545111
babydoll.
anyways i hate my entire self
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“It’s alright, do your best”
(used a translator for this one so it might not be accurate!)
From what I’ve read this person apparently is/was the anim. director for 3.0+1.0? THINKING…
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wouldn’t it be lit if physical beauty wasn’t the primary determinant of female worth? like idk I think it would just be fun lol
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anyone else have the constant urge to say gay rights in response to everything
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i’ve been dissociating almost nonstop for my entire life that moments where i’m not tend to fill my chest with this indescribable almost overwhelming feeling. it used to happen more when i was younger, like after walking out of the movie theater with the movie still fresh on my mind the air just felt crisper the ground felt solider my head felt clearer and i just felt rooted in a place for once. and aware of it. idk if it’s like that for anyone else.
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alright don’t be mad but. i never read the great gatsby. i know i was supposed to. yes, it was assigned to us. i even know, more or less, what happens in the book. technically, i wrote an essay about it, i think, once or twice.
at the time, i hadn’t read any book assigned to me. ever. it wasn’t that i didn’t like to read. i loved reading. but homework took place in a function of my brain that i couldn’t access. i would sit in libraries or at my desk and just. not do my homework. i spent hours like this, days like this, years like this. just not doing what was assigned to me, no matter the consequences, no matter how badly i wanted to be doing it. i just wouldn’t. and i wouldn’t go to class because i didn’t want to deal with the fact i didn’t do the homework. and then i wouldn’t get the homework. so i didn’t do it.
i remember realizing while i was doing college applications that i had actually, real-life fucked up. that it was permanent, what i had done. that i had a C- of an average and no future to look rosy at. and i still couldn’t make myself do things. i tried to submit applications only to realize i’d shoved off the date to the very last moment. and i was fucked.
it takes me three years and two transfers and three new starts before i am actually real-life trained how to study, how to read, how to enjoy being assigned things.
and i watch parents of my students yell at students for being the same person i was six years ago: screaming at an A-, confused at skipped classes, punishing missed homework. and these students don’t have an answer. they just don’t do things. even if they want to. and they look at me, confused and defeated and without an answer for their parents. “i just can’t,” i hear a lot, and i understand.
parents don’t like “executive dysfunction” as a reason. “anxiety” and “depression” are often misdiagnosed as “procrastinating” and “lazy”. kids just learn they’re like this. that they’re always going to be. that it’s their fault, permanently. they are surrounded by books they didn’t read. and it doesn’t feel good. it feels like suffocating.
today i started “the great gatsby.” i promise. one day, it’ll feel easy.
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