85wpm

[85wpm]

another orbit round the sun, check. oh how i used to dread this day, and for the silliest of reasons too. ok maybe not so silly when you're young and unsure of who really, truly cares about you enough to make your day ALL about you. because every moment of silence and every unreceived text throughout the day just makes you think: i'm unloved. i don't matter. people forgot about me.

i still remember sobbing my wee heart out at 9 because nobody at home wished me happy birthday (of course they did later that day). and then again at 16, bursting into tears around my friends and saying "nobody remembered my birthday!" (cue the ABSOLUTE mortification when i realised they had actually planned to celebrate it the next day), and then again at 22, when i cried for 6 hours straight because somebody decided to be a jerk to me (i still wish you ill, you twat.)

anyway, everytime 8 may came around, i just couldn't wait for it to be over and skip ahead to the 9th.

but somehow this dread seems to have ebbed to nothingness in recent years. maybe it's because growing older mellows you out to be less melodramatic once you realise that ~22 MILLION (if my math is right) other people share the same birthday as you. so no, your day is not and literally cannot be all about you. maybe it’s because big-girl money means i can treat myself anytime, so birthdays kinda lose their sparkle? why be constrained to a day, when you can celebrate through the month!

or maybe it's because i've found (or finally realised that i have) people who love me enough to celebrate me and hold me up and make me feel seen 365 days a year, such that being acknowledged on this one day no longer becomes the raison d'être of my entire existence.

and it might just be a small handful of people, but each and every one of them go out of their way to let me know every damn day of the year: i'm loved, i matter, and i'm not forgotten.

and i'm just hella grateful for every single one of them. 💜

[85wpm]

In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.

[85wpm]

so many thoughts i have to keep buried because i don't know what they'd do to those who hear them. would these secrets keep them warm in the knowledge that they aren't alone in their feelings and fears, or would these words when uttered reveal the coldness of their hearts and make them wield these gained confidences like a knife to cut me down?

once upon a time i trusted somebody and the bite of betrayal leaves an ugly scar to this day.

[85wpm]

31 years of lived experience has led me to a place where the things i once held as the bedrock of my entire belief system are no longer as solid and unshakeable as they once were. not everything is 100% right or 100% wrong, not everything is black or white. and with that comes too the question: why should i listen to them when they tell me how i should live my life? and more importantly: why did i?

[85wpm]

Billy Bryson, Neither Here Nor There

[85wpm]

The World’s Loneliest Whale Sings the Loudest Song by Noor Hindi

[85wpm]

Anne Carson, ‘Wildly Constant’, London Review of Books

[85wpm]

Today I took a small and yet at the same time big step towards recovery/reconciliation and I'm putting it here to remind myself that this is just the start and though the journey ahead is going to be painful and at times impossible, the end result of going through the Refiner's fire to get to the pure gold is going to be so damn worth it. So to hell - literally - with pride, and may I have the humility to continue setting things right, one small (and big) step at a time.

[85wpm]

what do you do when you find out you've lived, believed in, and unwittingly perpetuated a lie your whole life?

not just a lie but the most nefarious, hateful, and despicable form of deception.

i honestly don't know how to process this. all i can say is monsters are real and I now struggle with the idea that all can find absolution in God. how does one offer forgiveness in the face of such horrifyingly reprehensible actions? how does anyone move on from this?

what you don't condemn, you condone. what you don't prevent, you perpetuate. none of us are innocent here and I hate myself so much for just taking things at face-value and not digging deeper when I had the chance. and now it's all too little, too late. and how the hell can anything i do now ever make up for what we all failed to do all those years ago?

[85wpm]

Kahlil Gibran, from "On Joy and Sorrow"

[85wpm]

This was such a JOY to listen to!

[85wpm]

I mean, an emphatic period is just a‐ it’s just an exclamation point. I didn’t want to seem desperate.

PALM SPRINGS (2020) dir. Max Barbakow

[85wpm]

May the bridges I have burned / light my way back home

3 years later, I would still rather shout into the (digital) void than share my real feelings with people and it really is very telling of my cynicism and disenchantment with friendships.

Vulnerability and trust is a two-way street and after getting brutally knocked down even after looking left-right-left, guess it just feels like I'm better served bringing my thoughts to the grave than attempt to cross this road again.

[85wpm]

I've been quite the hypochondriac lately just cuz I've been nursing a cough that won't go away since last month and i hate queueing up to see the doctor but yesterday in the midst of contemplating what sickness i might have i was hit by a flash of clarity that maybe what ends me is not a slow wasting sickness with the luxury of goodbyes but an unexpected accident that robs you of last farewells and suddenly the line in What Sarah Said "And it came to me then / That every plan / Is a tiny prayer / to father time" never made more sense.

TLDR: life is short like really really short so how ready are you to die?

[85wpm]

We could build a house / away from here / You and me / in the middle of nowhere / Fight the frost / of the morning blue / I don't care / I just wanna get warm with you

[85wpm]

Today this quote came to my mind unbidden while I was scrolling through someone's IG page and feeling all sorts of ugly on the inside and out and I guess it's a subconscious reminder to myself that I need to do some thought-inventory and clear out all that's gunky and gross before it's too late and I turn into a bitter old cow!!!!!!!!

[85wpm]

“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realize how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”

— Jim Carrey