9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

Whatever may have happened. You didn’t have to leave so quickly. You didn’t have to say such bad things. Telling me you weren’t hurt, wouldn’t hate being apart and wouldn’t miss me.

I am misunderstood. It doesn’t forgive the faults or what i did for you to be so angry, but after everything.

After being my baby, after me letting you in and us sharing what we did, for you to let me in so close and then leave and cut me so quickly. After all the years.

The only thing that has kept me from going mad today is that after me trying so hard and begging, you’re talking to me.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

I don’t want anybody else to ever love me.

I think you are extremely precious. I adore your character so much. Everyone always told me it would take a strong woman to be with me. ‘Strong woman’ is praise that falls so far short of what you are. You’re brave too, i love it. I love the fight in you. You’re no bullshit and it drives me crazy (obviously a good way) because it’s not something I’m used to in my life at all. That time you mentioned us being at dinner with you yelling at the waitress and me telling you to relax is the exact one I had in my mind for years. It’s always a warm thought that my love is strong - I wouldn’t have it any other way. It would be boring if I was in charge of everything, if i made every decision. You are exciting.

I went into London today for the first time in fucking ages. I am very serious when i say that the last year or so I was a total recluse. So, it was like visiting a foreign place almost, even though i used to go so often, its a 20 minute drive from where I live. I.... I didn’t enjoy it at all. Since my escapades with my friends in London and our relationship, I have so many things I want to do in London with you. Today I was thinking about how I’d spend one of the many days I want to with you. I thought maybe we could go see a movie? Your choice, I’m not so good with movies. There’s this one cinema I particularly like because of the way it looks, just a cylinder of concrete underneath the highway it’s really unique. They have those big comfy couple’s chairs i never got to sit in when i went with my friends 😂. Once the movie is over and it’s getting dark we can walk around and shop for a while, lots of cool and lots of expensive things to see. Architecture, shoes, clothes, furniture food art books music its all there for us. Then, when it’s properly dark we could catch a bus en route to the Thames riverside embankment, the busses are usually only carrying a handful of people at that time so we can rush to the back seat, topside of the bus, the view at night is very nice. Giggling all the way to the spot i want to go to. Then on the embankment we can sit side by side, someone’s head in someone’s neck (ha ha ha) just talking...slowly...watching the lights of the giant city buildings dance on the water of the Thames.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

Depression didnt leave me its just normal now. Its so weird. Its nothing and yet its good and bad.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

Holy shit like the last 7 posts just came within a minute it just happened like my fingers were just a conduit for something i didnt even need to think about. Crazy.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

With you i am never alone.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

I miss you. I love you. My love you have my endless affection.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

I want to keep you close for as long as i can.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

You make me better.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

Love with you is the most beautiful dance. You are everything.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

I would like to sit with you under the stars, maybe by a fire.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

Days with you change me completely. I wake up, i dont curse the light that hits my eyes anymore. I sleep with eager anticipation to speak to you again tomorrow. My mother has noted a change in me even though i have tried to hide it. She has asked why im so talkative and generally not in a mood. You make it worth everything.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

I still want to be so much better for you

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

Youre going to have to remove me, because i am not going anywhere.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

Real talk. This used to fit me. I have a lot of old, massive clotjes that used to fit me. Fuck my parents for ever letting me get that fat. I asked my mum recently wtf she was thinking she said ‘Thought you would grow out of it, your uncle was fat when he was a teen too.’ I was just like brorororororororbrooooo just jdhdhd. Ok.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

I miss my baby so much.

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

My mum almost broke down into tears just now telling me off for spending my money on drugs. Man, i do not like seeing her upset at all. I just try to keep things as calm and gentle as possible when shes shouting at me like that. But at the same time its like ‘this is partly a bit your fault too you know.’

[9-12-15-22-5-25-15-21-8-1-14-1]

I want to marry you.