a-hopeful-pessimist

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

Normally in a week,  I will work 3 days (separated). But this week due to scheduling issues and overtime shifts, I worked 5 days in a row. They all have been really crappy days. Like, super understaffed and a bunch of ambulance runs/patient walk ins who are really sick. On my fifth day, I was just trying to survive. And phuc showed up at my house at 5 am with starbucks, breakfast, and an extra snack to eat with my packed lunch. He drove me to work and picked me up. we got dinner after and he hung out with me until I knocked out. i love him so much. the true mvp

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

I had a pt when i first started working as an RN that i still cry about when I think about her. confused, sepsis, fluid overload, edematous, DNR. she was dying. it was her time. i respected her DNR status. But i was so heartbroken. the least I could do for a dying patient is be with her and comfort her. She only spoke mandarin so I used a translator but she was so confused she didnt know the translator was talking to her. she was dying and confused and probably scared. it broke my heart. she passed the next day after my shift. i probably cried 6 out of my 12 hour shift and i cried all day the next day when my director texted me about her death.

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

Mere is a nurse I respect highly. I went to the same school as her, and she gave me hope that I could be a competent nurse like her. If the school I went to produced a nurse like her - competent, confident, knowledgeable, and able to handle her shit - then I can too (of course she learned that through experience as well). I learned a lot of my skills from her. I do my IVs the same as her, and I learned charting through her. Yesterday, a nursing student (same program as me) told me that I’m her Mere. I was about to cry man )): 

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

Moments I’m proud of - 

Noticing a female patient was presenting with signs of myocardial infarction but came in for syncope episode 

Assisting in triaging a patient for fall and realizing there are neurological issues. Addressing it to the nurse and her shrugging me off. Completed a neuro assessment and determined she was having a stroke and addressing it to the physician. Always trust your gut. Go further in your assessment to try and confirm. It only takes a few minutes, but can make a huge difference. 

Understanding pathophysiology of conditions and being able to suggest treatments

Having a patient and her daughter tell me I am a good nurse that cares for her patients. She told me she hated my hospital because of the staff, but she loved me. I always disclose (at the time) that I’m a student, and she was shocked. 

Having health care professionals believe I am a reliable registered nurse even tho I am/was a student. 

I have had 0 motivation to study, and I think it’s because I am away from the hospital setting. I have to remember that moments like these is why I want to be a nurse. I want to help people, I want to improve people’s quality of life, and I want to see growth. 

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

Multiple sad cases at the hospital yday. I try not to think too much about the people who pass because it takes a toll on my mental health. A patient passed away, I saw him take his last breath. But I did not have an emotion to it. I did not think too much into it. This individual has passed, and I hope they are at peace. But one of the nurses talked about how its so sad he passed on the day the hospital stopped allowing visitors unless the patient is close to passing. So the patient died without family. The son was already informed before the dad passed away, but he didnt get to the hospital in time. And I had to tune her out. I can't think of all of that or it will kill me.

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

I thought my biggest fear in nursing was what to do if a patient asks if they're going to die when you know they're going to die. I've learned that there's 2 approaches - talk about their body or tell them you are doing the best you can. But I've learned that one of the hardest things is shutting myself off and acting like everything is ok. It's having a patient come in for "passing out" but finding out they had a STEMI 10 days ago and their prognosis is low. But they dont know, and its not within my scope to tell this patient. And so every time I come in the room, I have to pretend everything is ok. Speak happy. Smile. Warm energy. This shit kills me. It genuinely kills me inside. Or you go through a hell storm, and have to enter another patient's room happy. There are 2 patients that will forever be ingrained in me. I will never forget them. I tell myself, I have mourned for them and cried for them. And I have to move on. But it makes me wonder if ED is for me. I love ED. But the good stories of the ED doesnt feel like a victory. A good story is when a patient comes in near death and you stabilized them but their prognosis is still low. But they're still alive when they left you. And it feels so hard to take that as a win.

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

27 June 2021

I have been really bad at updating. But! I went to Utah (I hope to post pics at some point lmao). Today I submitted my 2 weeks notice. It's so bittersweet. I was hoping they would let me do per diem for just 6 more weeks and come back as full time. But they wanted full time now or resign. I decided right now is the best time for me to resign. I wanted to stay because I wanted to keep my clinical skills and keep myself already pass the door for an RN position. But I see that they're hiring a bunch of people and the other nursing student will be offered a part time position during a time frame she does not even like. So my options seem to be 1) work 3 days, go to school 2 days, and another hospital 1 day that takes me an hour commute one way OR 2) resign, focus on myself, relax, and pass school and NCLEX with more ease than if i were to be working full time. Either way, my foot is through the door. The staff members have told me to let them know when I pass boards and that they would put in a good word for me. The unit director who is now the Chief nurse executive also really likes me and knows me by name. I am in a fortunate position. Even if they do not hire me as an RN, I hope that my certifications, degree with a MSN, and resume/hospital experience will allow me to find work elsewhere.

I am so grateful for this position. I have learned so much and made so many amazing friends. What I knew before work vs what I know now is IMMENSELY different. I have cared for patients of my own. I am so much more confident in myself as nurse (in training hehe). I have grown so much.

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

Phuc is such a ride or die haha. We went down to cerritos to get my friend a bday present and buy a skimboard. Cerritos did not have it and we ended up going back home to buy one. (Mind you, this was like a 4 hr thing). And I was scared he was gonna be mad because we did such a roundabout trip. But he was just vibing. We had good food and had fun on our mini adventure. We got a board and went to Huntington. His approach to doing something new and my approach are very different. He's very "let me ease into it, and slowly learn" while I'm very "im gonna run and do it and hurt myself and learn." So I fell so many times and hurt myself. BUTTTTT i made progress!!! He went on significantly less than I did, but he was getting there!! We planned on going back today but tbh we're both sore and broken HAHA

Note - We are still in a pandemic. Both of us are vaccinated and we made sure to pick a secluded off section where we didnt interact with anyone.

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

My Unit Director remembers our one interaction from october. OCTOBER. That was like 6 months ago???? The unit was busy and I was working with my nurse. We got an ambulance run. I set up the IV kit, EKG, and monitors so that when the pateint came, we could get the ball rolling. And she brought it up to me a few days ago. LIKE ??? WOW. She said she would never forget that interaction because she never expected a student to do all of that. I keep saying I got my job because some of the nurses vouched for me. And I’m 100% sure that it helped secure my position now. But I gotta give myself some credit because that was my first interaction with her ever and she remembered. 

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

People don't realize how much strength it takes to pull your own self out of a dark place mentally. So, if you've done that today or any day, I'm proud of you.

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

When you crave steak so he cooks a whole steak meal for you and your fam and its AMAZINGGGG

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

This is my first 4 day gap between work and WOW ITS SO NICE??? I FORGOT HOW NICE IT FELT TO HAVE A GAP THIS BIG AND I’VE ONLY BEEN WORKING FOR LIKE A MONTH????????????????? Its definitely worth working 3 days in a row for a 4 day gap. I might change my future schedule to fit something like this bc 2 break days btwn shifts dont allow me to relax and run errands 

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

One of the nurses told me how nurses are very resilient. It made me realize that working in tents, working with COVID patients, seeing people pass, not having proper hand washing stations etc has not impacted me too much. So am I resilient or am I really good at suppressing my emotions?

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

"oh i like challenges"

We had an aggressive patient. I started checking for signs of stroke, and homeboy hurt me. He gripped my fingers and twisted. Threatened to hurt me. I also needed to start an IV on this patient, and he told me how a nurse poked him with a needle, he flinched, the needle broke and he wanted to hurt the nurse. AND I JUST STOOD THERE, HOLDING MY NEEDLE LIKE THE GIRL FROM THE SCENE OF BIRDBOX WHEN SOMEONE HAD TO LOOK WHILE ON THE BOAT. I flashed a look to Steven and bless his kind soul. He and I are so in sync that he knew exactly what I was thinking and nodded to assure me he was with me and would try to keep me from getting hit. Mind you, i come into my shifts with the mindset of "i might get a concussion. if they hit me, they probably have 1 good hit before i can get away." Anyways, I stood there actually shaking. I felt my heart thump out of my chest. I was scared I wouldnt get the vein in the first poke and have to deal with angry him. But i got it in one try! He and I also just sat down and talked. We held intimate conversations, he cried, and he completely calmed down. Tbh this is just a huge reminder of why I want to be a nurse. I love the skills that I do as a nurse, and I love being able to understand my patients.

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

DO IT FOR HER

(her being you )

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

I'm so bad at updating stuff now. I dont even use half of my social medias.

I got hired as a full time nursing student! This is the first time the BRN allows nursing students to work and get clinical hours (in the past, you couldnt count paid hours as clinical hours). So I got super lucky. One of the nurses loved me and so she hyped me up to the unit director. The unit director has also seen me work in the ED unit. So I did not have to interview for the position. This is my first time working at a place that provides me 401k, health insurance, and pretty good OT pay!

[a-hopeful-pessimist]

I applied to a couple hospitals for nursing student positions. After being ghosted for 2 weeks, I just assumed I didn’t get the job. I got a call yesterday from one of the hospitals and they offered me a position! I am in process of doing the background stuff, and they asked me to come in tomorrow for a health check up (?) BUT NO TIME? so i emailed and pray they email me back. I’ll call them at 3pm if they do not answer. I am beyond grateful for this opportunity. I won’t be able to say “they dont pay me to die” so I have to actively try not to die. Phuc’s family is so sweet, they’re so happy for me. I got a phone call, and Phuc and my mom were discussing how i got the job and i need to take them out to eat BEFORE I EVEN KNOW I GOT THE JOB. Bless the ED nurse who hyped me up to the director because I was given the position without an interview <3