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i'm sorry i get that i slice myself open deeper on the daily on purpose but ACCIDENTAL SCRATCH ON MY FINGER TIP? worst feeling ever 0/10 i hate it here

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ITCHING for a cigarette consequences be damned (screaming match)

i need the burning in my lungs and i NEED to put it out on my skin

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TW $H PICS

ALL FAKE

MAKEUPPP

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❤️🖤

Again, excuse the hair

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ripping your thigh open after being clean for 2 years is such an odd experience

like yes there's shame because i managed to keep it together for that long just to relapse again because of the date and potentially failing biology and general stress

but also i am high on the catharsis of it, i've fought so hard and now i am finally letting myself fall again and the view of red seeping out of my skin is oh so lovely

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My Own Underwater Prison

By: J

cw for themes of; selfharm (cutting specifically), eating disorders, and suicide.

i feel like i’m drowning.

i’m an ocean, sea, river, creek, wherever.

water constantly rushing into my lungs.

i don’t feel like i can breath.

somedays they’re will be people. 

who try and pull me up. 

they always let go within 5 minutes though.

theres been others who’ve held me longer. 

made sure i could breathe.

made sure the water was out of my lungs.

dried me off.

took care of me.

i cant shake the feeling that they’ll hurt me.

try to drown me.

so, i always go back into the water by myself.

i always try to breathe the water in again.

i don’t want to drown.

i don’t want to die.

…

maybe i want to drown.

maybe the water in my lungs is calming.

it doesn’t feel like it.

maybe i’m just used to it.

…

every time i’ve gotten slightly better- i feel like my own weight pulls me back under.

so i tried to shed that weight, tried to float.

i did so.

but yet.

i still cant float.

i know truly that it wont be what saves me- far from it, i know i wont be able to live normally on my own.

yet i keep trying, i know i wont stop. 

i don’t know why.

it all feels so heavy.

…

the waves, ripples, the currant, cuts my arms.

as if it was another sheet of paper to be used and disposed of.

i wonder if others see it that way too.

disposable.

the blood mixed with the water entering my lungs.

again and again.

feels so nauseating.

i’ve tried to hold my arms up.

but the wind only seems to cut them more than before.

…

somedays i think about if those people that held me, dried me off.

if they really weren’t going to drown me.

i know its idiotic to think about.

even if i truly don’t know either.

its nice to imagine them.

caring for me.

…

who am i kidding they’d.

i’d never let them do that.

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TW FAKE CUTS FAKE SCARS SFX MAKEUP

BLOCK DON’T REPORT

TW SH

TW HEALED SCARS

healed scars :33

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why does everything suck so much? i thought i was getting better, i'm in therapy, i saw my partner and friends i hadn't seen in like a month last weekend, and sure i fucked up my last year of school but i'm starting courses in less than a month to fix that, and after that i probably have a spot at my dream uni secured, so why am i so fucking sad??? i thought i was over this shit but noooooo, i'm taking my adhd meds at 7am before sleeping for 2 hours and being woken up by the amphetamines, all i can think about is hurting myself and how tired i am and what if everything goes wrong again. god i'm fucking pathetic

i was supposed to be getting better but i can't even do that right, everything just feels like it goes wrong all the the

like fucking hell the cycle just goes on and on and on again, i think i'm getting better and then the tiniest thing goes wrong and i'm back in the hole

and nothing's even gone wrong this time!! everything's fine!! my dad's angry but he's always been angry and i'm pretty sure my parents like my friends more than me but it's been like that for ages so why can't i just fucking keep it together, in 8 days i'll have been self-harm free for 1 year and 9 months and i'm pretty much recovered from my ed but every passing day just makes me want to rip myself open more and my body is not my body and i am not myself

and another thing!! i don't even know who i am anymore!! what i am!!! i haven't felt real in months, i almost got top surgery back in january and then i didn't because i had a menty b and had to cancel and because i couldn't figure shit out i ended up ghosting them and now i can't ever go back there, and i'm so indescribably scared of permanence that i don't know if i'll ever be able to be comfortable in my own skin!!! like FUCK i know i don't want as much tiddy as i have but i can't tell if i want significantly less or none at all because i haven't experienced myself free of boobs since middle school, but i have experienced my body with a binder which i know feels right but what if i'm wrong about how i think not having boobs would feel and it freaks me out??? because my body's been shaped by my chest because it's heavy so what if it feels wrong to not have it there?? what if i regret it???? and some days having boobs is kinda nice, they look right with certain outfits but i don't know if i'm genuinely enjoying how my body looks or if it's just a body that i think looks nice

and same thing with testosterone, i want a different voice but i don't want to lose my upper range but i want an expanded lower range but it sounds fine as is sometimes?? and i want more body hair but sometimes i just want to be smooth and i know male pattern baldness would fuck me up and i cannot deal with that but my face structure becoming more masculine feels like it would be really nice right now but what if i end up hating it?? what if i change in ways i don't want or can't handle (also could turn into a legitimate health problem if i got more acne and an environmental hazard if my body odor worsened)

moving on with gender and identity i barely even have a NAME anymore. like shit i want by the same one for over 3 years with the people that mattered but i don't know if it fits anymore or if anything fits anymore. can anything fit anymore, can there ever be a word for me, will i ever feel like a person in the ways i should

why is it all so difficult. why won't everything stop changing for literally 5 seconds so i can take a breath and just, figure it out for once.

am i me or am i just someone pretending to be me

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uhhhhh no i don't think i will, actually

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Darker themed thinspo

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After weekend survival guide:

Here's a list of things you can do to get rid of food weight you've amassed over the weekend due to binges/being forced to eat/meta days.*

1. Liquid fast until 6 pm

Just drink water and tea and coffee and whatever you usually have. You don't need solid food, you've had lots of it during the weekend.

2. Take a hot bath

This will help you sweat out the water weight, but it will also warm you up and refresh you. I usually shower off with cold water in an attempt to make my skin and hair smooth, plus it kinda helps me not to pass out.

3. Get that BM!

Drinking coffee will help you go to the loo and such. If your back end is clogged, try some chia or your version of plunger.

4. On a bloat boat? Have some TEA!

Mint tea. Please. It is a life saver. Ginger is good too. Mix in some tumeric and pepper if you feel fancy. Whatever you do, don't skip this step, it is a valuable part of self care.

* this is meant only for people who must mess up their progress over the weekend just like me. We all have our explanations and reasoning, and we are all valid. I am not throwing shame at anyone, for it is not my intention. This is just what I do on Mondays

+ this helped me shed 1.8 kg of food weight in a span of 9 hours, which did wonders for my mood and while I don't know if I'll be back to the weight I really am tomorrow, it sure hurried stuff up

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need to starve my tits off, literally.

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some male$p0 💖

images from pinterest

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alt boys pt 2

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does anyone know any ED books with male protagonists? I know it might be a niche category considered the typical "ED story" protagonist is a suburban teenage girl, but it is a NEED .

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ohhhh to be a thin pretty boy… ❤️‍🔥

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