4ever-scared - Tumblr blog

[4ever-scared]

Christina's World by Andrew Wyeth (1948) American Teenager by Ethel Cain @mothercain (2022)

[4ever-scared]

[4ever-scared]

6/16/24

i did ballet ever since i can remember up until junior year of highschool. it was one of my joys to dance and perform. but the ballet world is damning for a young girl. i have thick thighs compared to the rest of my class. and i was never as good and i wanted to be. i looked at myself in a leotard and tights 3 days a week for years. and that hurt the way i look at my body and how i feel about it. i got sad and fat and i started vaping a lot and smoking weed daily. it became impossible for me to compare myself to my peers that intensly and so regularly without cutting and smoking and secluding myself. i hated myself. i sliced up my thighs the winter of junior and i didn’t realize id have to put tights on again, id have to show my legs to the people i hated showing so much of myself infront of. my attendance got to a point that the school kicked me out, which i understand and completely agree with now. i was angry and sad and jealous. i hated everything that i had done to myself. i gave up. on everything. i wanted to die

and then stuff changed and time went on and senior year came and went. i graduated and went to new york and got a full time job. i got better, slowly for sure but better. i like who i am and look forward to the future in some ways. in other ways im terrified. its scary to grow up and not know what to do. ballet was always the thing i did. if someone asked what i do, what i like, i would say i do ballet. and then one day it was i did ballet. visually not a huge change, but it signifies failure, waisted time and energy. i was doing something i loved but i had to quit. now a days i dont know what im supposed to say when someone asks me what i do or what i like. art? not really i suck at art. music? i just listen to it probably as much as the next person.

that is it. thats all i have. what are you supposed to do with life when nothing works out the way you hoped