2 was a date either. So... ... Yeah. We’ll just see where this goes. 

[abigailtan]

Stand in solidarity with all front line staff. Let’s kick CIVOD in the arse.

[abigailtan]

I am amazed by the kampung spirit recently. With everything that has been going on around the world and here at home. Black lives matter, foreign worker lodging situation and COVID-19 that has been plaguing is since the beginning of the year. Last week a mum with young boys asked for clothes as they were outgrowing them. They are living in a rented flat and income is affected. So I reached out to colleagues and friends who can supply hand-me-downs. And I got more than just clothes. Yesterday someone who is ill and unable to find a job has 6 mouths to feed including his own. And 2 are young children under the age of 5. He needed groceries and adult diapers. But he lives on the other end of the island. So I reached out to block watch SG and some people on the goodhood app. And offers started pouring in. A lady is trying to get this family listed in a charity’s beneficiary. Which is more than what anyone can ask for. In all my years working in the pharmacy, often those who need help don’t know where to get help. And it’s heart breaking. I once had a lady who didn’t have enough money to go home from KKH and she walked. It has been uplifting to see strangers coming up and offering to buy groceries and even delivering to their door step. Strangers getting families in need into beneficiaries. 🥺 and all I did was match people up. Now to adapt to this new normal. Can’t wait to hashtag my solo trips. Urgh!! #SingaporeTogether https://www.instagram.com/p/CBtGw7aFRLlCJhA93Hk6ZRX8nMRuwK4BDaCkJY0/?igshid=14yewyvsh370z

[abigailtan]

Sautéed carrots & mushroom. Throw in corn. Throw in quinoa. Mix. And voilà! My dinner the next 3 nights. 😋 https://www.instagram.com/p/CBBdgyhFuUBn5KItGeWrwZ6plmJryb8amQO5G40/?igshid=1r1eijwdbnxgq

[abigailtan]

Black lives matter. #blackouttuesday https://www.instagram.com/p/CA8B1-QlQODF5YKEkSJ3iviE6cSfx2oz1xt0Xc0/?igshid=c8sfft9r9q8d

[abigailtan]

The new normal is gonna take some getting used to. I miss travelling. I miss planning my trips. I miss having something to look forward to (besides work and all the online classes I’m scrolling through). Right now is basically finding enough energy to get stuff done, actually getting stuff done, lazing in bed, actually getting tired of lazing in bed and finding energy to get stuff done. I am so restless. I’m tired, yet I’m not. It’s all so weird. Urgh. #throwback to Elgin. Scottish beaches where the skies stretch for miles. Where the sun shines so bright but it’s actually 3degrees. https://www.instagram.com/p/CAf-A7QFffZZnu1FXFJgEXjGfPi_bNL7FC2mS00/?igshid=iraxrrrchvpg

[abigailtan]

Okay I think I really do like you.

Just putting it out there.

For whoever to see.