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I think theres something wrong with me. I dont care about others as much i "should", i think. I know I have low empathy but this feels different. My immediate family members have always been in and out of hospitals, sometimes with Really Serious Shit like a brain aneurysm or having most of a lung removed due to cancer. Every time everyone else is so worried and crying and breaking down, but I just. dont. really feel that much. I care about them, yes, but I dont care about them in the same way that they care, I think. I dont know. I always feel like an asshole just standing there silently while everyone else is crying

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sorry i have been spending a lot of time with family recently due to. unforseen events. and before that some other stuff got dredged up so im doing. badly. and ruminating on childhood stuff

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Not avpd related but i dont know where else to put this. Rambling about childhood trauma/neglect. Delete later

driving myself insane trying to remember how bad the neglect i faced was. It felt bad. But my siblings have told me things i dont remember. Apparently my mum used to brush my hair when i was little. I dont remember that. All i remember was having messy, knotted hair, sometimes matted. I remember having to cut some knots out once because i couldnt brush it out. But she did brush my hair? At least when I was really little? I dont know. Now im wondering if it was neglect or if it was me being lazy. I live in a country where school uniforms are mandatory. I would wear the same clothes to school for weeks on end, sometimes months. I was dirty. I was always so self concious about it. Was i just being lazy?

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This is really gross but i would go days or weeks without changing my underwear, or showering, weeks or months without changing my bedsheets or brushing my teeth. I still struggle keeping up with that. Im so ashamed. My dad yelled at me for being dirty, but he would make fun of me and my siblings for being prissy or girly if we wanted to be clean or nice. He made fun of me to his friends one time because i wanted to shower inside instead of just standing under an overflowing water pipe. I cried in my room about it.

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He made us pee and shit in a bucket and cover it with sawdust and empty it into a compost bin instead of paying money to install a toilet. Ive never publicly admitted that. I feel like dying. He didnt even bother making a proper, safe, hygienic composting toilet, those exist, he just brought a bucket and put a piece of wood with a hole cut out on top of it. I have nightmares now and genuinely am triggered every time i need to go to the toilet

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nonhuman avoidant

. . . a flag for pwAVPD who are also nonhuman in some way, shape, or form.

. . . flags made by me. credit is required

. . . avpd symbol cred

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i feel so left out. like everyone around me knows how to be a human and i don’t.

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im so sick of physically abled people describing their disorders/symptoms/experiences as "crippling".

crippled does not mean profoundly disabled and not all cripples are profoundly disabled.

yes im sure your experiences are debilitating, disabling, profound, etc... but unless your symptoms manifest physically in a way that disables you (which isnt exclusive to physical illnesses), you are not crippled.

you do not need to use a slur to demonstrate severity, especially not a slur has very little to do with severity in the first place.

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ive seen way too many posts that use the c slur (cr*pple) thoughtlessly. for example, saying things like "cr*ppling anxiety"

it is a slur towards physically disabled people, especially those with visible disabilities. not a word you use to describe something. the word you're looking for is "debilitating" - "i have debilitating social anxiety"

I. am not abled bodied actually however this is something that I cannot reclaim. I am repeating what physically disabled people (especially people I know irl) have told me and have talked/posted publicly about. Please stop throwing the c slur around so casually and carelessly

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I've had "cripple" shouted at me from cars while I was walking down the sidewalk with a friend. I've had "cripple" shouted at me in the hallways of schools. I've been referred to as just "the cripple" by people who knew my name. I've had abusive parents use "cripple" to demean me. I've had "cripple" used to mock and dehumanize me for my entire life.

I'm also autistic and have several other mental and cognitive disabilities. every single time I was called a cripple they were referring to my legs not my mind. they were referring to the same legs they called "something out of a horror movie" the same legs they were grossed out by because they twist and bend the wrong ways. they were referring to my limb difference and my mobility aids. it was never about my mind.

and don't think that it's just because I was never called slurs for my mental disabilities. I was constantly bullied and mocked with the r slur, I was called schizo and psycho and crazy, but never, not even once, did they reach for "cripple" as the word to attack me for my mind.

it is just not your word.

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oh ok

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genuinely insane how difficult it is to participate in your own life

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I want to be somebody's buddy. and I want to be somebody's buddy back.

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trying hard not to be controversial here .. trying not to step on any toes but ……… i like some things 😳 and i………. dislike some things 😳 and. sometimes i even . don’t care about stuff 😳 Please dont hate me im sorry

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I remember one time I was telling my housemate that the main reason I havent killed myself yet is because they wouldn't be able to afford rent without me and I didnt want to be the reason why they got evicted. And my housemate replied that "oh, they actually have a thing in place that if someone you live with dies suddenly - like from suicide - that you get rent relief for a little while. so we wouldnt be kicked out" and I. think about that a lot. thank you for that information

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have you ever been admitted to a mental hospital?

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I told the disability support workers my chosen name today. and asked them to use it over my deadname. they agreed, it went well :)

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being trans is hard, and having avpd is hard, and together they make it very, very hard. to be visible, to others and to yourself. to think you "deserve" to be trans, to accept yourself and let yourself exist as your true self. to open yourself up to change. its incredibly hard to do that in private, even harder to come out to others and exist openly

to my trans brothers and sisters and siblings, I love you and I support you. closeted or open or some secret third thing, I'm proud of you <3

happy trans day of visibility 💙🩷🤍🩷💙