3mbeddedmarsdreams

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

Mines dark elf, bow and dual wielding swords

Reblog with yours~

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ✿✼:*ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑ [source: milo_the_toller on instagram]

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

IT'S TOMORROW

IT'S TOMORROW

ITS TOMORROW

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

September 9th, 2020

Today I saw a lighter. I grabbed it and lit it. It reminded me of smoking pot. Like a long lost love, I missed it. I got a little sad. Then I got happy because I'm doing so well in my recovery. 🥰

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

Sun, May 31, 2020

They call it Bell's Palsy. Half of my face is paralyzed. I eventually will be crying because I miss my smile and I have no idea how long this will last.

Black lives matter, but setting cars on fire and spray patting businesses seem too criminal.

America finally launched two men from Earth on an American rocket to the ISS. We as humanity are getting closer to the stars.

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

04/21/20

Tore between today and yesterday

The mistakes I've made clouding my vision

How could I have been so cold

but it was because of the voices

Mommy I love you and I'm sorry

The voices were so loud

didn't mean for you to worry

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

Break

Did I break your heart

I didn't see it there

Am I so selfish

Without any care

But I got these demons and they won't leave me alone

But I got these feelings and I turn my heart into stone

You think you know me

You think you know me so well

Are you disappointed or am I sofar gone you can't possibly help

Did I break your heart

I didn't see it there

Am I so selfish

Without any care

But I got these sad expectations what possibly could go wrong

But I got these happy confidences let's hope it lasts long

I think you know me

I think you know me so well

You're disappointed and I'm gone without your help

Did I break your heart

I didn't see it there

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

04/18/20

Well I feel inspired today. Thinking about YouTube for me. What kind of content I want to release. It comes back to singing covers and my own music. Just for fun. I want to write poetry. I can have fun with the different types.

I have so much time to think about what I want out of life. What I realistically need to do to get there.

I finished Resident Evil 3, and now began FF VII remake. So far really cool game.

I've been sleeping alot but I'm not depressed, just bored. Hopefully this deep thinking has me busier in the days to come. ;)

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

04/08/2020

So I've ignored journaling long enough. I had a fun time finishing Zelda's Majora Mask playthrough. Great time for me to catch up on games and shows.

Edgar finally spoke to me about creating my packet and sending it. I just need one thing, I believe it's a tb test ... Which I swear I did but it's all most been a year so. I'm hoping I'll have a place ready to transfer to by the time the quarantine is lifted. Then I can start that 6-9month journey till I'm at a boarding care and able to work with fsp and job.

I'm like banging my head. Ground hog day everyday. Same routine schedule. The food here makes me lose my mind. When am I ready to commit to a diet. I know exactly how to lose weight but it's something about being here that demands the comfort of food. Just one more chocolate bar. One more cheatday... Just one...

Online friendships are blooming. Loving all the cat/kitten pictures and videos on my Instagram. Listening to music on YouTube to save money. Plus the #grimesartkit was a cool idea. Waiting for her baby. Got into making the cut and RuPaul's drag race on Amazon.

I did some coloring. I read a little from Drums of Autumn. I keep having dreams with James Fraser... It's been too long I need to get laid.

I keep wondering how work life will be. If I need to save up for a car or just be an Uber/public transportation nerd. I just forsee any job promotion will require me to drive but then again this is Los Angeles, not NYC but still a city worthy of cab/transit life.

I can't stop imagining my life free.

I still worry my mom is going to drop dead. I have no passport. I'm locked up. Nothing I can do. That is just the pessimist in me.

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

04/02/2020

Finished watching Amnesia, Doom Eternal, Half Life Alyx, some Animal Crossing, Subnautica and Legend of Zelda Majora's Mask.

My life is pretty boring. So far no voices and I feel more and more ready for work.

Looking in the mirror... I gained 60lbs and it's simply that easy in here to. My rehab specialist is giving me a gentle push to get more involved in my exercise groups while I miss reading and am thinking of how I'm going to stop sleeping through the day. Even that gets old.

My discharge is still on pause.

It's the same thing every day. It's literally ground hogs day in here...

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

3/28/20

Getting used to living at La Casa with no end in sight. Starting a diet competition with a friend. Definitely more fun than doing it on my own. It's like I can only eat once a day because so many calories per meal. I finished watching Doom Eternal which was a great game.  Very fun. Now I'm on Reddit cruzing threads. Watching my fellow 30 year old YouTubers makes me very happy. I feel stress free. Since I'm bad at video games I'm enjoying watching other people play them. I like the story line, like a movie but more fun! 

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

3/18/20

So I've taken some time off from journaling. Still asking the same questions everyday…

Am I hearing voices: no

Am I feeling motivated: somewhat

Am I particularly irritable: somewhat

Let me tell you. My day consistently has the same thing. Vitals.Breakfast.medications.group.group.lunch.vitals.dinner.group.medication.snack

I'm watching PewDiePie, Markiplier, jacksepticeye and Ben Shapiro.

My discharge is on pause until they're given the okay. No place is accepting new clients or discharging clients.

I remember the moment I was outside on solo pass and thought: "why are we still aloud to go on solo pass" welp turns out two days later that was shut down.

I meet with my rehab specialist and I'll see how it goes. I don't want to go to groups, and technically it's the perfect time to prefer and practice "social distancing."

I'm not depressed, just overall not feeling like participation is worth it. Still daydreaming of when I get a shit job while I watch FightClub and be proud of myself for being a minimalist.

I think it's so important to detach oneself from physical things. One needs to learn how to be happy with absolutely nothing.

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

3/13/20

So I'm over journal prompts questions for now and will just write about my day instead. I'm continuing to have good conversations on Snapchat. Watching TrueBlood and being cozy in bed. No voices or anything like before La Casa. Still day dreaming of a normal life where I work and pay rent and cook for myself and live in bliss of the ordinary.

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

3/9/20

You’ve just met a stranger at a place you frequent. He/she tells you a bit about his/her life. Are you listening intently? Or are you waiting for an opening to talk about yourself? Neither answer is incorrect.

I'm listening intently and asking questions. I don't really like talking about myself anymore

Today is David's last day so I took him out. We went to Shell and got some energy drinks, him a bag of chips, me Reese ice cream. Then to the Donut shop where we had some donuts. Then I got some clothes at the 99 cent store and got him one shirt. It was nice. I'll miss him. He was kinda like a boy friend to me while at la Casa.

No voices.

[3mbeddedmarsdreams]

I'm tired of the journal prompts. Today was good. No voices. Watching True Blood. Listened to Linkin Park. Chatting up Pluto. Missed my mom alot today. Thinking about when I can get back to work.