a-berryman

[a-berryman]

2018 The most important year of my life.

2018 was the most important/ challenging year of my life. If you were to ask me at the beginning of 2018 if I was ready for the: pain, loneliness, bruises,  worry, spiritual warfare, and depression, I would have laughed in your face and said, “Not me! Not this year!” After all, it was my senior year, it was MY year. I was going to go on my first mission trip, I was going to go on my first cruise, I had an amazing girlfriend, I had multiple friends and I had a job to spend some money anytime I wanted. There was no way that any of this would occur in my life.

For the first five months of 2018 is was just that. It was shaping out to be my year. Graduation had rolled around, I got to lead a prayer at my schools Baccalaureate, I received a Baccalaureate scholarship, prom was coming up I was certainly on my high horse. As summer came about I slowly began to become a leader in my youth group, my youth pastor entrusted me with our summer games, life was going great! Camp came around and I was utterly excited. But, when we left the church for camp something in my soul shifted on the bus ride. Regret and fear came into my mind. I was confused. “Why am I feeling this?” I asked myself. I had never felt this way about camp. As we made a stop in Dickson, TN to eat I suddenly knew why these feelings and emotions had taken over my mind  the previous two years all I had received from camp was, “Prepare your heart.” Well it’s kind of hard to prepare your heart when you don’t know what to prepare for, as we rolled up to the camp grounds I was not going to let my emotions and fear limit me. I went all in and I went deeper and deeper each night. To only leave with the same result… “Prepare your heart”

As camp came to a close I went home to prepare for my first mission trip ever, Alaska. This trip was unique and full of challenges and half way through the week I remember saying to myself is this what I’m supposed to prepare my heart for? Praying through the week and asking God to tell me what to prepare for I still received no answer. As Alaska came to an end I went on my first cruise. I ate a lot and then I ate a little more. On the last day of this cruise I reached a point of selfishness that still hurts me to think about today. 

As I arrived home a couple of days passed and I had a meeting with my youth pastor.  Basically, we talked about me to start attending a ministry school which I would have to move churches. Through out the meeting I remembered how easy it is to put a mask on. So, I did just that. I puffed out my chest and made it look like I was ready for this. As I walked out of the room we were meeting in, the youth room was right outside of it. I looked at the doors of the youth room and instantly a feeling of loneliness came upon me and tears filled my eyes. As I drove home I was in tears and I really couldn’t quite understand why. I just knew I felt alone. 

My very first day was August 17th, 2018. It was a Friday… one of the hardest days of the year. That Friday I realized I didn’t have friends here with me, I knew no one. It turns out that this was the day I would lose a relationship that I could’ve prospered in and saved, but because I was so selfish and self absorbed I lost a friendship/ relationship that I once held dear to my heart.

Through the rest of the semester I began asking myself if I am going to be good enough for this? This isn’t wasn’t what I thought it would be, though I had class mates that cared about me I never felt more lonely in my life. As much time as I would spend in prayer and in reading books and The Bible it was still hard to hear from God. I came across a quote on FaceBook (which means it’s instantly accurate, right?) it stated, “Sometimes we get mad at God during a test in our life, but we forget the teacher doesn’t talk during the test.” 

It spoke volume to me. 

What happens when it’s all stripped away? 

What happens when He calls you away? 

Will I still say Yes? 

Will I still cry for Him?

 In the good, do I still value Him? 

Through the pain what do my lips quiver?

More most of my life I went to church at River of Life. Any time the doors were opened I was there. Everyone knew me and everyone cared about me. It is my family. It’s my home. But, when all of the comforts are stripped away… When you’re called to go somewhere and none of the comforts are there and you’re on your own, will I still say yes?

As I sit back and type out this blog and look back at 2018, I realize maybe this is the beginning of what the Lord told me to prepare my heart for. I don’t know a lot about the end. I don’t know what’s ahead of me, but if it’s His will. Nevertheless….

[a-berryman]

My experience with a deaf lady...

For those of you who do not know I work at the movie theater, where I sell tickets, concessions, clean the auditoriums, I also get to do the fun parts which is kicking people out for movie hopping or talking/ disrupting. You would think that people movie hopping would have enough common sense to not make awkward eye contact with you while walking out of one auditorium straight into another auditorium. But, some how people still manage to think they're smooth and that no one ever see's it. Little adivce to movie hoppers... don't run from one end of the hall to the other end to try to get into that movie you want to hop to. Also if you managed to get past us and you're watching the movie you "hopped" to just be quiet and don't get a complaint. My gosh... is it that hard?

Anyways, back on subject.

Last week I was working a week day shift, 4:15pm to close which is usually 9:00pm.

Well when I was putting on my uniform for the evening I had no clue what God was about to show me. I expected it to be a normal shift at the movies. Well, that did not happen... Around 5:00pm a group of deaf ladies walked in. One was with her son I would guess, and her son asked if he could have two tickets to Quiet Place, this was not where God showed up yet. No biggy just two customers going to see a movie.  The lady and her son proceeded to auditorium 16 where their movie was playing. Well two other deaf ladies came in, no communicator, and deaf. As they both approached me I could read it all over their faces. Embarassment, sadness, anxiety, frustration. I could tell that the ability inhibitting them was deeply eating at both of them. Now I would love to tell you that the Holy Spirit came upon me and that I prayed over them and God opended up their ears. But, sometimes God has another plan, I just didn't know that these ladies were going to impact me the way they did.

I greeted both of them with a smile, and continued with "What movie would you like to see?" They the lady answered to the best of her capability but couldn't quite get it out. Well she tried again this time a little bit louder, but I understood her the first time she tried. Well when I told her the price would be $16 she went to hand me the $20 and dropped it. It was bothering her. I could see that feeling come over her even more. She later proceeded with her concession order, again she just thought I couldn't understadnd her, now she began to shake (like her body was shaking). But again I understood what she wanted the first time she said it, a large combo (large popcorn and large drink) with extra butter and a Sierra Mist to drink with a Snickers. Trust me, it's not weird I remember the exact order this will forever be etched into me.

She then asked for the salt shaker she asked if she could take it with her.

The salt....

I keep worhsip music playing behind the concession stand almost all the time on the weekday shifts. The weekends are just too loud and to hetic to hear it. As she was walking away I began to talk to my manager about what just happened. He told me that the reason the lady kept getting louder and louder everytime she tried to speak is because, "Deaf people think we can't hear them and they can't hear themselves so they talk louder." Then, right there after that statement, just in the beginning of my shift God said, "Aubrey, my people have been feeling this way for too long. Hurt, sad, angry, and they leave because they're frustrated. They often have emotions that they can’t put into context. But, before you even say a word, I know"  I just began to wheep, and right now while writing this I just feel tears forming in my eyes. It was just supposed to be a simple day at work, I come in, do my job, go home. God said otherwise.

About an hour later, one of the ladies brought the salt shaker back. I thought it was over. I thought God was done. Wrong! He ended it with, "Oh, and I have called you to be the salt of the earth. So, BE."

Sometimes we come to God, we are hurt, filled with anger, depression, anxiety, emotions that quite honestly we just don't know how we feel. Don't be discouraged HE knows. You don't know what to say to him? He knows. We are called to be the salt of the Earth so BE it. Keep going. You don't always have to have something to say. Sometimes all you need to do is just run into your daddys arms.

[a-berryman]

Communicating in a uncommunicative society

Our phones and the “communication” they bring have brought destruction upon communication we need. The technology in today’s society has a transparent lie. That lie is that it has brought more communication to our society. I think a question we need ask ourselves is our (not just you but society) Facebook post made out of “communication” or, the lack of communication which leads us to being hurt so we go spreading our emotions around hoping someone will latch on. I love having a phone, the ability to communicate with people through out the day is extravagant. But, because of the FaceTime, texting, calling, skyping, snapchats, likes, followers, subscribers, streaks, retweets, shares, comments, etc…  I've lost what it means to be involved in the real world. Yes I might be talking to someone through the phone but ultimately a friendship/relationship is about living life together.

I would love to say I remember a time where you had to use a payphone, sadly, I’m no where near old enough to say that… (no offense to those who are, I’m actually jealous you had payphone’s). I can not help but think that maybe at times when there were payphone’s there was a line waiting to use the payphone. When there was a line I’d like to fantasize on the idea that the people in the line were not looking down moving their thumbs rapidly, or double clicking on their phones leaving a “like”, I like to think that they would turn around and say “Oh, Hey Anne! How is Bobby doing?” That is something our society is needing desperately right now. Yes we need a revival, yes we need to reach people, yes our schools need to be changed, but maybe the best way to doing that isn't just throwing a picture together about a revival coming to town and sharing it on Instagram, or your Facebook wall, or your Twitter feed. Maybe a way of reaching people to the Lord and developing friendships is just simply communication. (This is brave, but I’ll stand firm), Maybe the answer to all of the school shootings isn’t “putting Jesus to back in schools” (I am not saying our schools don’t need a touch of God..) but reaching out to the guy or girl who has always been referred to as “If someone were to shoot up the schools it’d be him/ her”. Maybe it’s, “Hey man, have you seen that new Black Panther movie?” or maybe, “How’s your day going?”. Then a door is busted down, someone feels wanted, someone feels like somebody wants to talk to them, and what once was a vital characteristic of America is restored for a brief moment. Communication…

It’s hard to think that maybe because of social media our friendships are based off of the perpetual Hollywood movies. When we are arguing with our friends and or families it’s not always necessarily that we do not agree with each other, but the lack of communication. One time I remember telling Tabitha, that she should “Change shirts”, (let me just say I now know that is a big no no.) Her response instantly was “WHY? AM I UGLY?!”, but not long after that I realized it was a miscommunication, I wanted Tabitha to change shirts because I simply liked the other one better. Communication…

The way to lead people to the Lord is by communication. You can not expect to lead someone to Christ without communicating. It is your communication that plants a seed. The words you speak that communicate the Love of Christ to others. Think about this, how many times have you woken up recently and said, “How can I please God today?” when in reality we should be saying to Him, “God thank you for another day, what assignment do You have for me today?” The second quotation is already more communication with Him. You wake up praising Him, and communication is already on go. Then you're not having to run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off wondering if this is what God wants. Communication with Christ is vital. It maintains the relationship and reveals expression.

Now I’ll leave you with this, God has placed you and I in the time frame we were born into to be a catalyst. There are a couple of reasons why I have started writing blogs, one of them being I can communicate what I feel and what I felt led to say. Are these perfect? No. Could I have left some things out? Absolutely, I’m new to this. There are a lot of things to learn. But, It is time for a much needed fruit to come back into play… communication. Take some time today to communicate with God. Let him know how you are feeling, let him know that you love him, let him communicate back to you.

[a-berryman]

My Core Values At 17...

I have been reading in The New Testament a lot. I started in Philippians last week, I’m now currently starting 1 Thessalonians, in these letters Paul has been writing to the churches and God’s holy people. It’s a guide to life. An active documentation of the fruit of the spirit being used and practiced. A couple of months ago I wrote in my journal, “Berryman Core Values”, they are values that i wanted to instill in my life. So after reading these few books of the New Testament I’ll edit some of them (add more) and show you guys. Do I always live by these? No, I am a teenager with a lot to learn, but like i said i want to instill these in my life, I want this to be something that I can look back on and share with my kids, and allow them to grow and continue these themselves. Or when I’m ministering to other people they have another source, that others would read these and add on to them and do it better than me. 

1. Loving- I will be loving in everything I do. I will love the Lord on my best days and I will love him even more on my worst,  I will show and reveal the love of God to everyone. The love of Christ was with me when I was dead but raised me to life because of his unceasing love. I will clothe myself with love “which binds all of us together in perfect harmony.”

2. Forgiving- No sin is larger than the other. God has forgiven and forgave. I want people to see Christ in me I want to be quick to forgive and slow to anger. I will  forget the past and focus on what lies ahead, my journey with Him. 

3. Truthful- I will be truthful to my family, myself, church, everyone who ask, and most importantly God. My worship will be truthful and not fantasy. I will find truth in his word and in Him.

4. Caring- I will care for others needs. I will care for others values. I will be compassionate, I will be a listener and kind and caring. But, I will not worry about anything but pray about everything. 

5. Respect- I will respect my elders. I will respect the authority over me. I will respect someones beliefs even if they do not line up with mine.

6. Fruitful- The fruits I produce will not be sour or rotten. I will produce: faithfulness, love, peace, obedience, mannered, passion, forgiveness, Fruits of the Spirit. 

7. Transparency- I will be transparent with my brothers and sisters and pastors around me. I will be willing to identify my own wrong thinking and communicate my weakness. 

8. Giving- If someone ask for a dollar, I will give two. I will be a giver to the Kingdom and those in need. I will be the helping hand. I will work willingly at whatever I do. 

I encourage you to take some time today and right down values that you want to build your family and life upon. I pray the Lord would be your rock and you would build upon him. 

[a-berryman]

Understanding my entitlement.

First things first before I even get into this “Blog”, I have two things I would like to say. 1. I have been reading a lot of books lately and after reading several books I’ve put together some thoughts and ideas. Notice how I said “I”, these are my opinions but opinions I have found that will help me become the man I am wanting to be. 2. This is my first “blog” so whatever grammatical errors I make please, forgive me.

So like I said recently I have been reading a lot more than I usually have and let me just say I can’t believe how much I’m actually enjoying it. It’s like my teachers were right this whole time (except for the moon landing). Anyways, if there is one thing I’ve noticed is how troubled and blessed my generation is for technology. I’m currently typing this “blog” on my phone. How awesome is that?! The ability to have practically everything I need in my pocket and at the end of my finger tips at all times. I can literally go on Google right now look up some monumental word, or I can translate a word into any other language I want, I have a GPS, I can deposit money into my bank account by taking a picture, I can call someone across the world, I can order something through Amazon and have it here in two days, I can keep going on and on about how fast I can get something figured out or done. And that my friends is this generations downfall..

With these fast result and the technology we’ve grown up in we usually never have to wait. After all why should we? We are told we have to know what we are going to do with our lives by the time we are 18 (which in my opinion is hog wash. I really probably shouldn’t put a lot of these “in my opinion” things in here, huh? I’ll try to stop). Let me just say, we have a tremendous amount to learn before God can entrust us with the dreams he has planted inside of us.

As much as we suffer from waiting, we also suffer from something just as terrible called entitlement. I know you’re like, “great another one of these stories about how entitled I am”. It isn’t certainly just pointing out how entitled we think we are but more or less pointing out why we feel that way and how we can help ourselves.

I’m not saying we’ve brought this on our selves at all, nor am I pointing any fingers. But a couple months ago I wrapped up my marching band career and at every completion they gave away a participation trophy... and it’s not just in marching band. At the end of whatever grade you’re in you’re going to pass. At then end of your senior year you’re going to graduate. It’s just how society is now a days. What this does is it focuses on our self esteem rather than our work ethic. And through that we feel like life should be easy, dreams will come true, and everyone wins. That when we get to college and pursue what ever it is that we think we will prosper in, once we are done with college and get the job we got our education for we will just climb the ladder because everyone wins, right? And with all this we hate to wait.

We hate the fact that there is a journey in front of us. Often to cope with the waiting we say “Your journey is your destination.” That is a lie. We have made that up as our coping mechanism and our mask for our disorientation. (As my girlfriend says, “All good things come in time.” Don’t be in a rush.) We need to establish a perseverance, instead of a fear that life might not go as planned. What happens if we don’t prosper after college then the passion that was in us for what we’ve pursued dies out. When we go head on into life with fear and we fail, we tend to blame God when in reality it was our entitlement that got in our way.

I lastly lead you with this. We desperately need to implement prayer and perseverance into everything. Do not burn out on your passion. Life isn’t always a clear, clean, forward path. There is a journey ahead of us and if that journey is walked with the Lord it will lead you to strength, wisdom, love, being a great parent, a movement, a rhythm. I encourage you today to take some time and just pray to God to help you in this aspect of our lives.