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[3s0t3ric]

January demands attention

The only month you start the very second of with a kiss, and setting your intentions.

January ascends from the abyss, slowly but not necessarily gently. January brings hope for every other month that follows.

January teaches you to be gentle. Prepare your time accordingly, or you’ll only have yourself to blame. Snow plows can only go so fast.

The snow January brings teaches boundaries. Tread with caution or fall victim to your own ignorance. Snow teaches accountability. Gone are the days of preparation without foresight. Even the most distal things, fingers and toes akin to career aspirations, you must prepare now. Snow teaches you to love the world you only begin to create alongside it. You’ll eventually reap what you sow, but at the price of obeying the winter.

January sets the precedent beyond your worldly aspirations. January is your spiritual reset.

This is your chance, run or continue to be chased.

[3s0t3ric]

The block button was made by a man, but also made for men 

This week in particular I’ve had an exceptionally profound conversation with myself about my relationship with the Internet. It is no secret that I am chronically online, however I can’t help but think of who I would be if I allowed myself to exist in the the parameters of my own head before everyone else’s. A good friend of mine once asked me what I would post on one of my favorite social media accounts if nobody followed me. The honest answer would be more of what I already post there. The different comes when I think of my accounts that everyone has access to. From that one woman in my church growing up to my current coworkers (do as I say not as I do) I have found that I am not necessarily a different person, but I am more? Expensive? 

Let me elaborate. 

In this space I have discussed above, I’ve noticed my increased vulnerability makes me more likely to share the aspects of my like that are the more time consuming and emotionally, and monetarily expensive parts of my life. My photos with my degree. The mountain I hiked (jk we drove to the top and I got a nose bleed that night from being that high up). The friends I’ve spent years with. The posts I made were not necessarily about what is in my proximity, but what I cherished the most, and what I’m most scared of losing. Not only money, but what I spend my time on. 

The first example, where I am more ? Organic? Is a curation of purely out of what I am quick to call, “a day in my life”. These consist of things like my cereal bowl I spilled down my apartment stairs (I still cannot believe I drop things this consistently) a friend of mine said “if you didn’t drop at least 3 things; did we even hang out???” I think of this every time I drop something now or posts like my new desk at my first big girl job. 

At the end of the day, who cares?

This week I have learned about the intimacy that comes with my own perception of the world around me. I stopped sharing why I was giggling at the birds outside the window that looked like they were judging a talent show of the people below they as they embark on their daily commute. The people I’m around dont seem to notice I’m smiling and I’ve stopped sharing, stopped caring who knew. 

I’ve learned sharing pieces of me will ultimately get me in trouble. The vulnerabilities of myself was soon the salt thrown in my wounds of tomorrow. Although I can identify the people doing this to me are not the majority of people, MY majority of people chose to “not make good choices” to put it very lightly. What I had disclosed to be some of my darkest fears, suddenly closed in all around me from multiple friend groups with our correlation in the past 6 months. Almost as if rehearsed, the people in my life started to dwindle, and with that so did my sense of self. 

I’m a lover not a fighter, and I’m tired of fighting for the ones I love. 

I let go. 

All at once, every seed I had once planted; now a mature tree was slowly uprooted. The soil had gone barren and the rain chose to leave this forest out of the fun. I was alone with my dirt. 

The once expensive, prized possessions in my life chose a cheap thrill. 

I must admit, I took my time to wince in pain and “lick my wounds” as a dear friend would say, but what do I look like letting one singular storm deprive me of my fruit? What do I look like giving up and falling into isolation when I am known to have a wealth; wealth of relationship, wealth of wisdom, wealth of experience. 

I sat with myself and made the conscious decision that I cannot go back. 

With this decision I acknowledge I am starting all over ago. I look at my flat land and instead of seeing loss, I see potential for what could be a drought tolerant oasis of life. The ecosystem of the past has failed, yes but it has left behind the knowledge of, in simple terms “what not to do”. 

After taking a step back, some of my internal affirmations come back. I am more blessed to have experienced the love than no love at all. I feel my heart release the tension. Those who have hurt me to a terminal point to our relationship also poured into me to some capacity, even if it’s only an example of what not to do. I made a promise to myself that I’d try not to give someone the opportunity to hurt me twice. I have to stand up for myself. 

This is because I know where I am meant to go, and this may not align with the goals others have for themselves. As my dad says, “none of us are making it out of this alive” so nothing is truly infinite, and it can be frustrating to believe otherwise. 

In good faith, I am blessed to be here, and even more blessed to know where I’ll be soon.  I cannot prove I am someone worth knowing in someone else's story.

[3s0t3ric]

Profound listening

Back at it

I have found that I only submit my literature here when I’ve entered a particular state of being. It’s difficult for me to be inspired to explain ideas here when I don’t completely understand them myself, here is my attempt to deviate from that way of thinking.

This season of my life I have LARGELY expanded on my time being alone. Even in the presence of others I’ve noticed myself to feel quite absent. Preoccupied? I work with my therapist weekly to digest the past week; however recently I’ve found it even more troubling to deviate from a few key character building moments that have occurred, some months prior. The longer I ruminate the longer these feelings begin to stockpile like merchandise in the back room. I can’t seem to put anything new on the show floor, if you will.

In some of my neuroscience classes we learned about the neural structure of rumination, specifically as it presents in OCD. The constant reminder of a stimulus similar to reading the same post-it note 150 times a day (no really, sometimes even more in these studies) showed it’s what seems to be impossible to move on.

I know all of this and I can visualize each slide from the lecture in my head, but this was not the preventative/ proactive armor I knew it to be. I know this to be true, but I guess in practice I’d be a little more prepared if (let’s all be real here WHEN) the time came.

Maybe due to my oppositional defiance disorder (what I endearingly refer to as bad ass kid disorder) or maybe it’s my strong drive using spite, I have done the exact opposite of the textbook advice for these signs.

I listened to myself.

The most common treatment for OCD specifically is exposure therapy. Basically ignore what your visceral cues from within are telling you and just have at it.

I chose isolation. There was no other way I could hear my internal monologue without the chatter of others breathing down my neck. Shes got me this far, might as well hear her out right?

After I had this dialogue I needed to go to someone I trusted, someone who would listen to me like I listened to myself and someone who could make sense of what I couldn’t.

I swear my therapist was a monk in a past life. Sometimes she has these moments where I talk and she is silent, flips down her bifocals from the top of her head as she angles to her book shelf and tabs through her post-it’s sticking out of her books on a shelf next to her. It’s always a self help book she recommends and it’s always gonna knock your wind right out of your chest like you were dropped on your back on the playground as a kid.

Before this session I had felt confident I had made a steady rise in progress and mental health. Ha. She grabbed Attached by Amir Levine, a classic self help book. My therapist has extensive knowledge when it comes to attachment styles (her master’s thesis) so she whips out this book maybe once every 6 months. She reads a passage about the correlation of thought between avoidant attachment style, and abandonment issues.

This did not have that “knock the wind out of you” feeling. Abandonment issues??? I just isolated from everyone I felt connected to for 3 months because I had to get it together, what about that screams abandonment issues???

Her passage explains that the avoidant attachment style’s attachment abandonment issues look different from the widely publicized anxious attachment style’s abandonment issues. The anxious will tend to cling on tighter when they feel abandoned, where the avoidant will “don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya” (paraphrased here) you into oblivion. The book referenced a famous study originally done by Mary Ainsworth named The Strange Situation. In this children ages 9-18 months were separated from their mothers in stressful ways, and left to handle these emotions on their own. Information was also recorded when they were united. The anxiously attached would have this grande fit of sadness upon seeing their mother, crying and the like. The secure babies were excited to be reintroduced to their mothers with minimal tears however the avoidant babies outcomes were rather unexpected. The avoidant babies would acknowledge the mother had returned, and then they would resume playing with their toys from before. Later in this study it was noted the avoidant’s stress hormone cortisol was elevated similarly to the anxious babies, contrary to their differing physical reactions. Even at these young ages, these babies had these distinct reactions.

There that feeling went. I can’t believe this woman had all of these quotes locked and loaded seemingly specifically for me. The last 6 minutes of our session went by of her basically telling me that the avoidant doesn’t outwardly react to abandonment, but the body processes it all the same. I shut my laptop and stared at the wall. All of the work I’ve done to suppress my reactions, and they’re still happening, just in lowercase now?

Unfortunately this all made sense. This listening I had been doing was to the thoughts I’ve been having before and after I thought I fixed my problem is anxiety. The rumination was all too familiar from my textbooks and even though I could explain what was happening on a molecular level my brain’s disfunction I can’t stop it. Maybe ignorance IS bliss.

The shadow is the greatest teacher, the dark is where you find the stars.

In my solitude I strengthened my awareness to my inner voice. Although I cannot control it, at this point I don’t try to. I experience my thoughts, I do not own them. The thought of no reaction also being just as troubling of an abandonment issues as a grandiose smothering response is honestly still quite jarring and truly not a gag I could have predicted, but as I navigate this I am reminded I am in great company. There wouldn’t be books and studies and charts and graphs if I was in solitude here as well.

Even in our distance we are all right by one another.

[3s0t3ric]

Watching People Operate Through Fear is so Captivating

The human experience is so divine in the way that we all have complexities, yet all of our experiences are common among certain other populations. Why? All of the sudden social boarders blur and we are among our peers not of just age, but mutual experience.

As I’ve decided to dive into learning more about aspects of myself outside of my academic life which I have spent the past 17 years of my life nourishing, I’ve found it rather troubling to catapult myself into ANY sort of novelty.

In the same stroke as academia, I have also been a vegetarian for 17 years. This means that as a 6 year old KINDERGARTENER, I made the conscious decision to forbid any meat into my body, and boy am I hard headed. Let me tell you, old habits die hard! During a recent trip of mine I had decided now was the time to immerse myself into something that was novel for me. I received a complimentary snack from one of the many restaurants I had visited; the gag is this “snack” contained fish. I was determined to at the VERY LEAST attempt to eat it. I worked myself up for the next two (2) days (48 hours) (2880 minutes but who’s counting) ruminating trying this bite sized, cultural interpretation of what only I could understand as a tuna salad. My dear travel buddy (bless this poor woman for letting me get a box for my 1” by 1” snack) had walked me through the idea of having to go through some things alone, as not to blur your thoughts with the potentially improper guidance of others.

This struck a cord in my highly independent being. Not only did she tell me that i had to do this alone, but I am blessed to have myself, and only myself as my support system.

I am the only person in the world that has spent 100% of my time with me. I know me the best and I know when to push myself, and when I need to let myself rest.

After 2 days, I had finally decided I was in a safe mindset for a new experience. I went to the refrigerator where the rather minimalistic to-go box sat and put the bite of fish cocktail in my mouth. There was an immediate flush of emotions. I was encapsulated; up to my neck and inexplicably unable to breathe? This feeling was comparable to sneezing hours after my wisdom tooth surgery and ripping all 4 stitches simultaneously (I’m not kidding this was WILD). I choked. Not on the food, but I began to cry. As the fear melted to frustration I hear my own mantra I’ve repeated to countless others.

Be gentle with yourself.

If I’m being completely honest, in this point of time I wish I wasn’t so quick to be emotionally intelligent because I wanted to sit in my anger.

Anger is sad’s bodyguard.

What was I truly angry about? Well I was sitting on the cold floor of a shared kitchen in the middle of central Harlem defeated by none other than a scoop of Smokey (tilapia??? Your guess is as good as mine).

But. I did it. All me.

We can’t discount our life experiences. After much consideration, I am proud of how I proceed through fear. I am proud to know I have the mental grit to want to do something, and get it done.

Make it a point to share your feats, yes, but also the character building days that built that person with successes. Healing is not a solo journey. Heal in community and take notes from the ones you trust. Others can share their experiences in a safe environment to encourage deeper thoughts about your own human experiences. We aren’t as distant as we think.

The biggest failure is to not do it,

and

old ways never open new doors.

[3s0t3ric]

Excuse All The Asides. We’re in an Adderall Shortage. 

Recently I have been diving into the habits I have. One of them being the fact that I indeed, am a post-it note girly. When it’s time for me to organize my ideas the first thing I do is sift through the compilation of time colorful papers that seem to remind me how to live my life. A note from me, to me. If only I always took my own advice. 

I’ve been doing this as long as I can remember. I’ll get a thought to add something to my grocery list, and I am certain if I don’t attempt to jot it down, it’ll be gone sooner than it came. I’ve learned my lesson a time or two, so I’ve gotten into the habit of writing things down. 

As a person with ADHD/ former student/ person who occupies planet earth I have been influenced by the bullet journal trend. The idea of having a guide to EVERYTHING about my life, my last dentist appointment, when I changed my sheets, my loved ones birthdays and my to do lists all in one place is INVIGORATING!!!!

Once. 

Well once it’s complete. It’s just, getting it done that I struggle with. Truthfully, the last thing I wanna do after I’ve wrestled on a fitted sheet (how does it ALWAYS seem to pop off the corner farthest from me???) is document in my 3rd grader handwriting the date of today in a page it probably took me forever to find. I’ll take the pillow breaking me out, thank you. 

I was surprised to find these devices for jogging the memory of it’s writers had a name. We really reinvented the wheel during the pandemic with bullet journals (I’ve been forgetful for years but I’ll give it to the bullet journal guys) the original conceptual bubble we are discussing is called a commonplace book. The idea being that all of your thoughts are in a Common. Place. (Really complex I know.) 

I instantly jogged over to the wiki page. The article I found this in was discussing Thomas Jefferson’s commonplace book, however the idea of common place books dates back to John Locke, and later Charles Darwin. What this tells me is people have been drawing graphic organizers and forgetting birthdays for centuries. Congrats, it’s generational. 

I next thought about all the quotes we’ve received from these important people from history. Were they the initial person having these ideas, or were they just wise enough to write them down? 

You see I don’t know about you, but I don’t know annnyyyone that can personally vouch for Locke’s “life, liberty and property” thing or Darwin’s “natural selection” thing with their own two eyes. For all we know it could have been notes taken from a conversation ages ago that’s gone untitled in Charles Darwin’s big ole book of ideas.

Applying this to my current habits, how much have I let breeze out of my consciousness to inspire others without writing it down myself. How often have I proposed an idea, just for someone else to get the credit just because they conveniently decided to have their posit notes handy. 

Ever since I’ve had this idea (5 days ago) I’ve kept my pen clicked and my post-its clear. The tumble weeds of post-it notes, pictures, and post cards from the people I love surrounds my intellect with the company it needs to produce greatness. My affirmations around me give context to my abilities and my to do list gives context to how I am going to do it. I am nothing if not capable and I SWEAR I will never miss another doctors appointment because those late fees are beyyyonddddd me. 

You know who go with the flow? Dead fish. Write it down. 

[3s0t3ric]

Death by Monologues

Death by Monologues 

Inspired by MLK’s Letter from Birmingham Jail 

Collaborations has been one of the most integral assistants in my journey to excellence. I strive to surround myself with a diverse group of people, each adding experiences to my registrar I had not had previously. 

I heard a quote when researching grad school that your grades are not near as important as the experiences you obtain and the people you meet. After this, I worked to network with my classmates inside and outside of lectures to further study them as people. After all, these are supposed to be likeminded individuals. 

As time went on, I was quick to note that people with seemingly similar paths preferred to spend time with each other. This seemed to be particularly normal in an academic setting; the high achievers flocked to each other. 

And then there was me. 

Although I had dialogue with people from each group, I wouldn’t say I was particularly loyal to just one. Even so, outside of academia I have found myself around people of different careers, hobbies and skill sets. 

These new friends of mine have taught me time and time again that I am a lifelong learner. I study people. I have nothing to learn from a person striving to be “just like the rest” who accumulates attributes off of one specific personality type. 

There is an increasing urge to give a synopsis of oneself as someone who did it all on their own. Their monologue is uncharted information as they are the first to make groundbreaking realizations about the world, and they are the sole creator of this new information. 

This never sat right with me. Because of the people in my past I have had topics brought to my attention I had not previously considered, and I have met others who would have never crossed my path. I am honored to say I have all encompassing connections regardless of implications we believe to be true. 

It can be easy to say all of this, but what does this look like in the real world? 

I’ve challenged myself to break the 4th wall with the people I encounter. A stranger is new friend, and you never know what you’re just a conversation away from. 

The trending “self-invented” character lacks a network. The self invented character lacks perspective. In all that we can learn from others, why would the lack of dialogue be something to boast about? 

That person is confessing to ignorance. There is great wisdom in the knowledge of others. To honor one another is to ask questions, to be curious and to be in their net of support. 

When we inspire others with our past we help shape the future.

Don't withhold your greatness from your people.

[3s0t3ric]

Maybe Natasha Bedingfield was Right, Active Listening From Within

One of the most frustrating things I have found in my field of study is the lack of communication, and furthermore the lack of understanding. How evil it is to experience such divine thoughts, only to watch them blow away in the wind due to a lack reciprocity. 

One idea that I stumbled upon recently was the idea of how, “ a person can only meet you as far as they’ve met themselves” extends to other assets of life. 

With this logic, a person can only give you what they have already given themselves. 

A person can only listen to you as much as they listen to themselves. 

A person can only respect you as much as they respect themselves. 

A person can only protect you as much as they protect themselves. 

To be an active listener to other people you must first be an active listener to yourself. This can be practiced by listening to your body. dissecting your feelings about an event, practicing intuitive eating and strengthening your mind muscle connection are all exquisite ways to reinforce these habits. 

I can always tell in others when they have spent their time in the passive frame of mind. Their perfectionism takes over, their eyes dart around the room after voicing an opinion in search of the validation of others, and they are passionless. Nothing drives them. They find it hard to describe themselves to a group and it is always evident who or where they got their few mild interests from. 

To listen to your own thoughts may push you beyond your limits, but life begins at the edge of your comfort zone, and to begin understanding the world around you, you must first understand the world within you. 

Active listening is a practice that starts from within. When a person begins to develop this sense of understanding, they reinforce the idea that the sensory their brain receives is correct, which can allow you to react accordingly. 

Release your inhibitions. Listen to your self and be present for yourself. in return you will be more present in your relationships, friendships and the like. 

Short and Sweet today

[3s0t3ric]

Vantage

Hi Friends, 

In scrolling around the creative circles I’ve found myself apart of I was inspired to find a wedding cake that was hung upside down to allow for easier maneuvering by guests. How insightful. I thought of other things in my daily life that use this principle. There is also a hanging basket design that goes through apartment gardening discourses where one plant, usually tomatoes, are planted 180 degrees inverted, to maximize soil space, therefore also maximizing fruiting plant production. In looking at my life, I have thought of each design that work by being upside down.

I saw a conceptual cross over as well with a beginner drawing exercise I had learned in my first drawing class. Turning the reference photo upside down is a vantage point our brains are not often exposed to, therefore challenging your mind to look for the shapes, shading and visual architecture that has been in front of you all along, that you have yet to be exposed to. With this in mind I thought, what else have I missed being right side up? What else have I missed by neglecting to take in every vantage point of the world around me? 

When I started to dive into this I started to become more intentional about the way I perceived things. Not only physically manipulating knick knacks and such I find in my surroundings but also dissecting how I knew what I knew, and how I could replicate the results of others. Their tools, but also their insight they needed to accomplish the feats that stand in front of me.

In my sensory and perception class I had learned more about how our body perceives the world around us, and what our brain does with this information. Similar to looking into your own reflection in a spoon, our eyes actually mirror the sensation of the world around us to be both upside down and flipped horizontally. A sensation in the top right of your field of vision is percieved by the bottom left sensory neurons. Because of this, our brain has evolved to reassess these sensations to perceive them into the correct position where they exist in the space around us. 

It seems as if our bodies know the world around us, but sometimes our brains only highlight what is needed for the means of productivity. Our brains know we benefit from seeing right side up for things like coordination and balance in navigation (this is called proprioception; or were our body is in space) however it largely discounts the benefits we may find from exploring the would in this flipped state. This is an extremely primitive development our brain has made to our senses to better navigate the world, but what would happen if we intentionally fought some of these autopilot responses?

Step out of autopilot and take a second without the interpretation of your brain to make your own notes around the world.

You'll start to notice the beauty in your daily commute.

You'll start to notice your friends chipped tooth actually holds a fond childhood memory.

You'll start to notice your daily rituals hold the success from just days before as they slowly solidify in habits.

Suddenly nothing is good, nothing is bad, no positives no negatives.

It just. Is.

Take a second to truly be with yourself and others. Intentionally fight the ordinary and celebrate the state that you are currently in before your mind flips it upside down, in all senses.

With these thoughts in mind I have intentionally flipped the orientation of my lock screen of my phone (album covers and a neon sign I found in a small boutique) to invite me to flip the narrative of the ordinary perception, and to consume the world around me without judgement of default perception.

Hang loose,

AK

[3s0t3ric]

Unpleasant People

People pleasing has plagued generation after generation. In mending this wound I found one underlying factor repeat throughout my hours of phone calls to the people I trust. 

I would have an idea of how things were to go, and the people in the story never followed the script. How irritating. Seemingly only one party messing everything up, one party creating chaos for all. I assumed the role of a stationary mind in an ever changing world. 

Expectations. 

The problem instead resided in me. I mentally signed up anyone and everyone for tasks they may or may not plan on achieving prior to my ideas of them. These are not ideas from them, but rather idea of them from me. 

This lens of thinking was only echoed back to me as a close friend was describing a recent adversity they were experiencing, and answered her own thoughts aloud with my ideas on expectations. 

I challenge you 

Where did you get these expectations? 

Who benefits from you having this expectation? 

Is this thought made by you? Or has it been passed to you? 

Often we carry the thoughts of those around us. It can also be our intrusive thoughts. Often doubt. Sometimes jealousy. Maybe motivation. 

You pick up pieces of others like litter off a street. Now ask yourself what street you’d rather be off of. 

It’s amazing to me how much your expectations build your emotions behind an experience. If you never expect anything, you can only collect data on the ones about you. 

Your agreeableness is not tolerance, however it can protect you from staying in situations far after the exit sign glows. 

Remaining neutral to, often emotional, stimuli can be empowering. No longer being triggered. You have no expectations. The reverse is also true. Not building up an event in your head before you execute it can she e of HOURS of preparation. You’d be amazed where you can go by simply recording your baseline. 

You will never regret putting yourself first.

When I say the I often hear something along the lines of “but I dont want to be selfish.” 

Who benefits from you advocating for yourself being labeled as selfish?

Who’s voice is that in your head telling you you’re being selfish? 

I can guarantee it is not your own. 

Another mantra I’ve accepted that is not in my own voice goes like this, “you have two ears and one mouth, you were made to listen more than you talk” 

Especially growing up in an especially religious house, it benefit the adults when the children would “let the adults talk”

As I matured, it became evident to me that I never knew how to weave myself into conversation, and further how to physically approach a conversation. I was always confused how close we are allowed to stand. 

The people pleasing in my earlier stages of life set me up to fear every social interaction after that. I feared talking too much and not being heard, I feared taking up too much space in the conversation and not allowing others to be who they needed to be. 

I casted expectations on myself before they were even suggested to me by everyone else. 

In a group of girls last night a dear friend of mine quoted one of their professors, “modesty is useless, shout yourself out” and invited us to share something we’ve done that we’re proud of. This was a shift for me. Im so used to the “not speaking unless spoken to” way of talking about myself. Unless asked for further context, I only tell people what applies to them. Who are the people I’m pleasing with this?

You’d be amazed the answers that come to mind. 

[3s0t3ric]

Sky High Dichotomy of Perspective

I seem to get some of my best writings done from an airplane. There’s nothing like being thousands of feet in the air paying hundreds of dollars to catapult yourself across time zones. 

Flying red eye flights this trip was also a first for me. An early departure time makes for a bunch of grumpy passengers in sweat suits with the occasional infant strapped to a parent’s torso. 

When we got into the sky I dove into exactly what company I was amongst. Simply put, a bunch of strangers in a metal can traveling 500 mph at the whim of a person with a cute enamel pin on their collar. 

Some traveling for leisure: the little girls traveling to their grandmother in Florida who were nothing but thrilled to have a captive audience. 

Some traveling for work: the flight attendant traveling to her first training session.

Some traveling to meet the needs of those around them: the 20 something traveling to be the primary caregiver for their newly inn grandparent. 

Everyone has a story, and if nothing else, we have one thing in common. Being on this plane. 

Over the east wing the sun is just tip toeing over the horizon to greet us. Because we are now over the clouds, we see the sun before anyone on the ground had. Beautiful. It applies to so much more beyond this. 

Taking the advice of the little girls, I too took note of my captive audience. While in the air I had new friends on both sides of the plane take pictures over the wings for me. The east was beautiful, why not see both?

I haphazardly handed my phone to a complete stranger, (where was he going to go with it?) He reluctantly took my photo, and slid it back to me. 

I don’t know what I expected, the the picture he captured was beyond suboptimal. 

If pictures could talk, this would tell a tale of sorrow. The dreary back drop only made clear to be from the air because of the size of the faint houses was encapsulating exactly why I was not excited to fly so early. 

My side was different. The pinks and oranges blended without consideration for symmetry with the blue quietly humming throughout the top boarder of the window. 

It is serene. It reminded me of all the good I’ve seen in the world in the beauty in the details. 

From the moment we are born we have a different perspective from everyone in this life. From the way a newborn is treated, different chemicals in their brain release, causing irreversible growth. For better or for worse, your brain has been permanently changed. Some even before the umbilical board is cut.

Perspective.

These changes, like many others are permanent. Like in the saying nature vs nurture, your nurture gives context to who you develop into and how that person gets where they’re going.

Too often the very nurture engrained in us has hurt us. A person only has 2 ways to react. 

Let this dictate the rest of our path/ outlook on the ones we love most 

Or 

Let this be a lesson on depriving love and (and other feelings) from those around us. 

To earn the privilege to be understood we must first brave the weight of vulnerability. 

It is as if we spend all our lives climbing to the top of a mountain just to threaten not sharing the view. Instead of selfishness I see this as a fear being perceived. The fears should never outweigh the growth that comes fear. 

Go tell her you love how she enters the room

Go tell him you wouldn’t have gotten through the day without hearing his voice

Go tell them their words are in the back of your mind every time you drive past that one spot

The love you give is priceless: but also free.

To our friends not grown in love, may we nourish the soil at which they plant their feet.  It is such a beautiful place to give love and light to a healing journey.

Because of our perspectives we may not always challenge ourselves to see better. Sometimes the grass is most definitely greener on your side, but there’s no use if you don’t share the view. 

Share your green grass. 

[3s0t3ric]

Beauty in Show Shoes

There aren’t too many places where people are united in love anymore. In the popularized book “Bowling Alone” from the early 2000’s author Robert Putnam introduces the idea of “third places” stressing that as a community, there is a special purpose these places outside of work and home serve in creating social circles and relaxation. 

Talking to friends, I have always been the, “oh she knows everyone” girl. An interesting comment to hear again and again, but interpreting the writing of Putnam has helped reword what I have always experienced. Needing that third place. In my own life, these third places look like churches, college clubs, and community service organizations, where I had met this "everyone" so to speak. I dont say this in an aim for accolades, I say this to highlight the importance of consistently being in a certain place (either physical or in cyber space). 

In the past year since COVID regulations have been lifted I have found myself wanting to make up for lost time. Concerts have rescheduled their dates, and I am somehow the friend that everyone calls when they’d like to see a show, but need a partner. 

Concerts are the only place where people are still united in love, love of that artist and that genre of music.

As the type of artists I listen to expands, I’ve noticed distinct differences in the type of people that are attracted to each show I attend. Some shows better than others at fostering a sense of community. (I'm looking at you rap concerts). Listening to the reactions to the artists conversation between each song gave context as to who was in the pit with you under those blinding lights. 

Some of the cooler crowds I have been in were the smaller venues, with the artists with a couple of bigger features and a dream.

The best crowd i've found are the alternative/ punk genre. People who were just kids at Warped Tour, now attending a show after their desk jobs. Crowd surfing, mosh pits and random conversations about the music that brought everyone together. 

At the last punk show I attended I noticed the lead singer was giving some pretty introspective background to the context of each song before he preformed them. It's like the music version of a metal plaque next to sculpture.  It’s an easy way to make everyone feel more connected and unify the people who support you most. 

I took a few notes on the words that stuck out to me during these speeches (yes I had my notes app open at a concert, sue me) 

 “Some people came into my dreams to tell me something I needed to know, until I realized that person was me”

: As somebody who has studied psychology, my thoughts dart to the works of Freud and dream analysis. His big picture was that your dreams are an avenue for your subconcious mind to communicate ideas/ stress/ solutions to your conscious mind. With this quote, I realized all of which are still of me. 

“The sound of realization is most conspicuous by its absence”

: This is just one of those quote where you have to read it over and over to fully break it down. This quote was used in the context of a song about somebody who had passed. You never truly know what you have until it’s gone, and to realize this, you need the absence of said thing. 

“Hold tight to what hurts”

: A close friend said it a little rougher around the edges, “embrace the suck”. Feelings are made to help you navigate. They are a tool. The artist described before this song that he had tried to put off the grieving of a friend lost to an overdose, because the pain was too much to bare. He later went on to explain that starting the grieving process and running from what he truly wanted did nothing but hurt him further. 

All of these insightful conversations in-between sounds I’ve heard driving home in my free time made me realize. 

Concerts are my favorite third place. 

People jumping with joy, dressing in their favorite clothing, with their favorite people, listening to their favorite music. With those one pair of shoes that has stuck through it all like a punk rock version of a baby blanket. THAT is my favorite. 

After the lights come back up and everyone floods to the entrances I am always amazed by the unity among strangers in just a few short hours. Everyone drenched the energy that was poured into the venue. How beautiful it is to experience a love like the unconditional love of everyone under one roof celebrating the thoughts of the same person. Together singing the songs of heartbreak, love, loss and joy as one. The people around you just get it. 

There is power in being understood in your third places.

[3s0t3ric]

Mosaics

It’s a common trail of thought that we are all comprised of bits and pieces of the people we have loved in the past. With this lens, I look at my life in a way that every interaction I have, positive or negative is here to teach me something.

Approaching events, especially adversity with a mindset of neutrality has given me a certain sense of poise when pondering my past as well as my future.

The medical tribulations of my family growing up has made my extremely knowledgeable about an array of diseases, making me more empathetic and approachable oh these topics

The pattern of racing thoughts due chronic overthinking has now been rewired in that same capacity to operate as a highly efficient memory consolidation and reconsolidation bank capable of rhetoric and conversation similar to that of AI.

The subpar friend choices I’ve made have helped me tune into other’s intentions, as well as their insecurities. I’m also pretty good at scoping out cop cars now.

I think of these things when thinking of how I got to be who I am. I had a conversation with a coworker recently who asked how I got, “so confident”. Barf. I jokingly relayed that I have, what I call, a “built different complex”. I was only half joking, until she agreed, further solidifying my built different complex.

To me, confidence is not something you obtain, but rather something that has been proven to you subconsciously over time by others that you can indeed act within the space you desire. With this, my “built different complex” (absolute made up terminology I am coining in the here and now) has allowed me to essentially fake it until I’ve made it.

Another, perhaps deeper rooted shard of glass that weaves into my mosaic is the idea of my very own egocentric behavior. In my youth, I was often nagged, by grown women mind you, for my “bossiness and selfishness”

Do you mean a leader who protects herself?

How can you guide the masses with no resources?

As I became older, the tag “narcissism” wades in the shore of my thoughts. “Am I a narcissist???” I found myself asking my close friends I trusted the most. People who have the song of me crumbling at their feet in agony etched into their ear drums. It troubled me to think that I would have the propensity to be aloof to the pain I potentially casted into others.

The words I was given that now fight off those words are “narcissists don’t know they’re narcissists”, and “you are who narcissists think they are”

Let that sink in. For just a moment I felt these words melt me into the couch of this third floor apartment. Me? I am who the narcissists want to be? Odd.

The idea that narcissists don’t know their narcissists seemed paradoxical in nature. Although not completely true, it is an oddly accurate rule of thumb. The second piece hit me harder. I am who narcissists think they are?

After a lot of googling and a few psych classes, let me save you some reading on the theory of projection. Projection in psychology is the idea of casting your own troubles, insecurities or even strengths onto another person with the goal of trying to make them fit some standard you have for them (see idolizing). It’s a KILLER way to build up resentment and anger in relationships and overall sign people up for roles they did not agree to.

Because of the people I have had in my life, I was familiar with their insecurities, because they were also casted onto me.

In my typical ways, this is not a curse but a lesson I will keep being quizzed on until I receive a passing grade. Like every lesson, you must study. This can be meditation, praying, journaling. Whatever works for you. The longest strides I’ve hit in my personal development were when I spent free time with myself, and only myself. There is strength in knowing yourself, and it is up to you to find it.

Even broken glass can be a beautiful mosaic if given the potential to study its strengths.

Edit: When thinking mosaic I largely imagine stained glass of Catholic Churches, however this idea has been applied in many different cultures. Kintsukuroi is the Japanese art of bringing new life to otherwise damaged pottery by adding gold to the cracks of a pot and refiring the vessel through a vitreous kiln cycle.

Perseverance from pottery, how exquisite.

Photo via :

[3s0t3ric]

Everyone has dreams

One of the most inspirational encounters I have had in college wasn’t a Q&A panel with doctors or shadowing a med student, but a conversation over some cheesy fries with the guy who lived up the stairs from me in my dorm.

We met first week at a party, and it was almost immediately made clear to me he was trying to be social, but he wasn’t exactly the partying type. Smaller in stature, hiking boots and he had a constellation tattoo on one of his forearms.

We ended up sitting next to eachother and I got an opportunity to ask about his tattoo. He was starting his first year in the astrophysics program. Just for a moment, I saw this complete stranger light up. That’s the golden ticket. I asked him to tell me more, and asked questions that proved I was listening. The more in depth he talked the more at ease he became. His words floated in the air. For the first time, he wasn’t watering down who he was. No longer in a room of people, we were immersed in explaining our passions to the other.

He told me he wanted to be an astronaut. He leaned in like it was a secret. His smile was authentic and his posture told me no one had ever asked him the logistics of how he was going to achieve that dream of his. I listened.

These are my favorite conversations. The ones that keep you in the car far after you’ve gotten to your destination. The ones that you play on repeat in your head days after the fact. Passion drives people far beyond where motivation ever can.

I realized my dreams were fueled beyond just “wanting” to succeed when I saw the people around me react when I said where I see myself.

“What is that?”

“So what does a neuroscience even do?”

And my personal favorite

“You’d make a great nurse” , He must have misheard me. I said doctor.

I didn’t want. I was doing it.

There was no plan B. I worked as if this was the only option, because it was.

When I feel unsure of myself, a few affirmations flow through me like antidote to my failing free will.

“If you weren’t capable you wouldn’t be given the opportunity”

“Be a monster but learn how to control it”

“To go places you’ve never been, you’ll have to do things you’ve never done before”

The only lapse in judgement I seem to have at this point is doubting my own capability. If I have proved anything, it is I am nothing if not capable, and dreams only work of you do.

But it is a gambling game with dopamine.

Some days have a lull. In these moments I’ve noticed I have a habit of comparing myself.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

A long time friend posted recently about achieving a lifelong dream of hers. At the age of 22, she accepted a position as the art teacher of the elementary school she attended as a child. Fair enough. But I was off put by this. Not out of jealousy of distain, but I could not figure it out. This was her dream! Why was I repelling relaying a congratulations?

I reflected on myself and many others I am inspired by.

Did they ever achieve their life’s dream in their 20’s? Did they just stop pursuing? Ever?

The answer is never. The figures I look up to never peaked. Dreams so outlandish they discovered a new island of success off the coast of their comfort zone. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

It became increasingly clear in the following days that achieving a dream in my 20’s meant I wasn’t dreaming hard enough.

I’m just getting started.

Be delusional in pursuit of your dreams. The only one that needs to get it is you. No longer shooting for the stars, we are among them.

[3s0t3ric]

Love Is Free 

Love 

The word love seems to instantly create a dichotomy of anyone on the receiving end of its utterance. On one side, excitement. Joy. And the other, shame and sorrow, or perhaps embarrassment. Although love is free, the absence of love could make even the boldest person wither away into a lifeless shell of a person. 

Love is free.

Easier said than done. That person that cut you off in traffic? Yea theyre a new driver on their way to an event they’ve worked so hard to attend, give them some love. I could type out a dozen more examples but I think you got the point. Getting to the point where you so readily hand out grace to mere strangers may seem against your nature, but I want you to challenge you to ask yourself why that is. Who taught you to be so hard on yourself? Who taught you to be rough with others emotional intellect in pursuit of “tough love” in the end? And did it work for you? Do you think kindly of that person? Why or why not?

Odds are you absolutely despise the person(s) who made it difficult for you when life was already difficult enough. Making the change to be a person giving love may seem like youre pouring from an empty cup, until you realize your propensity to count favors in the people close to you is a learned behavior. The person who has the most to give is often the on who has shared the most wisdom. Sharing effectively multiplies the output of love, which is outside of the nature of most who operate on an economic system of counting who contribultes what to a relationship. 

There is no debt to pay if all love is free. 

When love is free you give grace to the strangers in your life. You are patient with your family in their time of needing reassurance and you support your friends need of commumity. It is all free to you, yet it is the most sought after resource in the world. The people who need love the most have the hardest time giving love. Like a dam in a river they withhold the few drips they do get in attempt to savor an exogenous piece of themselves, to no avail. Unlike beavers in due time the floodgates break and if not readily controlled, everyone in the surrounding areas may drown. This is  showcased by the “too little too late” standpoint often seen in long term, often familial relationships.

Reinforcing the idea that love is free as an affirmation for your daily life can be helpful in shifting your gaze from a dam to an ocean. Love is plentiful and there is absolutely no shortage of love to go around. 

As ive started to navigate these ideas ive noticed the people more likely to give their love to strangers have a bigger following in their social circles. It didn’t happen over night of course, but the consistent reassurance, compliments and communication had been extremely reinforcing. More and more people look up to them, and even share how their words made them feel to other people that are important in their lives, effectively reinforcing the network if the original person. 

All free. At no cost to the giver but absolutely priceless to the receiver. 

[3s0t3ric]

Life is so hard

It’s easy to become overwhelmed by the events around you. On top of personal development, overcoming financial hurdles, providing care for loved ones, communicating needs and checking on others. Life is hard. 

With this, it can be easy to let this overcome you. You get knocked down so many times, why still attempt to stand? What’s the use? Wasted energy? 

I challenge you today to think outside of this. Instead of weighing your pros and cons with the net emotional output, i challenge you to instead think of the pros within the cons. So what the worst thing happens? 

What would you gain from adversity? 

I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine discussing the best advice we’ve ever gotten. Most notably his was “but what if it wasn’t” 

My favorite sayings are short, but this quote exceptionally so. 

He went on to say he was discussing the trials and tribulations of life, one of those “straw that broke the camel’s back” moments. “It’s just so hard”, and she went on to ask about the possibility of learning something in this adversity, and challenged him to work through it anyways. 

“But what if it wasn’t” 

What a novel idea. What if you woke up tomorrow and meal prepped the way you’ve been idealizing. What if today was the day you finally made that doctors appointment. What if today was the day you looked into that program you’ve been meaning to look into. 

It could all be so easy. Where motivation lacks, discipline replenishes. What if you woke up and started living your dream life. What if you woke up and left the people who do not appreciate your eccentricies. You know you deserve better. You know you deserve a chance, today and every day, what if today was the day you decided to listen to your needs. 

The need to ignore that little voice in your head telling you where to go and what to do is inherently taught, most often at a young age. Why would somebody silence the voice of a child out of their own convenience? Although primarily just that, convenience, it may also be a way to assert dominance , or even further manipulation over a particularly vulnerable population.  

It is always within you human rights to communicate your needs, regardless of the convenience to others. 

True love withstands the hurdles of convenience, and if this is truly troubling to those who surround you, i suggest communicating who you have such needs. However to communicate such things, you must know why you have these needs yourself. 

Why do you need the accommodations you do? What intrinsic, perhaps unwritten rule are you abiding by, and why is this so engrained in you? 

Take some time to evaluate what makes life worth it. What is the reason your feet hit the ground running in the morning? Who is the first person you think of when you see fresh cut flowers? Who is your safe person to share a story with when you are so embarrassed you can’t stand it? All of these people have roles in your life, and attributes they possess that make them worthy of handling you in each space.

With the right support system and grit, all dreams are achievable. Life is hard, and life is SO HARD, but the only person who can make these decisions are you. You are the only one who has spent 100% of your time with you. You are the only person who will be held accountable if your actions if you end up going down the wrong path, but you are also the only person who will be applauded for your achievements, and awarded for making it out of the events you have. 

Take a second to reward yourself with your own dedication. You are worth that nutritious meal, that raise, that move across the world. 

Life is tough, but what if it wasn’t. 

[3s0t3ric]

Does it make sense to feel

Sitting with multiple people in my life i have gotten the same question in a number of different contexts.

“In your opinion, is it okay to feel…”

“Does it make sense to feel”

“Is it OKAY TO FEEL” and so on

Reflecting on this, i too have asked if i was “allowed to feel”, but what does that really mean? And specifically, why would somebody feel as if they could/should ask me this? Upon inquiring, many have said that they value my opinion, and would like to see the world from my perspective. This deepens my curiosity on the communal perspective of me.

To me this almost emotionally models that of a guide dog to a person who is visually impaired. Asking for my assistance to navigate a situation given a particularly difficult terrain.

My answer is almost always the same.

Your feelings are always valid.

Too often we try to make sense of our feelings in a logical capacity. It may be difficult to do (even causing frustration at times) to rationalize feelings. Do not pathologize yourself. It is okay to feel how you do, because all feelings are valid.

To look to someone else to validate your feelings shows that you have often looked to others for acceptance, or even permission to feel how you feel. No one can feel your feelings but you, so it is important to understand the capacity at which you feel things, and how to navigate life after you have felt such a feeling.

I like to think of this as an emotional thermometer. Without thermometers, you’d know it was hot, but you wouldn’t necessarily be able to communicate how hot it was to somebody else, or even to yourself. When feeling something, take a moment to check your emotional thermometer. After meeting people. Going places. Hobbies. Ask yourself if you plan on engaging in such things again, and if you feel better, the same or worse after being in such a scenario. I like to think of it like a stoplight, red, yellow or green feelings to simplify.

The need to look towards another when deciding if your feelings are ultimately valid shows that you have been otherwise told or treated like your feelings are invalid. When could this have been? And was this a successful situation for yourself? If not, why would you repeat this? Why do you choose the people you do to validate your feelings?

Be gentle with yourself. You are allowed to feel what you feel.