7-21

[7-21]

I hate how I am to her

[7-21]

There's been times where i seriously thought i was her

[7-21]

[7-21]

feb22 2024 11:26pm

the other day in the lively event my friends were asking about my choices and what i would do ths year and when i told them what i wanted, from a job, saying it out loud, and seeing their faces., i almost felt guilty for thinking so lowly of myself, it was so uncaring,ifelt pained, it was a few moments where i saw their faces right after i said it, ..maybe its not as grave ,being in this state right now,i,i wonder who i can tell, in person, how i have been feeling, surprsingly i told my mom how i feel so dead some days, that was.. something to think about..it was a very conscious, sober conversatipm, it was frustrating too, im only now wondering how it was frusrtating for her,or what it was, to talk to me. im almost 20, i really have dehumanized her in my perception

i feel that it always comes back to flatness and i try to tell myself shes just a monster and i cant trust her with my words and my truth

im scared of when the next fight will 'show me'that its worthless to tru and speak with her

i wonder if we could ever reach a true communcaitn

[7-21]

a stagnation , i find that i miss high school so much., i might be reframing different than it was, i wonder, how mu

i ...ve been remembering, a much crueler thing, too, when it was probably not htat way, very critical of myself, and how i was to my friends,

i miss them, i miss then so much, all i want is community, the drifting apart,the barrierv,eil, veil, the veil, it feels so violent speaking, i want true =Seeing =each other,..i cant reply..i feel guilty

[7-21]

It's not even suicidal ,this is death already, a state, i can come out of it,

[7-21]

I feel dead I feel a pull to my bed and rot and inaction a big blue looming-over absorbi ng a child unmovingdreaming

[7-21]

I'm,its weird to write here, like a parr of me hopes for a response,the middle ground between diary and insane public venting,.

I'm so angry. I.im a child. This is the problem. None of that should matter. But why does it always mean to become more like him too? I feel gross always. God please.

[7-21]

🌜🦋🌛

[7-21]

feel dirty but i need to be careful with ocd worsening

[7-21]

contaminated , im so pissed off

[7-21]

everythg is fiction,everything told, and eveyrthing is throuh the eye, i dont know if we acan be free of acting under the knowledge that there is a gaze, but this is still true:to really connect and make your message truly heard , the only way we can actually glimpse each others souls even for a rareinstant is to first talk to one-self, out loud, and tha t is what will be heard, and only that can be true,..

[7-21]

can i realky work with children, i feel a disconnect but its really what speaks to me most, to make things better by being an art teacher,even when theres so much harm fundamentally in such a structure i truly believe something good can happen, a good teacher can save you, really ,a profound impact, i just, fuck, i dont understand,i dindt think i ha d a wall myself, but i do, why do i keep isolating,..i find myself wanting to stay at home rotting. i know justby moving i want to live again, but it still ocnfuses me, why iwould not want to live., how? i want to live,i dont want to die, but this is the same as death regardless

[7-21]

just bitter i must not become bitter, social,edia and these shit habits+lack of proper lucid conscious introspection and SOBRIETY is making me nuts,..and yet i keep waking up then going onmy phone not even 20 seconds of gaining consciousness. i need a change,badly,make my room mine,clean profoundly, strcuture is a glorious shining thin g,brillo., el brillo de la disciplina , i realy need this, im so scared of going back to karate , every time i think of that pplace andmy sensei and my classmates i feel the most intense shameful regret and embarrassment i cant even epxlian it,the wall in that place, was so thick,so thick, but tahts just my image of itnow, i am sure i felt such a wonderful,magical thing too, the glory of sweating, wokring hard,getting tired, el desgste, observar toda esa gente brillar con su esfuerzo y el trabajo de la dsicplina, que gloria, eso es hermoso.,su duelo tambien,la expresion de su perdida y agradecimiento, la unica opcion es volverse mas fuerte

[7-21]

i keep perfomring , its invetiab,efor all human interaction, bc somoene always sees,its alwyas thru /affectd by kniwng of the gaze. but stil.it beomes so insane even trying to '''fit in'''''''ncihe art circles online like wtf am i doingggggggggg just hte same shit as always trying to fit ina certain image alwaysan eye inside my head fuck, like i jsut need to foster soemthign fully private even tihs blog for some reason i dont want o make it rpriavte

[7-21]

jan 1 2023, well,actually 12:07 of jan2

i have been more bitter,i should practive some sort of, antyjingto pull me out of thse habits. its just like her. i find that iam just like her and ther is no room for any normal conflict resolution. i fear i will only rot ,............................. what ? sometimes i wonder if i just really am this lazy?about living? have i not killed mysle fonly beacse of fear of pain? im not really living either, so what am i doing? now that i write it down. ,it makes sense again,all i can really do is act, and become stronger and better this. opting out is simply not an option.. i dont want that either.. but i want to WANT life, too, vigorously...

[7-21]

No escucho