a-hazy-memory

[a-hazy-memory]

Today a crack of thunder startled me while i was playing WoW with S. It was loud enough to even startle E awake, and he sat straight up in bed.

I don’t like storms here. Back home they were gentle rumbles of mayberain, but here they’re sharp cracks and rattling windows and the fury of the sky. It’s really scary! I wasn’t scared of storms back home, but here I am.

I jumped into bed with E for a bit and he cuddled close until I calmed down. He made sure I was okay before he let me go check on S. S, it turns out, was startled but mostly fine. He was more worried about me! (I was shaking. But when I shake I can never be sure, am I shaking because I’m scared and trying to let it out, or am I shaking because I want other people to think/know I’m alarmed? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m faking it, but then I can’t stop even when I’m aware of it... Like if I force myself to stop shaking, which I technically CAN do, it will feel uncomfortable and wrong. I really don’t understand...)

At breakfast today, everyone was able to grab a big handful of bacon off the plate. We didn’t have to worry about if everyone else was going to get enough, or how much there’d be left over. We weren’t limited to 2 slices. It felt really surreal, and D and I laughed about how decadent it was. E looked a little sad; he had a decent upbringing and never lacked for anything. He had toys he wanted, and private schooling, his dad is good cook so he got homecooked meals and meat with all of it. Hearing about our childhood tends to make him sad and angry.

It feels nice having someone be indignant on my behalf. To have someone who will hug me tight when I’m scared, and gently rub my back and pat my hair because he knows I like that. Who won’t make fun of me when I cry.

And I do cry. I cry now. I never used to, but now I’m a crybaby. I have so many emotions and I can’t hold them back anymore because it’s not necessary to. It feels weird. But also amazing.

[a-hazy-memory]

Ahhhh it’s been awhile!

Things are still going splendidly.

Well, D’s had a bit of a rough time. Her ex threw a big tantrum when she broke things off, stalked her online, even harassed me and S. It was really despicable. He seems to have gone away though. And then D met someone else, but he just toyed around with her and she ended it quickly. I’m proud of her, but I wish she’d find someone who’s actually nice and good like my E.

E is a good boy, after all. He’s a really uncommonly good man. I hope D and S someday find someone that’s as good for them as E is for me.

E’s dad has been visiting sometimes, he brings stuff E needs or that we can use. It’s been a huge help!

I think D wants to live somewhere on her own or at least have more of her own space. When the lease is up on this place, we’ll probably look into something bigger if D stays with us, or smaller if she moves into her own apartment. Either way, it will probably be back to S’s parent’s town (or the other town we were looking at before). Living in the city is convenient in some ways, but it’s the poor side of town so the roads are bad and the shops are questionable. Our house has been broken into in the past (not since we’ve been here, thankfully) and our yard is often barged into by various strange dogs.

I want a dog... A nice pitbull maybe, or a sweet lab. Something big and protective.

[a-hazy-memory]

Oddly enough, things still going great!

Trying to have a more positive outlook has really helped my attitude a lot in general. I feel a lot happier, more relaxed, and laid back. I still get anxieties and worries, but I can at least deal with them or communicate about them without falling apart.

Our apartment’s new landlord gave the downstairs to some sort of workshop where they work with tools, and that kinda sucked. He also tried to alter our lease a little. But we went house hunting (D and S basically wore their feet to the bone doing it), and eventually......... WE GOT A NEW HOUSE!

It’s three bedrooms, one bathroom, backyard, front yard, back patio, garage, large kitchen... In the poor side of Indianapolis, but you know what? It’s not so bad. Other than the people at D’s work giving her grief for living in Poverty Zone, but it’s not like they’re offering to cover our rent either.

E moved in with us! He’s gonna start looking for a job in this area, and lemme tell you. It’s really wonderful having him here and knowing he’s not going anywhere this time.

I did learn he has Autism, which was interesting and explained a lot of his behavioral tics. I’ve been having to confront some of my own misconceptions and prejudices regarding Autism and people who have it because of this, and that’s definitely a good thing. I didn’t even realize I had these assumptions inside of me, and they’re all challenged and brought to light now. I’m gonna beat em into submission!

Moving was hard, though I didn’t do anything. S and D packed up, and they (along with E) moved all the boxes and furniture. I sat in a corner out of the way and panicked until the moving was done. They left me alone in the house to go finish the move at like 6pm, and it was dark and scary and I literally passed out on the couch from stress, wrapped up in E’s leather jacket. I don’t have a phone, we didn’t have internet, and the cats were still at the apartment. When they got back, everyone said they were worried about me being alone too so they tried to rush. They also brought me back mcdonalds. XD It was the first time we’d all eaten in 24 hours! Yes, we are proper adults.

We found a company that delivers food to your door from various fast food and diner chains that don’t normally deliver, so that’s fun! We got Steak and Shake (a first time for me). The burgers taste like A&W burgers, they’re rly good! I got a very berry strawberry milkshake, which was also good. E got regular strawberry, and S got a cinnamon toast crunch milkshake. D was at work, we’ll have to get her one next time.

Gas/water company sent us a notice saying we needed to pay a deposit, but my account on their website had a 0$ balance. When I contacted them via live chat, they said the letter was an error. So that was some extra good news! We missed the internet van on moving day, so they rescheduled for three days later (luckily didnt charge us an inconvenience fee for missing the appointment). We used E’s phone as a hotspot for a couple days, but now we have internet and it’s faster than our old internet by a lot!

Been playing WoW again, new expansion is coming out soon. I’m excited! I’m trying to talk myself into preordering it, but 50$ is a lot of money. But also, nightborne... Argh!

T will probably come visit in march, if she can manage it. Might be later, but it’ll be good to see her again! It’s been 5 years, I really miss her. I hope we can do some fun stuff with her! My old friend S wants to visit too, probably this summer, all the way from Australia! He wants to take us all to a theme park, so that’ll be fun too!

[a-hazy-memory]

ITS BEEN SO GOOD LATELY!

Made a discord for comic readers and its been fun meeting new people and seeing them chat. Made a new friend to play league with. Been hanging out with T again. E came to visit for a week and will probably be moving in sometime this winter at the latest.

Speaking of, NSFW info: sex doesn’t hurt me anymore. At least, not with E. It doesn’t make me sick or anything either! I’m really glad, it’s become something to look forward to rather than something to dread.

I told him I loved him and he tried to say it back but got nervous and stumbled and got embarrassed, it was really cute. When he left for michigan this morning he kissed my forehead and said ‘be back soon’ and i felt my heart break. I’m gonna miss him. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

My sister D moved in. S’s ex moved out. D has a new job she likes, and meshes well with everyone here. It’s been great! We’re gonna save up for a bigger place together and I’m really looking forward to it. I’m really glad my sister’s here where she can be safe and loved and surrounded by people who adore her, instead of back in Cali with the “family”/”friends” who used and manipulated and abused her. She deserves so much more than the small amounts of happiness I can give her, but I’ll do my best.

I’ve been exercising more, and bleeding less, and taking my vitamins. I’ve got a lot more energy, and I feel happier and healthier. Things are going great!

[a-hazy-memory]

Oof, it’s been rough.

I spent a month being so dizzy and lightheaded I couldn’t even stand for more than half a minute. Finally I went to the doctor for a medication renewal appointment, and she was worried about my symptoms so they ran a blood lab on me.

My hemoglobins apparently dropped to 5.6 which is REALLY not good. I spent 24 hours in the hospital because I’d built up antibodies so it was harder to find a transfusion match. Then they gave me 3 packets of blood.

S stayed with me (except for a couple hours in which they left to do laundry). We didn’t sleep much again, as is usual when we spend time in the hospital. Mostly we watched Tanked, and Star Trek: TNG, and Torchwood. We also ate a bunch of yummy hospital food (it sounds weird, I know, but the food at this hospital is really yummy!)

I’d had no appetite the past month, but after the transfusions I’ve been able to eat again. Day before yesterday I ate 8 hardboiled eggs, 2 cheeseburgers, a krispy kreme donut and a package of pork ramen! Yesterday I had four chili cheese dogs (I may have eaten more but I don’t remember). Today I’ve had a chocolate pudding and 4 hardboiled eggs (it’s only 11 AM though, the day is young!)

For the past month eating more than half a sandwich a day has been hard, so suddenly being hungry again is weird.

Ju is visiting his other boyfriend, but when he gets back I need to make some follow-up appointments with doctors. I really think getting a hysterectomy will fix a lot of my problems, the only difficulty is convincing the doctors... and my insurance company. Oy vey.

I’ve been working on a new renpy game. I’m actually doing really well, the basic stuff is all set up! Now it’s just onto the actual events and things. Hahah, the hard part... I need to work on the comic too! No buffer of pages or videos, how stressful. I did manage to finish a chapter of the story though!

I watched all of season 3 of The Flash in just a few days. Such a good season! I also watched the new season of Supergirl in a few days. It’s so easy to binge.

Also, the weather app says its sunny right now, but I look outside and there’s thunder and rain. Yeah, real sunny.

[a-hazy-memory]

E came to visit for a week, along with my sister D! She flew all the way out from California! It’s a full house with everyone here, but I kind of love it. We went for a walk together on Monday but everything was closed. EVERYTHING. Except one dive bar full of smoke and grumpy old people tossing us strange looks. S played some virtual bowling and was pretty good. We each bought one drink and left - D didn’t even have to pay for hers, it was pretty funny. Then S and D went home while E and I wandered off to Mickey’s to grab some snacks - he was pushing me in the wheelchair, and hoo boy the sidewalks in this town are a nightmare.

The other day we (me, E, and D) went to the cafe for breakfast/lunch, and the food was splendid as usual but there were some suburban white ladies there who made us really uncomfortable.

We went to the pub on the corner today and pretty much spent 20$ on jukebox music and played pool for 4 hours hahaha. We didn’t even really drink. xD We even managed to bring Ju along, he originally was just staying at home. He had a tonsil surgery the other day and is still recovering, so he couldn’t join us when we went out to dinner earlier today. E and I shared a banana split after dinner, he’s left-handed and I sat on his left (and I’m right-handed) so to make things fair we both ate with our spoons in our off hands. It was pretty silly, and we had to chisel with our spoons to break off pieces of banana!

E and I have been playing WoW a little, it’s been fun. We’ve also been going for walks and stuff, it’s nice getting out of the house and getting a little exercise though it’s a bit exhausting.

We started watching McElroy videos, they’re really funny! I like them a lot, no wonder they’re popular!

NSFW/TMI: 

E has been working on being more affectionate - touches, kisses, little gestures. He’s also been trying harder re: sexytimes, trying stuff with kisses (before we only kissed close-mouth, he’s been trying open mouth and tongue and biting my lip, its been nice), and letting me know when he likes doing stuff (apparently he likes giving massages! like full body ones! its very cute and sweet). He also finally managed to fully penetrate me without exploding the instant his cock got near my crotch. The first time/day we tried (this time) he didn’t get all the way in before he climaxed. The second time (this visit) he managed to get all the way in (it hurt like I expected, and it doesnt help that he’s got a bit of girth, but he went slow and gentle and eased in so it was alright). He still finished really fast, but he’s definitely improving. And it’s very cute that he gets so excited about having sex with me.

Sometimes he looks at me with so much affection and love written all over his face, and I have no idea how I’ve gotten so lucky. I love him so much.

[a-hazy-memory]

I started this diary as a way to keep track of things, but then I forget to even write in it lol

I had to go to the hospital last month for bleeding again. This time they kept me overnight. They had me on a liquid diet which was only discovered later to be an error, so for 36 hours I didnt eat anything but when I finally COULD eat the polish sausage and cheese and fruit and turkey and gravy was the best thing id ever had.

Turns out the IUD came out at some point (they did xrays twice to be sure). My hemoglobin level was 6.6. After two packets of blood, it only went up to 7.3. They want to do a birth control implant, and have me on progesterone pills rn. Apparently its why i keep bleeding, because the instant they gave me those pills the bleeding just stopped. It’s great! I still get a little blood occasionally but nowhere NEAR where it used to be. My energy levels are going up a little too! I’m really happy.

S is gone for a few days visiting a friend in another state. I feel kinda stressed they’re gone, and worried bad stuff will happen, but I hope they have fun and come home relaxed.

[a-hazy-memory]

We got a new kitten, named Stella

Shes very cute and sweet and cuddly and not very good at biting people. She likes to snuggle under blankets, and her meows are just tiny little squeaks. This little punkin squeezy toy I got at the dentist is her favorite thing, when she sees it she reacts like a puppy seeing a tennis ball. Our other cat didn’t like her at first, but is warming up slowly.

Ever since I stopped taking my depression meds I’ve been feeling better. Even when my depression hits, I know it’ll go away. And then I have the highs and the inbetweens where I can actually work and draw and do stuff and it feels SO GOOD TO BE PRODUCTIVE AGAIN

SO

GOOD

[a-hazy-memory]

it snowed the other day, big huge flakes and flurries

S, Ju, and I all went outside and threw snow at each other. It was really fun until my lungs decided they’d had quite enough of that ‘cold’ nonsense.

Our heater hasn’t been working for some reason. It was really cold for awhile, but it’s on now so maybe S succeeded in fixing it. Who knows?

I’ve been playing LoL again. I’m a mediocre player, but sometimes I get really good scores. How good I am definitely relies on how good everyone on my team is. The better the players I’m with, the better I play too. That’s how it seems, anyway...

Finally getting used to my upper denture. I can eat most things with it now, tho sometimes it still comes out if what im eating is solid and sticky to bite into (like chicken patty sandwiches).

I stopped taking my depression medication awhile ago. I think it helped. I was on a low plateau for a long time and couldn’t get anything done, but now I’m able to draw again and focus on video games and stuff. I think it was fogging up my brain. It worked for awhile, but... Maybe I built up a resistance? Idk. It kept me low for like 6 months while I wandered forward in a haze hoping it would end soon. And then I realized it’d been like that for SIX FREAKIN MONTHS, so I decided maybe it’s not just a ‘low point’. Maybe it’s the medication. Seems like I was right? I’m still taking my anxiety meds though.

Been having a lot more paranoid thoughts though. (Since before I stopped taking the depression meds, tyvm). I want to talk to a therapist, but we don’t have reliable transportation...

My sister’s gonna be moving out here though. She’ll come for a visit first, I’m excited. I really miss her. I haven’t seen her in LITERAL YEARS.

[a-hazy-memory]

I’m really grateful for the people I’ve met in my life. People who like my comic and help pay my bills in exchange for reading pages, or who commission me, or who treat me like family even though I’m not.

I really like being alive. The thought of getting old and eventually dying is really scary. I dont want these experiences to end. Even the painful things, even the sad things. I’m so glad I’m alive and able to experience all of them, and every time I think that some day my existence will end, I get really scared. I don’t really wanna think about it, but I can’t help it sometimes. I’m getting older. Everyone gets older.

I wish I could be immortal. Ageless. To drift forever through time, having endless experiences... Taking in everything! All the books I could read, things I could learn, languages and history and...

Ahhh, being mortal just isn’t fair...

[a-hazy-memory]

We went to CVS today and got a bunch of Halloween stuff for 75% off! Like 200$ worth of stuff, it was great. Lots of candy, and purple lights, and socks and slippers and a t shirt and a beanie baby... Mostly candy though.

We also saw a very friendly cat who let us pet him. He was very sweet! Kept trying to get in the garbage can though.

been drawing a lot again which is nice. Did a chapter of my story too! And been playing ACNL.

The new pokemon game comes out soon, someone bought a copy for me and one for S on preorder. I wanna get a 3DS for Ju so he can play games too.

[a-hazy-memory]

It was S and L’s birthday today so we all went out to Applebee’s! It was a lot of fun, our server was rly nice and the food was excellent. We played the trivia games and got halloween-themed alcohol in HUGE GOBLETS OMG SO MUCH but they were fruity and sweet and not alcohol-strong at all so it’s fine. L chugged her drink down before the rest of us even got through a few sips, it was hilarious! She also ate her entire dinner plate in the blink of an eye, even the server was impressed. She enjoyed herself though, so that’s good. S and Ju went to the liquor store to get some rum, it’s always funny when S drinks.

Been working on a game in Ren’py lately, i’ve gotten further in it than I normally do so maybe I’ll actually finish it! Or at least manage to get it playable, that’d be nice.

Season 2 of The Flash came out yesterday and I’ve been watching that too! It’s really good.

I mended S’s dress that broke earlier today. It’s a nice dress, looks really cute on them.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow that I’m scared for. 4 teeth pulled so I’ll have no more teeth on the top, but I’ll have a denture! I’m really nervous, I hope I do alright. I don’t wanna get worked up before I go, it’s always bad when that happens.

E came to visit for awhile again, it’s always nice having him here. I got him to admit he loves me, hahaha. I said it too, so it’s fine. He’s very cuddly in person, I like that a lot. Makes it easier that he’s not as affectionate online.

Also haven’t spoken to Ji in ages, which is probably for the best. He messages me sometimes but I don’t really talk back. It’s been better for my mental state, he really stresses me out.

Time to catch up on BnHA and work on my renpy game! And maybe work on a commission for my friend Se, I’m halfway done with one and he wants another after that. xD I swear, he’s a sweetie.

Also another friend, Ro, gave S 100$ for their birthday which paid for Applebee’s. I definitely have to thank them!

[a-hazy-memory]

that little voice telling you you’re shit? It’s a demon.

I mean that little voice saying you look like shit, that your friends secretly hate you, that nothing you do is worth anything. That tiny little voice in the edge of your consciousness that’s reeeeally good at mimicking the ‘sound’ of your own inner ‘voice’. You think it’s you and that you’re just repeating things you’ve learned/experienced, but it’s not.

It’s a demon.

And that’s how you beat it.

Don’t treat that low self esteem as part of you. Don’t be like “well I can’t help it” or “well it’s right though”. That thing? It’s an evil little demon trying to keep you from your true potential. The more miserable you are, the more you miss out on being happy or doing what you wanna do, the more it wins and the more powerful it gets.

Kick its ass.

Don’t let it win. Don’t treat it like it’s you. Don’t humor it or even listen to its bullshit. The reason it’s even there is because it’s afraid of what you can be.

Ignore it. Push it away. Yell at it. Tell it to go fuck itself. Scream ‘I AM A FUCKING DELIGHT’. Claw and bite and fight and punch and kick and win.

Tell it you’re amazing. Tell it you’re fantastic. Tell it it’s lucky to even be in your presence.

Tell it it has no power over you.

Keep it up. Don’t give in! Keep fighting! Even when you’re tired or having a terrible day, just keep fighting it! Don’t let it ambush you when you’re weak! Because we all get weak and it’s okay to be weak and it’s okay to retreat and regroup because then you’ll be able to come back even stronger and it knows and that’s why when you’re sad and tired and exhausted it gets louder, because it’s scared.

And one day, you’ll notice its voice is faded. If you strain you can still hear it, and when you’re having a really bad day it will still try to snarl at you. But it’ll be weak, and pathetic, and you’ll laugh.

And one day even further after that, you’ll notice you can’t hear it anymore.

And the fight will have all been worth it.

[a-hazy-memory]

ok so in my life i have one bad ex

just one

one ex who i let ruin way too many things for me for way too long

we used to play WoW together and I was so traumatized I couldn’t even bring myself to play the characters we played together on the server we chose, but I also couldn’t delete those characters for whatever reason

today, I deleted them

and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders

Like that’s all behind me now. All of it! It’s all gone and dead and buried and it won’t ruin my experience anymore or make me sad or just be a lingering shadow on another server. Idk it just feels like now, after so many years, now it’s completely closed up and healed for good. Even the scars are gone.

I’m better now. I can move on. I won’t let him hurt me anymore, I won’t let the memories hurt me anymore. He’s got no hold on my life any more, and never will again.

I’m free.

[a-hazy-memory]

last two months or so have been a blur of depression mostly

havent been doing much, not even drawing for the comics I have

just kind of existing

I got chapters of my novel done though and lately ive been feeling better so hopefully the fog is passing

our comic’s 5th birthday is in a couple of days, we got a cake!

[a-hazy-memory]

today was a good day

We went to the store (which was exhausting, i was bleeding and trying not to throw up) and got everything we needed

then we went to S’s parents house to use their grill

L and I made hot dogs and burgers and steaks (first we toasted marshmallows while waiting for the coals to heat properly) and I made deviled eggs and prepped the burger stuff (onions and tomatoes and things) and set everything out. I also drew on the cake!

Meme trash cake for the meme lords!

It was a nice day, 77 degrees out w a light cool breeze and the skies were clear and the rocking chair was comfy and there was only slight birdsong and the sound of wind chimes and I’m just very happy rn even if I hurt all over from running around doing stuff all day

[a-hazy-memory]

i had the worst nightmare. like i was living w my sister and watching out for her and stuff but one day she disappeared and i used magic to track her down i fucking looked everywhere man and I was chasing down this dude i just knew took her and it takes forever but i finally catch up to him and i go to confront him as im chasing him thru this big ol house always a few steps behind and i come to a room i know theres no other way out of somehow, and i see a full length mirror and idk why but i grab it and the villains laughing and like u dont wanna doooo thaaaat so i take the mirror and go around the corner and there's another mirror and i catch sight of myself in the mirror and IM THE VILLAIN and there's echoing laughter in my head and i realize i made up a villain cuz i couldnt cope with the fact that she died and i couldnt save/protect her so i convinced myself someone just ran off with her and I had to save her but i was chasing myself all along

woke up crying from that and couldnt even breathe

I really hope its not a sign and that it’s just from me being so far away from her and unable to help if she gets in trouble