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[3d-wavelenth-of-celestial-intent]

a life like mine

I love how people ask "what happened" when you aren't good. Sometimes things do happen to lead to it, but not with depression. Nothing has to happen for you to lose it. I mean, it's never even a change of state, sometimes you just get the urge to mention it, and it's not like it ever goes away. Most of the time you just say something that's been bothering you because people won't take nothing as an answer. Something has to be making you feel that way, apparently. And it's constant. If it was like a couple hours a day, whatever, but from the time you wake up untill you go to sleep you feel emotionless and exhausted and just want to sleep again. And sometimes you think "this is only going to last this long" to get you through the day and then it exceeds that limit and gets worse and worse and you’d do anything to fix it and literally nothing changes. Something you once were able to convince yourself you were in control of begins to consume you. You’re constantly between giving up completely and just seeing how much you can take because everything you do doesn't seem to work or help at all. Now you can't even do to things you used to like. You don't have the patience to do anything so you just sit around doing nothing which makes you feel worse. Empty minded staring at the wall blankly, that is only if you can't sleep it off, and waiting for tomorrow to come. And then every day is the same, because the tomorrow you're hoping for never comes. There are things you say that will make it better, that if only you had this one thing maybe life wouldn't be that way, but everything you love gets consumed by it. Nothing is immune. And things you try to keep from it get ruined too, like your relationships with others. Fucking relationships. It seems like the more you love something the more it has to ruin it for you.

It makes you feel like you don't even know how to be a person, or feel fit to be around others and like you're better off alone or you deserve to be alone or you'd fuck everyone else up, hurt people that don't deserve it. Then you end up hurting yourself more in the process but you can't find it in yourself to care. How could you ask someone else to care when you know they can't really do anything? Maybe they can help, but they cannot take it away. The fact that you know there are so many things you can do to help yourself, but you don’t. The scariness that the things they say will help, that they say to try, couldn't even help you. Eventually you just isolate yourself from mostly everyone and it spirals down even more when you thought you'd already hit rock bottom. The isolation makes you so unknown to anyone else, people who think they know you, to the point where you feel like everything is a delusion. You don't really know who you even are, and not a clue of how people perceive. You you want to scream that they have no idea who you are, but if they asked you to show yourself to them, you'd have nothing to show. That's another scary part, to fall apart so much that you aren't even the same person or a person at all because it's taking over you. There's a constant thought that lurks in the back of your head, and it is that you can't stop looking at yourself and how you are a faded version of everything you used to be, if you're anything at all. Once you asked someone, out of genuine curiosity because reality is so hard to comprehend, if they've noticed a change in you. They told you it felt like the color and light that was once behinds your eyes went out. You're scared that you'll never be back to the way you once were. You don't know how to even get there or to at least a more alive version because it's likely you'll never be like that again. And how can you make a memory ever again when all you can think about is everything you used to be? How can anything compare and if the rest of your life is going to be like this, feeling this way, nothing the way it was then what's the point?

Just one reason. One reason to make tomorrow something you want would be enough. Even if you do get better.. will you ever not live in fear that your own head can take it all away from you again? Because like this time you never thought it'd get this bad, but it did. It's like this hole that gets deeper and deeper and even if you get out, it is still there and you could always fall back in. You don't know the last time you didn't feel completely alone or the last time you didn't have a fake smile on your face. The last time you told the truth or the last time you were actually taking care of yourself. The last time you felt like someone actually loved you or, rather, being able to actually receive the feeling of love. The last time you were able to feel that way about other people as well. Sometimes the thought of someone being unable to love you, even though it's out of their control because they suffer with feeling can make you so mad at them. But how can you be mad at them for something that you do yourself? How can you feel so selfish and greedy but also like you give your everything to others at the same time? When others expect the same from you sometimes it's just too much to handle because you just can't, but it's unfair to want the same thing from them. It's easier to give nothing and get nothing and easier to do nothing at all. Easier to be nothing at all and to care about nothing. Caring takes energy, caring takes the risk of disappointment and you cannot risk becoming more disappointing. And you do not have enough energy to care and people try to help you, tell you what you can do and it'll work if you try hard enough, but effort also takes energy. Something you don't have. It's hard to tell people, because then they say to do this, but you know you won't, so you say ok. And then life stays the same and you know it's going to stay the same, how could it not. It's been like this for so long already and what could one person do to change that. Nothing. And that is the problem.

[3d-wavelenth-of-celestial-intent]

For all of you in IB

CAS Experience Post Format

**feel free to use this format as you like**

Event Title

Date

CAS Element: (Creativity, Action, or Service)

Hours: 

Content and Reflection

Content, what happens, and reflection. Some good questions to consider and answer:

How did you feel afterward?

Did it change you as a person?

Do you feel enlightened?

Does it change your perspective? (If you master your BS skills with this question, it would make for a killer reflection)

What motivated you to try this activity in the first place and if so, are you going to try similar activities in the future?

Did you make friends?

Are you a more social person now?

Did you work alone or with a team? Are you more independent or dependent on your fellow members?

CAS Learning Outcomes

1. Increased their awareness of their own strengths and areas for growth They are able to see themselves as individuals with various skills and abilities, some more developed than others, and understand that they can make choices about how they wish to move forward. 

2. Undertaken new challenges A new challenge may be an unfamiliar activity or an extension to an existing one. 

3. Planned and initiated activities Planning and initiation will often be in collaboration with others. It can be shown in activities that are part of larger projects, for example, ongoing school activities in the local community, as well as in small student‑led activities. 

4. Worked collaboratively with others Collaboration can be shown in many different activities, such as team sports, playing music in a band, or helping in a kindergarten. At least one project, involving collaboration and the integration of at least two of creativity, action, and service, is required. 

5. Shown perseverance and commitment in their activities At a minimum, this implies attending regularly and accepting a share of the responsibility for dealing with problems that arise in the course of activities. 

6. Engaged with issues of global importance Students may be involved in international projects but there are many global issues that can be acted upon locally or nationally (for example, environmental concerns, caring for the elderly). 

7. Considered the ethical implications of their actions Ethical decisions arise in almost any CAS activity (for example, on the sports field, in musical composition, in relationships with others involved in service activities).

8. Developed new skills As with new challenges, new skills may be shown in activities that the student has not previously undertaken, or in increased expertise in an established area. 

Hours

Total: 

Creativity: 

Action: 

Service:

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