4l1vealic3

[4l1vealic3]

i actually cannot wait to kill myself, its all i habe been thinking of forever. every night i fall asleep and dream of killing myself and peoples reactions to fall asleep and i want to do it more than ever. sometimes when i walk home i walk out into traffic when i should wait to see if that will be the time a car will finally hit me, but it never is.

[4l1vealic3]

my dad found some list i made like a year ago when i was deep into my disordered eating and would write pages of rules . . .

he found it when he randomly decided to clean my room a bit and he hasnt mentioned anythjng yet, fingers crossed!

[4l1vealic3]

why does my silly little brain have to think silly thoghts all day ? why cant i just exist without thinking about all the times ive ever said something weird or messed up ?

all i can think about is killing myself ! i wish i could stop chickening it out and do it already :(

[4l1vealic3]

happiness is such a performative emotion like why the fuck do i have to smile and laugh and "look happy" to experience joy??? why cant i just relax without people asking me if im mad at them or if im ok or whatever else

[4l1vealic3]

Your criticism was considered and the conclusion I've come to is killing myself about it

[4l1vealic3]

i was cutting myself and normally my arm isnt on anything while im cutting, but today i put it on my leg and when i cut my arm it cut kinda deep into my leg.

i was so shocked cause i like never cut on my legs and now its gonna heal all weird cause its on like the side bottom of my kneee

[4l1vealic3]

i love reading fanfic

and its probably just me, but i hate reading ship or romance fics the only thing i read are suicide attempt/self harm/character gets help for thier mental health/general mental illness.

i fucking hate geese why is their stupid quack so annoying

[4l1vealic3]

weeky reminder i want to kill myself

[4l1vealic3]

ive wanted to kill myself for long enough that when i think about why i want to kms i have no clue

[4l1vealic3]

i luv melanie martini, her new album makes me happy

[4l1vealic3]

i am so useless im like a fucking zombie all day. walk to school, sit in class, walk home, watch youtube, eat, sleep, and repeat. ive been thinking about what ive done today and yesterday and realised i have no fucking clue what or when anything happened. im so tired all the time

life is so fucking monotonous and i want to kill myself

[4l1vealic3]

i luuuuuuvvvvv cutting myself its so fun and i need new blades soon but im too lazy to walk like 10min to the drugstore

[4l1vealic3]

rn im thinking of that time i told my therapist that i would wake up in tears bc of nightmares of me being raped when i was like 7 for 2 months straight and he like never said anything anout it?????

[4l1vealic3]

i dont know what i want why cant i want anything

i think im going to tell my friend i want to kill myself, not anytime soon tho. i just kinda feel like im in a stalemate with life rn

[4l1vealic3]

I can hear my dad and his gf fucking in the room beside me and i need them to shut to fuck up i just want to sleep

[4l1vealic3]

i have been thinking of telling someone that i want to kms. im kinda bored of existing in pain and stuff and i mean, worst case scenario i just like kms.