1voided9thoughts9and4prayers

[1voided9thoughts9and4prayers]

Struggling with my existence from day to day isn't an existential crisis. Trying to find a meaning to it becomes tiresome, asking myself what I should do to change it up and what might make me smile for a bit. Usually only lasts a few moments untill I give in and just accept the fact that it'll be the same as yesterday. My days grow longer and the distractions are needed more often than ever. If I sit still for too long my eyes grow watery without reason. My nights are shorter but more and more wretched as one passes and the next one comes about. The pain is unexplainable, which doesn't make sense for I can tolerate ripping off a fingernail or taking a hammer to the hand but when it comes to expressing my emotions I choke and drown in them. I can't sit still for too long, I have to keep my mind busy with mindless tasks that I start and never come about to finish. But I've almost perfect the facade of fake smile just so my parents don't have to worry about me harming myself. Ever since they figured out why I'd play metal so loud you couldn't hear your own thoughts when really it was so they couldn't hear me yell and punching on the concrete floor. I do switch it up from time to time. I tend to alternate from sleeping without being tired until I get tired of the nightmares, to random fits of rage where I see white as I punch out walls and windows laughing and crying maniacally, and peacefully sitting in a corner huddled up in a ball questioning the oxygen around me as I sob in silence. At times I even do that in the shower to make myself believe that I'm not really crying. But usually those moments are after I beg my parents to please stop praying for me, to please just let me go. Because so far whenever I ask the devil, tell Satan, or beg Lucifer to take my breath and reap my soul it seems like not even they want it. Which is mind boggling. But soon after my whole persona changes, I feel the chills run down my spine, it makes my body spasm a few times, and I feel a numbness take over. With a blank mindstate and a stare to match everything goes away just for a little. That numbness is the only peace my being gets and it's not even euphoric.

[1voided9thoughts9and4prayers]

Never would I fathom the realization that conjuring a distraction from the waking breaths in my day to day would be so tedious. Having understood that a legacy or made names are always derived from moments when one finds the strength to fledge full force through the thicket. Not following an established path but paving your own, because of the certainty felt that you choose to no longer idle your being and thoughts and move forward to perseverance. I frequent a state of deep thought; where no one is permitted but i. With simplicity I ask whatever being my conscious envokes, do I really need more suffering? In turn only recieving the embrace of the heavy presence felt.

[1voided9thoughts9and4prayers]

From my perspective

I learned to ask for serenity and not patience, because asking for patience only brings trials when you want to stay calm going through whatever storm may come your way. Never wanting to break the essence of who we are and act out on an impulse when that given situation gets tight. Even though we walk in the dark I have to be guided by the light. So just because we live amongst some who have succumbed to darkness doesn't necessarily mean we have to follow, instead remember who you've grown to be and trust your judgement. Don't let a second guess steal a good opportunity

[1voided9thoughts9and4prayers]

This perilous life has taken a toll on my mental state. I find myself spending more time in my head than I do in reality; even catching myself staring off into nothing thinking not one thing. Derrepente snapping back, to wherever it is i am, to give myself the animo Id wish to hear from others. Although I don't depend on others to give me the hope, the clarification that everything is going to be okay is always uplifting. I appreciate those that didn't say much and really kept me in their thoughts and company. My love and respect for them will forever be held high on a mantel for they had no real reason to see how much I'm worth but actually value my personal being, and that alone is what has given me the faith to keep going forward regardless if I have to hurdle or a crawl. You better believe I'm breaking through it all. Those that only spoke on it, I think, they hoped it would register and resonate later on in situations like this only so they can know where I'm at when I would reach out so they can do nothing about it. Not to say it's out of cynical malice but subconsciously hoping that they know someone is doing worse than they are would in turn lift their spirits. Though they're that much closer to that climax of them doing great and I may be a little behind as long as we both get there is all that matters to me. I don't wish ill on anyone, not even on the ones others think deserve it. I can't relate, I won't the best even for my most disliked acquaintance, for I don't have anyone I'd consider a enemy. If anyone can take anything from this I hope it's that they spend their precious time valuing and embracing every experience life has for one another.

[1voided9thoughts9and4prayers]

Expectations

Desde Morro yo aprendi a guarda ni una Esperanza

Preguntando Dios estas aqui y la respuesta no me alcanza

Tan facil perdi la fe y hoy de luto esta mi enfancia

Mi futuro es obscuro y la neta no me espanta

Y es cierto yo me enredo en marijuana y cocaina

La tequila pa mi olvido tengo shots haciendo fila

Los suspiros me dan vida me traen mucha alegria

Drogadicto bien Al tiro y yo nunca pierdo filo

De verdad no tengo explicaciones me encanta estate bien grillo

No se debe explicaciones solamente unos jalones

Simplemente estoy perdido y listo pa que me ahoge...