a-heartlessromantic-blog

[a-heartlessromantic-blog]

posted to another blog on 4/23/20

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1902Y0MgQ0G4fR85aLhNGbkqc5vrhJIGa?usp=sharing

when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

[a-heartlessromantic-blog]

Fast Forward to Hell

Imported from other blog - written 12/2/19:

while it may come as no surprise to you, the realizations i've finally come to, they were certainly a blow that hit me with a force i couldn't have begun to prepare for. to put it as simply as possible? I love you, still. I miss you indescribably. I am so proud of you and jealous too. I love seeing you -albeit only in pictures- as a father, like I always dreamed I'd make you be. I hate it as much though because you're a father to children that didn't come from you and me. I hate you for becoming the man I needed you so desperately to be, but only after I couldn't wait any longer for you to be him. I'm happy for you because you do look so stupidly happy. But I may never forgive you for the fact that that happiness isn't with me. It may never could have been though. The way you look in the pictures I've seen of you and her, and those kids, is how I know that the hardest decision I ever made was the right one, for at least one of us. Because even though when I made it, i thought i was making the choice that was right for me, that would bring me to the happy ending I wanted so badly, i'm still glad i made it, because it brought you to the place you were meant to be, turned you in to the man i always knew you could be - that you were all along - and helped get you to the woman you now love the way you once loved me. or actually that's unfair. the love you have for her is entirely separate and is a different and more real love all on its own. our love was all consuming - which i mean in a good way and a bad way - and it was everything i ever dreamed of --- until it wasn't. until it stopped. until i stopped or you stopped or we both stopped, i don't know. i guess i never will. but i know now that in having to let go of you so suddenly and so completely, i had to push away all the happiness and love and focus on the pain and heartache just to get through it. and i'm glad i did because as idiotic as it may be, it helps me feel like maybe i gave you some small gift by donig all that that lead you to the happiness i always dreamt of for you. that just maybe i am still one of the tiniest pieces of the puzzle of your life that brought you to your real happiness. i dont mean that we werent happy, because we were. and when we were happy, we were stupidly so. i have nothing i can even compare it to. just like i have no way to describe the void its absence has created in me either. ive thought i was happy at times since you, in spite of you, but those times never last.. because they weren't ever built on anything real. no one has, can, or ever will know me the way you did. i wont let them. not intentinlly, but beause im utterly unable to be that open to another human being ever again. ill never share my life with another person like i did with you or see myself through someone else's eyes like i could through yours. 

it's been over 3 years now and i've finally let it all go - the pain and heartache, the anger, and confusion. it doesn't matter anymore to me why you did the things you did or why i did or how we got there or what we could've done differently. i regret it so much that i couldn't find a way to fix us but keep us together but i think our ending was what you truly needed to be the man you are now. i think i probably turned into a shitty version of myself while you were becoming your best you. i did so much stupid shit that i can't take back and some i'm still doing. soem i dont know how to get away from or turn my back on. people included. i can see things and people for what they are and acknowledge that i would be better off without them in my life but i can't make myself do the necessary things to set that in motion. not least because i can't handle being alone again. that nearly killed me every day. not just beig alone but being alone and without you. and the thought of doig tht all over again - being alone without you and now without even a best friend to see me through it all - is apparently too much for me to stand to bear because otherwise i wouldve done it by now. 

maybe i dont know how to be alone. i only ever wanted to be a wife and mom, so it's ironic that a wife is what i'm worst at, and even god thought i'd be a bad mom so he didn't let me become one. another ironic thought is that i am what ruined us, ruined you. i brought out the parts of you that ultimately broke us in the end. and while i was running away from all thigns that even resembled those about you, i ran into g. and then i did it to him too. ha. amazing right? but this isnt about him. this is about me and you. words i never thought i'd say again. 

the truth is though that lately i cannot get you off my mind. i miss you, your laugh, your ability to not take life too seriously, to make me less in my head, how you were

[a-heartlessromantic-blog]

The 5 Stages of Divorce

I’ve read somewhere that the five stages of divorce are the same as the five stages of death. I never got it. I always thought that was so idiotic, I mean a divorce is CHOSEN at least by one party and the both people live on and go about their lives in one way or another. 

It wasn’t until my world imploded that it started to make sense. The main dispute I have with the theory now is that they imply that the five stages occur in some semblance of order... as if you’re going to start with denial, then anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. They lead you to believe that some might overlap while the next stage starts but that ultimately in the end, once you reach acceptance, you’ll have completed your stages and are thus ready to move on. This is a lie. 

The stages aren’t stages at all. They’re waves. They are unrelenting tidal waves that come in no predictable pattern and misguide you to thinking it’s over just before the next wave crashes into you and you’re drowning all over again.

So for me.. in no particular order these are the stages as they pertain to me.

Denial... the person I love couldn’t possibly have done this {insert whatever hand you got dealt} to me. I can’t believe this is my life! Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I don’t know what I think I know. Maybe I’m asleep and I’ll wake up happy.

Anger... how DARE that sorry piece of shit lie/cheat/etc on ME! I was everything he asked me to be. I sacrificed! I gave up part of me! Who does he think he is! I’m the best he will EVER have. I gave him every part of me and it wasn’t enough. 

Bargaining... please God if I try harder, if I do more, if I give up more of me, can we get back where we need to be. Just tell me what I need to do to make this better again. 

Depression... this one is my own personal hell. This is the one where I realize how even though the papers aren’t finalized and we’re still technically married, that our marriage has been over for years. This is the part where I realize I already miss him. Not the him that he is now, but the him I married. The version of him I still love with all of me. It’s also the part where I realize that if I cave, I’ll never see that man again. This is the wave that bleeds onto all the other waves. This is the wave that makes it impossible for me the breathe and to feel physically ill all the time. This is the one that makes me desperate to hear his voice, to find a way to fix this, to just make this unrelenting nightmare end. This is the stage/wave/mindset that I’m the most trapped by.

And finally, acceptance... this is the part where realization crashes back into me again. These are the moments when I realize that I could never have given enough, done enough, changed enough, bargained enough, or ignored enough to prevent this from happening. The part where I know I cannot resurrect a dead marriage. This when I realize the man I knew is gone and also the part where I wonder if he was ever real to begin with. And even though I know this, the other waves are still crashing into me even as I type this.

You’d think the realization of all of this would help a person to cope, but it doesn’t. If anything it makes it worse because you doubt yourself even more. You wonder why you had to wait for irrefutable proof when you’ve known for so long that something wasn’t right. I wrote this strictly to help me figure out what I feel. But it didn’t.... I’m still just as confused. I’m in just as much pain. I wish it had helped like I thought it would. But seems I can’t trust my own thoughts and opinions these days. 

For anyone else going through this though, you are not a failure. You deserve to be cherished. You are wonderful and you are enough and you deserve a happiness you can’t even fathom. And so do I.

Here’s hoping we all find that. 

[a-heartlessromantic-blog]

My life in 3 song lyrics:

1.  

 If this is all we're living for Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore

I used to recognize myself It's funny how reflections change When we're becoming something else I think it's time to walk away

2. 

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow? What do you do with the left over you? And how do you know, when to let go? Where does the good go, where does the good go?

3.

 And I think you should be somethin' I don't wanna hold back, Maybe you should know thatMy mama don't like you and she likes everyone And I never like to admit that I was wrong And I've been so caught up in my job, Didn't see what's going on But now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own

[a-heartlessromantic-blog]

The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it’s all that matters.

Audrey Hepburn

This morning I am so beyond miserable it’s unreal. A few weeks ago, my husband and I had a fight and basically decided to give it another shot but to try to figure out if we’re happier more often than we’re not. Well, this just in: I am happier way less often than not. 

I’ve said since I was a little girl that my only goal in life was to be happy. Well, call me a failure because I am so blatantly not. 

Turns out my husband is the root (shocking, right?!). I think I’ve known that for a while but he just radiates disinterest and anger all the time. He spends all his time away from me. Every night he sits in the bathroom playing with his phone for hours on end. Literally, hours. I’ve asked him so many times just to come read in bed with me. And his response is always that he has no reason to. I’m not reason enough. He only shows the slightest kindness towards me if he needs something from me or if he wants sex. So basically I am a maid and prostitute, albeit a married and monogamous one. But that’s what I feel like nonetheless.

So.... the other day I got this waist trainer. I wear it 6 hours a day and amazingly enough it does work. I ate popcorn last night at the movies (and no, didn’t go with my husband, girls movie night because he won’t do that with me, or anything else). Anyway, I’m telling him about it in an effort to share my day (I work from home which he despises and talk about work just turns into how lazy I must be to work from home even though I work 9 hours and babysit in the afternoons as well as do all the housework, yard work, and cooking). Anyway - so in telling him about the popcorn he basically calls me a fat ass and lazy because ‘if i’d just go outside’ i would apparently be skinny and worthwhile. He keeps on and on about how I suck until I finally get pushed basically to tears and then he wants to act like I’m out of line for having a reaction to what he had to say. Just one time I would love to hear I’m beautiful and important, without it leading up to him asking me to do something.

All that said, I’m always back to where I started. I know the problem, but I’m too chicken to do what I need to do. Once again I sit here wallowing in self pity when I don’t deserve even my own pity much less anyone else’s. 

Until I can make a change, what else is there to be done?? 

I just hope sooner or later I’ll be able to do what I know I need to do. It’s just hard to throw away so many years when I have nothing to base a divorce on besides the fact that I married an asshole. I have my suspicions on other stuff but no proof. Story of my pathetic little life.

Right now, I’m trying to put everything I have left to give into my marriage. If I fail at this too, so be it. I’ll be glad to start over, even if it means starting from the bottom, from scratch. 

[a-heartlessromantic-blog]

a little self-analysis

Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you got here? I do, all the time. And I honestly have no idea. If you’d asked me 10 years ago, where I would be now... the life I’m living would be the furthest thing from the truth. 

10 years ago me would be appalled at my life now. The now me doesn’t stand up for herself, or ever put herself first. And I die a little more every single day as a result. I honestly believe my biggest problem right now is that I am not selfish enough.

Bad marriage? check. Unhappy with my job? check. A home I hate? check. The courage or resilience to change any of that? no check.

I’m not delusional enough to think that I didn’t land myself here. I know the choices I made or didn’t make got me to where I am. I just honestly don’t know how to get to where I want to be.

Where do I even start?

[a-heartlessromantic-blog]

She laughs without fear of the future.

Proverbs 31:25

Post 1 of my feeble attempt at blogging. This is more of a premise I guess, and I’ll get more into my own personal nitty gritty on future posts.

SO! Jumping right in:

I wanted to start with a quote that feels special to me. She laughs without fear of the future. Who is this ‘she’ and why can’t I be like her? 

She laughs because she is firm in who she is, she is strong in her faith, she knows herself, knows her worth, and will not settle for less. She does not let life’s little worries ruin her outlook. She doesn’t concern herself with the details that she is able to turn over to her God with absolute faith that he will handle without fail.She is who we should all aspire to be.

She isn’t petty cruel. She is happy and kind. She is generous and patient without fail. Others see her as a friend, an anchor, a blessing to their lives.

So many women let the idea of The Proverbs 31 woman intimidate them and start doubting their ability to try to live up to the standard she sets. We are imperfect. We all fall short at something or everything, either sometimes or all the time. That’s how life works. It tests us and our resolve. It  doesn’t make you weak to acknowledge that you’ve failed at an attempt. I think it actually makes you stronger. Admitting when I’m wrong has always been a hard thing for me, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth as I realize how or where I fell short. 

So I guess my point is, you don’t have to be that woman all the time or be upset when you aren’t able to manage it. You just have to want to follow her example. and I do. I want to be all the things so beautifully described in what is my favorite book of the bible. 

My only problem with the verse is that it’s interpreted primarily as being for wives, rather than all women. I am a wife but being married doesn’t define my view of myself. I am strong, and dignified, and determined, and valuable on my own and I think that’s the most important takeaway from this.

I am a work in progress but so long as I keep progressing, keep striving to be better, I am okay with that. I am not in competition with anyone but myself. And the only thing I’m competing for is to be better today than the person I was yesterday. 

“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” Proverbs 31:10

I am worth more than rubies. Each of us are. Imperfection isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s something to embrace, because without our shortcomings, we could never become better. 

[a-heartlessromantic-blog]

It occurred to me last night that I used to not only do a daily devotional, but I led them as well. I had such unshakeable faith and then life happened and the faith I had held on so tightly to started to slip away. Little by little my life devolved into who I am now and one morning I woke up and realized I don’t like myself, or my life, anymore. 

I’ve also always wanted to write something  that would matter. I’ve tried non-fiction, full blown fiction, novels, short stories, but I never make it very far before I realize that my writing is adequate at best. I mean, who in their right mind would pay to read about my mediocre life? So, I’ve decided to write just for me. If it helps someone else, that will be a wonderful, happy accident. Right now, I just want to write to make me feel better without having to try to tailor it to fit someone other than the person who needs it most right now... me. Selfish? probably. Necessary for me? Yes. And maybe, just maybe, I can get back to being someone I like.