2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

damian: well I’m the blood son

tim: bruce chose us, you were thrust onto him by no choice

jason: to be fair he didn’t pick tim either

dick: he picked me under weird circumstances, I honestly think Jay is the only one he actually chose, like one of those strays at the shelter

jason: I’m going to fucking kick your ass

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

Bruce: So, the CEO of United Healthcare was shot and killed

Jason: What? Why's everyone looking at me?

Bruce: Did you do it?

Jason: WHAT? Do you really think I would do something like that?

Dick: Yes

Tim: Yes

Damian: Yes

Steph: Yes

Cass: Yess

Jason: ....without telling everyone? If that was me I would be shouting it from the rooftops.

Bruce: Just tell me if you killed the CEO or not

Jason: Bitch I'll kill a CEO right now if you don't start acting right.

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

The UGLIEST

WITH TINSEL

AND POM-POMS

Pov: You're a Gotham criminal in December

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

The daily planet runs a front page article calling superman the light of mankind

Cue the batfam launching a counter campaign in support of Signal,  the real Light of Mankind.

It starts as a joke but quickly derails into an all out war.

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

(This is all a joke)

I love the Dick is pushing thirty and all the Batkids tease him about it and he’s dramatic. But what’s infinitely funnier is in the Robin story (the one illustrated by piccolo) Dick looks young enough to go undercover as a student in highschool.

Which means that Dick with a little bit of effort can pass for 17-19

Which means Jason ‘drawn like a 40 year old whose doing 20 to life in prison built like a brick shithouse’ Todd

Definitely looks older at 23 than Dick does at 27

And so the boys get their licks in and Dick does his howls moving castle let me lie on a bed dramatically like an 18th century women fainting

Calls Kori like ‘babe be honest am I too old for you, do I need Botox? HAVE YOU SEEN A GRAY HAIR PLEASE’ on speaker in front of the Batkids because honestly it’s a funny joke.

And then they go to a bar

And Dick gets ID checked

At 27

He’s been a hero for 19 years

He just got fucking ID checked at the bar

And then when they get into the bar

Jason gets called sir

And he gets called Dude

Because he looks barley legal apparently

And that’s even fucking worse

How is it everyone can laugh at him for being old and HE DOESNT EVEN GET OLD MAN PERKS.

HE HAS OLD MAN BONES, THEY SOUND LIKE HE NEEDS WD-40 (what do you mean that because of the 23 years of intense acrobatics and the 19 years of punching People, and carpel tunnel inducing precision shut up)

And Jason finds it even funnier until dick desperately asks how old the barkeep thinks he is and the dude goes like “idk 21? Barely”

And Jay laughs until the dude went “yeah I mean you look like a kid whose uncle is taking him here for his first drink”

And Jason cuts the laugh mid HA and goes “excuse me?”

Anyway now Dick if finding it funny again

It stops being funny all together when he’s the only one to get ID’d on Tims 21st birthday

Because Tim is 4’0 (it’s only a 3 INCH HEIGHT DIFFERENCE dICK)

And has baby fat on his cheeks at 21 and he can still pitch his voice into an androgynous or fem voice.

(Tim paid the bar keep to do this, he’s stirring shit)

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

We all know the batfam holds batburger in high regard, but what if the location in Crime Alley is their favorite?

The coffee is stronger, the burgers greasier, and they give Robin an extra veggie patty “cuz he’s a growing boy.”

Jason lets them go there specifically without permission, anything else in the Narrows is his business.

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

We don't get enough Cass + Damian, do you know the potential every big sister and youngest brother has? I think Cass would 100% have more passes than Dick, like Damian lets Cass hug him 2.34 seconds more than Dick. In return Cass lets Damian prep her ballet shoes whenever she gets a new one. Damian practices drawing poses and anatomy by watching Cass dance and pose. Maybe she'll even teach him some ballet to show how muscles (limbs? body. im no artist) shift and twist for reference and anatomy lessons. I'm gonna shut up now (no i won't)

Anon doesn't have siblings

Cass and Damian: *arguing*

Damian: You're adopted!

Cass: You were dropped like an Amazon package!

———————

Cass: Damian, the Puppy Bowl is on.

Damian: Pause it. I'm not done making snacks.

Cass: No <3.

———————

Cass: *ruffles Damian's hair*

Damian: *bites her*

Cass: *bites back*

———————

Damian: Imagine beefing with someone half your age.

Cass: Imagine being Gen Alpha.

———————

[on a stakeout]

Damian: Are you asleep?

Cass: No. You?

Damian: What do you think?

———————

Cass: *locks the bathroom door*

Damian: *immediately starts knocking*

Damian: Hurry up.

———————

Cass: I love you, little brother.

Damian: What did you break and how much do I have to pay to fix it before Father sees?

———————

Cass: *dancing*

Damian: *sketching*

Cass: Is that me?

Damian: Yes.

Cass: Can I see?

Damian: *reveals a picture of Shrek*

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

everytime tim pisses off jason jason's like "first you steal my fucking job, now this?!" and tim goes "i didn't STEAL robin, you were DEAD and the position needed to be FILLED." and then jason says "but when i stopped being dead you didn't give it BACK. when an office worker gets a replacement so they can go on maternity leave the replacement is supposed to FUCK OFF once the maternity leave ENDS." and tim argues "YOU WEREN'T ON FUCKING MATERNITY LEAVE JASON" and jason screams back equally loud "WELL I DISAPPEARED FOR AROUND NINE MONTHS AND THEN SHOWED BACK UP WITH DAMIAN WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!" and then tim leaping strikes him off a 6 story building

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

Dick, in Jason's window: I thought we'd find you here!

Tim, climbing past Dick: WE COULD HAVE USED THE DOOR-

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

Another chapter of my "The Waynes on Twitter" work on AO3

Masterlist of Tweets

48 - The Bats are doing fine, why do you ask?

<- Previous

Taglist: @gin2212 @wizardofstories @kassette-tape @she-went-that-way @terrylicious

@kazenotsuyo1 @salz-mit-wasser @sk3tchyracc00n @ejlyt @sonotashipper

@im-a-bitch-1 @arcasisautistic @animecon-gone-wrong @diktynnar @deniedmysign

@emilystarmix @aurorasleepsin @thereallyreallylatebird @peachykeenlemonbean @kades-stuff

@cosmic-marauder @anxious-chaos-art @kyrianclawraith @girl-of-the-sea-and-stars @queen-of-hearts-lemon-tarts

@addendumbeekeeper @littlecellist @sandwman @akintoabitch @idk-tbh-im-just-here

@whydoyoucare866 @arkred @cardinalcheerio @christaspirit @singitoutgirl26

@cryptidnamedhabit @rabidnationalist @yeetus-feetus @graveltotempomp3 @justabilingualchileangirl

@shadow-academic @zeldathehero @disasterbiwerewolf @starmansirius @valiantsuitcaseskellington

@okami-love @glitter-stained @seriouscat @formulaonebuff @mirigold-mayflowers

@gay-ass-bitch @honestfloorghost @lyninabin @dia-bo-li-ka @smellofsnoww

@notsomadscientist @amandayetagain @lecomtedesaintgermain @maxi-ride @adhd-coffee-lover

@emptybeb @thejarcollector @whats-sleep1 @sheep-from-rad @sirenbitch69

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

Dick 9 times out of 10 failing to hide a severe injury from the rest of the batfam because without fail when he’s tired or drugged or generally not firing on all cylinders his native accent comes out as thick as the day he met Bruce.

- - -

Bruce: Dick come down for a check up I saw you take that hit for Tim.

Dick, halfway towards the cave exit and still going, in the quietest voice possible: im fine

Bruce: Say squirrel and you can leave.

Dick:

Bruce:

Jason:

Tim:

Damien:

Dick: …skweeerrehl.

Jason: Get him boys.

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

Bruce, bursting in the room: What are you guys even doing?! Jason, swinging on string lights: we're getting into the FUCKING Christmas spirit!

Damian, sharpening a candy cane: They will feel our WRAITH.

Jon, who got dragged into this and is honestly just happy to be here: yeah!

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

don't ask what he's gonna doing with that scalpel

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

I am a WHORE for “the love is requited, they’re both just idiots”

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

Bruce showing his kids affection, aka, gift-giving

Tim, who finally got a spleen transplant after Bruce had begged him a million times, returning home from the hospital: Hey Bruce

Bruce, extending papers towards him: Welcome back. These are for you, sign here

Tim: Aren't these are Wayne Enterprises papers

Bruce: Yeah it's your company now :)

Tim: What do mean it's my Company now?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

16-year-old Dick, returning home after winning his mathlete championship: What're the papers for, Bruce?

Bruce: It's your new mansion's paperwork

Dick: What?

Bruce: On your new private island :)

Dick: WHAT?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason, running into Bruce on patrol: Sup

Bruce, with a man in tow: Thank god I ran into you, Jason

Jason, eyeing the guy beside Bruce: Who's that?

Bruce: You couldn't get to family dinner last time because your bike was broken so

Jason: So you got me a guy?

Bruce: He's the new pilot for your new helicopter :)

Jason: My fucking WHAT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cass, day after she defeated Bruce in training for the first time: Bruce, where's my suit?

Bruce: Oh I gave it away to charity.

Cass: What? Why?

Bruce: I'm getting you a new suit made with triple weave Kevlar and titanium dipped resin lined with memory foam

Cass: Expensive?

Bruce: Just $1,058,600 :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian, in his initial days as Robin, who hadn't killed anyone in an entire month: Good morning, Father, what are you doing?

Bruce, choosing a colour scheme for the new zoo he's about to make for Damian: It's a surprise:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Duke, listening to music: Man i wish someone would buy me Spotify premium so I can listen without all these ads

Bruce, handing him the deeds of Spotify the next day: :)

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

@damianbugs LMAO

[2d-beefcakes-my-beloveds]

I have this idea/theory that like when Bruce was just starting out, early twenties, “im going to make a difference!” batman, he was like known, somewhat, by at least most of the crinimals, oh some dude dressed as a bat beat up larry the other day? Hm. skill issue. Type of thing..

And then one night, theres a goon on patrol for some little operation. A more… violent goon lets say. And Bruce lands in front of him, cape billowing, white eyes narrowed, and the goon is like “shiii he does look pretty cool. Fuck ‘im tho.” and he does what any other goon would do, he pulls out his gun and fires. Once. Twice. Three times. 

He sees the bullets make contact. Watches as they hit the suit. Go through it. Because this is still prototype four or five, its not fully kevlar, atp its still basically just cloth with some armor in certain places. 

The goon can see blood circles forming where the bullets hit. Blood drips to the floor. But Bruce? Bruce keeps on walking towards him, not a limp or waver in his step. Because its Gotham. Because if he wasn't willing and prepared to get shot at he should've picked a different city. 

And thats when The Bat becomes infamous. Because what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck he just keeps coming- i shot him three times-!

And years later, when Dick is on clean up duty as punishment for some elaborate stunt he pulled, organizing old files and plugging them into the batcomputer, he finds the file. And holy shit. Thats- actually kinda cool…