333okaythen

[333okaythen]

I’m going to start with my parents in hopes I come across something relevant to me, I have a sneaking suspicion that my issue with my life are my parents. I feel like they force me to be grateful for things I am note grateful at all.

My parents are co-dependent and very passionate. My mom is an airhead whom I always suspect is actually very smart but then she opens her mouth and sounds like a bimbo every freaking time. She talks too loud in attempt to be heard, I assume she’s noticed people sometimes to pay so much attention to what she says because what she says holds absolutely no weight. She talks out of her ass and is always 1000% certain about stuff she had no idea about. It drives me crazy.

She has had the tendency to stay with my dad for over 25 years even though I have been witness to countless fights about the same exact thing every time. She has said 100 times she’s had enough but hours later she’s all over my dad like a fucking idiot. I don’t understand it one bit. She got with my dad when she was an 18 year old virgin. Apparently my dad was her first and a few short years later while in an unsure relationship with my father she had me. And that already was by miracle because they told me there was a moment when they thought of getting an abortion.

I wish I could say my mother was very nurturing and a great shoulder to cry on but sadly that isn’t the truth. I sometimes think she’s bipolar. One second she is obsessed with me and the next she’s telling me what a horrible person I am. She constantly fights me on my attitude which I do believe stems from how I was raised.

When I was in college I had to talk to her multiple times a day. I felt bad, but it always bothered me. Why I couldn’t I have the liberty of just enjoying my time along, not having to answer to anyone? Instead I dealt with anxiety over when were the appropriate times to call her so she wouldn’t call me back while I was trying to lead my own life. With how much I had to call her I still never felt like I could talk to her. Every time she would ask me a question I would begin my speech and seconds later she was talking about something else or to someone else. I think from her is where I developed my insistent need to let people speak and my absolute anger when I come across other people who feel like their the only ones with a microphone. You what what I mean? Those people who don’t give a single fuck about what anyone is saying, they just talk over people like the other person never said anything at all. It infuriates me.

My mom never asked me if I had sex or anything related to guys. She had found out I lost my virginity when she went with me to the gyno and the gyno asked me about my sexual activity. She made a face and left the room so that ,e and the doctor could have some privacy. She really didn’t even bother asking me afterwards. Not a single question.

I feel like I have to hate her s little bit because wanting to embrace her or give her a kiss or say I love you doesn’t come to me so much. Not with her and certainly not with my father. I love her the most after she gets into fights with my dad because I feel bad for her and I don’t like seeing her sad or crying. But I hate when she obsessed over my life over my finances over what I wear what I eat. It’s too much. I. cant deal with someone constantly looking over my shoulder and commenting. It’s frustrating.

If something happened to her I’m almost certain I would be sad but I feel like I’m better off appreciating her from a distance. I can’t deal with needy people in my life. She’s needy, and she’s gotten lazier with age. She loves to make comments at me about doing dishes or pacing up stuff around the house but I dint know why because ever since I ,over back from college all I’ve tried to do is not leave a trace of me. I constantly pick up after myself and try to make sure I’m not in anyone’s way and still, I feel like I’m not wanted here. I feel like I’m stuck in a corner.

Maybe if I let myself be comfortable around here I could get rid of those thoughts but I imagine other problems would arise.

My main feelings for her are annoyance. She’s an annoying person I wish there was another part to her that I could have that motherly part of her where she listens and actually cares about me. At this point I feel like she forces herself to care just because I’m her daughter.

[333okaythen]

I had to start writing immediately because I started getting so caught up in how I was going to properly decorate everything that I felt myself just wanting to write less and less.

This is an issue because I feel like I feel things so strongly that I just need to write it all down because if not they go away and then I’m left just feeling irritable and tired.

I guess if there’s any professionals on tumblr and they come across this, they can try and figure out what my issue is. But I’m going to go ahead and and put my life story on here and say whatever the hell I want because I feel like there’s not one person on this planet that knows me completely.

There only so much I’m able to say. But if anything comes about all this ranting I hope you find something out of it. Stick around, either for this journey to finding myself and finally being happy or to just growing into an old bitter scrounge.