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[96babyfuckyeah]

sept 19/23

this is so insane. literally a whole year later i’m back out here man. well where does one even start? i’ll just brain dump

1. i’m 27, sometimes i feel old but other times i still feel young af lol i love it here

2. can u believe i’m still single lmao no like it a actually so crazy/sad/wow no words. maybe soon i’ll be CUFFED i hope to the loml imma manifest and speak him into existence. i kinda got my eye on someone but idk we’ll see inshaallah

3. i want a new car!! the one i want is kinda expensive so im not sure about it yet but maybe i can find something similar or something that i’ll love even more and more cost effective

4. compared to 2 years ago, i am HAPPY alhamdulilah. looking back at old journal entries ive come a long way fr like i never knew sadness like that in my life and im so happy and grateful for where i am now. id like to think im somewhat at peace

5. love my lil friends group (work) i enjoy their presence in my life and my other close friends. sometimes friendships u think that will be there forever cause you e known them for so long just don’t turn out and honestly that’s okay. u have other priorities/prerogatives and they won’t always match up to what others have and it’s just how life is

6. i’m trying to hone in and focus even more on my self, being in my own bubble it’s a lot less stress fr lmao

7. my skin has gotten quite stable ALHAMDULILAH MASHALLAH im so happy ive had such problematic skin for SOOOOOOO long in my life and im just happy its normalizing itself

8. hurt my neck a couple weeks ago at the gym so i haven’t been back for like a whole month now!! i miss it and being in shape man. i need to get it checked ASAP so i can get back to being in shape although im kinda tempted to get a lil thiqueeee this winter but idk LOL we’ll see what i can do. lowkey also looking for a new gym to go to, i just don’t feel as at home here even though it’s quite nice. it’s almost been a whole year at this one.

9. my good sis graduated from her graduate program and now she’s a lawyer!!! mashallah i’m so proud of her

not sure what else to write for now to ta tA

[96babyfuckyeah]

sept18/22

hello there, some updates

1. my skin - it’s clearing up, looking more toned

2. my body - getting more muscular, steady weight, need to get better eating habits though, prepare for bulking szn 😈

3. mental health - i think we’re doing fine, need to go to doctor tho there’s lots of ADHD/autistic symptoms suspected and it could go downhill lol

4. “love” LMAO i’m officially leaving it in Allah’s SWT hands khalas

5. i tried dying my hair today and it’s spotty as FUCK like i need to see a hair dresser LMAO it’s looking crazy

6. spirituality- i’m going to convert. inshallah soon i know where my heart lies and i’m confident in my decision and in good spirit about it. i learn something new everyday alhamdulilah and i will learn more as the days go by. i just need to do it cause there’s no time to be wasted on waiting for “the right time”

7. relationships - the friendships i have right now i’m so grateful to have i’m getting emotes LOL thank God you have to surround yourself around people that have your best interest in mind as well and sometimes how long u know someone isn’t enough to keep them around anymore when u have different intentions in this life

not sure what else for now

[96babyfuckyeah]

may 18

hello

1. my skin is starting to look up!!! alhamdulilah i’m happy at my progress

2. i participated in ramadan this year again, not 100% how i wanted it to go but still a peaceful month in my opinion, can’t wait for my life to do THE 180 so i can just be happy in peace and just be the mr i’ve always wanted deep down.

3. my “besties” came to visit for 2 weeks and they were great times, especially with 1. had some exciting nights with 1 and i miss them dearly but now everything is messed up and i think our friendship is strained at this point. i’m super sad about it honestly, like it hurts. feels like a breakup lol heart broken

4. i am getting more for the gyms have been open i’m very happy i’m trying to become more constant with my workouts and eating habits but food is honestly ruining me. didn’t even go to work on this exact day because the mere thought of food makes me wanna throw up fam. i hate it here

5. i think i was being quite naïve when i thought i had a man on lock. i knew it wasn’t gonna work but still went for it anyways like??? now u wanna cry even though u knew this could potentially be the outcome lmfaooooo i just want someone that will stay that i can give my all too and love them and vice versa… someone i can start a fam with. is that too much to ask?? i know the kind of man i want but when will i find him? sigh only God knows.

6. also not being at my old job and reading old posts about it is craaazy LMAOO that place really fucked me up mentally my God. who knew 8 months could go by so quickly like that? the worst 8 months of my life. i never knew sadness and depression like that until i worked there. i’ve never hated my life more than when i was there i’m so happy i’ve moved from there. literal hell.

[96babyfuckyeah]

hello it is january 21/2022!!!

let’s make our list:

1. i am back at my old place but i’m doing well i think… mentally

2. my skin is doing so well, still some scarring but it’s getting smoother and the scars are disappearing

3. lol bestie………. idk it’s a sticky situation but i appreciate the facetimes everyday even if it’s 10 seconds. and they call around family too meaning i’m not a “secret friend” r u dumb lmfao

4. body been looking pretty good too, would love if the gyms could open again sooner tho. supposed to open jan 31. the ontario govt is so asssss bro i feel so bad for our nurses and teachers, healthcare and education system is SO fucked rn it’s bad omicron you’re a BITCH

5.

[96babyfuckyeah]

hello hi. it is october 27/2021. here with some updates from the last 2/3 months

1. depressive episode again lol it’s crazy cause it’s the JOB i’m at i know for a fact causing it. i’ve officially been there six (6) months now and it’s still ass? lmaooooowhatthefuckdudeooooo still looking for something new cause fuck this it’s actually so bad my back even hurts

2. my skin has been clearing up!! (mashaallah mashaallah) i’m so grateful and feeling more comfortable without make up not as much scars and last week was my bro’s(?) birthday and everyone was gassing me up even though i can’t see what they see but it def boosted my confidence a lot 🤍

3. my boy is in sudan rn but we haven’t really spoken in like 2 days cause the internet and phones are super limited rn as the gov has shut the lines because of protests and military trying to take over again i believe it’s so ass so i just hope him and his family are safe 😭

3. still no love gaaaaaatdamnit

4. again with the depressive episode, i think it’s real cause i don’t even be going to the gym like i used to anymore and i have so much laundry to fold but will literally just sleep on it i feel like i have no time in the day i didn’t do shit today even though i took the day off i’m actually so waste it’s crazy fuck me rifgt? smh

[96babyfuckyeah]

i decided to disconnect from social media ln while having a whole mental breakdown. idk if this is what depression feels like but it sucks ass. we’ll see how long this lasts tbh.

i turned 25 on friday it was nice having friends around me and celebrating with me but sucks how alone i still feel after all that :(((

can’t wait to go back to school

my friends cousin passed away the night before my bday which is so sad so we been kinda distant since then :(

[96babyfuckyeah]

so it’s been almost 2 full months since i been on here and man ..

1. i started talking to an old/new friend early may. it was great cause we talk literally everyday but today they told me they started talking to a new ting recently and while i know that me and this person are only friends it made me feel some type of way and idk why. i’m hoping it’s just my hormones doing too much cause i always feel like people never wanna talk to me or that i talk to much or something which is why i end up pushing myself away. they also said they felt like they were being a bad friend because they haven’t been answering as much either which also proves my point like maybe ppl are just tired of me or something. i totally get being busy and whatever but damn.. you don’t even work!!!! how busy could u be!? whatever i guess.

2. idk why but i’ve just been so miserable man. like my job makes me hate my life more and more each day. it’s so fucking boring and it’s crazy how EXCITED i was to leave my old place!! like i fucking hate it. i hate waking up every morning to go there and just sit down at a computer for 9 hours like i absolutely hate it hate it hate it.

3. i’ve never felt so alone in my life. like literally everyone has someone and i have NO one. it’s so fucked. like friends, lover no one. my brother is cool too and my mom i guess like don’t get me wrong but my bro has marisa and my mom has her friends and i legit have no one. it hurts so i’m just gonna be sad and go to sleep or whatever :((((

4. and the icing on the cake, i feel so ugly with all my scars that will literally not go away and it’s ruining my self esteem so bad i’m just gonna have to hide from now on.

i hate this feeling so much and it’s depressing, just tears strolling down my face as i type all of this

hope whatever i post next on here is good news cause i’m tired of this man.

[96babyfuckyeah]

Hi.

So a couple thingsZz

I think my skin is starting to clear up so that’s nice

I started my new job it’s been a week tomorrow, been pretty boring cause I’ve only been doing trainings but I hope it’ll get better and I’ll break out of my shell it’s very different than what I been doing because I’m a very restless person and can’t sit still lmao fuck

I still want to move out but imma wait til my money is up more and more steady and the right one will come up I know it

I been feeling kinda nervous or anxious or something idk what the feeling is I can’t figure it out but I hope it leaves

Covid needs to wrap it up

I need a divine intervention!!!!!!

That’s gonna be it for now I have to wake up early

[96babyfuckyeah]

Also moral of story : speak things into existence.

[96babyfuckyeah]

okay life update/brain dump/whatever u wanna call it!!!

- my skin has turned into shit LOL the scars are so dark not going away, not smooth.. it’s really stressing m out cause all I’ve ever wanted was clear smooth clean skin and I’ve had anything BUT that. I’ve struggled for YEARS with this shit. Its definitely been at least 10+ years and I’m SICK. I’m turning 25 in like 3 months!!! I’m too old for this man.

- I start my new job on Thursday!!!!!!!! I’m beyond excited and happy and I thank God for this opportunity. Like forreal. I have been craving a new start and environment and my goals for this year are slowly being completed!!

- I’m scared.... So basically Dana’s whole fam has covid and I’ve seen her on Monday. Dear God. Anyways she told me maybe Wednesday or Thursday that her mom might have it and that she’s feeling sick and today (Sunday) I’ve asked her how everyone is doing and everyone is sick lolz. Her uncle is so ducking selfish for that man. Man goes out everyday.. to WHERE???? Why are you seeing ppl everyday!! Like u know wahgwaan. So I’m kinda scared that I might have it. I haven’t displayed any symptoms (yet thank God) and I hope I don’t and I hope I don’t have it at all cause I literally cannot afford to have it rn considering I’ve seen my family a lot this week. Pls God.

- my uncle is still here in my house. Fucking lowlife scum. Get a job. Grow up. Living rent free. I’m so annoyed and I need to move out like yesterday. I’m so tired of this guy being here. The place downstairs is probably trashed it smells like shit. This guy is just so messy and disgusting. Like how do u have 3 kids, you’re FIFTY!!! And you living in my basement rent free??? Scum bag get a life criminal. Idgaf.

- speaking of moving out, I’ve been looking at least 4/5 times a week for a new spot to live. Somewhere that’s affordable and I can just be my self. I don’t want anyone in my space but it’s just so difficult to live in this city man. It’s WAY too expensive it’s crazy. I just pray I can find a place and CUT. I know God will show me a way.

- I’m still single LOL :( i love being by myself don’t get me wrong but sometimes i just want someone to show love to. i would like a little family one day. maybe my aunt is onto something.... no husband, no kids... just vibes. living her best life as a NP in california. idk we'll see i guess.

theres a bunch more but I’m tired and work early so ill write more tomorrow.

[96babyfuckyeah]

Okay new day update: have an informal meeting/interview next week already 😭😭😭😭😭 requested by the GM at the store. So I’m hoping this one actually works out this time 😭😭

[96babyfuckyeah]

OH I FORGOT I ALSO HATE MY BODY?? LMAOOOOOOOO bro I fucking have body dysmorphia. Legit. I hate it soooo much nothing is ever perfect and I want to get skinny and I can’t love the body I’m in its so fucking draining and sad. Also my uncle needs to move the FUCK out of my house I can’t workout in my basement cause he’s there which is also why I also probably feel so trapped in this house man. It’s ruining my mental lmao like all I can do is laugh at this point because of how sad I am about it. I can’t even do my laundry without fear (I guess you could say) of seeing him down there or being in the same room as him. You don’t see how that makes my life so much more difficult??? Clothes start to pile up and I can’t handle it anymore bro. I HATE IT HERE I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY THAT.

[96babyfuckyeah]

Alright, so it has been 72 days since I’ve last written in here. Let’s make a list of current thoughts:

It’s now March 2nd, 10:56pm.

I STILL haven’t gotten the branch job yet, idk what the fuck they be doin’ I’m still waiting bro.

I need to get my money UP. ASAP. I’m trying to move out, have my own crib, just relax and have some peace and quiet. The market is waaaaaaaay too expensive and I literally just want a nice lil condo/apartment.. is that really too much to ask for!? Holy smokes

I still have *ahem* that person in my messages asking to u know... you know. I will admit there is definitely a strange attraction to him; not only looks wise, but also personality. Problem is he has a GF. What is wrong with men!? And I feel so guilty every time cause that’s fucked. No type of loyalty at all and I feel like karma is really doing it’s thing. My conscious literally won’t let me indulge LOL it sucks :( "alexa, play break up with your girlfriend"

i think im asexual................... ive never let that thought out of my brain before but i truly think i am.... idk guess ill have to explore and rid myself of my insecurities.

i hate it here, truly. i dk t want to sound ungrateful because i literally have a roof over my head, a car to get me from point a to b, a loving family, a stable income, food to eat etc but its just like im stuck? i say thay every single time but its the truth.

i will definitely be getting my tattoo this year, idc. life's too short bro.

i would love for all the scars on my body to clear the fuck out, my self confidence is drastically dwindling man :(

hopefully i think of more to say, I'm getting tired.

also i hate my job lmfao fuck my managers, fuck the pussy ass coworkers that cry and complain about everything, fuck the cheap ass company.

GOD PLEASE SEND ME A SIGN IM SPIRALLING 😭😭😭😭 LITERALLY SOMETHING ANYTHING

i wish i was more motivated and inspired to do new thing's seek out new adventures and people new environments all of it but idk how to get my brain to switch up... i really want to try shrooms and see if that will truly help cause I'm literally tired of feeling like this all the time

ok thats it

[96babyfuckyeah]

Oky why is Marley SUCHHHH a good movie??? I don’t think I could ever get tired of it. It’s so beautiful; bobs life as he grew up in trench town, him recording his 1st solo single and it not selling, him forming a group with his boys, him building his musical career, learning more about his personality and character through his family and friends...... I can’t get enough. This movie sits with me so deeply. I feel like I can connect with it only by having Jamaican roots but I feel like it’s just something that can explain me somehow...

Idk if that even makes sense but he was just so revolutionary and I aspire to be like him, mostly because he had his head straight, was focused on his goal and wanted to move and inspire others by means of his beautiful music. Such an amazing person.

I feel like that this movie being on my mind 24/7 really means something. It’s 2:36 am on December 20. That Pineapple Express is doing something to me and it’s making me appreciate this movie even more. I kinda wanna she’s a tear or two for how articulate they created this documentary. No one will ever top this one and I’m forever grateful for the internet for letting me have access to see this.

[96babyfuckyeah]

I have the urge to wanna like... rebrand if that makes sense.

I’m bored

I want the new job to reply back to me :(

i want new beginnings for 2021 :(

[96babyfuckyeah]

Not sure how I feel today. Still unaccomplished. Still want a new scene. Same old shit... is there anything else I could possibly talk about??

Actually yeah there is.

I feel like I don’t have a deep connection with some of my friends at all... Correction: most of my friends LOL. I just don’t feel super close with them like I could tell them anything mostly cause I don’t trust them. That’s so sad lol

[96babyfuckyeah]

Okay so...

I’m not as hot and bothered about the sitch anymore, which is nice. I just had to come to terms with what was happening. #life

where my man at???? Shietttttt

Do I go to Cali to visit my auntyyy???? Do I risk it all????? Lmao no but I want to (I’m just broke af)

Gotta make a to do list for tomorrow

I would like to get h I g h as a kite please! And pass the fu k out

Why did it take me 12 hours to do my hair today?????? AND I STILL AINT DONE TF??