2worlds1broken

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💔💔💔💔

Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I’m Home

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Im aware of it all unfortunately

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— Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

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SFX!!! FAKE BLOOD!!! SO FAKE!!!! DON’T WORRY IT’S SFX SIS!!!! JUST FAKE TRANNY BLOOD!!! 🏳️‍⚧️

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Surrounded by knives that want to play

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numb.

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WHHHHYyyyyyYYYWHHHHYyyyyyYYY  WHHHHYyyyyyYYYWHHHHYyyyyyYYY  WHHHHYyyyyyYYYWHHHHYyyyyyYYY

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Same 😔

actually okay. i need to say this. writing the longform posts about whoever is actually so difficult for me. i can't remember everything anymore, first off. i genuinely think i subconsciously have the coping mechanism of blocking memories out for trauma-related reasons, but i'm always afraid when i'm writing those posts. i'm afraid they're somehow going to find it and know i'm writing a post about them and then take it personally like i was trying to attack them and come @ me. i'm afraid i can't get the details right and therefore would be painting a picture differently than what really happened. and honestly, i'm afraid it won't help.

and it doesn't. a lot of the time, it doesn't. i write the post in the hope that i can move on, but it doesn't help. and it breaks me down every single time when i come to the conclusion that i'm pretty much incapable of moving on. and it's more than just that, to be honest. no one understands me. no one understands that i can't help any of this. that no matter how hard i yell and scream at myself and go to endless therapy sessions and whatever magic people think will make things be different this time around doesn't work. and it leads people to cut me off because they think i'm purposely being manipulative. or stuck in the past. or being physically fucking incapable of moving on when all i want in the world is to be able to. it makes me wish i wouldn't wake up every time i realize they're still in my head. or that i'm wishing for an answer i probably can't even handle. or any number of things all the time. literally it's not enjoyable. it's not something i wished to happen. it's not on purpose, intentional, whatever the fuck i've been told i've done over and over in the past.

half the time when i blow up a friendship, i don't even realize i've done anything wrong UNTIL the damage is done; until there's nothing i can do to fix it. yeah, there have been intentional times because a few times i have been more than aware of what i was doing. but even then, i can't stop myself. it's like. once i'm on the path, i can't get off until it ends. even if the end of it is a bridge burning to ashes. i don't want to hurt people. i don't want to make my closest friends hate me or be incapable themselves of dealing with me. but it's also not fair that i can't be friends with a single person who actually understands my side. it's not an excuse at all, but i never get the chance to fix it. i am ridiculously self-destructive but i barely understand what sets me off or what goes on in my head. and that's just not enough for people. because to everyone i've ever met or been friends with with VERY FEW EXCEPTIONS, once the bpd rears its ugly fucking head, it's me being abusive on purpose. or manipulative. or gaslighting them, or lovebombing them, or whatever bullshit i've been told over and over.

it makes me want to die because i feel completely unable to be better. i feel like i am just that bad of a person and the only way for me to stop hurting people is to outright take myself out of the equation, permanently. like. i am so fucking sorry all the time if i hurt you. if i do anything to make you angry at me or unable to stand me. i swear to god i am. but please listen to me and let me calm down. help me instead of cutting me off. please. someone just fucking stay and listen and try to understand what's going through my head in that moment. please for the love of god. i just want to be fucking heard. it just feels like everyone is perfect and i'm just destined to be an abuser. even though i've tried so hard to AVOID ever being attached to that label. i'm just sorry. i'm sorry i wasn't easy to deal with. i'm sorry i got set off and it sent me spiraling. i'm sorry.

i just fucking want someone to listen to me instead of dismissing me and never speaking to me again. why is that such an impossible thing to ask for???

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My Bloody Valentine (1981)

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TEENAGE SATANISTS IN OKLAHOMA

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🖤

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The Seventh Seal (1957)