a-cosmic-mess

[a-cosmic-mess]

St Trinian’s 2007, dir. Barnaby Thompson, Oliver Parker

[a-cosmic-mess]

30/09/24

Is genetic self-deletion a thing? Sort of like anti-natalism but it’s from a fundamental animal instinct that you are not well. And my genes, my animal instinct, my genetic desire to multiply has been overridden by the unavoidable fact that I am broken in some way. Malfunctioning. Sub-optimal. Deficient. Etc.

I have absolutely no desire to procreate. To make more “me’s”. To actively create a being born to suffer because their brain is so broken. I’m suffering by existing. I don’t want to exist. But I do, and now that I do I don’t want to give it up. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die. I would have preferred not being born at all, but I do.

I don’t even know what this feeling is tbh. Like it’s not like every waking moment is horrendous. It’s not, there are always large pockets of nice, but they are broken up with periods of utter fucking despair at the state of the world, and how being alive in this day in age costs way more than it’s worth.

I have spent the last 6 years in such a deep pit, I didn’t even know I was in one. On the one had, I feel kinda free due to recent events but it is always accompanied by the despair of everything I’ve lost out on because of it. How many of my life events were ruined by my ex simply being there and unconsciously sucking the fun out of it with his presence? How deep in my own brain scramble I am to have not have noticed how fucking bad I feel all of the time? It became my new normal. I got used to letting my appearance standards slip and letting the effort I put into myself frizzle out that now I don’t know how to fix me. But this weekend definitely helped I think. I’ve felt more like my old self than I have in years. Which, given my baseline level of feeling shit, is probably not that high of a percentage of fixing me, and I still probably barely human at most times, but it feel like progress. I just wish I can keep this momentum and succeed before I enter another dark™️ period. I can’t remember how I was so carefree before, I just don’t have that desire anymore, it feels to I dunno, fancy. I dunno.

I’m a disaster of a human is what I’m trying to say.

When I look to be future, it’s clearer than it used to be. I hope I can keep this tiny spark of hope. I really do.

16/12/24

Right after I posted this, I ended up in a weeks long pit that I’m only now starting to crawl out of. It’s not been my most self destructive period but it was so dark and depressing. I’m so happy to even be slightly out . Touch wood, in comparison to the last few years, I feel pretty good.

[a-cosmic-mess]

19/09/24

I’m crazy. But not in a hot girl™️ kinda of a way, but in a “what the fuck is wrong with her head” kinda of a way.

Like, I’m not crazy in an edgy way, I think I’m genuinely mental. Like functionally mental.

I can cope. With everything, like it’s not consuming my entire person…like…I can cope. But there is something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is, but I’m not fucking normal.

Does that make sense?

I think I am just coming out of a black hole. Like, I’ve been so doggedly unhappy for so long and I didn’t even notice until now. I’m having a bloody epiphany I think. I’ve been on screen saver mode or energy saving mode to save my own mind, that I’ve forgotten how to be human to other humans. I’ve been mentally so far away from people and at times physically distant that I can’t remember how to be human. I’m gonna probably have to warn Charlie of this because he’s gonna end up getting the cold shoulder or mixed signals from me accidentally.

“Hey C sorry for being so awkward, I can’t help it. You mentioned being pretty low when we were out earlier, and that’s where I’ve been for years, I just didn’t notice it was so bad until now. And when I get like that, I isolate myself for people. I have literally forgotten how to be social. So bear with me if you want to or if that’s too much, that’s cool. Just gonna take me a bit of time to get the hang of it again. Also, sorry if that’s beyond weird.”

Hopefully I can convey this to him in any way. We’ll see, I’m am still super duper high from earlier and I barely fucking functioning. I am totally fried.

[a-cosmic-mess]

17/09/24

Happy birthday to me! I’m completely alone and I’ve done nothing with my day. I’m LONGING to teleport myself back to 2016. I’d live in 2016 if I could. Fuck my fucking life.

[a-cosmic-mess]

10/09/24

People always say “curiosity killed the cat…”

But like, I wouldn’t still be alive if it wasn’t for curiosity. I would have given up with living several times over by now if it wasn’t for my own curiosity

[a-cosmic-mess]

17/08/24

I think mine and my bfs relationship was actually a situationship in disguise.

Well to me anyway.

That answers so fucking much holy shit.

[a-cosmic-mess]

15/08/24

Hope is a strange drug.

I got a response from a job application I really want (it wasn’t acceptance, but it’s the next positive step) and now I’m not so interested in my drugs - not to say I won’t be doing them later, but I had an opportunity today to smoke and I chose not to. I also used money that I would have used to replace my vape on something else. Like, I don’t have any money at the moment, at all, so that’s kinda a big deal tbh.

I’m worried about hoping though. My life experience thus far, is that the moment I get my hopes up about something, it usually falls through. This is the reason I try to choose pessimism. If I don’t hope for a good outcome, I won’t be disappointed when it fails, because if I get them up and it fails, it’s devastating. Conversely, if I don’t hope, and it works out, the happiness that follows is amazing.

But this time, I’m desperate to work back at the place I used to (the only reason I quit the first time was because I was going to New Zealand, which ended up failing anyway) and I’m severely hoping to win it. Even though the odds are doing so are quite slim. But I can’t stop it… I want it so bad.

Hope is a dangerous drug.

[a-cosmic-mess]

13/08/24

Being high with weed is such an important part of my day. I was thinking about it as I was coming up, and it took ages for me to figure out why. It’s like when I’m sober, I exist fuzzily, like at a lower resolution, and when I’m high I feel solid. Like I’ve been coloured in. Like I’m at 100% opacity instead of 80%. I feel more present and more….committed to living I guess.

When I’m sober, I feel apathetic and fatigued, like keeping alive expends so much energy, and a lot of the time, to me, the energy spent significantly outweighs the returns. It’s pointless, by nature, and exhausting to boot, and at the moment I’ve not really got a lot to live for. Luckily I have just enough, but it’s not good. Some of the only things keeping me going is curiosity. If I believe in anything, I believe in the possibility that I might die happy with the life I led. It’s small, but it’s enough. Good thing I’m an Absurdist and not a full blown Nihilist, because I don’t know if I’d have lasted as long as I have. I’m lucky to have enough of an imagination that I can imagine different versions of a life well-lived, and the more I think of the better of I’ll be.

Anyway I digress. That’s how I feel when I’m sober, all the fucking time. And people wonder why have an exhausted, negative outlook most of the time. I can’t help it. I just feel apathetic about everything. I imagine my apathy as a road, and every so often, a pothole appears and something good happens. Sometimes it can be lots of small holes pockmarking the road, and sometimes it’s a bigger, wider one that lasts longer. Weed is one of the biggest potholes I have. That’s why it’s important to me. I’m the car, and the bigger the pothole, the less apathetic I am.

It’s nice. To be able to sit quietly, everything settles. The fatigue lifts a little, the apathy decreases, my thoughts stop. Or at the very least, they aren’t as loud anymore. That’s the best way I can describe it. I don’t mean literally, like I don’t have a voice screaming all my thoughts in my head (well I do sometimes, but only when I think about something in 3rd person, anyway) I just mean… the intensity of my thoughts I guess. My thoughts stop being internal battles between my personal philosophies and anything else or the universe and our place in it, and instead become chiller and softer, and far less dramatic. I can exist peacefully and just…well…exist. It’s nice. Being sober is a burden.

The only downside is that it only lasts about 2 hours at most. If I could be high all the time, I honestly would be. I honestly wonder if what I described above is how “normal” people feel all the time. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I know I ain’t normal.

No wonder weed is illegal. If people had access to this, we wouldn’t tolerate synthetic pharmaceuticals. And if we weren’t all on some kind of drug endorsed by the government , that fixes the problem *enough* to not notice the negative side effects, we wouldn’t have governments or global elites. We’d all just be people living in small independent towns, self governing ourselves. People in power don’t want to lose it, and how better to control your public than by literally drugging everyone into submission?

[a-cosmic-mess]

12/08/24

“And then it happens. That moment when your breath starts to slow. And every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have. And everything stops: your heart, your lungs, then finally, your brain. And everything you feel, and wish, and want to forget, it all just sinks. And then suddenly...

...you give it air again, give it life again.

I remember the first time it happened to me I got so scared I wanted to call 911. Go to the hospital and be kept alive by machines and apple juice. But I didn't want to look like an idiot, and I didn't want to fuck up everyone's night. And then over time, it's all I wanted... those two seconds of nothingness.” - Rue Bennett, Euphoria.

I feel this for weed and mushrooms. Dunno what that says about me, but whatever.

[a-cosmic-mess]

[a-cosmic-mess]

11/08/24

Weed is a wonderful drug isn’t it? I was so depressed earlier, just everything really was dark I guess. I just felt utter despair. I didn’t want to do anything, I was just lying on my bed. I decided to smoke some weed when an opportunity presented itself. I actually said out aloud “weed will make me happy, why not?”

So I smoked it, and then I suddenly found the energy and motivation to write a cv and cover letter for another job. And I’ve been in a residual good mood ever since, long after I came down. Watched Benidorm with my sister, it’s become our thing, and I’m so happy we have a thing again. I’ve missed my sister so much, I didn’t realise until I left the country for a year. But I refused to allow myself to acknowledge it. Not only did I save myself by leaving my bf, but I saved my relationships with my family and friends. I’d isolated myself completely from everyone and I didn’t even notice.

Anyway, this is my PSA to whoever is watching. Weed is good and so much better for you than pharmaceuticals are for depression - no wonder it’s illegal. Weed literally grows on trees (sort of). Governments can’t monetise that, so what do they do? Make it illegal and impart heavy penalties for (usually) poor people who have the audacity to grow medicine themselves instead of paying someone else for the pleasure of not dying. Real fucking simple when you break it down, is it?

Also, I’ve given myself a nicotine addition, so that’s great.

[a-cosmic-mess]

08/08/24

I feel like I’ve completed YouTube - like, everything bores me, and it just pisses me off

[a-cosmic-mess]

05/08/24

Some of the nicest and most genuine conversations I will have are with my drug dealers lol

Can’t decide if it’s good PR for drug dealers saying that they are not all or always nasty or if it’s incredibly sad that I get the sweetest conversations out of people illegally selling me drugs.

[a-cosmic-mess]

29/07/24

I’m starting to get better, starting to feeling comfy in myself, only real problem now is the fact that I’m broke.

On a side note, saw Deadpool & Wolverine the other day and I genuinely cannot stop thinking about wolverine. Like I’ve always found wolverine hot, but this is ridiculous. The brain rot is fucking real, I’ve rewatched a clip on YouTube of wolverine putting his mask on about a million times and jdiebxhdidkgkeisn. My mind just ceases to be able to process, and this is coming off of an Eddie Munson brain rot sesh. Being single has really increased my capacity to imagine relationships with fictional men ✌️

[a-cosmic-mess]

26/07/24

Went for a shop with my sister, feeling pretty good. I’ve found a more amenable way to wear lipstick, which is to press it in and have as more of a stain than a lipstick. This way it doesn’t feel thick on my lips, I’ll think it stays on better and it’s subtle.

I need more tattoos though, hopefully I can get one for my birthday.

[a-cosmic-mess]

22/07/24

An exercise in self care I guess. I haven’t taken selfies in a long fucking time, the concept is practically foreign to me to be these days to be honest.

In other news, by some random coincidence and flash of bravery or desperation (you decide) I messaged a mate I know doesn’t live here anymore. She replied almost instantly saying she will be in town later this week and wants to meet up, and I’m honestly hoping to go to the pub, have a good time and get some selfies for proof. I defo wanna see her, genuinely, but I also want pics to post to insta to prove I’m doing well, and a little bit spitefully to rub in my ex’s face - I’m only human.

Edit: it was awesome

[a-cosmic-mess]

21/07/24

I just wanna feel hot again. It’s going to be a long journey out of this 4(6) year long pit of despair. I’ve let myself go, and I’ve barely even noticed. I’d never ever say I was really attractive, but I used to feel a lot better about myself, and now I’m going to have to build myself back up from the bottom.

Looooong journey ahead.

(Snapchat filters help honestly)