2017worththetell

[2017worththetell]

I’m drunk and I wanted to text you. I wanted to tell you I miss you and most importantly, I love you. Well, I loved you. I don’t think I do anymore. I’m happy now without you. Especially after our last fight. I think we are truly done with each other for the last time. I hope you are well.

Was it my fault? All I did was tell you how I felt.

I think you are a narcissist. Please get some help.

I think I am also messed up. While I’d like to blame it on you, I think it is just how I am. I am eternally fucked. I think there is something wrong with me. I’m sorry. But you’re also fucked up so that makes me feel better.

Either way, even if I did text you, I would just be embarrassing myself. Because I know that you are done with me and I know I am done with you. So I’m done. I won’t text you. Instead, I’ll just post about you on tumblr. Because I know you won’t read it.

I want to say I’m sorry, but what for? What am I sorry for? I didn’t do anything wrong except for get involved with you. I led you to believe it was okay to get in between my marriage and that is my fault. But you also should have known better.

Why would a married woman want anything to do with you? Sorry, but you’re not really the most attractive guy and, again, I’m pretty sure you’re a narcissist.

I just don’t understand why I would try to ruin my marriage over you.

And WHY do I miss you? There was nothing good about you. At least to me. Yeah. You were funny and affectionate when you wanted to be, but you weren’t kind. You weren’t a good person. I don’t miss you, really, and I need to remind myself it that.

Goodbye, Ryan. Best wishes. Jk. Fuck you🖕🏽

[2017worththetell]

No matter how hard I try, part of you lingers. I just can’t shake you. But I’m ready to leave you behind. I’m ready to stop thinking about you in general. I’m trying to let you go. Please be gone from my thoughts. Please let me live my life. I want to let you go. I want nothing more. At this point, I am on my knees and begging.

[2017worththetell]

Dear Ryan Baker,

Mr. Hyde here. I’m writing this for myself. Not for you. I couldn’t give a damn if you ever read this or not. Truthfully, you can choke. Fuck you, your fake ass friendship, and your half assed apology. My life fell apart and i almost lost everything, and you didn’t. I live with the trauma of what happened and you get to go on with your life.. It really was just a game to you. Did you have fun? Was it worth it? Did you ever even stop to think how it would affect me? We were not on the same page and i hate that you assumed we were. I developed actual feelings for you. Which is funny considering how horribly you treated me. If we are both being honest, you weren’t even my friend. Almost everything we talked about was about you. You didn’t know a single thing about me. You still don’t. It sucks because i spent every day trying to be the friend you needed. I was already depressed and emotionally drained as it was, but i spent the remainder of my energy on you. I bought you your favorite drinks, snacks, made sure you knew you were loved and made sure you were doing okay mentally and physically. I just wish you would’ve cared about me the way I cared for you. It’s my fault, though, for expecting a narcissist to care about someone other than themselves. Do you ever think about anybody but yourself? No, you don’t. You don’t understand how hard it was to love you, yet it was also so easy at the same time. You’re so self centered and careless, Ryan. You saw I was vulnerable and took advantage of it. You knew my marriage was not in a good place. I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt and think you didn’t do it on purpose… but at your big age, I know you knew exactly what you were doing. You played me so well and you know it. I bet that was quite the ego boost. And the fact that you made a comment on my mental health was so unnecessary and hurtful. You knew exactly where to strike to hurt my feelings.. I never even insulted you, I simply stated facts. It’s a fact that you treated me horribly. It’s a fact you met with your fuck buddy after I tried to kill myself. It’s a fact you weren’t there for me. It’s all facts. You’re just mad because I’m calling you out on shit that’s true. And best of all, You’re mad at me because I’m still not over something that happened 1 year ago and was very traumatizing to me. maybe Someday I will be over it but for now i hate you for all of it…. Even if I do hurt your feelings, i really don’t care. You hurt me first. Go fuck yourself.

I hate how you made me feel. The good and the bad.

But… i do love some things. I love how small your glasses make your eyes look. It’s ugly. I love how greasy your long hair looks. It’s ugly. I love that you look like you have let yourself go. You’re ugly. it made me so much easier for me not to like you anymore. Because i remember there’s more to you than your looks. If I’m being honest, I hate your narcissistic personality and your perverted comments. I always tried to laugh them off, but in reality, i just thought they were gross. You’re gross. You’re also old and lonely. It’s so sad. It’s probably why you have been single for the past 8 years. You were not wrong when you said you were unlovable. Its hard to love somebody so heartless. It’s probably why your ex girlfriend, Erin, left you. She knew better than to live an awful life with you. I could never be with someone like you. I would probably try to kill myself again. But this time, I would say a prayer beforehand to make sure i succeed.

You made me feel like shit everyday and made me believe I wasn’t a worthy person. I bent over backwards for you. Nobody else would put up with you. But i did. Everybody else hated working with you. I made it work. Despite the fact you treated me like garbage, i loved you. I was there for you. Nobody else was. But i was. And you played with my heart. You didn’t deserve me. I hope someday your life falls apart like mine did. I wish I could be the bigger person, but I’m not. However, part of me is thankful things played out the way they did. I saw your true colors and saw my own, as well. I learned I never really respected you or liked who you were as a person. And as much as I wished differently in the past, I’m glad I never ended up being yours. You could never be half the man I needed you to be. You are not even half the man you are. The truth is, I think you are a coward and a whore. You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. You made my life miserable. I hate you and I wish I would have never met you. i hope I never see you again.

P.S.

I hope you’re miserable and alone until you’re dead.

Yours truly,

Nicole.

[2017worththetell]

I was in the wrong. It’s hard for me to admit that, but im admitting it. It wasn’t your fault. You won’t believe me the one time I mean it, but i’m sorry. Im sure you went through a hard time, too, and it wasn’t fair for me to invalidate your feelings.

Im sorry.

[2017worththetell]

Went to the bathroom. I thought of you when I looked in the toilet:)

[2017worththetell]

It’s December now and I’m happy to say I haven’t been thinking about you very often. Rarely does the thought of you come to my mind. But I have mostly been appreciating my life for what it is… without you. It’s been lovely if I’m being honest. I think I often used to forget how anxious and miserable you made me. I’m happy. And I’m glad you weren’t there. You showed me who you are. Thank you.

[2017worththetell]

I didn’t think I would be writing about you again, but here I am. Lately I have been thinking about you and missing you a lot. I don’t know why. All you ever did was hurt me. But you also made me smile. You also made me laugh. I like to think you and I had a special connection. Like the kind of relationship where you hate each other but love each other. It’s like we skipped all the beginning stages. Anyways, I miss your presence. And I miss your face. I often try to remind myself what you look like because Im worried I will someday forget your face. I feel like you had such a big impact on my life so how could I forget a face like that? No, but really. I miss you. I miss our relationship. And I miss your goofball and annoying ass personality. God you pissed me off. I hated you when I wanted to hate you but in reality I did love you. As a friend and maybe even a little more. Maybe I could have really loved you. But being realistic, I don’t think you felt the same. Which is fine. Painful but fine. I just hope you’re doing okay. I want you to be okay. And I want you to be happy. But not as happy as I like to think you were with me. Are you happy?

[2017worththetell]

I needed was a friend. And you said you would be there. And then when I reached out to you, you weren’t there. You wouldn’t talk to me. I gave you so many signs I was going to kill myself and all you said was “I don’t like the sound of that” or “cheer up, buttercup”. At my absolute lowest. Only you knew what I was going through and you left me. Genuinely, if you would have been there, I probably wouldn’t have tried to kill myself. I almost died. and I don’t think you cared. I hope you had a good birthday that night. Part of me hopes you forever remember that day as the day I almost died because of you but I know you won’t. And this is my final letter to explain to you how I felt and how you made me feel. You made me feel alone. I almost think that having nobody there would have been the equivalent as to having you there. I no longer want anything to do with you. I’m sorry for all the angry messages I have sent you. I had no other emotion except for anger. And I had every reason to be angry. This is my attempt at writing my final letter to you so I can forget you. I am ready to let go. You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I had never met you. I wish to forget you. And you bet your ass im going to do my absolute best to forget you and everything you put me though. But it’s not all your fault, I had my faults and mistakes. Goodbye, my dear old pal. May we never see each other again and may I finally let go.

[2017worththetell]

My Only And Final Letter To You

Dear you,

This will be the last time I write about you and “to” you. I don’t even know what to say. So many feelings and thoughts I wish I could get rid of. This is my attempt. I would never tell you that in person because I know how big your ego is. The whole situation sucked. And you suck. You suck for not giving a damn about anybody but yourself. That is the truth. You don’t. Be honest with yourself, me, and everybody you know. You only care about yourself. I don’t know how I didn’t see this sooner, honestly. Well, I think I did know, I just didn’t think it would end up affecting me in the end. I knew from the first month we worked together and you showed me pictures of yourself with the “muscles” and allllll you ever talked to me about was yourself. Honestly, 98% of it was Erin. I was just being a friend and listened but I honestly did not care. I wasn’t even listening half of the time but I know you could tell. You would play the ‘pity me’ card and say “I know you don’t care” and then I would have to reassure you I did care and please, go on with your story, blah blah blah… because I was a good fucking friend!! I fucking listened to you!! I asked you about yourself because I wanted to know you as a person. Because I’m a fucking good friend!! But I will give you some credit, you did ask me some questions about myself the first(?) second(?) say I started working with you. Like what’s my favorite food, drink, color, etc. Which is really funny because later on I remembered your answers and you said, “how do you know that?” And I said, “because you told me”. Which makes it even funnier when you said “oh, I don’t remember that”. Then i accused you of not knowing anything about me. You got offended, because you “sure do! And [you] even remember [my] favorite drink!”. Then, I asked you when my birthday was.. you didn’t know (whaaaaat???) and I asked you what my favorite color was.. you didn’t know that either (I know, shocker). I basically forced you to remember those about me. I think I did that so I could feel like some part of you cared about me as a person. Kind of pathetic of me, honestly. For once, I just wanted someone to want to get to know me and care the same way I do for everybody else. But I quickly learned that you can’t force someone to do anything they don’t want to do. I’ll admit, I’ve always thought you were very attractive. And then I thought you were funny. Humor has always been a big thing for me. If you can make me laugh, you’re automatically attractive to me. And then let’s add you are also in healthcare and above me which is a bonus. So I was attracted to you in many ways but I never really realized until a few months in of working with you. You flirted from day one. I remember. You were throwing subtle hints that you were single. I also remember you complementing me many times which I liked but that is where I first fucked up because I shouldn’t have accepted them. And I flirted back because god knows why. It’s funny because I thought you liked me as a person because you didn’t know the first thing about me. I’m genuinely laughing as I type this. It’s just so funny. You are charming and had your kind moments. You also had your scary moments. I never wanted to piss you off because you genuinely can be very scary. You also made me very anxious in general. I don’t know if you ever noticed, but I used to walk around with my arms crossed especially around you. Turns out it’s an anxiety thing to give myself comfort/a hug. When I first started working with you, I had SOOOO much anxiety. I would start hyperventilating and hated walking into work because I only wondered how you would belittle me that day or what comments you would make. No one should ever have to feel that way, but you made me feel that way. I was too blind to see all of your narcissism. And when I finally needed you, you weren’t there. I feel like I really sugarcoat that so let me explain. When I was at my absolute lowest, no one knew nor understood what I was going through except for you. I remember as I set on the bench crying I told you all

[2017worththetell]

September 3rd, 2022

It’s been 6 months. So far, I have learned.. I still get anxiety when I see your kind of car; I can’t listen to Don’t Stop Believing without thinking about you; I genuinely like and continue to order Gin Rickey’s because of you (it’s actually really good but I would never admit that to your face); sometimes I go to bed thinking about you hoping I get to see your face once more in my dreams; I don’t trust older men when they try to be my friend; and I have learned to give myself talks in the mirror when I get lost in the thought about you. I remind myself you were never my friend and you are not thinking about me the way I think about you. I remind myself it is all imaginary and you would have never treated me well. I would have rotted by your side, IF you ever thought I was “good enough” to be with you. People would have thought I was your daughter. How disgusting. What did you think was going to happen? That’s the problem. You didn’t think about what would happen to me. All you thought about was yourself. Maybe you’d get to have a risky little fuck buddy because you’re only ever looking to get your dick wet. Get a life. Read a fucking book. I know it only makes me bitter to say all of this but I don’t care. You can fucking choke, pal. Fuck you. I wish I had never met you.

[2017worththetell]

June 11, 2022

You failed me. You failed to care for me when all my energy was spent into caring for you. Every conversation, story, or even arguments were always about you. I would spend hours listening to you when you needed someone. I never wanted you to feel as insignificant as I did. When do I fit into your story? You liked to call me your “best friend”. And I was. Your best friend. Your friend. But you were never mine. You earned the title without any effort. When were you there for me? When did you bother to take a minute out of your day to ask me if I was doing okay or even take the time to get to know me. Repeatedly, I asked you, “what’s my birthday?” “What’s my favorite color?” In hopes you would someday remember the way I did about you. But how could you when every conversation we had was about you? Quite the friend I gained. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I’m just disappointed you turned out to be the person everybody said you were. At least by know I’m used to being let down by you. Yet somehow this time just hurts a little more. You sure do get burned when you doubt the strength of the fire. I hope you’re doing better. You deserve it and so do those around you. They deserve a better you than the version you were with me.

[2017worththetell]

[2017worththetell]

june 20th, 2017 - I beg.

I beg you to ask me to stay. I beg you to give me a reason. I beg for an excuse. I beg you for you to tell me that you want me and only me. I beg you to not let me walk away this time. I beg for reasons and reasons told to my face, even if they’re made up and false. I beg for you to do what you’re good at and lie out of those sweet lips. Beg me not to leave. Beg for my love and attention. Tell me i’m your future and present. Do not let me walk away from you again. Beg for me as I beg for you.

[2017worththetell]

i think the worst feeling ever is when someone means more to you than you mean to them

[2017worththetell]

January 28, 2017 - The First Kiss

We eventually made it back to my house at around 10:16 or so. He stopped by my house and we sat there for about 2 minutes. He then took his blue Jazz blanket back, and I knew my mom was probably worried about me. I didn't mind. I sighed, "I don't want to go home..." and he replied with, "I know.. I don't want to either." I realized it was now or never. I swallowed every inch of fear I had and turned to him. I turned my body and legs to face him. I looked at his ocean blue eyes, perfectly soft lips, blonde messy hair, and i boldly said, "so are you going to do it?" i wasn't sure if he was playing dumb or if he was actually confused. I smiled and said "kiss me." and a smile began to form upon his face. i was simply focused on his eyes so blue and then his lips forming into a smile, when he responded, "yes." he leaned in and i did too. The world began to spin as I felt his lips press against mine. It started as a peck, and another one, and then before we knew it, i could feel our lips work upon each other. i felt my top lip drag against his bottom lip as we pulled away then came back for more. it was kiss after kiss. rub after rub. we finally pulled apart and my hands still caressing his face, pulled in for a few more. it was again a peck and then lips rubbing against each other. i didn't want the moment to end, but i knew it had to. i kissed him one last time before i pulled away and he went for another one when i kissed his left cheek instead of his lips. i looked him in the eyes one last time then whispered goodnight.. knowing it would be the last time we would speak, kiss, or hold each other ever again. i stepped a foot out before he jumped out also and said, "im still walking you to your door." i laughed and continued to walk slowly, waiting for him to catch up. when he finally did, we walked together, in sync. we met up again at my door and everything left. there we were, looking at each other just like it was the first time we'd been together. i could only picture all the times and laughs we'd had together, knowing that tomorrow they'd only play as memories. from the on, he would only be playing a part of my life as a memory. i was suspicious about my mom watching us, so instead of one last kiss, i let it be one last hug. We hugged and I thanked him one last time. I told him goodnight and drive safe. a goofy look and then said he would. i watched him walk away. I watched the boy who had made me cry, made me smile, broken my heart, replaced me, cuddle me, kiss me, held me, walked with me, tore me down, built me up walk away. I watched months of my life walk away. I watched 1week of tears and someone I once thought I could've eventually called a love of mine take steps walking further and further away from me. I think I could've loved the boy once, if things were different. he later texted me at 10:49pm, and i pretended as if i had never saw it. i opened his text and opened his snapchat this sunday morning, but never replied. all to protect what had once been broken, but never again. yet i can't help but feel as if it's broken again. Ego is one hell of a drug.