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avpd culture is scp-096

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another way I've been challenging my avpd is by using letterboxd. Logging what movies I watch, and I do my best to write a review for every one, even if it's it just a "I liked this 👍"

It's good because it

makes me be Visible and leave evidence of my existence (even if no one actually reads my logs/reviews haha)

makes me Expose Myself (share what I'm watching and when) in a safer environment where there can't really be any judgement

makes me express my thoughts (writing reviews) and getting used to the idea that I'm allowed to have thoughts and opinions and that I'm allowed to say them, and that I can't be "wrong". reviewing films is very subjective, it's just what I personally liked, there's no wrong answers

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I'm getting a support worker soon. I'm terrified. I really don't want to, despite really needing one. I've been putting it off for so long, partly bc of avpd, partly bc of bad experiences with support workers thats made me scared to try again. I feel so guilty that I've put it off for this long, and finally taking the steps to get one feels like a shitty thing to do. In my head its acknowledging that it should've been done sooner, that I've been wasting time and resources, and I should continue on without because thats the more morally right thing to do, the less scary thing to do. Acknowledging it makes it real and makes me a bad person. I know that's irrational, but I really can't shake the feeling

I'm so scared. I will be spending time with someone I don't know 3-4 days a week. I will be made to leave the house, interact with multiple others. I feel sick. I know it's what's the best for me, but right now, it really doesn't feel like that.

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(suspected) avpd culture is being in your 20s and never having ever been on a date or kissing anyone before

~

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@complex

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i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

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emotional neglect didnt even affect me that much. it was the being born inherently without value that did most of the work

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who up wanting so badly that it's tearing them apart from the inside

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Pokemon Go has been doing wonders on getting me out of the house. I've even friended someone on the app who I don't know/isn't "safe" and only freaked out a little bit about it. We haven't talked or interacted or anything beyond fighting a raid together and sending each other initial gifts but thats okay

I went for a walk this morning to the little corner store. The cashier was nice and I said more than the bare minimum, wishing her a good day. On the way back home, I passed an older man (who was in a dressing gown, living his best life) and he smiled real big at me and asked how I was going. I smiled back and answered and asked him the same (he was going good) and it was a nice interaction.

My avpd symptoms have been worse lately (same with bpd but this aint about that) and I've been stuck in the mindset of "I'm never going to change, I'm going to feel this way forever", but its moments like these that give me hope. I am capable of feeling okay and being able to feel like a normal person instead of a raw nerve. This morning has been good, lets hope the rest of the day is as well

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apparently everyone is sick of my shit and they’re going to kill me tomorrow. idk it’s just what I heard

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my daily habit of continuing on

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they call me the problem ignorer for reasons that i know but dont feel like addressing right now

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*literally choking with want* nah man it's fine DW about it

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My housemates owe me ~$300 for various things (not counting the $1500 that one of them owes me) and none of them have paid anything or acknowledged the message I sent about it, which I thought was fine, we're all struggling with money, its fine!! But then they immediately paid back another housemate for something. Took them less than a day. What the fuck am i doing wrong

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I. Do not like that i have more than enough medication in my room to kill myself with if I decided to. I'm not supposed to have access to it like this. Because of suicidal ideation. It really feels like the world is trying to call my bluff, not taking me seriously. My housemate gave me all these meds despite me talking to them yesterday about how I shouldn't have access to them. I'm not sure if I should say something? I don't want to cause concern and it's pretty likely I wont actually try to kill myself. But I'm in a pretty bad place rn

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I was so happy to finally have friends for the first time in my life. And now I can feel them get more and more annoyed at my presence and want less to do with me. I'm not worth it. And i understand, but fuck. It hurts a lot. I would rather never make friends than lose the only ones i have like this

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a little while ago, I wanted to order food via uber but was having a really bad day and couldnt stand the thought of anyone seeing my name. I asked my sibling to order on their phone instead, and offered to shout them something

they commented "I'll do it this time, but next time you have to do it because I won't enable you" and I think about that all the time and I still get so hurt and angry about it

I order food on my phone All Of The Time. I was having a bad day and wanted help. Also, I help them with things All Of The Time. They have a really bad phobia, and I help them avoid it or deal with it constantly. I do things so they dont have to. I check warnings so they don't have to. I hold their hand when they need it.

I never considered it enabling them. I was happy to help. Why is it different with me. Why is it different when I ask for help.

I want to bring it up and talk about it because once again I am so hurt but also. I dont fucking want to do that. I'm afraid they'll get angry or it'll turn into a fight. So I guess I'll just never ask for help like that again.