abandonedaccountnowsadly

[abandonedaccountnowsadly]

I think I'll start writing down what I eat and the calories in it, fun little thing to do to see how much of a fat bitch I really am

[abandonedaccountnowsadly]

Wednesday, December 20th, 2:02 pm 2023

I did the test, I was nauseous the whole time, I didn't want to fail, to embarrass myself in front of people who think I'm smart

I passed

I hate the photo, hate it, I look horrible

I said I just couldn't sleep, because I was nervous, I think I'm just addicted to my phone, I think I just like being alone and being able to sit in the silence of night and read, pretending life isn't real

My family is proud of me, I'm scared to drive though, I'm always scared, of everything and nothing at once

I don't have to punish myself though, though I did scratch myself at the office so I could ignore the anxiety coursing through me, the Lady was nice enough, but I'm still not comfortable with my dad fully after not knowing him for most of my life, it's awkward, it's weird, and I am still a bit resentful it's taken this long to do the test, even if he's had time, I wish I was important

2:05 pm

[abandonedaccountnowsadly]

I'm not sure what I'm doing here, I suppose I just want to get my thoughts out, somewhere where nobody knows it’s me.

Tuesday, Dec 19th, 2023, 10 PM

I'm going to get my permit tomorrow, I've practiced, not as much as I could, Im not as motivated or smart as people think I am in real life, I'm too tired to study how I wish I could

I did the practice test, I read some of the manual, it was okay, I won't remember a lick of it tomorrow when it matters though :)

I have wanted to do this for so long, but first I wasn't allowed my birth certificate, then when I finally had it no one made it important enough to take me

I'm never important enough

I'm nervous, im scared I will fail, if I fail people will see I've failed, they will judge me, my worst fear is being thought of as a failure or dumb, I want to be seen as smart, I will show people I am smart, if I am not smart I am nothing but impatient and sarcastic, no one likes that

I am mean a lot, I guess I lose my temper with people more than I mean to, I am scared of showing myself as soft, softness looks weak and I want to be strong, I KNOW showing weakness and admitting fault and apologizing is strong, but my brain doesn't accept that, so I fail

What am I but a failure, hidden beneath layers of false knowledge and smarts and wit

Maybe if I hide my failures long enough people won't see what a fraud I am

It's 10:10 pm now, now it's 10:11, time ticks by and I am not yet asleep, I wish I was high, floating in nothingness, my brain muddled with marijuana until I am nothing but a floating mess of thoughts that make no sense and I am free

I wish I had the guts to cut myself, I've hit myself, the pain is freeing but I do not like the feeling of my blood pooling into a bruise

I wish I could cut myself, but I hate the feeling of my flesh splitting open, it makes me nauseous, and yet the blood is mesmerizing, I've done it once and I panicked and haven't done it since

I've scratched myself, God Is it nice, to feel my arms burn and turn red and to feel the welts

Am I a fraud for it, am I hurting myself only for attention?

My thoughts are everywhere again, I'm going to go read my stupid fanfics and forget about life for awhile, ill let you know how the test goes

Hopefully I don't fail, if I do I'll punish myself, I'll say it now, no eating for a day

Goodnight everyone, it's 10:14 now