4aminvesterbro

[4aminvesterbro]

31/08/2024

I don't even remember the last time I actually wrote a personal post on this blog. It must have been so long ago, my age must have started with a 1. London and life are really testing me, and I feel I need to pour my feelings somewhere. I tried journalling, it doesn't seem to be working... I do it occasionally and not as often as I wish to and I would like to have a record of my life somewhere.

I now understand why everyone has this love and hate relationship with London. I love its smells, colours, architecture and life but I am struggling to find my own path. I have been struggling to make friends, I guess it is a combination of being an expat, being almost 30, being lazy and living in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Real bonds and relationship are so rare, and I am actually quite lucky to have some here in London but I am unfortunately a social animal... and I feel these are not enough.

I am trying to shake up my routine a bit. Since I came back from Italy, I have been trying to structure it a little bit better, to give it some purpose. I feel all my actions and choices in the past have been made thinking about my job, my career, my professional development, never considering my mental health. After 1 year and a half I wanted to leave. Now I feel a bit better, but I still need to detach myself from the idea that my job is my life. It is really hard, when living in a city like this where everyone moves so fast, work so hard and the competition is insane. Even though stimulating, I do feel like I am losing a bit of myself in this chaos. And I am not taking advantage of the opportunities this city has to offer.

It's quite funny how, no matter the age, I still feel like September brings new beginnings.

It won't bring new beginnings for the two of us, that is certain. I keep going back to the conversation we had a few weeks ago, when I pushed you to let it all out with a joke. And we both had to take our hearts and put them on the table. Hard. Inevitable. I knew what you were about to say, every route, every possibility, led me to that same answer. 1500km (funny coincidence) are too much for the two of us. But I know you too well. And you know me too well. It is hard to let this go. We have been knowing each other for 15 years. We basically grew up together. It is hard to accept this will be the end of us (even though there was never an "us").

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Cavalaire, août 2022 © marinebeccarelli

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[2024] - Buenos Aires, Argentina

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typical rainy day in march (2024)

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Backyard Forest

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DSC01571 by elsa bleda

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Overthinking does kill your happiness

Unknown

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by Official Space

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Jenny Holzer - I see your body on a bed in the light, 1999 (Venice)

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copenhagen on film