1stgradelovebirds

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/22/17

ok so i’m pissed the fuck off. i’m supposed to be off 4th of july week and now i only have 3 days off. i’m only getting 3 fucking days off this summer. i don’t even care about the money part rn bc i fucking thought that i wouldn’t have to work and max and tamia will be here that week like wtf. i only get to have 3 days with the both of them. and i only see tamia once a year and max lives across the country so idk when i will see him after this. i’m just so mad rn

Update: so i probably won't have to work bc my mom is gonna tell my boss. but i'm still upset bc my bitch ass coworker left and left a huge mess for my to clean and i was so mad i almost started crying. (i cry when i get mad) and i wanted to fight her. but i know i can't bc she's old and i don't want to lose my job or anything so whatever. but fuck her

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/20/17

it's been forever since i've been on this account. i just want to talk about stuff that i feel like will annoy ppl. i'm feeling really bad. i hate myself. i hate everything about myself. i try to see myself as beautiful but it's so hard bc i've been called ugly for so long. and i truly do believe i'm ugly. i'm still with Max but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there are some ugly ass ppl that are in relationships and married and shit. i just wish i was confident. like i could still be ugly but as long as i was confident that would be better. one thing is that my breasts are huge and i hate them the most. i really want a binder or something but i have no money rn. and idk what size i would even need bc of how big my chest it. i see thick/fat ppl online and stuff and they look so good and wear whatever they want and i want to be like that but then i remember they wear like B or C cups and i'm in a M or something. it's just really hard and i'm trying my best to do better and be happy and please everyone but everything is hard. i can't really get myself to relax bc i have so much shit to do. this is supposed to be the time when i'm happy and good bc it's summer but so far i'm pretty shitty. Tami is gonna be here at the end of the week so maybe seeing her will make me feel better. and Max is gonna visit too. i'm just really hoping being around my best friends will make me feel good and i will have a good time bc rn i feel like crap

[1stgradelovebirds]

7/27/16

I've been gone for a while. But I'm better and that's all that matters. I've been sad some days since the last post but I haven't been that bad. I lost count of how many times I cried that day it was just really bad. I go back to school in 6 days pls kill me now! But it's my last week of work and I'll be free from my boss! I dyed my hair green and cut most of it off so now I feel fresh and like I'm a new me kinda. Max says I look like one of my characters and I think that's so sweet. I love him so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him seriously, he's the best person for me I can be me with him without worrying about saying anything wrong or doing anything wrong, or even fucking feeling like I did anything wrong. We just work together I think and he's my best friend. I'm so glad he loves me. I might love him more but that's ok as long as he loves me I'm good. My best friend is in town this week and it's really fun having her here. I get to talk someone and like have something to do besides talk to myself and draw. I'm gonna have a party thing on Saturday and we're gonna get high and drink and eat good food and it'll be amazing. I like being around people but I guess not for a long time?? I'm glad I'll have my bff bc I'll have someone to talk to at all times and there won't be any awkward moments. I'm tired now so I'm gonna go to bed. I'll try to write more so I can keep up what's going on in life.

[1stgradelovebirds]

7/9/16

Today has been utter shit. I'm sick and I'm on my period and I've cried twice already. I don't want to get into details but I'm really upset and no one is texting me back

[1stgradelovebirds]

7/3/16

There was a told slant concert today and I couldn't go so I've just been super depressed all day and I don't want to be. I just want to work on my comic and talk to max and be happy. I haven't been very happy and I want to be bc my life is actually ok now but I'm so not happy. And it's not like I don't like my life or anything or feel like people don't love me bc I know they do. Like I love max so so so much and he loves me and I can feel it and I know it but like my depression is so overwhelming I hate it. I don't want to go to the hospital like I'm not suicidal and i never know what to talk about in therapy so idk how to help myself. It's good I have max though bc he keeps me happy but you know when he's not there it's bad and I need to learn how to be ok without him but it's hard. I'm just gonna draw pics or something now to try to take my mind off of everything

[1stgradelovebirds]

7/1/16

Hello! I’ve been gone for a while. I was at SCAD for a week and met some really cool people and did some really cool stuff. I’m not gonna get into it though I’m just gonna talk about the stuff bothering me. So in my painting class there was someone named Hannah and I kinda had a crush on them but I hated that I did bc I love max. I think they liked me too so I didn’t get their number or anything bc I didn’t want it to become a thing. I told max about it but he hasn’t responded and I’m so worried like I want to die. I don’t want to lose him over this bc he’s so great. I think it’s bc we’ve only text for about a week or so that I don’t feel as connected to him I guess but I’ll talk to him on the phone soon I know it and it will be great. I just want to go to bed and cry. Why did this have to happen. Nothing like this was supposed to happen. I know I’ll get over them in a few days but it’s fucking me up rn. I just want to talk to my babe and have everything be ok

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/20/16

Ok so this will probably be short. Its 3:43am and I'm awake. I dont think I've fully been asleep. It's now 3:52am and I definitely just fell asleep a little. I'll talk more later rn I can't even keep my eyes open.

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/19/16

Its 6am and I've been up since around 4am. I'm upset that I'm up since I got like 5 hours of sleep. I cried yesterday. I haven't done that in a while and it seems to always be bc of my family. I hate them so much they make me feel so alienated. I was having a really hard day mentally. Idk what was happening but I just couldn't think straight or anything I was stuttering and I would forget what I was doing every 5 seconds. It was just a lot and they all made fun of me and I just cried. But I couldn't cry much. I had to hold it in so no one would hear and I couldn't stay in the bathroom for long or they would think I was shitting or something. I just hate them and myself so much. Its father's day but I don't have a dad so fuck it.

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/16/16

How do people learn to love themselves? I know it’s hard bc that all people really say and they say you need to do this and that but what if I don’t have time for that or can mentally handle that? What do I do then? I hate myself so much and idk what to do. The past 2 days ive gone clothes shopping and when I go to try stuff on non of it looks good and I look worse naked. I look like a whale and I just don’t look good at all and I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. And I’m not one of those skinny people who say they’re super fat for like attention like no I’m over 200 pounds and it’s disgusting. Every doctor I go to tells me there’s something wrong with me. Regular doctor: you need to lose weight, Eye doctor: you’re vision isn’t good you probably need a new prescription in your glasses, Dentist: you have cavities. Do you floss?, Psychologist and Therapist: you have depression, anxiety, ADD, and possibly bipolar disorder. Everything about me is wrong according to the professionals and it’s so hard to try to love myself when people are constantly putting me down. When I haven’t seen someone in a while and I’m with my mom they always say to her “wow you look so good. Have you lost weight?” and when they get to me they say “oh hey. I’ve missed you” and I want to be asked if I lost weight. I’m the one that will starve myself at the drop of a hat but I never get asked if I lost weight. Do I just always look bad? Idk what to do. I just hate myself. And no matter what I’ll always hate myself.

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/11/16

I’m on 5% and waiting in the car to go home. I’m really depressed rn. Well I’ve been depressed for a while but I didn’t take my meds today and I didn’t have anything to distract me so it just hit me and I’m on the verge of tears. I don’t really know what to do or who to talk to. Max is busy and Mack isn’t texting back and I’m pretty sure they’re the only people that actually care about my feelings. I really hate feeling like this. I don’t want to die bc I have a lot that I’m looking forward to but I really wish I was happy. I’ve realized it’s taken me so long to realize that I’m depressed bc I’ve been too busy to actually deal with it and I just push it to the back of my mind and think I’ll deal with it later. It just makes everything worse. Why did it have to come out now when I have no one to talk to? I just want it to go away and feel safe in my body and trust myself and not have a feeling that I’m gonna do something stupid. I just want to talk to someone or go to sleep. I can feel my chest getting tight and I have a bad headache. My phone is on 3% so I’m just gonna end it here.

Continued: I'm lying in bed laughing at nothing trying not to cry. Max didn't reply to my text but he read it and I know he loves me and cares about me but rn that's kinda like a slap in the face for me. I really just need to talk to someone. In always listening to other people's problems and helping them but when it comes to me it's like no one is there when I'm really vulnerable. Sometimes people will ask me what's wrong but I usually don't know or they just say it like they genuinely don't give a shit. I'm going to go to bed before I get too deep into my depression. I hope everything is good tomorrow.

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/10/16

It's the end of the week so no work for the weekend. But that doesn't matter. Max isn't feeling like himself lately and I miss him. I know people go through this, I've gone through this but I miss him being him. He's upset bc his best friend is graduating and he's tried of being with his parents 24/7 also his dad signed him up for online school to try to help him. And I know it's a lot to go through and stuff and I'm gonna be there for him bc I want him to be better. I know that he loves me but I feel like I'm gonna be too much and over do things and he's not gonna love me anymore. I love his so much and I'm just paranoid bc he's not himself so I'm just like all over the place bc he is and I just need to chill out. I have such a headache and I probs need to sleep. Idk life is strange rn

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/9/16

Today was nice. I drew a picture of a artist I really love and they liked it and commented and even followed me! I was so happy I like felt a shock in my heart it was great. The only down side of the day was that I haven't talked to Max that much and I miss him a lot. I'm not gonna bother him too much though bc I dont want to be annoying. I also can't figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing in math and I feel like shit. I just want to pass these test and get out of there and finally be on track with my life for once. I don't like anything right now except max he's the only good thing I have rn and he's the only thing I look forward to each day. Everything else just feels like a chore even eating food and taking a shower. My phone is about to die so I'm just gonna finish out this post. I'm just very tired and miss my baby

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/8/16

Today was ok for the most part. I didn't like school very much I didn't understand what I needed to learn and it kinda crushed my spirits. At work I got to teach a small class and I'm pretty sure they hated me but its ok bc I got through it. After work I felt really bad and sick so I talked to Max and it was nice bc he made me feel better about myself and like I wasn't as bad as I thought. I made him a playlist and its very nice in my opinion and I hope he likes it. I never put that much effort into things now but I put like all of it into that playlist and I love it a lot. When I got home I found some gifts. I got a copic refill, a book, some candy, and some gum. It made me feel nice and now I'm just waiting for my cramps to go away and for Max to text me back. I might write more if something happens but it's been a better day for me and I hope they keep getting better.

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/7/16

I’m really sad bc I miss Max a lot right now. I got my period so I’m really needy I guess and I just want to talk to him and its making my heart hurt a lot. I started work and summer school yesterday and work was lame as usual and school was hard. I went to a group therapy session for lgbt+ kids and it was pretty fun. I just hope I can be friends with all of them. I want to write more but I’m too in my feelings and I miss Max a whole lot like more than ever and I know he’ll text me soon but I just want to talk to my baby.

UPDATE: I'm on the phone with max right now and I love him a whole lot he's the best and he made me feel better instantly and he played me a song and I love him he gives me butterflies and his voice is so sweet and nice and I love it. I was gonna go to sleep but then he wanted to talk so I stayed up just for him. And he's the best!

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/4/16

I haven't posted in a little bc I haven't had anything to talk about. Well stuff has happened but I never feel like typing it. I'm super bored rn so i decided to write. Today has been ok. I went shopping and got some shorts and a shirt. I don't really like going out in public bc people always look at me and it makes me uncomfortable. I've been drawing a lot the last couple days but everything is really bad and it's making me sad. My cousin asked me to draw him a squirrel and since its his bday I decided to and everyone made fun of it and I really wanted to cry like most things have made me want to cry. Except for Max he's the only thing that makes me happy at the moment. I need more people to talk to bc I don't just want to rely on him. School was my way of having friends. People made me talk to them and that's how I got friends. And now that school is over I don't have anyone to talk to. Well I could talk to school friends but I'm bad at texting them and I can't continue a conversation with them. We kinda don't have anything in common and it sucks. My one friend that talked to me and would hang out with me stopped talking to me and it makes me sad and I have no clue what I did to her but like she won't answer my text or anything and it really sucks. There's so much going on and nothing going on and there's so much I should be talking about but I just don't have the right mind to. I'm just going to stop rambling now.

[1stgradelovebirds]

6/1/16

I want to die haha. Max told me someone at his school likes him and I reacted like an idiot. I want to cry bc he’s not texting back and I just want to make sure that everything is ok. I think I’m over reacting bc I havent taken my meds today. But still I’m freaking out and I really want to die. I want to sleep to get away from this. Like my chest hurts a lot bc I feel like he won’t like me anymore bc i was jealous and date the other person but I know he’s not like that but I’m still freaking out. And I can’t even go to bed bc I’m not home. I hate everything.

UPDATE: I love Max a lot. We talked it out and we're all good. I can come to him with anything and he's so understanding I love him and he loves me and nether of us are going anywhere! I don't want to die anymore bc I know he loves and wants me!

[1stgradelovebirds]

5/31/16 (part 2)

I’ve had an ok day. I haven’t really talked to anyone and if I don’t talk to people I’ll be in my head all day and that’s not a good thing. It’s a very toxic place in my mind. It’s only 9:50pm but I’m so exhausted and I have a bad headache. I really want to sleep but I feel like I’ll miss something if I do. I just know max will text back and I think he went to the told slant concert and I want to hear about it. I haven’t talked to him for most of the day bc he had stuff to do and I miss him a lot. I feel like I might throw up again tonight. I don’t want to but I feel like it is. I’m just really depressed today and idk what I’m even talking about I just wanted to make a post to feel like I’m talking to someone.